2 hours ago, LunaLove96 said:

I had to take my own advice this morning. Take a step back, recognize it for what it is, relax until it passes. This crap always passes.

That's excellent self-advice, @LunaLove96 and its great you're able to take it to heart. Yes, it does always pass, but its hell while we're in it. But you know a window is coming!

I hope a window is coming for sure. But this time it may not be depenent on just how I am, but rather environmentally. That I fear might...absolutely be devastating.. I had to take my old cat to the vet today as she's been losing weight. She has thyroid, kidney, and liver issues, and an infection... Dr said it was a guarded to low prognosis, and this week medicated will tell. I already know I can't go through this again. I've already lost two this year, and one was extremely traumatic... I cannot, in my heart, lose another. It's been over 12 years with them and.. It just feels like anything good in my life gets ripped away from me. The one in March just sucker punched and ran me over back and forth by a semi emotionally. Pets are such blessings in our lives, and to me family. I've never seen them as just an animal. I can't even think about losing her. It just wrecks me and my already thin emotional control during flares.

I remember a quote by the vet Dr Pol, it always stuck with me. "When a pet dies or it doesn't look good, have a new puppy/kitten with you so you can cry into them and heal at the same time." Prayers are always appreciated. Not just for me now, but my dear luna too.

I don't want to keep getting hurt anymore... this year has already been too much...

17 minutes ago, LunaLove96 said:

I hope a window is coming for sure. But this time it may not be depenent on just how I am, but rather environmentally. That I fear might...absolutely be devastating.. I had to take my old cat to the vet today as she's been losing weight. She has thyroid, kidney, and liver issues, and an infection... Dr said it was a guarded to low prognosis, and this week medicated will tell. I already know I can't go through this again. I've already lost two this year, and one was extremely traumatic... I cannot, in my heart, lose another. It's been over 12 years with them and.. It just feels like anything good in my life gets ripped away from me. The one in March just sucker punched and ran me over back and forth by a semi emotionally. Pets are such blessings in our lives, and to me family. I've never seen them as just an animal. I can't even think about losing her. It just wrecks me and my already thin emotional control during flares.

I remember a quote by the vet Dr Pol, it always stuck with me. "When a pet dies or it doesn't look good, have a new puppy/kitten with you so you can cry into them and heal at the same time." Prayers are always appreciated. Not just for me now, but my dear luna too.

I don't want to keep getting hurt anymore... this year has already been too much...

Prayers for you and your kitty are on the way. Truly, losing a pet is like losing a family member. And it really sucks that life happens while we're in WD. It'd be nice if we could put everything else on hold, but that's not the way life works. One thing I really believe is that God (or the Universe or whatever definition you choose) gives us just what we need at the exact moment we need it; not a second before or a moment after. Its tough to accept things happen outside of our control, but you'll make it!

28 minutes ago, mstimc60 said:

Prayers for you and your kitty are on the way. Truly, losing a pet is like losing a family member. And it really sucks that life happens while we're in WD. It'd be nice if we could put everything else on hold, but that's not the way life works. One thing I really believe is that God (or the Universe or whatever definition you choose) gives us just what we need at the exact moment we need it; not a second before or a moment after. Its tough to accept things happen outside of our control, but you'll make it!

Yes, in hindsight I know this, it just doesn't take away from the current suffering and ache that follows.. You know the movie National Lampoon's vacation, where they tied the dog to the back of the car and forgot him when they drove off? It was funny with the cop being horrified, but sometimes I relate to that poor pooch. Feel like you just get dragged for miles with no say so, barely keeping up and everything hurts. Sometimes people gawk and wonder how you made it. Sometimes it's not even feeling alive, but just enduring the day till it passes. Thank you @mstimc60 . Always offering a kind word.

I’m so sorry to hear about your cat @LunaLove96, we all rely on our pets so much when we’re at our lowest. I hope the week goes well and her prognosis improves 💜.

My thin veil for anger and frustration scares me sometimes. An annoying/frustrating situation quickly makes me angry and talking stupid. Which in turn leads to family strife. Later I feel regretful, upset or scared looking back at it. I hate this.

This pet situation just adds fuel to the emotional turmoil.

Anger is so common in WD. Being in physical and emotional pain naturally makes us short tempered. Just remember that's not who you are--its the anxiety and frustration with your situation venting through every now and then. Don't judge yourself too harshly--its not your fault and not something you can really control, and your anxiety is adding to your guilt and probably making more out of it than it really is. Things like this are quickly forgotten by your loved ones.

This is almost laughable. My dog ate one of those cat liquid tube treat things entirely, plastic and all. I’ve had animals almost all of my 30 years without half as much trouble as I’ve had this year.

It about gave me a panic attack with everything culminating. Intrusive thoughts, some mingled with vague SI bombardments, hopelessness, whole life story just exploding in on me. A good half hour of crying and raging, the volatility passed. Became reasonable again. It’s amazing how much lately I’m being shown how thin my tolerance is for anything stressful.

I feel like I’m living on eggshells, otherwise I risk acting like a loon. The guilt I feel for my supportive family is immense. I’m grateful, and I know I didn’t choose to go through this, I just wish it wasn’t so hard on them..

..Anyway, per the vet, he’s very likely to pass it on his own. And my dear Luna is finally having some appetite again. It’s not much, but better than nothing. She absolutely hates me now for syringe feeding 4x/day, but I’ll gladly endure her teeth and glares if it helps. Thank you all for your prayers..

Hope everyone is doing well.

Thank God, my babies are doing better. There’s no other answer other than a miracle. So thank you all for your prayers. 🙏

Well, I feel like it’s been a very long week. For me it has. I can’t remember the last time I went into a job without dread, either of the workload of the people. But neither are a concern here. It’s amazing. Not to say it doesn’t get hectic at times, but eh. And sad to say, I’m amazed that so many people there are actually nice and helpful. Such a rarity. I actually feel like a normal human again without that constant stress triggers and passive aggression. I’ve also been tolerating more decaf coffee drinks or just a smoothie (which is very helpful in the AM lol). But I’ve been careful.

Every other night I may have a “cortisol night”, where I wake feeling restless or low level anxiety. And I wouldn’t exactly say this was anxiety, but earlier today during my lunch I saw just how much smoke has finally hit my neck of Virginia. Canadians, or those affected by smoke, how are y’all doing? It was so otherworldly and burned my throat. Can’t imagine..

But overall, it’s been fairly good lately.

Update: Some insomnia and emotional volatility again lately. (Largely spurned on by hormones, still, it was never like this before.) Nights are long and tireless, but of more concern is the volatility as I call it, or just wild emotions. Paranoid, easily irritated and assuming the worst. It’s ugly. I got a pretty good leash on it externally, but man, I didn’t think I could be so horrid inside. But once it passes, I feel regret and amazement that I could feel or think that way. If need be I separate myself from a situation, but lately it takes awhile to calm down. I’ve never been irrational before, and I’m trying to give myself grace when needed.

1 hour ago, LunaLove96 said:

Update: Some insomnia and emotional volatility again lately. (Largely spurned on by hormones, still, it was never like this before.) Nights are long and tireless, but of more concern is the volatility as I call it, or just wild emotions. Paranoid, easily irritated and assuming the worst. It’s ugly. I got a pretty good leash on it externally, but man, I didn’t think I could be so horrid inside. But once it passes, I feel regret and amazement that I could feel or think that way. If need be I separate myself from a situation, but lately it takes awhile to calm down. I’ve never been irrational before, and I’m trying to give myself grace when needed.

Im sorry you're having such a hard time @LunaLove96 I can totally relate including the raging hormones, not enough what withdrawal causes we also have our natural fluctuations, it really is such a pain mix! If this helps I also shocked at myself and too often, feels like I'm leaving scorched ground everywhere I go so you're definitely not alone.

Good on you for giving yourself grace, so important as we don't really have much control over the rest, well, at least for now but it will get better.

Hope things calm down for you very soon, wishing you peace.

Edited July 22Jul 22 by Fullhealing

Volatile. Raging, angry, anxious monster. These emotions aren't mine. Im tired... Will update later. God help me.

12 minutes ago, LunaLove96 said:

Volatile. Raging, angry, anxious monster. These emotions aren't mine. Im tired... Will update later. God help me.

Prayers and positive thoughts going your way!

I was just fired….. I have never been fired in my life. I do my best, and because I am completely new at blood pressure they let me go. A bunch of cackling hens start gossiping about me and it’s over.

Today was hell. Aside from getting my crap, I’m never stepping foot in there again. I just feel so lost..

Maybe it’s for the best I’m out of there. It was getting stressful and I had no help. I guess I’d rather them show their colors now before I got too invested.. Anyway..

It was a hot mess today. Volatility and rampant emotions under a thin shield. Triggers just.. overinflated to me. Causing rampant, paranoid, extremely frustrated thoughts and some SI intrusions. I ignore that part easily enough, but it scares me looking back at it. Toxic people and (as much as I hate to admit it), an occasionally fragile healing mentality don’t mix. I try to take responsibility for my actions and thoughts… but sometimes I just have to admit it’s beyond difficult, and what this poison did to me makes things very unfair. I’m allowing myself to be raw, to feel angry, betrayed, upset… And I know unpopular opinion, but a rescue med earlier was the only thing that calmed me down from walking out on the spot. Almost wish I had..

I’m so sorry you lost your job, @LunaLove96 . But you’re right. A toxic workplace is much worse for you emotionally and mentally than if you kept your job. Hoping something better is in your future!

Short update: I'm doing better. My chest still hurts occasionally and sometimes I find myself still stunned, but I'm ok. I see my therapist next week and she's good at helping me rationalize and kinda sort things out. It just seems my threshold for anything stressful is... hard to describe. I think the emotional flares, the volatility, scare me the most. Granted, they were worse months ago when this started. I'd be crying and feeling every unpleasant emotion to the max for no reason. And it took hours or a xanax to calm it down. But now, it's only due to certain extreme triggers, thankfully. Still, it's like lexapro has me relearning patience and self control all over again. I guess for the brief period I was on it, it numbed me, and when I got off, it hit the refresh button on my emotions. Everything feels...fragile, at times. Like, a stressful event ramps up the frustration and anger to level 10, and gives intrusive thoughts. Then later when I look back it, that's when it scares me. I don't recognize the person who reacts that way. I always talk about giving yourself grace and the reminder that you're healing, but I just don't like the process sometimes.

Thankfully my family is getting better at helping me recognize it, and calming down. When I reflect, I give them advice what helps me best in the moment for future reference. Usually its "When I'm flaring, don't let me focus on whatever I'm upset about. Remind me to recognize it for what it is. I'm easily flustered due to whatever, but the thing to recognize it that this is a flare. It's the anxiety, the volatility rearing up again - that's the thing to focus on. I've been through this before, and I'll get over this bump again. Be upset for the moment if I need to be, but breathe, it'll pass."

Does anyone else just feel like this? Like they're relearning emotions? How to handle stress again?

On a lesser note, I can enjoy some coffee drinks again. Not as much as I used to, and for some reason anytime I make a decaf at home, it still gets to me. Underlying anxiety, some intrusive thoughts... I'm reminded of the time I briefly worked in fast food ages ago. We were out of decaf and the manager said "Just give em regular, they won't know the difference." Ohh... Oh dear. That's the attitude that scares me. But I can do without it right now anyway..

Anyway, thank you guys for your prayers and thoughts. It always means a lot to me.

21 minutes ago, LunaLove96 said:

Does anyone else just feel like this? Like they're relearning emotions? How to handle stress again?

Hi @LunaLove96
Yes, I had to relearn how to handle normal everyday emotions without letting my thoughts and emotions without running wild. You're absolutely right, AD's blunt our emotions and they can feel overwhelming when we start getting them back. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things to manage the thoughts and feelings. Giving family members so tips is a great idea. That will avoid a lot of unnecessary anxiety for you and confusion for them. You're doing great!

LunaLove9, just reading through your thread, sorry to hear of the job loss, but your probably right about the added stressors of a toxic work environment, it can definitely reek havoc on our sensitized CNS. As far as the frustration thing on simple things getting to us more easily I can totally relate, it definitely takes time to sort out these new feelings. Sounds like you have a good grasp on this. It's good new to hear family is getting better at understanding what's happening, it does make it easier on our system. As far as relearning emotions, yes it's definitely a learning process, but you sound like your handling this well, and definitely gets better with time. Your doing amazing, keeping a positive attitude truly helps, and your making tramendious progress. Time and patience is our friend, and my friend will be blessed with many more windows. When the windows come , hold on to that because this is what you have to look forward to, and will feel the calm and peace. Stay strong my friend, you got this.

Thank you both for your encouraging words.

I wouldn't have much an update since last time, except for last night and this morning I did have some flare of pudendal nerves being more aware. I hate it. I call it the overlap because sometimes it's that or a urinary urgency. I'd rather deal with the latter. It's so disconcerting sometimes... Aside from that, this morning I also had some "volatile thoughts". Unlike the emotional counterpart, I didn't really feel one way or the other, but instead my thoughts were just so.. angry. Combative. Imagining this or that. Luckily I was given the grace to recognize it for what it was quickly, and the day's distractions did help. I guess the unpredictability of it all just is strange. I'm more used to things having a reason. Like, oh, I ate something zesty, now my bladder's gonna be like a rag being wrung out. Or, crap, this coffee isn't decaf, let's try to calm the mind down and not freak. Been trying to recollect if I did anything to trigger this, as I guess the mind likes to know "why??", but I've learned some of this just isn't gonna be rational. It's unpleasant.. I acknowledge that. But I refuse to be ungrateful and forget how far God's brought me through this mess.

Just can't let yourself sink in these experiences. You can't. The human body is meant to heal, whether its irrational or you're going through the valleys of hell itself. We will get through.

Idk if I mentioned it before, but Luna has taken a turn for the worse again. I got upset again, and currently en route to the vet. Right now I feel strangely numb... like how the Lexapro blocked me from feeling anything . I've been so stressed lately with life and could feel it building up. I dont know what this feeling is, but im scared.

Pray for all of us, thank you..

Maybe more scared than I realized. Ever since my 29th and I started that hell pill, its been one difficult thing after another. My own family thinks it's weird how much "bad luck" I've had in one year, that's normally spaced out over a lifetime.

I just cant catch a break

6 hours ago, LunaLove96 said:

Idk if I mentioned it before, but Luna has taken a turn for the worse again. I got upset again, and currently en route to the vet. Right now I feel strangely numb... like how the Lexapro blocked me from feeling anything . I've been so stressed lately with life and could feel it building up. I dont know what this feeling is, but im scared.

Pray for all of us, thank you..

Im sorry to hear, I hope everything goes ok! x

You don't need to be scared. A dysregulated nervous system doesn't deal with stress well and that is what you are experiencing I suspect. You have got this, sometimes I wish we could be exempt from all life stressors till be heal, unfortunately that isn't how it work is it!

6 hours ago, LunaLove96 said:

Maybe more scared than I realized. Ever since my 29th and I started that hell pill, its been one difficult thing after another. My own family thinks it's weird how much "bad luck" I've had in one year, that's normally spaced out over a lifetime.

I just cant catch a break

You will catch a break. You are stronger than you know. x

Thank you Chippy. Feels like this whole year I’ve been tied to a train and just all over the place trying to keep up.

Last night was brutal and I think I’d make a good The walking dead zombie today.. I do notice with the prolonged stress my chest has been getting tighter, like hard to breathe. It also has been getting to my bladder with no consumed trigger.

I think I need to schedule a massage or get some fun drink with an umbrella lol..

Edited August 9Aug 9 by LunaLove96

7 minutes ago, LunaLove96 said:

Thank you Chippy. Feels like this whole year I’ve been tied to a train and just all over the place trying to keep up.

Last night was brutal and I think I’d make a good The walking dead zombie today.. I do notice with the prolonged stress my chest has been getting tighter, like hard to breathe. It also has been getting to my bladder with no consumed trigger.

I think I need to schedule a massage or get some fun drink with an umbrella lol..

Hi @LunaLove96 I hope Luna is doing better. I used to get that chest tightness too. In fact it was a major trigger for me that signaled a wave was coming. But you have the right attitude. You know it’ll pass regardless of how awful it is right now. I’ll pray for continued healing for you and Luna!