Hi!

I have a question to the wider forum about your sleep after your have stopped using AD. Last medication I stopped was Mirtazapine (my full story documented in the Surviving Antidepressants forum).

I have been off medication for 1 year and 5 months. It has been a rough journey. While there have been several things that seem to have improved, my sleep is causing me trouble. There was a moment of improvement, a moment where I could sleep quite ok. But specifically in the last week, since coming back from a family trip, where the last day was spent in a very uncomfortable place where I slept only 1h or so, my sleep since then has been strongly impacted. I once again experience nights with very little and shallow sleep. This has taken so much energy. Lack of sleep puts you on your knees very quickly and of course with that I start to again think of sleep issues being linked to some potential underlying issues and the overthinking spirals very quickly.

My question is on your experience with sleep within PAWS. I have heard that sleep is one of the most delicate systems that is very easily disturbed. I want to hear your experience and if you have any suggestions (besides drink Magnesium which of course I take).

Hey @HopeOfHealing

I’ve put this into your own topic so others can reply and offer you direct support.

Chippy

I empathise as a fellow Mirtazapine sufferer. It’s really tough sleep especially post Mirt.

Sounds like you’re in a bit of a wave and this has been triggered by being away and the stress of a different and difficult sleep environment.

My best advice is keep your sleep hygiene good. Early bed time the same each night. Set number of hours with a little wiggle room for when sleep onset is a challenge. Then practice acceptance and make sure you remind yourself this is wd. One of the biggest issues with sleep is sleep anxiety adding to the wd sleep. If you keep that at bay you are doing all you can.

As radical as it sounds. Learn to not care if you sleep. Trust you will get enough and your body knows how to do it. You can’t choose sleep. It just does it. If you wake often or struggle to sleep or find the sleep is non restorative it’s not your fault. It just the injury.

I think you are right. Sleep can be the longest symptom to resolve. You’ve had some good signs so given some time I think you’ll get back to a sleep window again and hopefully some improvements.

Be reassured that Mirt sufferers have this a lot it’s really common so you are not alone and there not likely anything else going on.

Sleep in WD

I sometimes have okayish (but not great) nights of sleep now, at more than 3 years off of mirtazapine.

The only thing I've done which helps is to go to bed early and spend the time in bed no matter what. Laying with your eyes closed trying to relax still has some benefits even if you don't sleep.

6 hours ago, Luke said:

The only thing I've done which helps is to go to bed early and spend the time in bed no matter what. Laying with your eyes closed trying to relax still has some benefits even if you don't sleep.

This has been part of my tactic too and found it helpful.

Hey!

Wanted to give an update as well as find some support from others who know how it is. I already wrote a bit in @Chippy story https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/6-chippy-short-term-use-of-mirtazapine-wd-after-ct/page/17/#comment-27312 that while many things I would say have improved, my sleep is the remaining part of the injury. And I do say "injury" as that is how it was described to me - something that is hurt and takes a long time to heal and might remain as my weak point that I need to watch out for (such as a weak ankle would be).

@Chippy and @Some0n3 talked about acceptance. The "it is how it is". For me this is very challenging. As the name of my topic suggests, "sleep problems" have been my main issue. All my encounter with AD's started with sleep issues. This was with my first use of any such medication and the situation did stabilise and I was able to get off the medication. But in August 2023 I again experienced significant sleep issues that lead me back to the doctor and back on medication. The fact that it was August, second part gives me a deja vu feeling because in past few days I have had 3 rough almost sleepless nights (few broken hours). And the feeling is terrifying as it seems like your brain cannot turn of. Like you would be standing in front of "the sleep door", but the door just doesn't open. And I am trying my best, but it is so tiring. There seems to be no clear explanation and I don't really know how to solve it. I am tired, but wired. My body can be relaxed a bit by a massage, but then once I climb into bed my heart starts racing and I just cannot shut it down. At least I don't know how.

So I am here, looking for support. Any advice. Any suggestion how to tackle this. Only real correlation I have noticed is with my period - sleeps seems to deteriorate around when it starts. But I don't know.

Once it feels like a true improvement, then something slaps you back down and you feel hopeless.

29 minutes ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Hey!

Wanted to give an update as well as find some support from others who know how it is. I already wrote a bit in @Chippy story https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/6-chippy-short-term-use-of-mirtazapine-wd-after-ct/page/17/#comment-27312 that while many things I would say have improved, my sleep is the remaining part of the injury. And I do say "injury" as that is how it was described to me - something that is hurt and takes a long time to heal and might remain as my weak point that I need to watch out for (such as a weak ankle would be).

@Chippy and @Some0n3 talked about acceptance. The "it is how it is". For me this is very challenging. As the name of my topic suggests, "sleep problems" have been my main issue. All my encounter with AD's started with sleep issues. This was with my first use of any such medication and the situation did stabilise and I was able to get off the medication. But in August 2023 I again experienced significant sleep issues that lead me back to the doctor and back on medication. The fact that it was August, second part gives me a deja vu feeling because in past few days I have had 3 rough almost sleepless nights (few broken hours). And the feeling is terrifying as it seems like your brain cannot turn of. Like you would be standing in front of "the sleep door", but the door just doesn't open. And I am trying my best, but it is so tiring. There seems to be no clear explanation and I don't really know how to solve it. I am tired, but wired. My body can be relaxed a bit by a massage, but then once I climb into bed my heart starts racing and I just cannot shut it down. At least I don't know how.

So I am here, looking for support. Any advice. Any suggestion how to tackle this. Only real correlation I have noticed is with my period - sleeps seems to deteriorate around when it starts. But I don't know.

Once it feels like a true improvement, then something slaps you back down and you feel hopeless.

Hey @HopeOfHealing i just wanted to say that it is okay if youre finding acceptance difficult, i think that we all did for a good while on our journeys. I think that the acceptance part comes slowly with time so no need to feel bad if it doesnt come as fast as you would like. I empathise with the sleep issues as i had them too. Id go to bed, and just when i felt like i was going to fall asleep, it feels like my body took it as a threat or something and my anxiety always went through the roof and my heart started racing. Before my sleep started to get better, i used this headphone band thing that you can place on your head and i listened to lofi music along with rain sounds etc and just tried to focus on that. I found that it did help me to some degree and id recommend trying it if you havent already. you could also do some calming exercises before bed if you find some that you like.

Edited August 18Aug 18 by Some0n3

For many, sleep seems to be one of the last things to really improve.

Often when it does, it can be very non linear. I can only see improvement if I look at what a bad night was like 6 months ago compared to now, for example. Other than that, it's just too variable.

It likely will improve in time, and some bad nights are unfortunately just part of that process.

Thank you @Some0n3 & @Luke

29 minutes ago, Some0n3 said:

I think that the acceptance part comes slowly with time so no need to feel bad if it doesnt come as fast as you would like.

For me the acceptance and giving up sound very similar. And in a way my mind needs deadlines. It is very hard to accept something that at the current point feels like will last for ever. From one side I do understand that it shouldn't last for ever. In the past it has stabilised. Then again every time it happens it feels like the worst, the deepest dip. But the thought creeps in - what if this state lasts for ever? What if this is the end? That I will be stuck like this with no relief. This is what brought me to the doctor the first place to seek some medication. So it feels like a vicious circle that I cannot get out of.

Well, symptoms are happening whether we accept them or not.

All you can do is get through it either way.

Today is hard. If I would just feel tired, that is ok. But I feel so bad it feels like I just can't exist. It is hard to describe it, but after three almost sleepless nights the feeling in my head and body is so intense I can't live with that. Also I want to eat but actually when I try to eat it makes me feel bad. I don't want to do anything Today. I just try to exist from one task to another just to fill the time and wait until something changes. I had anxiety before of course but this is different feeling, much deeper and intense. When I wake up from the last small snooze in the morning also the feeling is something to anxiety but for me it was when I was on larger dose of Mirtazapine and waking up was a hell every morning.

So basically I want accept it. I want to make it better. But it is so bad I can't simply overcome it. And I don't have an option to ask for help because every pill for sleep made my life much much worse, it gave me depression, lot of other symptoms and side effects, I don't want to start again. I believe you all know this well. So it is not option to consider. But what else I can do or ask help to whom. I feel stuck. I want to get over this and live my life, there are so many great things. Right now I feel as if the time and my life actually would have been frozen. I am not sure if that is correct term but based on what I have read feeling is called akathisia. As well as the sleep deprivation causes nausea all the time. As said, I am on my third day of this and it gets harder.

4 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Hey!

Wanted to give an update as well as find some support from others who know how it is. I already wrote a bit in @Chippy story https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/6-chippy-short-term-use-of-mirtazapine-wd-after-ct/page/17/#comment-27312 that while many things I would say have improved, my sleep is the remaining part of the injury. And I do say "injury" as that is how it was described to me - something that is hurt and takes a long time to heal and might remain as my weak point that I need to watch out for (such as a weak ankle would be).

@Chippy and @Some0n3 talked about acceptance. The "it is how it is". For me this is very challenging. As the name of my topic suggests, "sleep problems" have been my main issue. All my encounter with AD's started with sleep issues. This was with my first use of any such medication and the situation did stabilise and I was able to get off the medication. But in August 2023 I again experienced significant sleep issues that lead me back to the doctor and back on medication. The fact that it was August, second part gives me a deja vu feeling because in past few days I have had 3 rough almost sleepless nights (few broken hours). And the feeling is terrifying as it seems like your brain cannot turn of. Like you would be standing in front of "the sleep door", but the door just doesn't open. And I am trying my best, but it is so tiring. There seems to be no clear explanation and I don't really know how to solve it. I am tired, but wired. My body can be relaxed a bit by a massage, but then once I climb into bed my heart starts racing and I just cannot shut it down. At least I don't know how.

So I am here, looking for support. Any advice. Any suggestion how to tackle this. Only real correlation I have noticed is with my period - sleeps seems to deteriorate around when it starts. But I don't know.

Once it feels like a true improvement, then something slaps you back down and you feel hopeless.

Hey @HopeOfHealing what really helped with my sleep was a strict routine of sleep hygiene as Chippy mentioned.

Every night without fail id have a bubble bath with lavender in and bath salts. Then I'd massage my legs, arms, chest, stomach and feet in bio oil. And id drink herbal tea while reading. It really helped me. I also made my room super cosy with fairy lights.

Edited August 18Aug 18 by cherrysquid

@HopeOfHealing I’ve said quite a bit to you about sleep before so I’ll leave others to add things. What I will say is acceptance is not about giving up. Quite the opposite. It’s just about removing the resistance which causes the suffering and with sleep can introduce second fear. Accepting you can’t control sleep helps to aid sleep for example. You can’t have a road map for healing. By accepting we are not saying this is how it is now. Far from it. We are just saying this is how it is in this moment. We expect things to get better over time. Always.

42 minutes ago, Chippy said:

What I will say is acceptance is not about giving up. Quite the opposite. It’s just about removing the resistance which causes the suffering and with sleep can introduce second fear. Accepting you can’t control sleep helps to aid sleep for example. You can’t have a road map for healing. By accepting we are not saying this is how it is now. Far from it. We are just saying this is how it is in this moment. We expect things to get better over time. Always.

100% this @HopeOfHealing. Sleep anxiety is what led me to my first drugs back in 2009. After all these years, withdrawal has finally taught me that the only way to deal with it is to accept that I can’t control how I sleep from one night to the other. This doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on ever having a good night’s sleep — I know that my sleep will improve as my nervous system settles down. It just means trying my best not to feed my symptoms with additional anxiety about the symptoms themselves. Believe me, I’m not always perfect at this, but even the effort is helpful!

I know things are awful right now, but you will get through it and you will heal 💜

7 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Thank you @Some0n3 & @Luke

For me the acceptance and giving up sound very similar. And in a way my mind needs deadlines. It is very hard to accept something that at the current point feels like will last for ever. From one side I do understand that it shouldn't last for ever. In the past it has stabilised. Then again every time it happens it feels like the worst, the deepest dip. But the thought creeps in - what if this state lasts for ever? What if this is the end? That I will be stuck like this with no relief. This is what brought me to the doctor the first place to seek some medication. So it feels like a vicious circle that I cannot get out of.

the what ifs are pretty hard to get rid of and i used to absolutely obsess over them. Doesnt help that i have ocd but ive slowly learned to just not care about the what ifs. For example if i experience pain in my chest, i wouldve absolutely freaked out and panicked before "what if im having a heart attack" "what if im going to die" but i found a really effective method against this atleast for me. Indifference. Nowadays if i have chest pain and have the "what if im having a heart attack" i just think "guess i am having a heart attack and im going to die" i dont try to seek reassurance with things like googling how common it is for chest pain to be a heart attack. I simply think of the worst case scenario in my head with indifference and the what if loses almost all of its power. I know it isnt easy and that it takes time but it is possible.

4 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Today is hard. If I would just feel tired, that is ok. But I feel so bad it feels like I just can't exist. It is hard to describe it, but after three almost sleepless nights the feeling in my head and body is so intense I can't live with that. Also I want to eat but actually when I try to eat it makes me feel bad. I don't want to do anything Today. I just try to exist from one task to another just to fill the time and wait until something changes. I had anxiety before of course but this is different feeling, much deeper and intense. When I wake up from the last small snooze in the morning also the feeling is something to anxiety but for me it was when I was on larger dose of Mirtazapine and waking up was a hell every morning.

So basically I want accept it. I want to make it better. But it is so bad I can't simply overcome it. And I don't have an option to ask for help because every pill for sleep made my life much much worse, it gave me depression, lot of other symptoms and side effects, I don't want to start again. I believe you all know this well. So it is not option to consider. But what else I can do or ask help to whom. I feel stuck. I want to get over this and live my life, there are so many great things. Right now I feel as if the time and my life actually would have been frozen. I am not sure if that is correct term but based on what I have read feeling is called akathisia. As well as the sleep deprivation causes nausea all the time. As said, I am on my third day of this and it gets harder.

I hope that you start feeling better soon. Also please dont push yourself too hard, sometimes simply just existing is enough.

I can relate to the feeling like your life has been frozen or stopped in time but the reality is that healing takes time and theres nothing we can do to change that fact. You still have plenty of life ahead of you that youll be able to enjoy when you get better.

Edited August 18Aug 18 by Some0n3

Hey!

Just to give an update - last night was slightly better. Not great, probably not even good, but ok. I went to bed at roughly midnight and still had some way to go till I actually tried to fall asleep - it was daunting to try to all asleep afraid that I will not be able to. When I finally laid down I felt huge anxiety, heart pounding, and mind racing. The one thing that did resonate with me yesterday tho is the thought that "I don't have to be 100% relaxed to fall asleep". I have always thought that if my mind is racing and heart is pounding that is it.. until I solve those i cannot fall asleep. But that thought of letting your body do what it does and saying I don't have to solve this now... I don't have to figure out all the things now or even make my heart stop racing somehow helped. So at around 3am (yea.. it took some while as I got a bit hungry and I was talking with my partner for a while), I finally did go to sleep and slept for some solid 5h which is a relief.

Today of course, it is not all sunshines and rainbows. My mind is still playing tricks. Anxiety is still high. Questions like - "What will tonight bring?", "How will I sleep this time?", "Maybe I fell asleep because I had high sleep dept and tonight I will not have it", "I had similar issues in Aug 2023 that lead me to sleeping pills, how can I know this will not be the same exact situation" and so on and so forth. It's a challenge.

Hey @HopeOfHealing

Glad you got some sleep last night,

This is acceptance in action. I resonate with what you said about being able to sleep even though you don't feel 100% able to. I often have a sore head and it can really be quite bad at night, I sleep all the same. This is what we are talking about, letting go of control, letting it just be, trusting you will sleep as much as you will sleep, that you don't control it.

There is no doubt in my mind that sleeping is harder for you now because of your injury. However it doesn't really matter what is causing it. The way to deal with it in either case is to accept, don't resist, trust your body knows how to sleep, just give yourself up to the night and let go. Learn to not care how much you sleep. All this helps so much.

One extra thing, because WD makes sleep hard, that can put doubt into your mind that it is WD, that delayed onsite is a killer at times, just remember that, sleep is likley to be harder to get atm from a purely technical stand point whilst you continue healing, the main thing here is to know that and engage coping skills to ensure you don't add to the problem.

xxxx

Thank you @Chippy 🙏

I also wanted to add something because I realise that my post focused mostly on sleep, but right I also wanted to add something because my posts have focused mostly on sleep, but right now it feels like more than just the sleep.

During the day I have a lot of anxiety that feels very physical, almost like my whole body and nervous system are affected. Everything can feel strange and unsettled, and at times I also get these dissociative or derealisation type states. Some of this feels more intense or different from what I remember before.

I also really want to say how much I appreciate everyone who takes the time to reply. I stayed away from the forum for quite a while because things had become more stable and I deliberately wanted to stop thinking about withdrawal and recovery all the time and just live my life. But right now things are very difficult again, and every reply and bit of support genuinely means a lot to me.

I am scared, especially because I don’t know how I can know that this will get better again. When it gets this intense, it is hard not to think, what if it keeps getting worse or becomes completely uncontrollable? How do I know I will get through this?

I am now around 1 year and 8 months off medication, and I especially wanted to ask if anyone has experienced a really severe wave this far out after a more stable period? Suddenly my sleep feels almost as bad as in the beginning, with very strong physical anxiety and these strange dissociative feelings that I don’t remember being this pronounced before.

Has anyone had something similar, where after making progress you suddenly had a severe wave or symptoms that felt new or more intense? Did you eventually return to your previous baseline and continue improving?

I think right now I am really looking for experiences, perspective and reassurance from people who have been through something similar. It is very hard not to be frightened about what is happening.

And thank you again to everyone who replies. Right now it really means a lot to me.

I’d keep this very close to your Latvian, especially the distinction that even the “better” periods haven’t meant actually feeling well or like your old self.

I don’t know if this is an emotional consequence of the sleep problems and inability to sleep that started recently, which is affecting me both physically and emotionally, or if these are additional symptoms. But today my general anxiety has become much stronger and I feel it throughout my whole body.

I can’t stop crying. I literally think, I can’t live like this. I don’t feel joy, meaning, anything. Overall, I feel like I am completely unable to relax, simply be and enjoy it. I can’t feel pleasure. I am just existing.

Honestly, I don’t even remember the last time I genuinely felt good. I mean really good, like a normal person, like I did for the first 30 years of my life. Even during the better periods, I am still just existing. I don’t know how to make myself believe that something can still change. I literally don’t understand what has happened to me.

After everything I went through with the medications and then coming off them, I would never have thought that 1 year and 9 months later something this horrible could still happen.

It was getting better! Not good, but little by little at least some things were becoming more neutral. I lost hope many times, but there were also moments that gave me hope again.

Right now it feels like everything has been destroyed. Before, I could tell myself that what was happening was withdrawal. Now, this far out, I really doubt whether I can still explain it that way. But at the same time, I don’t know what exactly this is or what I can do about it.

Has anyone experienced something this severe this far out, especially after things had become somewhat more stable? Could the sudden worsening of sleep cause all of this, or could these symptoms all be part of the same thing?

Please, if anyone has experienced anything similar, share your experience with me. Anything at all that might help me understand what is happening or give me some hope right now. I really need that at the moment.

@Luke

@Some0n3 @Chippy

@HopeOfHealing it sounds like to me you are just having a nasty wave. This isn’t uncommon unfortunately. It’s not going backwards it’s just part of the journey. Don’t think this isn’t wd. It 100% is. Many have suffered this far out and had waves suddenly too.

All the normal things apply. Remind yourself this is your injury not you. Acceptance and taking one day at a time.

Don’t get in your head about sleep. Just chill relax and trust your body to get the rest you need.

With your other symptoms float, stay calm. Burn off the anxiety with a gentle walk. Perhaps look at other things such as meditation and breathing exercises.

Stay calm. I understood this is scary but it’s just temporary. Xxx

1 hour ago, HopeOfHealing said:

I’d keep this very close to your Latvian, especially the distinction that even the “better” periods haven’t meant actually feeling well or like your old self.

I don’t know if this is an emotional consequence of the sleep problems and inability to sleep that started recently, which is affecting me both physically and emotionally, or if these are additional symptoms. But today my general anxiety has become much stronger and I feel it throughout my whole body.

I can’t stop crying. I literally think, I can’t live like this. I don’t feel joy, meaning, anything. Overall, I feel like I am completely unable to relax, simply be and enjoy it. I can’t feel pleasure. I am just existing.

Honestly, I don’t even remember the last time I genuinely felt good. I mean really good, like a normal person, like I did for the first 30 years of my life. Even during the better periods, I am still just existing. I don’t know how to make myself believe that something can still change. I literally don’t understand what has happened to me.

After everything I went through with the medications and then coming off them, I would never have thought that 1 year and 9 months later something this horrible could still happen.

It was getting better! Not good, but little by little at least some things were becoming more neutral. I lost hope many times, but there were also moments that gave me hope again.

Right now it feels like everything has been destroyed. Before, I could tell myself that what was happening was withdrawal. Now, this far out, I really doubt whether I can still explain it that way. But at the same time, I don’t know what exactly this is or what I can do about it.

Has anyone experienced something this severe this far out, especially after things had become somewhat more stable? Could the sudden worsening of sleep cause all of this, or could these symptoms all be part of the same thing?

Please, if anyone has experienced anything similar, share your experience with me. Anything at all that might help me understand what is happening or give me some hope right now. I really need that at the moment.

@Luke

@Some0n3 @Chippy

So sorry you are going through such a difficult time @HopeOfHealing I can only imagine how hard it is to be so long after zero and still experience such harsh waves but the process as you know is not linear and within these fluctuations the system continues to heal continuously.

I remember that my longest break was near 10 month mixed with some good moments and much, much less but at the time I had zero clue of what's going on and thought that something was fundamentally flawed in me which drew me back into this cycle which I regret so much because today I know that this is exactly how the process works and recovery eventually happens, if I had only continued to survive the days..

Hang in there, it's temporary chemical crisis that does not allow you to see a vision for recovery but it will come.

You are strong and you'll get through this.

Edited August 19Aug 19 by Fullhealing

@HopeOfHealing I'm so sorry for your suffering. Like Chippy and Fullhealing have both said, this is absolutely a wave. The sad reality is that many folks in PAWS suffer waves this far out. Just the fact that things were getting better for you before this, even if they were far from "good", shows that you can and will recover. Don't let the waves convince you otherwise. Just get through each day, one minute at a time if need be, and you will make it to the other side.

@HopeOfHealing as the others have stated previously, this is most definitely a wave you are experiencing. Your body is in the process of regulating itself and kinda trying to figure out where everything needs to be. As you have probably have heard the old saying, " The bigger the wave the bigger the window " Hang on to those windows that you have experienced because that my friend is what is about to emerge. Remember that God is by your side at the most difficult and challenging times, when we are weak he carries us, when we fear he Grant's us peace and at times when were lost , he guides us to a brighter day. Mert is a very changeling at times , as for I was on citalopram and am currently at 22 months from zero and I to have moments that can be difficult but remind yourself of those windows and hang on to that, because that is truly what is trying to emerge. God heals us in different stages and when the time is right you will receive the relief. So for now my dear friend try if you're able to and distract yourself as much as you can handle. I fully believe that with time and patience you will get through this. Deep down inside you are stronger than this WD . Tell yourself, " Not this time, not today, this will not beat me, it's just a symptom and it will pass. Hugs for now my friend xxx Bernadette ❤️

Thank you all for the support! It means a lot! Truly! ❤️🙏

Another update after last night. This is now the fifth night that my sleep has been severely disturbed.

Before these five nights, I had already gradually noticed my sleep getting worse. I was waking more often and waking earlier. Then I started waking suddenly in the middle of the night and being unable to fall asleep again. It feels like it has progressed step by step into where I am now, and I am becoming very frightened by how severe it has become and how many nights it has continued.

Last night Garmin recorded 5h29 of sleep with a sleep score of 49. I know Garmin is not completely accurate and I don’t want to treat the numbers as exact, but the trend worries me. My average overnight heart rate has continued to rise and was 62 last night, while my HRV has fallen to 47.

I feel so incredibly sleep deprived, but somehow it is even more than just being tired. The feeling is almost impossible to describe. It is like I am in some other dimension. I desperately want to sleep deeply, peacefully and continuously, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

What frightens me most is that last night I actually had less anxiety when I went to bed. I fell asleep quite quickly. But I cannot seem to stay asleep. It feels like I enter sleep for a little while and then immediately wake up again. Later in the night I woke and felt as though I barely slept at all afterwards. The sleep was incredibly shallow, although I remember a few small dreams, so I suppose there must have been little periods of sleep.

My sleep feels so shallow that twice during the night I became extremely hungry and could hear my stomach growling.

This is why I find it so hard to understand this simply as anxiety. I wasn’t lying there worrying or thinking myself into staying awake. Even when I felt some anxiety before bed, I told myself, “I accept that I am anxious right now. That’s okay. I can continue resting and allow these feelings to be here.” And I did fall asleep. The problem is that I cannot seem to remain asleep.

It genuinely feels as if something about the sleep mechanism in my brain is not working properly, and I am terrified that I am somehow losing my ability to sleep.

I also find it incredibly difficult to believe that this could still be withdrawal 1 year and 8 months off medication. I had a long period of relative stabilisation and, overall, an upward trend. Most importantly, I don’t remember having a period that felt quite like this before.

When I look at the yearly graph, I can see what looks like a wave pattern. But that almost makes this harder for me to understand. Even during a wave I would expect some fluctuation, some nights worse and others a little better, until eventually things start moving upward again. Right now it feels like it is progressively going down.

That makes me afraid that maybe some illness or something else has started. Why, after such a long period of improvement, would it suddenly become worse than it has been before? Why would a wave this far out be so severe and feel so different?

Has anything like what is happening to me right now ever happened to any of you with your sleep? If not personally, have you ever seen someone else here describe something similar? I just find what is happening to me right now almost impossible to comprehend.

Has anyone experienced such a severe deterioration in sleep this far into recovery, after a long period of stabilisation, where it seemed to keep getting worse for a while before eventually turning around again?

I am trying very hard to cope with it and not fight every sensation, but I am scared. Part of me keeps wondering whether my sleep has somehow become stuck in this strange state.

I would give anything just to be able to sleep normally again.

Please share if you have experienced anything similar, or remember someone else describing something like this. Right now I really need some perspective and hope that something this severe can still turn around.