4 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

It is sad that I can't spend quality time with my kids because I can't focus. I hug them and kiss them, say I love them, but that's about all I can manage. Sometimes we go for a walk with the dog together, and during those walks there are better moments when we can actually talk. Otherwise, I find myself wanting to hide most of the time because I don't want them to see me like this. I can't control the crying or the constant nervous pacing around the room. I can't imagine myself doing a puzzle or reading a book right now.

I had an online university lecture today a few hours ago. I just listened, but I couldn't take in any of the information. I heard the words, but I wasn't really there. I couldn't process or understand what I was hearing. Normally, studying has never been difficult for me.

I have been there and still sometimes, I get here, but it gotten better. All those feelings, I have experienced as well. We can't control this healing process, but we can control our perspective to see things differently. To spend time with kids, during my worst time, I invited them to walk. I spent time a a park trying to feel happy even though I was not there. Many times I felt like I couldn't go for walks before panic and fear hits me daily, no emotions, sadnesses, etc, but I refused to pay attention to all of that. During the next 6bmonths and I still do, I decided to walk and be outside in nature. My kids enjoyed the moment with me too. I am still struggling, but thanks God, it is not as bad as it used to. everything will get better, but you need to try to change perspective and tell your mind that you can still go for walks and be happy even when there is no emotions. After a while, things slowly improved.

Also, I prayed and continue to pray for healing, and I also drink holy water too.

Patience, acceptance, and prayer are the only tool to get out of it.

I know it's hard. We all know about this, but it's important to focus on your healing and listen to your body. It is also frustrating when you read something and can't concentrate or understand what you are reading. I'm still fighting this issue. It gets better in the afternoons.....

@HopeOfHealing as I said privately, I believe you're very much going through withdrawal and having an extremely difficult, but temporary wave. Pretty much everything you're describing is absolutely classic withdrawal syndrome and symptoms.

How temporary this wave is, and how long it will last, nobody can say but you are having glimmers of being better in amongst the very hard times, which is a good sign that it is not permanent.

The only way out of it is through it.

I want to add something because today the fear is overwhelming me.

I am trembling and I cannot even tell whether this is my emotional reaction to everything that is happening, or whether this fear itself is part of the wave.

Again, last night was very fragmented and felt almost like being awake while sleeping. This morning I feel drugged and disconnected, almost like I am in another reality.

Even normal sounds are affecting me strangely. My children laughing or shouting makes me nervous. Sometimes even when someone talks to me, it scares me. My breathing feels heavy. I have almost no appetite and I have to force myself to eat, but food itself makes me feel emotionally sick.

My neck and shoulders tighten painfully. Strange trembling sensations move through my body. And there is this horrible feeling of dread, like something terrible is about to happen. It is very hard to describe, but it feels completely unnatural and deeply disturbing.

Everything together is so intense that I am getting through it minute by minute.

My husband and I are going for a walk now because walking sometimes helps a little.

What scares me most is the fear that this will keep getting worse. I am also terrified of ending up in hospital and being given psychiatric medication that my nervous system cannot tolerate. My mind is running in every possible direction.

I know I have asked this many times, but I am asking again because I am struggling so much: can this really still be a withdrawal wave? Can a wave really be this extreme? Can this happen around 20 months off, after I had already improved, and suddenly become worse than anything before?

I am desperately looking for success stories or experiences from people who have been this bad and still recovered. Please, if you know examples, write to me.

These are not normal feelings. This is not normal anxiety. It feels like something beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life.

I need to know that there can still be a way out of something this severe.

3 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

I want to add something because today the fear is overwhelming me.

I am trembling and I cannot even tell whether this is my emotional reaction to everything that is happening, or whether this fear itself is part of the wave.

Again, last night was very fragmented and felt almost like being awake while sleeping. This morning I feel drugged and disconnected, almost like I am in another reality.

Even normal sounds are affecting me strangely. My children laughing or shouting makes me nervous. Sometimes even when someone talks to me, it scares me. My breathing feels heavy. I have almost no appetite and I have to force myself to eat, but food itself makes me feel emotionally sick.

My neck and shoulders tighten painfully. Strange trembling sensations move through my body. And there is this horrible feeling of dread, like something terrible is about to happen. It is very hard to describe, but it feels completely unnatural and deeply disturbing.

Everything together is so intense that I am getting through it minute by minute.

My husband and I are going for a walk now because walking sometimes helps a little.

What scares me most is the fear that this will keep getting worse. I am also terrified of ending up in hospital and being given psychiatric medication that my nervous system cannot tolerate. My mind is running in every possible direction.

I know I have asked this many times, but I am asking again because I am struggling so much: can this really still be a withdrawal wave? Can a wave really be this extreme? Can this happen around 20 months off, after I had already improved, and suddenly become worse than anything before?

I am desperately looking for success stories or experiences from people who have been this bad and still recovered. Please, if you know examples, write to me.

These are not normal feelings. This is not normal anxiety. It feels like something beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life.

I need to know that there can still be a way out of something this severe.

@HopeOfHealing . All of that is typical withdrawal symptoms and waves. I had them too. My kids screaming gave me panic. My boss sending me emails gave me fear and panic. My wife just saying things like guess what, gave me panic and fear. Sometimes, she will just talk to her say and say , oh my gosh, and I'm in the other side of the room and I will jump into panic and fear.

Like we said before, it's a wave and withdrawal symptoms. Keep holding and eventually will go away, but the sad part is that we don't know when. I know it gets better in time...

On 4-9-2026 at 13:17, HopeOfHealing said:

Ik zou zeer dankbaar zijn voor eventuele ervaringen of steun. Heeft iemand van jullie dagen als deze gehad tijdens een golf, waarbij het verdriet en de hopeloosheid plotseling overweldigend werden, zelfs toen sommige andere symptomen veranderden?

I feel your pain. My only sympathy are severe depression, anhedonia and anxiety. I’m in the beginning of WD. So my days are filled with what you describe. Because I don’t have support system and a husband , my daughter can not live with me at this moment .. be happy that you can live under one roof with your loved one. Although I don’t think I want her to see me like this

@HopeOfHealing I'm so sorry my friend you have to go through this, but I encountered the most glorious window and it was lovely, inspiring, and something to hold on to. Even with me at nearing my 23rd month from zero didn't expect a wave to hit me like it has, but the window, that glorious fabulous window, now this is what I hold on to in difficult times as the one you or all of us have to go through. The further we go it just shows that the big major stuff is being worked on and some fine tuning. This is most definitely a wave and I'm sorry it's being so harsh on you, but deep down inside you have the strength to get through this, remember that the Lord our God is with you and carrying you at your weakest, standing by your side guiding you , this is from my prayer guide, hope it helps.

God

I'm starting this day

Without answers.

I don't understand

What you're doing.

Or why this feeling is so heavy.

But the sun still came up,

And so did I.

So give me enough light

For the next step.

Enough patience

For the next conversation.

Enough peace

To quiet the what-if's

I don't need the whole picture.

Just stay close

While I walk through what I don't understand.

AMEN

This phase you are going through will pass, so dig deeper than you ever have and say " Not this time, not today for I am stronger than and I will endure, and come out strong ".

Hugs my friend 🤗

@Bernadette Thank you so much for the prayer! 🙏 It speaks very deeply to me. ❤️

My husband and I are actually sitting together reading the Bible at this very moment and trying to keep fighting through this. But at times I feel so incredibly low that it feels almost impossible. The intensity of these feelings feels unreal, like I cannot believe a person can actually feel this way.

I am trying to hold onto my faith and hope, even during the moments when I struggle to feel them myself.

I so relate with emotional feelings, this will pass @HopeOfHealing the physical when they come just let them be and don't exasperate the feelings, it starts to lose its grip. Right now I'm shampooing my carpets and later I'll go mow some lawn , I get my stubbornness from my Dad and tell yourself I refuse to let this consume me. God is giving you strength to push through this, and guiding every step for tomorrow is a new dawn that lightens our way. I'm glad you have such a supportive husband through all this. And when the time comes and not a second sooner God will bless you with much needed relief for he sees how hard you are working through this challenge. God bless my friend 🙏

I am so desperate that my mind keeps going to all kinds of thoughts. I feel like I cannot tolerate this combination of depression, despair, anxiety, poor sleep and physical symptoms anymore.

Then I start thinking: what if this really is depression that needs to be treated? What if the fact that I cannot feel anything good and have absolutely no desire to do anything means something else?

I also keep reading stories here about reinstatement. But realistically, even if desperation made me willing to take something just to feel better, I don’t really have a medication I know I can safely return to. I have tried so many. Benzodiazepines caused dependence and severe withdrawal. Antidepressants caused severe depression and thoughts of not wanting to live. Other medications caused side effects I simply couldn’t tolerate. Even on the last medications I wasn’t well.

In one way, knowing this protects me from making an impulsive decision. But in another way, it creates this horrible feeling that I have no options.

The only option seems to be to endure, wait and trust that this will resolve. But when I feel like this, the uncertainty of when becomes incredibly difficult to tolerate.

Today my husband asked me to name the things that are bothering me most right now. I said headaches, no desire to do anything, an extremely tight neck, and this feeling as if all my nerve endings are exposed and anxiety can just flow freely through my whole body. There is constant internal tension.

But actually it is incredibly difficult to answer his question because I feel uncomfortable everywhere, physically and emotionally, without being able to identify exactly what is wrong.

That is one of the strangest parts of this. I can feel that being inside my own body and mind is almost unbearable, yet I cannot even clearly explain what exactly is causing the suffering.

Has anyone experienced this? Where everything simply feels wrong and unbearable, physically and emotionally, but you cannot even identify or describe one specific symptom that is responsible for it?

Please read this if you can. I need your support so much right now.

Just to be clear: I am not suicidal. My husband is with me, I tell him about my thoughts and feelings, and what I want more than anything is to fight for my life back.

But right now I have extreme rumination and intrusive thoughts. It feels like a radio playing in my head that I cannot switch off: there is no way out, I will have to go to hospital, I can’t live another day feeling like this, maybe I need to take mirtazapine just to switch myself off and calm down.

These thoughts just keep going around and around.

Yesterday was extremely difficult emotionally and physically, with restlessness, nervousness and these thoughts. At night my body was activated again and it was difficult even to lie still. I literally repeated prayers over and over so my mind couldn’t process the other thoughts, but it was still very difficult.

I am shaking. Eating and drinking are difficult. I feel as though I have lost control of my own mind.

I slept around 4 hours in total, but only in small pieces, and it doesn’t feel like I slept at all. I desperately want one proper, restorative night.

But I have had better nights during this same wave, so surely that means my body is still capable of sleeping? Yesterday evening I was lying on the sofa watching a movie with my family and, although I didn’t actually fall asleep, there was a moment when I could feel my mind beginning to go offline.

Please tell me if you have ever been in a state like this. Can a withdrawal wave really cause this degree of rumination, intrusive thoughts, restlessness and feeling that you are losing control of your mind? Did it pass for you?

And how did you deal with thoughts about taking medication again simply because you desperately wanted the suffering and insomnia to stop?

It has been such a long road and I have already been through so much because of these drugs. This summer finally gave me real hope that I was recovering. The thought of starting this whole journey again terrifies me.

Please share anything that helped you get through moments like this. And if you had sleep this broken and strange, did normal restorative sleep eventually come back?

I just popped on this site now because the Ambien I took only lasted 3 or 4 hours and now I'm left at 2am with this insane runination. You are completely not alone in this .

@HopeOfHealing you’ve got this!!

My sleep has become extremely fragmented again. I struggle to fall asleep, wake quickly, and feel severely sleep deprived.

Out of desperation, thoughts of restarting mirtazapine keep coming. Please help me stay rational about why making that decision now may be a bad idea.

I remind myself:

• I am ~20 months off.

• Getting off medication was extremely difficult.

• I had severe reactions to many drugs.

• Even mirtazapine had significant side effects.

• My natural sleep has returned before, including very good sleep this summer.

• Even during this wave I have had some much better nights.

Have you been this desperate from withdrawal insomnia and still had your natural sleep return? What helped you resist making medication decisions in the worst moments?

5 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Have you been this desperate from withdrawal insomnia and still had your natural sleep return? What helped you resist making medication decisions in the worst moments?

1. If you haven't already, get rid of any mirtazapine you have left.

2. Put some sort of reminder or wallpaper on your phone reminding you that you are in withdrawal. You really can't trust your mind about certain things at the moment. Especially reintroducing drugs.

3. This wave will pass too.

I wish I had done these things. Reinstating will make things 10x worse for you at this point. Short term pain for long term gain.

@HopeOfHealing Sorry to read you're having a bad wave. I know that feeling of wanting to change something, but let your system do the healing work. You are on your way to recovery, keep letting the waves peak and fall 🙏✨️

Edited September 6Sep 6 by Amy B

@HopeOfHealing I think it would be a bad idea to reinstate mirtazapine.

Firstly, reinstatement this far out has a significant chance of causing harm, and it can much worse. It might not feel like it, but the harm these drugs can do is inconceivable, and people often think they're the worst it can be...until they cause further destabilisation and find out otherwise.

Secondly, reinstatement is not a magic solution, a "successful" reinstatement is still very likely to cause you to have windows and waves and go up and down, and involve plenty of very difficult times, especially this far out, and that's if it works. As above, it has a serious risk of causing a LOT more harm.

As @Kahran said, this wave will pass too. Note that people who have attempted further drugs hoping for symptom relief are chiming in to warn you against it.

Everything you are reminding yourself of is completely valid.

22 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

What helped you resist making medication decisions in the worst moments?

There are two types of people in prescribed harm communities:

1. people who have been so badly harmed by these drugs that they know that taking any more is not an option at all

2. people who haven't turned into number 1....yet

You'll have to trust me on this, you do not want to become number 1 by learning the hard way that these drugs can cause absolutely intolerable, constant suffering for years and years and the level of disability and impairment that they can cause can leave people barely above being a vegetable. No going for runs, no reading books, no watching TV, no nothing outside of immense suffering.

I don't say this to amplify your fears and to cause anxiety, but I really think that people actually cannot conceptualise and image the state these drugs can leave you in until they experience it, and I don't want you to experience it. I want you to get through this wave and keep getting better. I strongly believe that you will.

Good morning!

Thank you @Luke @Kahran @Amy B @Johan1233, and everyone else who has replied. I know this rationally and I agree with what you are saying. My own previous experience also supports it. But when I become desperate, my thoughts go completely off track and sometimes I just need another person to tell me clearly again.

Yesterday something changed dramatically. From the morning it felt almost like my brain suddenly connected back to “my file”.

I walked to a bookstore to get something for the children and actually noticed how warm and sunny the day was. The colours literally seemed brighter. I enjoyed hearing the birds. I stopped at a café, had pancakes and they tasted amazing.

Then normal thoughts started appearing spontaneously: I should cook something, clean the fridge, etc. I actually did those things while listening to music and felt good doing them. These are ordinary things that normally matter to me, but after these weeks it felt incredible.

Later our family friends visited and I genuinely enjoyed being together. Even this morning my mind seems to be working — I went through emails and I'm thinking about going for a walk.

But my sleep is still terrible.

It is very difficult to fall asleep. When I do, I keep waking up, and the sleep feels so shallow that in the morning it almost feels as though I haven't slept at all. But I know I did sleep.

There were improvements: I didn't eat during the night, the anxiety was much lower, I didn't wake my husband, and the rumination/intrusive thoughts were much less intense. The evening itself was calm and relaxed.

I know I have probably developed some automatic fear around bedtime after everything that has happened during these nights. I cannot simply switch that off. I try to remind myself that I can sleep even with some anxiety, that I don't need to solve sleep while lying there, and I try to just rest quietly.

What else can I do about the sleep? Why might the emotional/cognitive symptoms improve so dramatically while the sleep remains so fragmented and shallow? Can sleep simply lag behind the other improvements and eventually return to normal?

I am genuinely grateful for every improvement. Yesterday was a huge reminder that I am still there. But sleep feels so important, and I desperately want to understand whether this can be a normal part of recovery.

New update: I would really appreciate your perspective on the overall course of what is happening to me.

I am now entering the 4th week of this wave/setback.

Something remarkable happened recently: for about a day and a half, things changed significantly. My interest and motivation returned. I wanted to do normal things again. I felt pleasure and enjoyment. Even physically, my vision seemed clearer and my senses somehow brighter. This morning I still had good moments and genuinely enjoyed a walk while listening to a podcast.

Then around the middle of today I started feeling nervousness and fear creeping back in.

Now the anxiety has become much stronger again. My surroundings seem foggy and unreal, almost as if part of my consciousness has changed again. The horrible difficult-to-describe sensations are returning, and my neck/shoulders are physically tightening again.

What confuses me so much is that I had just felt noticeably better.

Sleep has remained the most persistent problem throughout all of this. There have been relatively better nights, but overall I still struggle to fall asleep, wake repeatedly and spend much of the night feeling almost awake. I haven’t really had a genuinely restorative night during these weeks. I am exhausted.

I kept hoping: another week and this will pass. But now I am entering week four and I don’t know what to expect.

I know I keep asking the same question, but I still struggle enormously to understand how, 20 months completely off medication and after substantial improvement, I could suddenly experience the longest and most severe setback I have had.

Does the fact that I had this very clear 1.5-day improvement/window and then symptoms returned again fit what you experienced in a wave?

And have any of you had a late wave lasting 4+ weeks, with brief clear windows appearing before the wave finally settled?

Edited September 8Sep 8 by HopeOfHealing

2 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

My interest and motivation returned. I wanted to do normal things again. I felt pleasure and enjoyment. Even physically, my vision seemed clearer and my senses somehow brighter. This morning I still had good moments and genuinely enjoyed a walk while listening to a podcast.

This is a brief window you have experienced. Windows can last a minute, hours, weeks, or months. My longest window was at month 19 to 21 where I had my first 9 consecutive weeks feeling great and more normal. All gone at 21 months....

2 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

Then around the middle of today I started feeling nervousness and fear creeping back in.

Now the anxiety has become much stronger again. My surroundings seem foggy and unreal, almost as if part of my consciousness has changed again. The horrible difficult-to-describe sensations are returning, and my neck/shoulders are physically tightening again.

I still experiencing this but not strong. It still bothers me at 22 months journey, but it seems little weaker than any other months....this is normal. You can have a one day window just to go back to a waves for days or months... unfortunately, it is how the system heals..

2 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

20 months completely off medication and after substantial improvement, I could suddenly experience the longest and most severe setback I have had.

Many people who were off from medication, they still experiece windows and waves for even five years, but at the same time, waves becomes shorter. It is hard to predict.

1 hour ago, HopeOfHealing said:

New update: I would really appreciate your perspective on the overall course of what is happening to me.

I am now entering the 4th week of this wave/setback.

Something remarkable happened recently: for about a day and a half, things changed significantly. My interest and motivation returned. I wanted to do normal things again. I felt pleasure and enjoyment. Even physically, my vision seemed clearer and my senses somehow brighter. This morning I still had good moments and genuinely enjoyed a walk while listening to a podcast.

Then around the middle of today I started feeling nervousness and fear creeping back in.

Now the anxiety has become much stronger again. My surroundings seem foggy and unreal, almost as if part of my consciousness has changed again. The horrible difficult-to-describe sensations are returning, and my neck/shoulders are physically tightening again.

What confuses me so much is that I had just felt noticeably better.

Sleep has remained the most persistent problem throughout all of this. There have been relatively better nights, but overall I still struggle to fall asleep, wake repeatedly and spend much of the night feeling almost awake. I haven’t really had a genuinely restorative night during these weeks. I am exhausted.

I kept hoping: another week and this will pass. But now I am entering week four and I don’t know what to expect.

I know I keep asking the same question, but I still struggle enormously to understand how, 20 months completely off medication and after substantial improvement, I could suddenly experience the longest and most severe setback I have had.

Does the fact that I had this very clear 1.5-day improvement/window and then symptoms returned again fit what you experienced in a wave?

And have any of you had a late wave lasting 4+ weeks, with brief clear windows appearing before the wave finally settled?

@HopeOfHealing I’ve been reading your last couple post and I can’t get over how very similar our symptoms are. I just finished a 28 day wave where there was only one single night that I slept well, and a few daytime hours of feeling like myself. I kept looking on Google and SA to see if anyone had a wave as long as I did but I only found days to a few weeks. I’d also like to mention that this wave was preceded by 6 weeks of almost normal sleep and me feeling like myself. I thought the next wave wouldn’t be as bad and it would just improve from there. Boy, was I wrong. Non-linear healing just makes no sense to me.

Most nights during the wave, I slept 3 hours or less, with many days of 30 min- 1 hour of sleep. I would turn off the light at 11 and still be awake past 3am, then I might fall asleep for an hour, then I was up again or in some weird twilight state. All this while feeling like I could physically sleep for 12 hours straight. Nothing was going through my mind, but my body felt chemically wired and anytime I would drift off, I’d get an adrenaline surge, body jerk, or my heart would start pounding. Then on day 30, poof, my body felt more relaxed and I went to bed and slept 6 hours straight, for two nights in a row. It felt like a miracle, but then I got a cold and a migraine so I’m back to super fragmented sleep. It sucks, but after a month of that, I was grateful for the hours I did get. All that to say, YES, waves can last SUPER LONG!

As for the despair and horrible thoughts, I’ve got that too! You’re not alone. If someone were to ask my greatest trials of WD, I’d say it was insomnia and inner anguish. I had my strongest bout of it yesterday and I spent all day feeling like I wouldn’t survive this, especially so after stumbling horror story in SA. I had horrible thoughts and felt like I was a caged animal the rest of the day and wondered how God could redeem any part of my story. I can’t explain it but to say that sometimes I feel like I’m standing outside of my body, knowing “this isn’t me.”

Last night, my 17 month old woke up and while normally my husband cares for him, I got up and went. I sat with him, snuggled him and thought, “No one is going to take care of him like I would. I have to make it.” My three kids need ME, not a substitute. I thought of all the things I would miss: sports events, first dates, weddings, laughs, giggles, fun times. This morning, I journaled about how I felt and acknowledged that “Me” is inside of me, and she’s struggling to get out for now but she will break through eventually.

What you’re experiencing? AWFUL but NORMAL.

You Will Break Out!

2 hours ago, HopeOfHealing said:

I know I keep asking the same question, but I still struggle enormously to understand how, 20 months completely off medication and after substantial improvement, I could suddenly experience the longest and most severe setback I have had.

Does the fact that I had this very clear 1.5-day improvement/window and then symptoms returned again fit what you experienced in a wave?

I believe that asking questions is part of a waves. It's ok to continue asking since the journey is painful and many of us needs reassurance again, again, and again...

Thank you @Raymond and @Sara for sharing! I highly appreciate this! ❤️ 🙏

Hi, everyone!

Last night was the best sleep I’ve had in these 3.5 weeks. Not perfect, but I spent a large part of the night genuinely asleep and at times it felt very deep. I still woke feeling hungover/groggy, but this feels like an important improvement.

Today I managed an easy 6 km run, although my exercise tolerance is still very poor and my HR rises abnormally. I won’t push further for now — I suspect the intervals I tried last week may have made things worse.

I also cooked and completed a computer task that I haven’t been able to even start since this wave began. My appetite is back, food actually tastes good again, and during the morning there were small moments of genuine positive feelings.

But this afternoon things shifted again. Everything started feeling darker, the positive feelings disappeared and that strange sense of fear/threat returned.

I also get intrusive, irrationally fearful thoughts. For example, I pass someone and suddenly think they will notice something is wrong with me. Or my running coach reads my message but doesn’t reply, and although rationally I know there could be 100 reasons, my mind immediately creates this feeling that something is wrong or I said something wrong.

Even gaining some weight suddenly feels frightening and out of control, although rationally I know why it is happening — much less training, irregular eating — and that I can deal with it when I stabilise.

What is so strange is the dramatic fluctuation. This morning these thoughts were barely there. I could eat, work, run and experience some pleasure. Hours later my perception and thoughts feel completely different again.

The better moments feel very significant, but when the drop comes, the thoughts and sensations become so intense that it feels as though I cannot control my own mind.

Have you experienced this kind of dramatic within-day fluctuation during a wave — including irrational fear attaching itself to completely ordinary situations? Did it gradually settle as the wave passed?

Edited September 9Sep 9 by HopeOfHealing