So much for what I thought was a window finally. I felt well yesterday thinking I’d finally smoothed out. Woke up in the night and finally this morning feeling awful.  I’m literally sick & in pain this morning. Starting to think I’d prefer to not wake up anymore. This is no way to live. 

52 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

So much for what I thought was a window finally. I felt well yesterday thinking I’d finally smoothed out. Woke up in the night and finally this morning feeling awful.  I’m literally sick & in pain this morning. Starting to think I’d prefer to not wake up anymore. This is no way to live. 

Sorry Pokey. Hell of a ride this. Today’s gone south for me too. Every day is a day closer to stable mate even with the bumps in the road. 

I saw Horowitz yesterday again. He thought I was doing everything right, that I was doing the best I could do. 
But I don’t know how to have a life. I can’t predict from one day to the next how I’m going to be. I want to travel doon to see my family. I’m sick n tired of being home alone. It’s eating me up but I never know if I’ll feel ok or awful the next day. My psychologist says to be proactive, decide what I want to do and make efforts the best I can to do it. Easier said than done. I just cant understand how I could feel so much better yesterday and through nothing I can identify as a cause for feeling so shitty today. 

23 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

I saw Horowitz yesterday again. He thought I was doing everything right, that I was doing the best I could do. 
But I don’t know how to have a life. I can’t predict from one day to the next how I’m going to be. I want to travel doon to see my family. I’m sick n tired of being home alone. It’s eating me up but I never know if I’ll feel ok or awful the next day. My psychologist says to be proactive, decide what I want to do and make efforts the best I can to do it. Easier said than done. I just cant understand how I could feel so much better yesterday and through nothing I can identify as a cause for feeling so shitty today. 

It’s good you spoke to Dr H. Glad he agrees with your approach. 
 

It is hard mate. 
 

For me it has been about crafting a life inside of what I can do. And then accepting what I can’t. Taking each day, one day at a time. Not thinking of my past self or the hopefully future self. Just dealing with the reality of the day. Like a bubble. 
 

The up and down nature of all this is hard. We have to accept it and all of it. Resisting makes the suffering worse and achieves nothing. It’s a daily lesson I relearn. 
 

Better days to come mate. 

@Chippy today is going to be a quiet, alone, hot tea,  take it easy day for sure.  I have no energy or feel like doing anything.

Oh Pokey, I hear the sadness and frustration in your post. Let's weep for our lost functioning together. I will sit with you today.

44 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

@Chippy today is going to be a quiet, alone, hot tea,  take it easy day for sure.  I have no energy or feel like doing anything.

Sounds about perfect to me. 

@Pokey449 and @Sminismoni, we are in the same boat, Hell on Earth. But we will stay strong and continue to hope for improvement.

@Chippy@Sminismoni @skamen thanks for the words of encouragement. I thought I was on my way to some relief for a while yesterday. I slept really well Wednesday night and awoke rested yesterday a.m. But then last night was the exact opposite and I feel rotten today. Ive been at the same dose now for 43 days and this is after a 0.5mg up dose recommended by Horowitz, but still having lots of trouble. Its hard to plan/live a life when you don't know from one day to the next if you're going to feel OK or awful the next day. My therapist says I just need to plan as a normal person would and then "do it"   I tell him that's easy for him to say, he's not feeling the fatigue, nausea, headaches, etc etc.

20 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

My therapist says I just need to plan as a normal person would and then "do it" 

I’m not sure his logic here. I think he is working on the basis this isn’t withdrawal and somehow you can think yourself out of this. The lack of understanding is beyond frustrating. 

Yeh I don’t know @Chippy  He says he  is not denying that I'm not feeling well. He believes I’m having a hard time but I’m somehow supposed to rise above it and not let it & anxiety about it control my life.

I agree with that in principle but hard to live it. 

Just now, Pokey449 said:

Yeh I don’t know @Chippy  He says he  is not denying that I'm not feeling well. He believes I’m having a hard time but I’m somehow supposed to rise above it and not let it & anxiety about it control my life.

I agree with that in principle but hard to live it. 

Yeah it’s just working within what you can manage that’s all. If you can’t you can’t. What feeds the anxiety is the lack of acceptance. He’s suggesting you don’t accept. It doesn’t make sense. Change what you can, accept the rest. Otherwise your mind will be constantly fighting a loosing battle. 

@Chippy I think I know what you’re going to tell me but I still want to ask.  I’ve been at a dose of between 30, 29 & then 29.6mg(currently) of doxepin 141 days now. Nearly 5 months. Shouldn’t I be good and stable by now?  I continue to worry I’m having some sort of an ADR to one or both drugs and yes I worry, that this is going to end up killing me 😩 

Just now, Pokey449 said:

@Chippy I think I know what you’re going to tell me but I still want to ask.  I’ve been at a dose of between 30, 29 & then 29.6mg(currently) of doxepin 141 days now. Nearly 5 months. Shouldn’t I be good and stable by now?  I continue to worry I’m having some sort of an ADR to one or both drugs and yes I worry, that this is going to end up killing me 😩 

Hey Pokey. 
 

I think you guessed right. In the last 45 days you’ve moved your split dose and taken a dose of Mirtazapine early. 

 

It can take a good while of no interruptions just pure hold to get stable. Many months of patience unfortunately. I wish it was different mate. 
 

You are showing signs of things settling down. Just so up and down the process. Windows and waves. 

6 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

been at a dose of between 30, 29 & then 29.6mg(currently) of doxepin 141 days now. Nearly 5 months. Shouldn’t I be good and stable by now

I can answer that...I just held for 6 months. During that time, I had waves and windows. I have been on this drug 25 years and am 65 yr old. I suspect that has a lot to do with my ability to bounce back.

I know two members that took over 3 years to reach stability after setbacks...one took antibiotics (Soup on SA) and one bridged prozac for paxil. (Erell on SA)

So the fact you had a nice window shows your body is working hard.

As far as the therapist goes- there is a huge difference between anxiety and WD induced anxiety. We need to make an environment for healing. I plan my days with that in mind....walking to the ocean, reading, cooking, doing things that are enjoyable but keep me relaxed. 

❤️🙏

 

Thanks @LostinCanada & @Chippy LIC I envy you being able to walk to the ocean each day.   I use to live in Oregon and i loved the coast there. I try to take walks, go to the health club and meditate to ease the stress of it all. Yes I don’t think my therapist understands the difference between garden variety anxiety and that caused by WD. A whole different animal. What gets me the most is the fatigue, the sheer exhaustion of it all just wears me down to a ghost of myself. Chippy I hope u are correct in that you see signs of me settling down. 
I do appreciate you both taking time out of your day yo respond to me and offer me some advice & hope. Thanks gents. 

2 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

Chippy I hope u are correct in that you see signs of me settling down. 
I do appreciate you both taking time out of your day yo respond to me and offer me some advice & hope.

Pleasure Pokey. Lady and Gent 😊

18 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

Thanks gents. 

Definitely a woman here lol.

18 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

use to live in Oregon and i loved the coast there

I love the Oregon coast...Seaside, Newport, Cannon Beach. 

I would love to take a road trip again...maybe one day. Our world does become quite small but honestly we are all amazing. And the fact we come together for each other is the greatest blessing in this whole mess. You've got this. 🙏🙏🙏💪💪💪❤️❤️❤️

I am so sorry that your window was so short,  @Pokey449. But you had one and you can take it as a promise for more to come.
I agree with chippy, we need acceptance not pretending to feel good to let our psyche and body learn that everything is okay. We are not okay, we are injured. This we have to accept and find inner peace right where we are now, accepting our limitations.

you will get better!

Thank you @Nemina 🙏🙏🙏

Oh @Pokey449, I'm sorry that window didn't last. It was undeniably there though, which is hopeful. I too was on the couch today with fatigue but did manage to get to church for the Good Friday service. Yes, the fatigue really puts a crimp in the lifestyle. Perhaps it's our body working hard on recovery.

Regardless, God bless you on your journey and bring you complete healing, comfort and guidance. And I will also sit and have a cup of tea with you. No need for words, just understanding company. ❣️

As a side note @Pokey449 if you click on someone’s picture/avatar and go to their profile you can see, where they come from, age and gender. Helps loads as often usernames don’t give us much clue do they. 
 

@LostinCanada is right. We have each other. I’m grateful for all you guys. Keeps me sane whilst in the midst of all this. You are all incredible and I’m proud to know you all.  Everyone is so strong yet so compassionate. It’s like all the good ones fell through the sieve and ended up in here somehow. 

@gardengirl2 thank you for your kind words & support. I note you are an Iowa girl. I’m south of you in Missouri. My psychologist keeps telling me I shouldn’t keep visiting this site as it’s what he calls “checking” behavior which he claims feeds my anxiety about all the misery I’m experiencing from these horrible drugs. I told him I didn’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you all to talk to. He doesn’t seem to understand how miserable & lonely this path is. I’m currently living alone and even with coming here daily it’s still an incredibly lonely journey.  Thanks to all of you who listen and care and help with your encouragement & kind reassurance. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

24 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

My psychologist keeps telling me I shouldn’t keep visiting this site as it’s what he calls “checking” behavior which he claims feeds my anxiety about all the misery I’m experiencing from these horrible drugs.

There is always a chance if you have health anxiety, that can you can overly focus on your symptoms for sure. But I don’t think that is something we promote here on the site. If anything it’s the opposite to this. 
 

He clearly doesn’t understand wd symptoms. I’ve never had any health anxiety or ocd tendencies and I can assure him, I’m not checking anything, it’s all happening just the same! 🤣 

 

26 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

I told him I didn’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you all to talk to. He doesn’t seem to understand how miserable & lonely this path is

Same. And they never do. 
 

27 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

Thanks to all of you who listen and care and help with your encouragement & kind reassurance. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

It’s pleasure mate. Wish there were quick fixes. But at least we are all here supporting each other. 
 

Sorry you feel lonely. I don’t mind my own company but I must admit if I didn’t have time with my wife and son each day, I might feel a bit different. It’s nice to have some company for sure. Glad we can do something to help even though I’m sure it isn’t enough, hopefully it helps some. 

22 minutes ago, Pokey449 said:

My psychologist keeps telling me I shouldn’t keep visiting this site as it’s what he calls “checking” behavior which he claims feeds my anxiety about all the misery I’m experiencing from these horrible drugs.

My goodness Pokey, I've read a couple of things you've written about your psychologist in recent days and it is clear to me that they are reading from the Anxiety Management 101 textbook and have no concept of WD and that this isn't just "normal" emotional distress.  We are trained to believe what the "experts" tell us and doubt our own perception, but this is how most of us got into this mess in the first place. Don't doubt your responses to your suffering and the choices you make (or can't make, such as being unable to commit to activities). I am troubled by the implicit message your psychologist is sending, that you are somehow approaching your suffering wrong. You are not failing at this, you are bloody well wielding Excalibur at this stage with how hard you are fighting and you are winning just by breathing and staying alive yet another day. And you cannot be expected to do that alone. Sending hugs.