Thank you @Tracey ❤️

I wish some more windows are in my future.

I hope you are finally doing a little better after the recent dose changes. 🙏🏻❤️

17 hours ago, Marina said:

Thank you @SarahMc and @Fullhealing ❤️

And again, thank you @Chippy and @Luke ❤️

Your comments and encouragement mean more than you know. Yesterday I was so low, but already today after reading what you all said I feel a small nudge towards hope. Thank you. ❤️

Good.

Even on the difficult days, try to keep in mind that even if you don't "handle them well", the day still passes and you're still a day further forward, towards recovery.

Thanks @Luke Today is one of those days - just can't wait for it to end.

Just now, Marina said:

Thanks @Luke Today is one of those days - just can't wait for it to end.

Sorry to read Marina. Yesterday was like this for me. I just worked through my routine and typical distractions and before I knew it it was over. Better days coming. Remember that window!!!

Thank you @Chippy Some days even distractions don't work. Sorry to hear about your struggle as well. 😞

1 minute ago, Marina said:

Thank you @Chippy Some days even distractions don't work. Sorry to hear about your struggle as well. 😞

Sorry to hear this Marina. Acceptance and time. Sending you love and hope for a better day tomorrow xxxx

Thank you @Chippy Same to you! ❤️

I decided to postpone my jump off for a few days in hope this wave is going to let up a bit. It is very intense and I don't want to risk feeling even a tiny bit worse.

Also, I didn't mention in my update - but all these months were additionally stressful because they are renovating our building. It's taking them so long, they did lots of damage especially to our apartment. The roof was leaking multiple times (we are directly under the roof), the windows and interior walls are a mess, scafolding is in front of our windows, it is noisy and we have no privacy. And it's constantly like this. And our apartment is just one room (plus a small kitchen and bathroom) and I really don't have anywhere to hide or have a moment of peace. Currently, they are supposed to finish the work so they put nylon over our windows and disconnected our AC. It's already very hot and stuffy here. I feel even more sick and stressed now.

I feel like my body and mind are constantly even more stressed on top of WD because of all this work and mess on our building/apartment. I can't take it anymore.

Oof, wish me luck. I hope I survive this week (or upcoming weeks).

7 minutes ago, Marina said:

I decided to postpone my jump off for a few days in hope this wave is going to let up a bit. It is very intense and I don't want to risk feeling even a tiny bit worse.

Also, I didn't mention in my update - but all these months were additionally stressful because they are renovating our building. It's taking them so long, they did lots of damage especially to our apartment. The roof was leaking multiple times (we are directly under the roof), the windows and interior walls are a mess, scafolding is in front of our windows, it is noisy and we have no privacy. And it's constantly like this. And our apartment is just one room (plus a small kitchen and bathroom) and I really don't have anywhere to hide or have a moment of peace. Currently, they are supposed to finish the work so they put nylon over our windows and disconnected our AC. It's already very hot and stuffy here. I feel even more sick and stressed now.

I feel like my body and mind are constantly even more stressed on top of WD because of all this work and mess on our building/apartment. I can't take it anymore.

Oof, wish me luck. I hope I survive this week (or upcoming weeks).

Think this is a good move @Marina

Im sorry to hear about the work to your building, that must be very hard for you atm. I do like my privacy and I am very lucky where I live, it helps a lot.

Sending lots of love and I hope that the works are finished very soon.

Thank you @Chippy It is all so very stressful and I just want to have a moment of peace and safety for once. And live normally in my apartment...

6 minutes ago, Marina said:

Thank you @Chippy It is all so very stressful and I just want to have a moment of peace and safety for once. And live normally in my apartment...

I wish this for you very soon!

2 hours ago, Marina said:

It is all so very stressful and I just want to have a moment of peace and safety for once. And live normally in my apartment...

That sounds really awful Marina, I’m sorry. I know when you’re in a wave you just want to curl up and try to rest without having to deal with constant disruptions and extra stressors. I hope they finish the work soon and you can find some peace and quiet.

@SarahMc Thank you! 🥺❤️ Me too. But it's so never-ending. Feels like a war zone (and I survived a war during my childhood!).

It feels like God is making a little (bad taste) joke with all the construction work during all these months of my WD (and the inner "construction work" happening in my mind and my body). Most of the time it feels like my mental state is reflected in the building/our apartment and vice versa. It is equally slow, stressful, things are supposed to be made new and better but in the process there is also damage and constant fixing-up.

I am almost laughing at this "synchronicity"! 🙈

26 minutes ago, Marina said:

@SarahMc Thank you! 🥺❤️ Me too. But it's so never-ending. Feels like a war zone (and I survived a war during my childhood!).

It feels like God is making a little (bad taste) joke with all the construction work during all these months of my WD (and the inner "construction work" happening in my mind and my body). Most of the time it feels like my mental state is reflected in the building/our apartment and vice versa. It is equally slow, stressful, things are supposed to be made new and better but in the process there is also damage and constant fixing-up.

I am almost laughing at this "synchronicity"! 🙈

@Marina I know this process of works in your home is upsetting, if it helps, I will say that as an ex builder/carpenter I can say that things often need to 'look' worse before they get better, like a wave, but underneath the prep work is being done. It is amazing that once the 'structural' work and general behind the scenes work is complete, the project can and will likely suddenly take a jump forward. I know it is hard to imagine now, but I thought perhaps me saying this would ease any concerns that might be playing on your mind about it ever being completed! In the UK builders are renowned for taking longer than they say! Not me! :) but alot! xxx

34 minutes ago, Marina said:

It feels like God is making a little (bad taste) joke with all the construction work during all these months of my WD (and the inner "construction work" happening in my mind and my body). Most of the time it feels like my mental state is reflected in the building/our apartment and vice versa. It is equally slow, stressful, things are supposed to be made new and better but in the process there is also damage and constant fixing-up.

I am almost laughing at this "synchronicity"! 🙈

Ha, what an accurate (but unfortunate) metaphor! I know you’re still in a lot of pain, but I’m glad you’re able to see the funny side of all this. I hope that one day when you’ve recovered you can look back and have a nice long laugh at how absurd life can be sometimes 😅💜

Thanks @Chippy 😄

I keep waiting for that jump forward (both in the construction work and my healling!). But yes, it feels like it will never be finished. They are so slow and they only appear for a few days with barely any work done. About 3 weeks ago one worker told me everything is 90% done. I think they could have finished a long time ago, if they only appeared on the site regularly! Bah!

1 minute ago, Marina said:

Thanks @Chippy 😄

I keep waiting for that jump forward (both in the construction work and my healling!). But yes, it feels like it will never be finished. They are so slow and they only appear for a few days with barely any work done. About 3 weeks ago one worker told me everything is 90% done. I think they could have finished a long time ago, if they only appeared on the site regularly! Bah!

So frustrating I am sorry! Hopefully that ‘10%’ gets done soon! Honestly builders sometimes! I’m sure it’s going to great once it’s done!

3 hours ago, Marina said:

I decided to postpone my jump off for a few days in hope this wave is going to let up a bit. It is very intense and I don't want to risk feeling even a tiny bit worse.

Also, I didn't mention in my update - but all these months were additionally stressful because they are renovating our building. It's taking them so long, they did lots of damage especially to our apartment. The roof was leaking multiple times (we are directly under the roof), the windows and interior walls are a mess, scafolding is in front of our windows, it is noisy and we have no privacy. And it's constantly like this. And our apartment is just one room (plus a small kitchen and bathroom) and I really don't have anywhere to hide or have a moment of peace. Currently, they are supposed to finish the work so they put nylon over our windows and disconnected our AC. It's already very hot and stuffy here. I feel even more sick and stressed now.

I feel like my body and mind are constantly even more stressed on top of WD because of all this work and mess on our building/apartment. I can't take it anymore.

Oof, wish me luck. I hope I survive this week (or upcoming weeks).

war zone, excellent term but we are strong brave warriors @Marina

The pressure around you is certainly adding fuel to the fire but you will get through and survive it for sure much more than weeks! You are stronger than that.

Hopefully the stressful construction work will end soon and you will have a little more peace xxx

And God's humor, I don't get it still.

Edited May 25May 25 by Fullhealing

@SarahMc I do laugh about it every now and then, surprisingly! I am glad I still have my sense of humor some days. I hope I don't lose it with time!

@Chippy From your lips to God's ears!

@Fullhealing I really really hope so... I need a break from being "strong" all of the time.

And God's humor... It really is a specific brand...

7 minutes ago, Marina said:

@SarahMc I do laugh about it every now and then, surprisingly! I am glad I still have my sense of humor some days. I hope I don't lose it with time!

@Chippy From your lips to God's ears!

@Fullhealing I really really hope so... I need a break from being "strong" all of the time.

And God's humor... It really is a specific brand...

When God laughs cruelly, we laugh harder..

I love your humor @Marina it's a part of you that won't be lost, don't worry.

@Fullhealing When I am at my worst I feel like everything that made me me is completely gone and these are just remnants that will go eventually too. I guess that's "just" depersonalization working its magic...

10 minutes ago, Marina said:

@Fullhealing When I am at my worst I feel like everything that made me me is completely gone and these are just remnants that will go eventually too. I guess that's "just" depersonalization working its magic...

You will heal out and gain yourself back, it may be scary but it's important to stay unattached from everything, that way withdrawal can't cause you to suffer that much by taking things away from you, cause you are not attached to them.

Meditations can teach us to become more mindful, I have a topic on it, it's not hard to meditate, just takes the effort to close your eyes and focus on breathing for a bit.

much love ♥️

13 minutes ago, Marina said:

@Fullhealing When I am at my worst I feel like everything that made me me is completely gone and these are just remnants that will go eventually too. I guess that's "just" depersonalization working its magic...

You're still very much there, not going anywhere, just temporarily covered 🩷

Edited May 25May 25 by Fullhealing

@Lighty Sadly, I am not on that level of zen. I have experience with meditation, yoga, spirituality, philosophy, psychology... And in my "normal state" I was able to apply some of these things and live my life according to those principles. But WD really dropped an atomic bomb in my mind and I can't apply any of that. In all these months I only had a few moments of non-attachment and it happened spontaneously.

I believe there is a time for meditation in WD but I don't think I'm at that point yet. I'm still just surviving most of the time. I don't have the necessary receptors (or whichever part of my brain) for that yet. ☹️

I feel all important parts of being a human are taken away from me. Of being an artist, also...

And I know we have a value in spite of that, but I can't accept not being a part of this world, this reality... I am not a monk. So, that takes me to my looping thoughts and strange ideas of leaving my life, moving to a convent and becoming a nun. If I'm going to practice non-attachment, I should do it for real. ☹️

2 minutes ago, Marina said:

@Lighty Sadly, I am not on that level of zen. I have experience with meditation, yoga, spirituality, philosophy, psychology... And in my "normal state" I was able to apply some of these things and live my life according to those principles. But WD really dropped an atomic bomb in my mind and I can't apply any of that. In all these months I only had a few moments of non-attachment and it happened spontaneously.

I believe there is a time for meditation in WD but I don't think I'm at that point yet. I'm still just surviving most of the time. I don't have the necessary receptors (or whichever part of my brain) for that yet. ☹️

I feel all important parts of being a human are taken away from me. Of being an artist, also...

And I know we have a value in spite of that, but I can't accept not being a part of this world, this reality... I am not a monk. So, that takes me to my looping thoughts and strange ideas of leaving my life, moving to a convent and becoming a nun. If I'm going to practice non-attachment, I should do it for real. ☹️

you can still not attach to the symptoms, yeah you will still deal with them and it's gonna be hard, but you have to realize it's just highs and lows, im still dealing with a lot of things and im sensitive to things. obviously i get the surviving, just try to not attach, I noticed with myself at some point i learned to not believe shit and fuel my body with my spirit even with all the bs.