@Sminismoni First of all I can understand you situation, because I have about 90% of your symthoms and that's why it's hard to imagine your returning to work. I mean, you can works somehow maybe but I can be hard for you and for your your patients too. Maybe someone can say that is could be good for you to work again but, wait you mentioned that it's hard to read... Sorry, but would you feel ok, if your rented a cab driver with symthoms like these?

Your power is your money and you are rich enough to run away in Australia and there cover your asss. You can rent people to help you to make these runaway steps.

I saw the community forum titled "Gems you have heard from the Professionals" and my brain told me you all hated doctors and I wasn't welcome here. So I avoid people and avoid posting.

You really don't need to take it this way and I believe nobody else is not thinking that you are not welcome. Perceive that topic like you perceive political satires. It doesn't mean we need to hate all of them, but it's fair that it is shown this way what they are doing wrong. After all this whole forum is one big criticism of psychiatry, right? But on the other hand i understand your bad feelings about everything. For you it's probably hard now to realize that you became rich and successful by prescribing these poisons, if I use your own terms. Am I right? Maybe one day when you will be healthy again you can do some compensation. As a psychiatrist, you can become some kind of ambassador who will be the voice of everyone who has been damaged by these - poisons.

Thank you for the update @Sminismoni I am so sorry it isn't a more postive one. I look forward to when this changes for you. You are very welcome here, so don't think this way, it isn't the case. Those who have been harmed from the medical community have my up most respect, they have seen through the curtain to the otherside and are well placed to help shift the dial on all this. Look at Mark H. Sending love and hope xxxx

@Sminismoni I can relate to a lot of your symptoms. Broadly speaking, the below, along with the very impaired cognition and inability to do pretty much anything that requires any kind of concentration or any sort of process with steps is roughly how I lived for an extremely long time:

15 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I spend at least 3 days a week bedbound with limbs so heavy and achy they feel like they have bricks in them (with other symptoms too). On non-bedbound days I still struggle to sit upright in a chair for longer than an hour, I lay on the sofa instead. An excellent day is being able to put the bins out and walk to get a take-away decaf coffee from the shop down the road.

I'm not totally "well" now, but I'm improving month by month, and I'm living proof that it can be this bad and get better. It's absolutely brutal, but the only way to do this is to survive until it does. I believe that if you do that, you will eventually recover as well. Sadly, as I sense you understand quite well, it can take years.

15 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

This negativity extends to comments I see here e.g. I saw the community forum titled "Gems you have heard from the Professionals" and my brain told me you all hated doctors and I wasn't welcome here. So I avoid people and avoid posting.

I realise that you recognise that these are just warped withdrawal thoughts, however I do want to point out that in fact the opposite is true:

Medical professionals who in many cases face considerable professional stigma and backlash for going against the narrative that these drugs are harmless are to be admired above pretty much everyone else.

Dear @Sminismoni , I just wanted to agree with what Luke has written about medical professionals. I believe you are in an incredibly unique position, and a position that is going to be able to advocate for patients and teach other doctors how to deprescibe safely.

You are going to be able to help your patients safely come off medications and use other tools to treat their depression or anxiety etc.

In time you will be well and will be well equipped to do a lot of good work in this area.

Stay strong. You've got this.

Wombat

Edited September 14Sep 14 by Wombat

@Sminismoni Daily reminder that I believe in you, once you are out of this WD/destabilization, you have the potential to do great things and support the cause and help many people, way more than the average psychiatrist !

Horrific day again symptom wise. Just posting in the hope that putting it down on paper gets it out of my head a bit. The darkest, most evil depression all day. Strong SI. It also felt very physical - like I was tightly holding this inside and needed to scream but couldn't get it out, and at times I was heavy and slow in my movements. My head and thoughts feel thick and dense. There is no relief here, no let up. No coping skills seem to help.

like I was tightly holding this inside and needed to scream but couldn't get it out,

Do you have a feeling like your emotions has been "hidden somewhere somehow in the background" and they can't be manifested?

11 minutes ago, The Dust said:

Do you have a feeling like your emotions has been "hidden somewhere somehow in the background" and they can't be manifested?

Yes. I have emotional anaesthesia 100% of the time

37 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

Yes. I have emotional anaesthesia 100% of the time

I'm sorry. But I (we) have learned that it's really not permanent according to people's reports that emotions come back during illness. It would be interesting to ask one immunologist or infectious disease doctor why this is so obvious. So, emotions, and everything else is still there, but something is hiding them all the time.

Your report regarding heavy legs and PSSD remind me of Emily Grey from PSSD network. She did mentioned that these two things came together as soon as she quit her SSRI in her case.

Now, I have heavy legs too, maybe more accurate is to say rigid, hard leg, although it didn't appear right after my halting Mirtazapine, but still came together with everything else. Some mysterious pathology must be behind everything.

I cannot, cannot do this anymore. I took a turn for the worse at 6 months off and at 10 months off sunk even further.

The neuroemotions I have are daily and all pervasive. The level of distortion is almosts psychotic. I can't reality test.

I have literally lost my mind and with it any sense of myself as a person. Without a sense of self there is no capacity to feel human about anything. I am tormented, literally tormented by my feelings and thoughts. Distraction isn't even possible. I am stuck in a psychological horror movie most days.

I have lost everything. My marriage,my children, my stable career, my nice house in Australia and now I live alone,not working, in a foreign country. I coped with much of this before WD. But now I have lost my physical health, my feelings, my imagination, and am tormented daily with psychotic level thoughts. There is no sense of a future - something that always kept me going in the past. I don't believe I can make it through this. I'm done.

28 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I cannot, cannot do this anymore. I took a turn for the worse at 6 months off and at 10 months off sunk even further.

we all have those days, I still believe in you, as long as you survive, you move forward.

29 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I have lost everything. My marriage,my children, my stable career, my nice house in Australia and now I live alone,not working, in a foreign country. I coped with much of this before WD. But now I have lost my physical health, my feelings, my imagination, and am tormented daily with psychotic level thoughts. There is no sense of a future - something that always kept me going in the past. I don't believe I can make it through this. I'm done.

Nothing in life is permanent, but here it's a temporary condition, you will improve and will get out of this ❣️

I wouldn't be surprised if you are getting worse due to seasonal change, i believe it will be better in half a year when the spring comes ❣️

@Sminismoni As someone who has spent decades inside this kind of darkness, although I can't name anything psychotic, I can say that, if I was you I would recalling by myself (yourself) who you were before to see the brighter side of everything and that there is still some chance to rebuild your old self, albeit only partially. As you probably have noticed by yourself you are somehow prisoner in your own imagination or (just) your our mind, right. If the things are like that, find out something bright inside this. Use it. I know, this is really not enough however you have some (abstract) motives to recall and it could be useful for you.

27 minutes ago, The Dust said:

As someone who has spent decades inside this kind of darkness,

This kind of darkness is not survivable for decades. This is not normal depression. I had that on-off lfrom the age of 17 until 48 and coped. What I am experiencing is life threatening. I am an incredibly strong person who has survived a lot but this thought torment is destroying me.

33 minutes ago, The Dust said:

who you were before to see the brighter side of everything

I can't recall who I was before this. All I can remember about life before WD was that it was painful and lonely and difficult, which is why I got assessed for ADHD and Autism and went on meds in the first place. Because I couldn't sleep, had criplling social anxiety, was forgetful, struggled with constant fatigue and executive dysfunction. Life was very, very stressful in the years leading up to this. That is the life I had for 48 years and it is waiting for me on the other side of this shitshow in goodness knows how many years time.

There is no ability to feel comfort, I can't taste food properly, no ability to enjoy a movie, a flower. The brighter side of life cannot be accessed, it is locked in a vault. My body is writhing internally. I literally want to die.

Hi @Sminismoni

I’d be delighted if you wanted to contribute to the topic about anecdotes from healthcare professionals.

To be completely honest, I thought of you when I created it, because you had shared with us that your patients would sometimes pressure you to prescribe medication. It works both ways.

I’m sure you’ve also heard some misguided or inaccurate things from your colleagues.

The title may be a little too specific, because everyone here has been a patient at some point; but in reality, it encompasses all the sad stories we could share...

As others have already said, you’re going to be able to accomplish great things professionally later on. You’ll be able to be intellectually honest with your patients, and that is priceless. You will reap the rewards of that, and you will be deeply appreciated and respected. And you won’t be affected by the few idiots who refuse to listen to a sensible message, because there will always be some.

I’m sharing this success story that I recently came across : .https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/32115-donedanny-rough-few-years-but-im-me-again-sertraline-adverse-reaction-recovery/

This person was in absolute despair, just like all of us. Even after one year off the medication, he still wasn’t doing well at all. But he recovered.

What I love about his message of recovery is that he says: “Don’t forget who you are throughout this process. Because you are still yourself.”

I know it may seem impossible to believe, but it’s true.

As you gradually recover, you’ll remember who you were in the past, and you’ll start seeing all your past achievements and everything you’ve always been capable of doing more clearly, rather than seeing only the bad things.

It will get better. 🤞

Thank you for being here with us, because we all learn from your experience. I’m personally very moved to see that there are still doctors who genuinely care about their patients. It’s beautiful to see. We all would have wanted that.

3 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I cannot, cannot do this anymore. I took a turn for the worse at 6 months off and at 10 months off sunk even further.

The neuroemotions I have are daily and all pervasive. The level of distortion is almosts psychotic. I can't reality test.

I have literally lost my mind and with it any sense of myself as a person. Without a sense of self there is no capacity to feel human about anything. I am tormented, literally tormented by my feelings and thoughts. Distraction isn't even possible. I am stuck in a psychological horror movie most days.

I have lost everything. My marriage,my children, my stable career, my nice house in Australia and now I live alone,not working, in a foreign country. I coped with much of this before WD. But now I have lost my physical health, my feelings, my imagination, and am tormented daily with psychotic level thoughts. There is no sense of a future - something that always kept me going in the past. I don't believe I can make it through this. I'm done.

I'm so sorry for your suffering @Sminismoni. I know how hard it can be to hold onto the belief that there is light at the end of this tunnel. But so many folks have gone through the tunnel and found the light, and I truly believe that you will not be the exception. You can make it through this. All you have to do is keep yourself alive and healing will happen. We are all here for you always.

@Sminismoni After all, despite everything painful you described, you can still see the things in your posts to recall something about yourself and your surviving in the past! You are able to mention many things you had and achieve in the past! You past is not an "empty shell full of weakness."

1 hour ago, Sminismoni said:

I can't recall who I was before this. All I can remember about life before WD was that it was painful and lonely and difficult, which is why I got assessed for ADHD and Autism and went on meds in the first place. Because I couldn't sleep, had criplling social anxiety, was forgetful, struggled with constant fatigue and executive dysfunction. Life was very, very stressful in the years leading up to this. That is the life I had for 48 years and it is waiting for me on the other side of this shitshow in goodness knows how many years time.

because you have focused on the bad, use this opportunity to learn what you truly want to do in life, and focus on the good things after it's over, there is so much good in life, but it's easy to overfocus on the bad, after all, the human brain has evolved to survive and look for any sign of danger, and it takes extra steps to become happy and grateful, either you turn into a diamond from the pressure or you get crushed, I know myself what I have chosen.

Dear @Sminismoni, if this can comfort you, I am in the same Hell like you, I relate very much to this inhumane suffering, there are no words to describe such a terror and agony.

4 minutes ago, skamen said:

terror and agony

Yes @skamen that is what it is. I am glad I am not alone. Being told to stay positive, remember my old self or choose my attitude can feel like telling a person on fire to think their way through it by imagining a block of ice. It simply isn't possible as my brain is locked in one mode when I am in this zone. I have some small relief this evening, I able to think more rationally right now. It has been a frightening couple of days. Hope I can manage a shower soon as I've been bedbound all weekend.

@Sminismoni I won't say that you (we) can choose our way of thinking and then we will feel better. I know this is a common response, but if there is the pain and there is no strength, that's it and it's hard to anything. We can't choose our attitude, if our bodies are sick.

I will just say that is a little bit easier if you recall that one you had better moments in your life, even though it won't solve anything by it. It's something else.

28 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I able to think more rationally right now.

I recognize exactly what you’re describing. Yesterday, during an intense wave that kept me in bed all day, I tried to calm myself down. I told myself that I’ve faced tougher challenges before, and that this is how others know me—and, more importantly, how I know myself. I wouldn't say it fixed everything, but perhaps it provided a bit of a distraction and helped me calm down. You clearly seem to be a psychiatrist who truly cares about her work. Judging by your messages, you strike me as a very wise woman. That wisdom hasn't disappeared; I refuse to believe that—even though I have to tell myself the same thing ten times over whenever I'm in a wave. I, too, worry every day that I’m the exception to the rule and that things won't work out for me because of my mental health issues. But hope and belief keep us going, and on the slightly better days, I try to hold onto that. I’m certain that, deep down, you feel this too. I wish you nothing but love, I know how hard this is —because that is what you need.

@Saar8srl thank you very much for this message.

4 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

@ thank you very much for this message

You Welkom my dear . In the Netherlands we say; You get back what you put out.❤️

5 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Yes @skamen that is what it is. I am glad I am not alone. Being told to stay positive, remember my old self or choose my attitude can feel like telling a person on fire to think their way through it by imagining a block of ice. It simply isn't possible as my brain is locked in one mode when I am in this zone. I have some small relief this evening, I able to think more rationally right now. It has been a frightening couple of days. Hope I can manage a shower soon as I've been bedbound all weekend.

Thinking of you 💗

I’m hoping with you that a shower works out and brings an island of comfort.

Lots of love @Sminismoni xxxxx