Dear @Sminismoni, I feel you very well. Our suffering is endless, but we will hope that a great days will come.

Dear @Sminismoni,

 

I am so sorry to read this. Know you are absolutely not alone in this experience. I can relate to so many things you wrote. If it’s possible, try to be a bit more kind and compassionate towards yourself. You are doing everything you can to make it day by day. Holding a job is hard in this state, especially the job of psychiatrist for all obvious reasons. You are doing amazing. 
 

Its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, but there is light. Day by day baby steps, take care ❤️‍🩹

Sp sorry to hear you’re struggling at present @Sminismoni. I found the burning parasthesia particularly difficult to deal with. It was in my left breast and would spread across my chest and up my neck (I would think it was a heart attack). It seemed to diminish when I slowed the taper rate. I can understand why you get triggered in your work situation too. One’s perspective changes when you’re going through WD. Take care🤗

2 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I have been in a bad way everyone. The past 10 days or so I have struggled to stay safe and at one point called the crisis team (useless).  The depression and SI have been intense. The thoughts become thick and relentless. It is like a demon grips my brain and begins persecuting me with every story of past failure and future misery it can come up with. I become smothered by the thoughts and cannot separate out reality at all. Even telling myself "This is withdrawal" leads to devil brain saying "Yes it is,but if you recover, you will still have untreated ADHD and struggle to function, become overwhelmed, still have crippling social anxiety  be constantly tired and irritable like you were for the first 45 years of your life. So why are you bothering to wait this out?" 

Devil brain even stops me from reaching out and posting here, saying that you guys are all "normal" (i.e. neurotypical) and won't really understand or be helpful.

 

 

I'm so sorry to hear that that part is so loud and trying to convince you. Please remember that it is lying. Let those thoughts run in the background and try not to engage with them. This part of your brain loves to get your attention and for you to respond to it.

 

Also, I am pretty convinced that a significant amount of us here are neurodivergent as well.

 

2 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Working as a psychiatrist whilst in WD is akin to being a surgeon who  got the wrong leg amputated through negligence but has to continue performing leg amputations on others. My work is exacerbating and perpetuating the trauma of this whole situation.

 

This really has to be incredibly challenging. It is far from ideal to work in such a state, let alone being confronted with the "demands" of some of your patients, especially when it comes to benzodiazepines. Those meds are well-known to be risky and dangerous.

 

I hope you feel better soon and start experiencing more windows. Please do not give up. ❤️

I find you particularly honest with your patients, @Sminismoni

You are much more aware of the reality of treatments than most of your colleagues but your patients do not want to listen to you; of course that is frustrating. But you can’t do anything against people’s reaction. It’s their choice, they will learn from their mistakes one day. Regarding you, you are doing a remarkable job, while being sick yourself. It is rare enough to be emphasized.

For this accusing voice, as you mentioned, it is indeed that of the devil. The devil has multiple faces, including that of the accuser (diabolos: the one who accuses / divides). Exercise discernment in the face of these thoughts, categorically refuse to agree with this accusing voice. You need to take your mind off things instantly when you feel like it’s happening: leaving home can be a solution. Distract your attention. You will see that it will quickly lose its power. 

Courage, we are all with you.

Oh, you can also tell her outright shit, to that voice. Sometimes I was thinking 'shut up!', internally. Then I kept myself busy at something. It was radical. 😂

Tame her. Talk to this voice like she talks to you. You are the boss of your life.

Edited April 8Apr 8 by poulette38

@Sminismoni So sorry for the awful few days. Honestly you are incredible. Keeping working, and in the job you do, through all of this, nothing short of amazing. Thank you for trying to help those, even though they don’t always appreciate it, to keep their drug burden low, is really an act of kindness, one they may never fully appreciate….
 

Keep ignoring the wave brain, it is such a lier, you’ll recover from this awful experience. During that process I know you have, and will continue to grow and learn new skills, that will help you post recovery, to deal with whatever comes your way. 
 

Chippy x

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Even telling myself "This is withdrawal" leads to devil brain saying "Yes it is,but if you recover, you will still have untreated ADHD and struggle to function, become overwhelmed, still have crippling social anxiety  be constantly tired and irritable like you were for the first 45 years of your life. So why are you bothering to wait this out?" 

Devil brain even stops me from reaching out and posting here, saying that you guys are all "normal" (i.e. neurotypical) and won't really understand or be helpful.

 

I struggled a lot with thoughts of this nature. That even if I improved I would be "returning to a life where I needed the drugs initially" and things like that. All I can really say is that it's all improving.

 

You'll find that many here aren't neurotypical in various ways, and this was true of SA as well. Still, people overwhelmingly go on to recover and life good lives without these drugs.

 

  

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Working as a psychiatrist whilst in WD is akin to being a surgeon who  got the wrong leg amputated through negligence but has to continue performing leg amputations on others. My work is exacerbating and perpetuating the trauma of this whole situation.

 

I can only imagine. I struggle to talk about these drugs, hear anything about them on the news or anything really.

 

I believe that someone in your position who has experienced these harms has immense power to bring about positive change in the future. Mark Horowitz has done huge amounts to move things forwards after experiencing harm himself, and he is a trainee.

 

There are only a few psychiatrists who are publicly working on prescribed harms, every additional one would be so, so valuable.

 

That obviously comes later down the line, when you have improved, but please know that down the line you have such potential to make a positive difference.

 

 

All I can really say to add to any of this is that I unfortunately do have an intimate understanding of the scale of indescribable suffering these drugs can cause, and I know that you are suffering on a level that most people could not conceive of. I hope it improves soon.

@Sminismoni I hear and understand your frustration and despondency with what you are struggling with. What I find extremely frustrating is that modern psychiatry and even my primary care doctor have no clue or understanding of what  I/we are dealing with. It’s not something that can be measured with blood tests or an X-ray or ekg. So  they don’t think what we are dealing with really exists. “ It’s all in our heads”. My psychologist can’t seem to understand why I can’t get out and do some of the things I want to do. I tell him he should try feeling this bad and see what he feels like doing ??? I think his perspective would change. 
Just know all of us here believe you and appreciate the challenges you face. We all care and hope you get some relief. 
 

5 hours ago, Pokey449 said:

Just know all of us here believe you and appreciate the challenges you face. We all care and hope you get some relief.

Exactly!

 

you are a true hero, @Sminismoni, working during withdrawal in the field of psychiatry and standing up against the system that feeds people medicine instead of therapy or plain help. 

Another truth to hold onto: once you leave this tunnel on the other side, you will not be the person anymore, who entered it. Of course you will face challenges, but you will have built up so much strength and so many skills that everything will be very different for you. I strongly believe that. One builds muscles by lifting heavy weights not I just going through daily life. right now you are constantly lifting extremely heavy weights, your spirit /psyche is building muscles that you will then see, once they are not strained to their limit anymore.

You are strong and you will be even stronger and then your neurodivergent situation will then be very different to handle for you.

take heart, we are here, we cheer you on we have your back.
 

Sunday rant:

 

I developed Frozen shoulder in January 2025 and couldn't move my arm until I had surgery in October that year. 6 months on I still need physiotherapy.

 

Anyway, saw the physio this morning and she says "What exercise are you doing?" And I say "None. I can't. I am in protracted withdrawal and I literally can't" Cue blank looks and eye roll from the physio who presumes that because I've walked unaided into the consultation room I can do exercise.

 

How to explain the fact that 

a)my body feels sluggish, and my muscles are like jelly and heavy like lead 80% of the time and even a 10 minutes walk is a challenge. Sitting up in a chair 8 hours a day at work is difficult enough.

b) even when not feeling this way I have dizziness, blurry vision, depersonalisation etc. that make exercise impossible.

 

Sigh. Just like I nearly lost it the other day when a well meaning friend shared their journey with CFS/ME, saying "It took me 3 years to recover, but what got me out of it in the end was exercise. You need to start building yourself up again. I will come and pick you up and we can go for walks together!!" FFS 🤬

2 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Sunday rant:

 

I developed Frozen shoulder in January 2025 and couldn't move my arm until I had surgery in October that year. 6 months on I still need physiotherapy.

 

Anyway, saw the physio this morning and she says "What exercise are you doing?" And I say "None. I can't. I am in protracted withdrawal and I literally can't" Cue blank looks and eye roll from the physio who presumes that because I've walked unaided into the consultation room I can do exercise.

 

How to explain the fact that 

a)my body feels sluggish, and my muscles are like jelly and heavy like lead 80% of the time and even a 10 minutes walk is a challenge. Sitting up in a chair 8 hours a day at work is difficult enough.

b) even when not feeling this way I have dizziness, blurry vision, depersonalisation etc. that make exercise impossible.

 

Sigh. Just like I nearly lost it the other day when a well meaning friend shared their journey with CFS/ME, saying "It took me 3 years to recover, but what got me out of it in the end was exercise. You need to start building yourself up again. I will come and pick you up and we can go for walks together!!" FFS 🤬

@Sminismoni Yes, validating our symptoms seem futile in some instances. Over the years I have had appointments with health care professionals and I have tried to explain my withdrawal symptoms to them. I used to refer them to the Surviving Antidepressant website  in the hope they would take a look, whether they did I'll never know. I just spread the word when I can. Sorry you are going through this.😊

21 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

How to explain the fact that 

 

Honestly? It's usually not worth bothering to attempt it. A select few will be receptive to it, but with the majority who aren't, there's little to gain.

 

  

21 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Sigh. Just like I nearly lost it the other day when a well meaning friend shared their journey with CFS/ME, saying "It took me 3 years to recover, but what got me out of it in the end was exercise. You need to start building yourself up again. I will come and pick you up and we can go for walks together!!" FFS 🤬

 

That's not even how CFS/ME works if you're severe. Graded exercise therapy is now strongly cautioned against.

 

I have direct experience of a family member going through a many-year battle with it from being very severe at one point.

I am in the worst possible way. About 4 weeks ago, at 6 months off something shifted with my symptoms and things are now intolerable. They have become more "muddy" and pervasive rather than rapidly shifting like before. It has all been worsened by a healing buddy who ghosted me. Someone I really connected with. I supported them through a recent very severe wave but as soon as they were a bit better and I needed help they disappeared. I literally have no one.

My symptoms don't have words. Weird pulling, waving, crawling sensations inside. Prickly skin, a thousand pins sticking into me. Burning all over, including my genitals. Dense thoughts, confusion, paranoia ++. Depression and negativity while feeling blunted and robotic. I can't notice tastes, smells, textures. No interest, no capacity for joy. My muscles are like wobbly jelly, I can't sit up. I can't comfort myself because there is no "me" in my head, just a buzzy denseness that never lifts. Literally my brain won't let me say "this will pass, this is withdrawal" because of the density inside. The SI is so strong.

I can't describe this to anyone else and friends say "I"m happy to see you and support in any way I can" but I can't feel care at the moment. And when you know they don't get it, and can't even muster strength or cognition to speak, seeing them is impossible.

1 hour ago, Sminismoni said:

I am in the worst possible way. About 4 weeks ago, at 6 months off something shifted with my symptoms and things are now intolerable. They have become more "muddy" and pervasive rather than rapidly shifting like before. It has all been worsened by a healing buddy who ghosted me. Someone I really connected with. I supported them through a recent very severe wave but as soon as they were a bit better and I needed help they disappeared. I literally have no one.

My symptoms don't have words. Weird pulling, waving, crawling sensations inside. Prickly skin, a thousand pins sticking into me. Burning all over, including my genitals. Dense thoughts, confusion, paranoia ++. Depression and negativity while feeling blunted and robotic. I can't notice tastes, smells, textures. No interest, no capacity for joy. My muscles are like wobbly jelly, I can't sit up. I can't comfort myself because there is no "me" in my head, just a buzzy denseness that never lifts. Literally my brain won't let me say "this will pass, this is withdrawal" because of the density inside. The SI is so strong.

I can't describe this to anyone else and friends say "I"m happy to see you and support in any way I can" but I can't feel care at the moment. And when you know they don't get it, and can't even muster strength or cognition to speak, seeing them is impossible.

So sorry to read @Sminismoni especially about your healing buddy. I hope that was away from this site, I would like to think everyone here is more compassionate than this.

It is very common to feel a shift into a new phase of healing. Sometimes this shift can feel like going backwards, or worsening, but in reality, it is just a phase, which will be followed by another. Slowly these phases will be less intense.

Please hang in there. You know as well as I do, this will improve in time. Think what you would say to yourself?! Just gotta keep up the good work of surviving the day. You have got this!

You are not alone. We are all here with you. You can always message me when ever you want. xxx

@Sminismoni so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. You're right words cannot describe although you do a very good job despite. It's awful feeling so disconnected, I get it as I don't have many friends who've stayed the course with me. I'm sorry about your taper buddy. There's many people on here willing to listen and virtually offer support. Can I ask if you're now off all drugs or is it just the one you've ceased?

I think Chippy's offered sound advice. I hope it's offered an alternative perspective.

Take care and keep posting so we know how you're doing. 🤗🧡

56 minutes ago, Catbird said:

Can I ask if you're now off all drugs or is it just the one you've ceased?

@Catbird I'm off all drugs since 7 months. I only ever took one medication at a time. The last one was Atomoxetine which I had an ADR to but kept being told my symptoms were not known side effects, and were due to burnout or menopause (e.g. brain fog, night sweats). I finally rapid tapered over 4 weeks after 5 months on it because I felt horrific on it. I didn't know about the need to slow taper Atomoxetine - the official guidance is that it can be stopped cold turkey. I was offered reinstatement but I believe I developed a neurological injury from the drug the minute I went on it, and that being on it again for longer would cause more harm.

@Sminismoni so sorry to hear the hell you are going through. You’re correct that friends & family just don’t get how awful this WD stuff can be even. My experience is the majority of doctors don’t have a clue either. I’ll keep you in my nightly prayer tonight.

6 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

It has all been worsened by a healing buddy who ghosted me. Someone I really connected with. I supported them through a recent very severe wave but as soon as they were a bit better and I needed help they disappeared. I literally have no one.

Unfortunately, this does happen and it's something I experienced a fair bit, especially earlier on when I was talking to other people in a similar timeframe to me.

I've had better experiences speaking to other long-termers.

6 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

About 4 weeks ago, at 6 months off something shifted with my symptoms and things are now intolerable.

I know I did say this earlier, but a significant worsening in this sort of timeframe is not uncommon and I experienced it myself at 7months.

Just as you can go downhill seemingly out of nowhere, improvement is also possible. I don't know when the acute worsening will end, but chances are it will at some point.

Dear @Sminismoni , I am so sorry for this terrible situation you are in. I do not know what to say. You are not alone. Many people on this site feel for you. It is awful to be let down by a friend. My heart goes out to you.

Let’s hope and pray that this phase of your healing journey will be short. This journey is as nonlinear as can be, I know you know it.

however you feel now: in the end, you will get well.

Keeping you in my prayers @Sminismoni, I hope you turn a corner soon ❤️❤️‍🩹❤️❤️‍🩹

6 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

@Catbird I'm off all drugs since 7 months. I only ever took one medication at a time. The last one was Atomoxetine which I had an ADR to but kept being told my symptoms were not known side effects, and were due to burnout or menopause (e.g. brain fog, night sweats). I finally rapid tapered over 4 weeks after 5 months on it because I felt horrific on it. I didn't know about the need to slow taper Atomoxetine - the official guidance is that it can be stopped cold turkey. I was offered reinstatement but I believe I developed a neurological injury from the drug the minute I went on it, and that being on it again for longer would cause more harm.

Thinking of you 💗💗

Hang on!

Dear @Sminismoni , I am so sorry that you are going through a very rough patch... What I'm writing may not bring a sense of hope or relief but please know that we are rooting for you. We really are.

I wish you better days and lots of healing! ❤️

7 months off meds now and I have stopped work.

I am heavy, like being dragged down, every minute of the day. I have no feelings and complete apathy, anhedonia and amotivation. Can't even shower. Ordering food online. The fog in my brain is so immense. I can't self talk, do acceptance or self compassion because there is no "me" inside my head separate from this heavy, dark, denseness. I have derealisation and weird body sensations that I can't describe; they just feel evil. Sweating in big waves.

I think about life before medication and to be honest, it was awful. Untreated ADHD with crippling social anxiety and depression, constantly tired and overwhelmed. 3 years of therapy and behavioural strategies didn't help so I bit the bullet and tried meds. The few weeks that they worked were remarkable. Sertraline kept me going for 20 years before my diagnosis. Even when I recover, I know the life that is waiting for me. It isn't enjoyable, it's a struggle, I lived it for 40 + years. And meds of any kind won't be an option.

I am turning 50 this year. My grandmother committed suicide at the same age. She was severely depressed and became addicted to barbituates.

I can take 3 months sick leave before my visa sponsorship is at risk. No work = no visa to stay in the UK. I am desperately worried as I cannot physically or mentally even arrange a return to Australia- pack my stuff, sell my car, find a rental to live back there. I just bought a house here, I would need to ultimately put it on the market. All things I can't do.

Don't even know why I wrote this.

Hi @Sminismoni,

I am so sorry to read that you are suffering so much… :(

I honestly think that’s a good thing that you paused your work. Your body and brain can recover better without all the extra responsibilities that come from work.

I know how hard it is… but try to live day by day and not to catastophise the future. You can get an unexpected window and see things more clearly again.

About your comment of your unmedicated self, I share that fear a little bit. I lived my entire life unmedicated (and managed it very well), but when I got into burnout last year… I could not get out of it. I did not want to take meds, but I was very desperate. Until this day.. I don’t know what would have happened if I did not take them, because the blunting did gave me some space to reflect and get me out of my 24/7 ruminating circle. I often think the “other stuff” is now buried under my blunting and will come out as soon as the blanket lifts.

However, this whole experience has given me one big lesson. That’s that losing my emotions is even more traumatizing than having negative ones. I honestly feel like I hated my anxiety so much, I saw it as the enemy. Now I see so more clearly that anxiety is healthy. It shows you your insecurities and values. I’ve gotten some glimpses of my anxiety and sadness here and there, and I honestly welcome them now very much.

You are not the same person you were before. We humans evolve all the time. This is a very hard journey but I am 100% sure you can endure this and come out stronger than ever.

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother.. that’s really tragic 😔… Her path doesn’t have to be yours. I honestly found this video the other day. I really like him and his message.

Take care, there is also a place for you in this world ❤️❤️

Edited April 29Apr 29 by Sophia