6 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

7 months off meds now and I have stopped work.

I am heavy, like being dragged down, every minute of the day. I have no feelings and complete apathy, anhedonia and amotivation. Can't even shower. Ordering food online. The fog in my brain is so immense. I can't self talk, do acceptance or self compassion because there is no "me" inside my head separate from this heavy, dark, denseness. I have derealisation and weird body sensations that I can't describe; they just feel evil. Sweating in big waves.

I think about life before medication and to be honest, it was awful. Untreated ADHD with crippling social anxiety and depression, constantly tired and overwhelmed. 3 years of therapy and behavioural strategies didn't help so I bit the bullet and tried meds. The few weeks that they worked were remarkable. Sertraline kept me going for 20 years before my diagnosis. Even when I recover, I know the life that is waiting for me. It isn't enjoyable, it's a struggle, I lived it for 40 + years. And meds of any kind won't be an option.

I am turning 50 this year. My grandmother committed suicide at the same age. She was severely depressed and became addicted to barbituates.

I can take 3 months sick leave before my visa sponsorship is at risk. No work = no visa to stay in the UK. I am desperately worried as I cannot physically or mentally even arrange a return to Australia- pack my stuff, sell my car, find a rental to live back there. I just bought a house here, I would need to ultimately put it on the market. All things I can't do.

Don't even know why I wrote this.

Dear @Sminismoni I am so sorry to hear of your terrible suffering. I can understand that it is very difficult to find hope when life before meds was hard. Going back on this stuff is not an option, I think most of us here have that in common. I personally suffer from PTSD since childhood. In my 40s it got so bad that for a long time I wished only to die. Constant panic and anxiety. Trying to fall asleep felt like torture because I was jerking awake in a shock again and again. The SSRI s helped very much, I have to say. Now I have no option to go back.

BUT: I absolutely agree with everything @Sophia wrote in her wonderful post. After this ordeal, I will not be the same person that I have been before. Nor will you. None of us will. We will have learned a lot. We will manage our emotions differently. We have the experience that an online community can help us and give us information about things that we have felt utterly alone before. And then there are non-medical options, too . I’ve been reading a bit about ketogenic diet for brain health. It helps with a lot of conditions, obviously. I do not want to do this now, but to me it is like something that I have in my back pocket, in case life becomes unbearable again. (you can have a look at @Catbird s thread if you’re interested. ) anyway, there are other options than only meds, and I believe that there will be a solution for you, for me, and for every one of us.

Now it’s not the time to think about the future or to try to make plans. It is the time to survive in the present. We stand behind you, you are not alone.

You are in my prayers.

@Nemina beautifully put. I agree @Sminismoni just one day at a time. Your body doesn't care how you feel about healing, it just gets on with it regardless. You just need to survive, that is all for the moment.

Once you have recovered, and you will, you won't be the same person. You will be one of much more compassion, strength, and appreciation for living. You will have learned coping skills and a new zest for life, that will help inform choices, leading to a happy healthy future.

On 4/30/2026 at 9:01 AM, Chippy said:

@Nemina beautifully put. I agree @Sminismoni just one day at a time. Your body doesn't care how you feel about healing, it just gets on with it regardless. You just need to survive, that is all for the moment.

Once you have recovered, and you will, you won't be the same person. You will be one of much more compassion, strength, and appreciation for living. You will have learned coping skills and a new zest for life, that will help inform choices, leading to a happy healthy future.

All very true.

Hi @Sminismoni ,

Checking in on you… how were you doing the last couple of days?

Hi @Sminismoni,

Thinking of you, hopefully you feel at little better ❤️‍🩹

I am at the end guys. I've been off work for 6 weeks now and just got told I am being sued for alleged bullying and racial discrimination in the workplace. A doctor I line manage made an error of judgement and I reported it up the chain. No further action was taken by upper management, and so he says that I inappropriately targetted him. He says my resignation as Clinical Director and absence from work are implicit proof of my wrong doing (suggesting I was asked to step down and absent myself from the workplace by management). I will have to hire and pay for a lawyer as my Trust are washing their hands of it, and he wants £30 000 in damages for emotional distress.

I am done. My symptoms are excruciating every day. Pulling, twisting, jittery body sensations internally, a complete mental cloud most of the time, no normal emotions, just neurodepression and SI. No ability to plan tasks, initiate them. No interest, no enjoyment. Depersonalisation, blurry vision, burning sensations. Heavy limbs that feel like jelly. And just complete cognitive shut down. I can't think let alone instruct a lawyer. I can't accept my symptoms, I can't float above them, I can't challenge them because my mind feels like heavy cotton wool. You need a working brain to utilise those strategies and mine just isn't.

I am all alone. I am here on a Visa and will need to leave the country if I lose this job. I am done. Exit is being planned. There is no hope of recovery here, it's all bullshit. My life ended in May 2025 when I took my first capsule of Atomoxetine. Who would have known that I was essentially ending my life that day. But I did. And to think I bothered to keep breathing for another 12 months after that.

@Sminismoni please keep yourself safe! You are in a bad place, yes, but life is so very precious. You have family to think of. Children. You owe to your family and to yourself to fight on. I know it must seem like a monumental task right now, but just one day at a time. No planning of anything. Just today. That’s all.

2 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I am at the end guys. I've been off work for 6 weeks now and just got told I am being sued for alleged bullying and racial discrimination in the workplace. A doctor I line manage made an error of judgement and I reported it up the chain. No further action was taken by upper management, and so he says that I inappropriately targetted him. He says my resignation as Clinical Director and absence from work are implicit proof of my wrong doing (suggesting I was asked to step down and absent myself from the workplace by management). I will have to hire and pay for a lawyer as my Trust are washing their hands of it, and he wants £30 000 in damages for emotional distress.

That's awful! I am sorry. How did you get the complaint? Via his lawyer or via the company? I work in HR, so if you want any advice, please let me know. Maybe I can help you.

2 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I am done. My symptoms are excruciating every day. Pulling, twisting, jittery body sensations internally, a complete mental cloud most of the time, no normal emotions, just neurodepression and SI. No ability to plan tasks, initiate them. No interest, no enjoyment. Depersonalisation, blurry vision, burning sensations. Heavy limbs that feel like jelly. And just complete cognitive shut down. I can't think let alone instruct a lawyer. I can't accept my symptoms, I can't float above them, I can't challenge them because my mind feels like heavy cotton wool. You need a working brain to utilise those strategies and mine just isn't.

I feel you so much on almost everything you wrote. I don't have a good cognition or memory anymore.. no emotions, blank mind. Its excruciating... Please know many people in our shoes survived and got better.. I also don't believe it often myself haha, but we gotta keep going. Don't make any permanent decision on a temporary situation. HANG IN THERE!!!!!!❤️

@Sminismoni please focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself. Everything else is secondary to your well being. You’re in my, and I’m sure others, prayers. Please take care.

@Sminismoni, we have to hope in the recovery in time, you know this better than me. There is not other things, no medication, no supplements, even the coping strategies don't work for me. We are all trapped in this Hell on Earth. We are all in the same damned boat, our suffering is inhumane, unfair, we all are victims of these poisons. No OTHER way, only time. Don't surrender. I am 14 months in dark place, no window, no light, cortisol endless terror, awful depression, no emotions, no motivation, brain fog... It is not me, I am a real wreck. But do I have a choice? The antidepressant threw me in hellish anhedonia. Nobody deserves this suffering. We have to believe in the body intelligence to heal, everything has an end, this suffering also.

Edited May 19May 19 by skamen

@Sminismoni it is heartbreaking to hear the despair. I have no words other than you will come out the other side. Treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend, with love and compassion 💕

15 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

My life ended in May 2025 when I took my first capsule of Atomoxetine. Who would have known that I was essentially ending my life that day. But I did. And to think I bothered to keep breathing for another 12 months after that.

Way too relatable.

I'm praying for you.

Update at 8 months off. The torture goes on. Not a single day passes where I feel even a millimeter like my old self. Dont have any idea what a window is. Constant symptoms every minute of the day, just changing in nature. Severe derealisation, anhedonia, apathy, emotional blunting. Feeling wired (like permanently on cocaine - can't rest, relax, sleep). Dreadful insomnia even with melatonin. Cotton wool head, slow, confusion, can't plan or think ahead. Sweating, prickling skin, burning eyeballs, scalp, genitals. Then neuro depression, neuro anger (both are so profound my coping strategies are impossible- the emotion is literally like a tsunami and the rational, observing me disappears). I am bedbound about 30% of the time with jelly legs, arms, torso, that at the same time feel as though they have rocks in them. Unable to do any exercise as my body won't co-ordinate, it's either like jelly or heavy and stiff.

I largely have to avoid this forum currently as it can trigger me, which means I lack any understanding or support. At least a couple of very dark days of neuro emotions started with threads I read here so I limit my exposure . It is sad because you are all such lovely people and I think about you @Pokey449 @skamen @Sophia @Chippy @Luke. I even feel like I know @caitlinnathanie and @Kahran and many others. So sad I can't currently support you or share your journey.

I remain off work. I will be on half pay by the end of June. In October I have to return to work otherwise risk losing my visa sponsorship. Had an MRI head finally, it was normal as expected. I keep thinking about how much alcohol I drank in the first 3 months of withdrawal : 2-3 glasses of wine at least three times a week (which was my pre-withdrawal pattern). I worry I bought myself extra suffering time with that decision. It's because I thought this would be over in 6-8 weeks and continued life as usual. Was even still trying to read books and go to Yoga until it all went downhill at 6 months off.

Dear @Sminismoni, you are not alone, I feel you very well. When I read your post, is as it were my portrait. Logically nothing lasts forever, our inhumane torture has to have an end. In the beginning of the withdrawal I took many many supplements in big quantities with the idea to help the healing. It was a huge error, and I haven't known nothing about the WD (I found later SA forum)... Like you, I was thinking that I will feel fine month or two later... Unfortunately we cannot put a timeline in this process, we must do everything to stay alive and hope that we will pass to the other side.

55 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

Update at 8 months off. The torture goes on. Not a single day passes where I feel even a millimeter like my old self. Dont have any idea what a window is. Constant symptoms every minute of the day, just changing in nature. Severe derealisation, anhedonia, apathy, emotional blunting. Feeling wired (like permanently on cocaine - can't rest, relax, sleep). Dreadful insomnia even with melatonin. Cotton wool head, slow, confusion, can't plan or think ahead. Sweating, prickling skin, burning eyeballs, scalp, genitals. Then neuro depression, neuro anger (both are so profound my coping strategies are impossible- the emotion is literally like a tsunami and the rational, observing me disappears). I am bedbound about 30% of the time with jelly legs, arms, torso, that at the same time feel as though they have rocks in them. Unable to do any exercise as my body won't co-ordinate, it's either like jelly or heavy and stiff.

I largely have to avoid this forum currently as it can trigger me, which means I lack any understanding or support. At least a couple of very dark days of neuro emotions started with threads I read here so I limit my exposure . It is sad because you are all such lovely people and I think about you @Pokey449 @skamen @Sophia @Chippy @Luke. I even feel like I know @caitlinnathanie and @Kahran and many others. So sad I can't currently support you or share your journey.

I remain off work. I will be on half pay by the end of June. In October I have to return to work otherwise risk losing my visa sponsorship. Had an MRI head finally, it was normal as expected. I keep thinking about how much alcohol I drank in the first 3 months of withdrawal : 2-3 glasses of wine at least three times a week (which was my pre-withdrawal pattern). I worry I bought myself extra suffering time with that decision. It's because I thought this would be over in 6-8 weeks and continued life as usual. Was even still trying to read books and go to Yoga until it all went downhill at 6 months off.

Hang in there. I relate to every symptom you're listing here, trying to push through one day at a time. Life doesn't have to end here. I have the same pattern you did. For the first months of withdrawal I felt more or less functional, but by month 6-7 all the pains started to appear and refused to give me windows. Ears ringing, headaches, burning skin... The same as you.

We can do it, many did before us. It might be miserable, but one day at a time... Not religious, but praying every single person that struggled with this ends up finding peace. Immigrating to the UK with a visa is hard, my ex was in this situation and also struggled. I can't imagine adding withdrawal to the mix. But you made it this far, it's only a bit further now...

@Sminismoni great to hear from you. So sorry the misery & struggle continues. We can all identify with you & the continuous struggle & misery. We’re all here for you any time you want to scream or cry and someone to listen. If you’re like most of us friends and family just can’t comprehend what we’re all going through.

@Sminismoni I can relate to a lot of what you're going through.

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I largely have to avoid this forum currently as it can trigger me

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

So sad I can't currently support you or share your journey.

Think of it like being on an aeroplane, you must affix your own oxygen mask before helping others.

You've got to do whatever you've got to do to take care of yourself as best you can. Some find forums and support groups helpful, some find them difficult or counter productive. We'll be here down the line when you feel more able to be here and when this place is good for your wellbeing and not bad.

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

In October I have to return to work otherwise risk losing my visa sponsorship.

Hopefully by then you will be improving. It's hard to say exactly when, but it does seem pretty common to worsen sometime between 6 and 12 months for a while before improving again. I've seen it a number of times and it happened to me too.

For now, all you can do is whatever you can to look after yourself and hope you improve over the coming months.

11 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I keep thinking about how much alcohol I drank in the first 3 months of withdrawal : 2-3 glasses of wine at least three times a week (which was my pre-withdrawal pattern). I worry I bought myself extra suffering time with that decision.

Plenty of people have recovered despite drinking alcohol throughout withdrawal, it's more that it's an unnecessary risk given that some have suffered consequences from doing so, and it's known to act on the CNS. There are even those who get protracted withdrawal from sustained, heavy alcohol use.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. Some people seem to tolerate it ok, it's just risky and others have suffered large, noticeable setbacks from it.

If you didn't have a clear, large worsening at the time, I wouldn't worry about it given that it was months ago.

When you're in withdrawal, and that's all your life is, and it consumes every minute of every day, your mind constantly runs wild thinking about all of this stuff. From my perspective, I think you're following a pretty "classic" pattern that many others do:

• Struggling but just about managing for a time, often around 6ish months

• Worsening significantly for no clear reason for a time

• Improving back to a similar state to the first bullet point

• Continuing to improve further

At the moment, you're on the second one. There are others currently posting on this forum who are too, and I've seen it in many others as well. Hopefully the 3rd one isn't too far off.

As an aside, given your profession and background, I think that when you recover you have immense potential to be a huge force for good.

@Sminismoni Sending lots of love your way. You need your distance from the forum more than you need the support, and I completely understand this. For some this is what they must do.

Try not to worry about what you did before you realised the full extent of the injury you are suffering from. We have all been there to some level. We were not to know, and we can't roll back the time, but we can control what we choose to do now. That is all that matters. You are doing your best now with the hand you have been dealt.

Given enough time things will improve for you, I have zero idea how much time, but I am absolutely confident things will improve for you. Thinking of you xxxx

I need to post after another night from hell. 3 hours sleep from 10pm-1am, then I woke up in a chemical mood that has no name. An evil, dark feeling that felt unsurvivable. And lots of prickling and itching skin. The inside of my mouth is even itchy and burning. And akathisia, tossing and turning, jittery inside all night. I've had so many of these nights now, and it's 9am now and still hasn't settled.

I saw an eye doctor yesterday due to blurry vision, sticky feeling of my eyelids and constant tears streaming down my face when I'm outdoors. He diagnosed me with severe dry eye and meibomian gland dysfunction. He has given me drops and a gel to use at night. WD is truly the gift that keeps on giving. He asked me when these symptoms started. I said po-faced "When I stopped Atomoxetine in October last year" (because I'm sick of lying and pretending around doctors). He then pulls up the BNF, looks up Atomoxetine side effects and says "Hhmm, dry eye isn't listed as a side effect here". I felt like shouting "F-U buddy" and running out of there.

5 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I need to post after another night from hell. 3 hours sleep from 10pm-1am, then I woke up in a chemical mood that has no name. An evil, dark feeling that felt unsurvivable. And lots of prickling and itching skin. The inside of my mouth is even itchy and burning. And akathisia, tossing and turning, jittery inside all night. I've had so many of these nights now, and it's 9am now and still hasn't settled.

Sorry you had such a rough night @Sminismoni If only we could sleep properly! I have the burning mouth too.

5 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I saw an eye doctor yesterday due to blurry vision, sticky feeling of my eyelids and constant tears streaming down my face when I'm outdoors. He diagnosed me with severe dry eye and meibomian gland dysfunction. He has given me drops and a gel to use at night. WD is truly the gift that keeps on giving. He asked me when these symptoms started. I said po-faced "When I stopped Atomoxetine in October last year" (because I'm sick of lying and pretending around doctors). He then pulls up the BNF, looks up Atomoxetine side effects and says "Hhmm, dry eye isn't listed as a side effect here". I felt like shouting "F-U buddy" and running out of there.

Well done you for being upfront with the doctor. Im sure you have looked the eye drops up and given it some thought, I would be cautious, we react to basically everything in WD potentially. 🤷‍♂️

'gift that keeps on giving' sums it all up pretty well. xxxx

And the problem is it's not the only side effect. I too have this problem which has plagued me for years. It really ramped up when I started Amitriptyline. I now use Hylo Forte drops several times a day, Manuka honey drops (Optimel), Tears Again ( a liposomal spray and Ciclosporin drops twice a day. I use a Bruder mask twice a day and lubricating gel at night. Plus I use a foaming agent to clean my lids twice a day. And they're still always red, sore and runny. Then there's the dry mouth and dental caries but I won't go on.

I'm sorry you're having such awful WD symptoms @Sminismoni

@Chippy I plugged the ingredients in the eye drops straight into google. it is basically Sodium Hyaluronate, which is a naturally occurring molecule already found in the eye. Then citric acid to balance the pH and a tamarind seed polysaccharide. No steriods or antihistamines so I'm fairly comfortable taking them.

I've found that not much makes things better or worse for me in WD. I've taken Ibuprofen and paracetamol for leg cramps several times and didn't feel worse. Had a filling done at the dentist with local anaesthetic, no worse than before.

16 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

No steriods or antihistamines so I'm fairly comfortable taking them.

Sounds pretty low risk tbh!

16 minutes ago, Sminismoni said:

I've found that not much makes things better or worse for me in WD. I've taken Ibuprofen and paracetamol for leg cramps several times and didn't feel worse. Had a filling done at the dentist with local anaesthetic, no worse than before.

That is good, I find a lot of the foods we are supposed to avoid make little difference to me, Luke and I were talking about this yesterday, we decided it was the benefit of never really feeling very good, nothing seems to make you worse!

Just now, Chippy said:

the benefit of never really feeling very good, nothing seems to make you worse!

Oh yes, absolutely! Things aren't worse because they can't really be worse LOL. Especially if you never have a window.

Just now, Sminismoni said:

Oh yes, absolutely! Things aren't worse because they can't really be worse LOL. Especially if you never have a window.

No I shouldn't laugh but if we can't laugh at this awful situation what can we do!