Dear @Sminismoni, this forum is also my life buoy, it is normal to share here what you feel. Our struggle and our suffering are inimaginable, nobody who is not in this boat cannot even imagine this Inhumane place.

Svetla 

14 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I am sorry if I am posting a lot.

 

There's no need to apologise. As the co-owner of the bandwidth that hosts the information here you have permission to post as much as you like (as long as it remains text-based and you don't start uploading terabytes of videos).

 

Whatever you need to help you to cope.

 

  

14 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

The problem is, some of the depressive thoughts feed into real themes, things I have struggled with before WD

 

This has been huge, and constant for me, and all I can really say is that it is fading away. 95% of it is just physical for me now.

 

In time, it is likely that this will happen for you too.

 

 

14 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

People seem to report feeling good when they heal. But I know that yes, there were good times before WD, but also a hell of a lot of loneliness, anxiety and depression.

 

There is also an element of living life with renewed zeal once you have experienced a lot of suffering. I'm not quite there yet, but getting glimmers.

 

20 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Well, after my 3 hour window yesterday I am paying for it today with WD symptoms from hell. I am sorry if I am posting a lot. I am single, live alone, and have literally no family in the UK. My teenage children live in my home country with their father and both of them cut contact with me during the divorce. He has alienated them from me, saying I am unstable and mentally unwell. My daughter turned 18 last week. I sent a card and gift but had no reply

Hey @Sminismoni Sorry to read this. Waves and windows are real! But It is so positive you had your first window hold onto this! I know your daughter will appreciate you still get her things, in time I think, as others have said, she will realise what has happened here and I hope you can have a better relationship with her then.

 

20 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

This morning I had frightening levels of depression and SI, which felt chemical, to be fair. I wasn't able to cope or challenge or even step outside the thoughts, I was convinced it was real. And all afternoon I've still felt low, sluggish, hopeless, and with a pressure feeling in my ribs that is unrelenting. The problem is, some of the depressive thoughts feed into real themes, things I have struggled with before WD e.g. focusing on all the difficulties my ADHD has caused, and knowing life will continue to be difficult even after WD recovery now that I can never manage it with medication. I look back on my 20s, 30s and 40s and see such abject failure in lots of areas of life, and constant fatigue and struggle especially basic functioning and making/keeping friends. Especially the last part. I just don't know, and have never known social cues or how to connect with others. I often wonder if I am also autistic. This gets me down and ramps up 1000% in WD depression.

The wave brain is a well documented liar! We experience WD through the eyes of our own experiences, it can make the feelings seem so real. Try to remember this when in the thick of it! This too shall pass.

 

20 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

People seem to report feeling good when they heal. But I know that yes, there were good times before WD, but also a hell of a lot of loneliness, anxiety and depression. Feeling different, like an outsider my whole life. And it's worse knowing I can never have pharmacology for that ever again (Sertraline did help me for many years). 4 years of therapy haven’t helped, because my neurodiversity makes it too hard to internalise concepts and skills (in one ear, out the other).

We all feel like this sometimes. You seem like a kind, compassonate, intellegent, thoughtful person. I suspect that is why you joined the profession you did, to help others! This kind of intense self reflection is so common in WD, don't believe it. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, don't kid yourself others don't make them, they do! No one is perfect and you shouldn't expect yourself to be.

 

20 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I'm just feeling rotten and need to get it out of my head.

As Luke has said, post as much as you want! It is what this site is here for. We are here for you.

 

Chippy

k

6 hours ago, Luke said:

There is also an element of living life with renewed zeal once you have experienced a lot of suffering. I'm not quite there yet, but getting glimmers.

 

This is lovely, Luke. Thanks for writing this. Gives me hope today , too. @Luke

 

let’s hold onto this hope @Sminismoni! A lot of the work  that has to be done during withdrawal, in my experience, is distancing oneself from one’s own thoughts or feelings during a wave. I believe that this will be a great skill in future years, when withdrawal is over. 
 

take care, this wave will be over one day. We go one step after the other.

Love, Nemina 

13 hours ago, Nemina said:

lot of the work  that has to be done during withdrawal, in my experience, is distancing oneself from one’s own thoughts or feelings during a wave. I believe that this will be a great skill in future years,

I agree completely 

HI @Sminismoni I have not been on for a while and see that you had a meeting with Mark. Hopefully everything goes well with your court case too. It is completely ridiculous that your ex believes you should work OT as a general rule. I am so sorry for that. 

These darn drugs are running the show until we can completely heal from them. It will happen for all of us. There are too many success stories out there for it not to come true for us as well.

I think it is a matter of MTHFR, COMT, MAO genetics issues. There could be other SNPs as well. Back in 2013, I was on some sort of forum (sorry that I do not remember the name) where they had some really knowledge people about genetics and all the problems I was having them with that awful polydrug/CT season. That is when I studied my functional genetics. I am definitely not a scholar but it opened my eyes to perhaps why I had some of the issues I have had over the course of my life and why I did not start to have protracted withdrawals for months after I stopped taking Zoloft.

I will pray/send well wishes to you that things right themselves for you and your family. Take care, my friend.

On 1/28/2026 at 9:26 PM, Sminismoni said:

Hi, so glad to have found this site. I am 49 years old, female.

 

My medication history is below. In years past, before my ADHD diagnosis I was on Sertraline for a long time without issue and stopped it in 2023 without problems. I also had trials of Bupropion and Escitalopram, again, no issues.

 

I am 4 months now without any psychiatric meds and am struggling. No windows so far. Struggle to get out of bed, I live alone.and have no family support. I am still working full time because I am an immigrant in the UK and on a sponsored work visa (which requires full time work), but it is very hard.

 

Symptoms are getting worse. Lots of autonomic dysfunction and emotional blunting (this is terrible).

 

All GP investigations are normal ofcourse. My ADHD prescriber tried to gaslight me into believing my symptoms were menopause and I wasted time and money seeing menopause specialists and having my HRT adjusted whilst on Atomoxetine. It has been suggested I get an MRI head and see a neurologist but I don't want to waste more time and money and risk again being gaslit. Even the ADHD coach I was seeing didn't believe me.

 

The worst part of all? I AM A PSYCHIATRIST. I have been prescribing this poison to people for the past 15 years. I now know better. If I was more well I would be giving conference talks on this and screaming it from the rooftops. But most of all, I just want to now quit this diabolical profession. Sadly, I can't quit for another 2.5 years due to my work visa conditions. My plan, if I recover, is to retrain as a psychotherapist and maybe support folk in this situation get through. It has destroyed my life.

Hi @Sminismoni It's very brave to join this group and state up front you are a psychiatrist. It's also so incredible to have someone like you understanding what millions of people around the world are struggling with. The pharmaceutical industry has very subtle ways of corrupting the medical system and the same goes for the food industry when it comes to nutrition. A lot of research has been tainted by hiding data, bias, use of ghost writers etc. I came across the below quote which you've written recently and was moved by your intentions — difficult when you're carrying a heavy symptom load.

Fortunately I have a good relationship with my psychiatrist who is obviously supportive of shared decision making. I manage my own taper and ask for his opinion when needed. He is more interested in helping me on an emotional level. Did he prescribe some of the drugs I'm now stuck on? Yes, but he's helping me through this. A lot of the publicity about the dependency forming nature of most drugs I only surfaced in the last few years, and I understand that many doctors are still unaware of how much harm and suffering they can cause. I watched a television program in 2023 - that really opened my eyes. I'd been told for years, maybe decades that I would need to be on medication (SSRIs) for life.

 

As a psychiatrist, I apologise for the ignorance of my profession and the harm we have done. I cannot wait to leave the profession but ironically I am too ill from my own withdrawal to plan a career change right now (6 months off meds, still more than 20 symptoms most days). I am doing my best from the inside to try and prevent this from happening to others. Sadly, many patients still want medication to treat their disress and indeed I have had a patient make a formal complaint against me in recent months for refusing to prescribe more medication to them. We are fighting collective brain washing. It is a sad system and it is broken. 

@Sminismoni, how have you been recently?

Hi @Sminismoni,

 

How are you doing? Any improvements? 😊

@Luke @Sophia and everyone else, I want to post a 6 month off meds update. I am staying away from the forum for the most part as I find I feel worse and get triggered easily. So just protecting myself a bit, nothing against anyone here.

 

I want to try and stay neutral here so will list my ongoing symptoms and frequency/severity. I tick these and score them every day. Over time I aim to use AI to analyse it and perhaps when I come to write my recovery story, it can do up a timeline and progress analysis that will help others see someone's  journey in a more objective manner.

 

So presently I have the following  smorgasbord of symptoms. In February/March 2026 I had on average 15 of these on any one day:

 

Emotional and Cognitive

Emotional blunting - severe and ongoing, daily, this is the default state.

Anxiety - not like normal, feels purely physical and jittery. This is rare.

Depression and SI - very bad in the first 6 weeks of WD, now thankfully rare, had a flare up for 10 days when I tried fish oil for 3 days this month but it settled again.

Mania/Euphoria - occurs every couple of weeks for 2 hours or so. Feels frightening and out of control, too excited, too much energy and enthusiasm.

Teariness - quite rare. More usually I cannot cry.

Brain Fog and confusion - was severe the first 3 months. Now more episodic and less severe.

Amotivation - just literally dragging myself through tasks that have to get done

Apathy and lack of enthusiasm

Derealisation - this was severe in the first 3 months. Still present almost daily but less intense for sure.

Depersonalisation- thankfully only happened 4 times total

Unbidden memories - these pop into my head randomly, mostly positive happy times, but very unexpected and distracting. 

No thoughts in my head feeling - feels horrible and empty

Altered sense of time - everything seems much, much slower.  I don't notice time passing.

 

Physical

Burning head and face

Night sweats

Prickly sensations on my skin

Insomnia - I take melatonin 3mg nightly and 5 nights a week I get broken 6-7 hours, and two nights a week I am in hell with 2-3 hours

Feeling sluggish and heavy in my muscles - less intense, I am bedbound less than before and just this week started to sit up at my work desk again on WFH days.

Muscle twitching - mainly in the face

Unwanted genital arousal

Leg cramps

Blurry vision - severe, almost daily

Nausea

Constipation

Dizziness - sometimes I have sea legs and can't walk straight. Thankfully rare.

Feeling wired and too awake - I can't chill, I can't nap. This is almost constant.

Pressure in my ribs feeling - intense first 3 months, rare now

Dry mouth and hoarse voice

Thirsty 

Sugar cravings, binge eating OR no appetite.

 

Anyway, I might post another update like this in a couple of months. I am still managing to work thankfully. Best wishes everyone.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 22Mar 22 by Sminismoni

I hope you improve over time. For many, the first 6 months or so can be the "acute" phase. It can be very variable, however some seem to experience a sort of "levelling off" of symptoms after an initial acute phase.

 

It's good that some of your symptoms have eased off.

 

The only other thing I'll add is that pretty much all of your symptoms are "classic" protracted withdrawal syndrome. I'd call them textbook, but of course the establishment does not put this in textbooks.

 

There's no obligation to post, I was just wondering how you were doing.

 

We'll be here when you want to post again.

27 minutes ago, Luke said:

There's no obligation to post, I was just wondering how you were doing.

 

100% no obligation 

 

Im really pleased you are doing a bit better @Sminismoni, this is fantastic progress in a short time. More to come. Chippy

I'm having one of my worst weeks to date. 

 

Severe depression with critical and harsh thoughts toward myself and strong, strong SI. This comes with brain fog, weak muscles. Then complete emotional anaesthesia and strong depersonalisation the rest of the time. Paranoid ideation towards my therapist and people in general. These are like jumbled weird thoughts I can't even tease apart. I'm so confused I can't do basic tasks. Prickling skin is very bad - thousands of tiny pins stabbing me for the past 2 days. Feeling jittery inside, and just strange body sensations that have no words. 

 

I've watched lots of WD stuff on YouTube which triggered me more, and read through SA threads. Even the recovery stories trigger me. Not everyone fully heals. Many stories there of 4-6 years if they do. Residual symptoms seem common and random waves years out due to stress or starting a new medication for physical health (not to mention in some cases complete relapse). I can't cope with the fact I will never be me again, innocent and oblivious. Always vigilant and looking over my shoulder for what the next trigger or setback might be for the rest of my life.

 

And yeah, I held off posting this because I predict replies like "You're only 6 months off, there's still so much healing to do, it will happen" are going to upset me more. I'm so lonely and I can't even feel the care of others right now I'm so blunted or paranoid.

@Sminismoni so sorry to hear you’re in a bad place ATM

@Sminismoni Pretty much in the same state of mind as you, to be honest... 6 and a half months since starting WD...

@Sminismoni I’m so sorry you are suffering so badly. Hugs to you. 
The only recommendation I can offer is to not to spend to much time & effort on SA etc reading about all the misery & symptoms of others. I do that to much myself as a way of checking my symptoms against others and seeking out reassurance that I’ll be ok. When in fact it can make my anxiety worse. I’ll compare my sxs against others, conclude mine are worse or that I’m going to die which only makes me more anxious According to my psychologist I have classical health anxiety. Supposedly my  checking for reassurance ultimately makes my anxiety worse???  Easy for him to say hard for me to stop. So I try to help myself with exercise & meditation. 
I hope you get some rest & relief. 

Hey @Sminismoni just to say I’m thinking of you. I know you struggle to believe people’s sincerity in your current state but please believe me when I say that, we will always be here for you, we validate you and appreciate your professional experience that you bring to forum. Hang in there. It will get better. One day at a time. 

Emotional blunting and anhedonia are truly really debilitating symptoms. I deal with it as well almost 6 months off. Feels like “me” died as I can’t barley reach my feelings.Because of the blunting and anhedonia it it’s impossible to feel hope or trust.

However, healing is always happening and you won’t have to believe it in order for it to happen. Hang in there…❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Did this anhedonia start only after 2 months of AD, @Sophia? Mine anhedonia started in February 2024 after 14 years of Paxil and now it is awful, plus à lot other hellish WD symptoms.

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling.

 

5 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

I've watched lots of WD stuff on YouTube which triggered me more, and read through SA threads. Even the recovery stories trigger me.

I would advise you to avoid that when in withdrawal, fron experience it will make you feel worse.

5 hours ago, Sminismoni said:

Not everyone fully heals. Many stories there of 4-6 years if they do. Residual symptoms seem common and random waves years out due to stress or starting a new medication for physical health (not to mention in some cases complete relapse). I can't cope with the fact I will never be me again, innocent and oblivious. Always vigilant and looking over my shoulder for what the next trigger or setback might be for the rest of my life

first of all, the people who don't heal are like 0.1%, not the majority.

Those who have withdrawal for only 6 months tend to not stay on these forums, compared to the ones with super long ones that you see all the time, cause they engaged for years in forums, you are seeing a selective group of people.

 

Even without psych drugs mess, you can randomly become sick, does it mean you should fear all the time "oh no, I might get a flu, get hospitalized and die !" ? of course not.

 

Also how do you know you will never be yourself? You are fairly early in the withdrawal stage.

Notice how your brain starts to make up false stories ? you never know what will happen in the future before it happens.

our brains are programmed to look for the worst case scenario so we will survive, but the thing you are doing, you are living out an unlikely future that probably won't happen !

stop thinking about the future and past, the only reality is now, you are sick and you are going to do the best to take care of yourself, and let your body do it's thing, as it knows best how to heal, don't cling to any false prophecies your mind makes, it is not reality!

 

In order to pass the time faster and suffer less, you have to accept reality, and surrender to your body instead of resisting the symptoms. The more you resist, the more you suffer and time goes slower.

 

"I am sick and going to do the best I can while my body heals and raises these symptoms in order to heal. The symptoms are not a threat, it's a sign my body is working and healing itself, my body knows what it's doing"

Another thing I forgot to mention, focus on anything that is good in your life and not the bad stuff.

so anything in your life that makes you feel better, family, pets, food, house, focus on the things on life that make you feel good.

and any distractions that make you feel better/less bad are also great.

It can be anything, video games, movies, tv shows, home hobbies, drawing, anything that you can do, that you enjoy and makes you feel less bad, is a thing you should do.

I used to watch snooker when I was bed bound and had some shit happen with me.

 

There are people in life that have insanely bad health conditions that cause insane amounts of suffering, yet they still choose to do the things that make them good and keep the positivity.

that's what you need to do, not focus on the bad things, identify anything good in your life and focus on that as much as you can.

 

@Sminismoni, I don't know why, but significant worsening around the 6ish month mark is fairly common.

 

I deteriorated so much physically at 7 months off I was taken to A&E where they stated that it was very unlikely to be related to mirtazapine but agreed that I was very ill and submitted me for a lot of tests.

 

Most people do not take 4-6 years to heal, the most vocal are the worst affected. Taking over 4 years is very uncommon, from what I've seen. I'd suggest trying not to go down the rabbit hole, but I know how incredibly difficult it is not to, and I did the same for a long time.

 

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, all you can do is ride this bit out, hopefully this is your "6 months worsening" and it is temporary.

2 minutes ago, Luke said:

I'd suggest trying not to go down the rabbit hole, but I know how incredibly difficult it is not to, and I did the same for a long time.

We have all experienced this stage in withdrawal where we are scared for our lives, it's simply a stage, until you arrive at acceptance, and in knowing not all is lost, there are still good things, and you can enjoy certain parts of life even in withdrawals.

On 3/28/2026 at 5:11 PM, skamen said:

Did this anhedonia start only after 2 months of AD, @Sophia? Mine anhedonia started in February 2024 after 14 years of Paxil and now it is awful, plus à lot other hellish WD symptoms.

Unfortunately yes… I also have debilitating head pressures and dry eyes 😞 

I have been in a bad way everyone. The past 10 days or so I have struggled to stay safe and at one point called the crisis team (useless).  The depression and SI have been intense. The thoughts become thick and relentless. It is like a demon grips my brain and begins persecuting me with every story of past failure and future misery it can come up with. I become smothered by the thoughts and cannot separate out reality at all. Even telling myself "This is withdrawal" leads to devil brain saying "Yes it is,but if you recover, you will still have untreated ADHD and struggle to function, become overwhelmed, still have crippling social anxiety  be constantly tired and irritable like you were for the first 45 years of your life. So why are you bothering to wait this out?" 

Devil brain even stops me from reaching out and posting here, saying that you guys are all "normal" (i.e. neurotypical) and won't really understand or be helpful.

 

When not depressed I feel absolutely nothing, I am a zombie with barely a startle response.

 

Aside from this, I get triggered at work when patients with ADHD come in after starting meds and tell me how great they feel and how life changing it is. Medications that I experienced as positively lifechanging too (briefly, before side effects kicked in), which I now can't ever have. I also get triggered when other people on multiple medications demand more, or want to stop, swap, switch, find something "better". I try to tell them they need psychology, to get relationship counselling, to exercise or do yoga, but no, they want meds. I get angry when patients ask for benzodiazepines and won't accept my answer of "no, it will do more harm than good", as if I am denying them a sweet.

 

Working as a psychiatrist whilst in WD is akin to being a surgeon who  got the wrong leg amputated through negligence but has to continue performing leg amputations on others. My work is exacerbating and perpetuating the trauma of this whole situation.

 

Aside from that I have ongoing severe physical symptoms including a very painful burning of my genitalia and cramping in my calves both of which make sleep impossible. 

 

Sigh. 

Edited April 8Apr 8 by Sminismoni
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