01/11/2026- sleep more, muscle stiffness and pain continues, intrusive thoughts and little fear sensation 

 

Last night, I went to sleep around 930pm after having an up and down day with few symptoms on and off. 

 

For the first time in my 13 months, I woke up at 550am which I had to rush to take my dose.  I did felt around 3am some fear sensation in my stomach, but I just ignored it and back to sleep.   

 

It seems that my amygdala is adjusting more and fear sensation about work, few other stressors on and off as well.  

 

Intrusive thoughts this morning on and off.  Mornings fear sensation on and off.

 

My muscles stiffness and left shoulder back pain on and off too.

 

In the last few days, my symptoms being on and off as you can see.  It's like one hour, the symptoms are there.  Then, it fades away and sometimes comes back few hours later just to fade away again.

 

I'm not feeling amazing yet as my month 9, but I'm not feeling terrible either.  

 

Fear sensation is what's kills me the most.  It does not matter how less intense is, it is still bothering me....lfor instance, I had intrusive thoughts about my job this Sunday morning and it created the fear sensation and I'm not even working today and I'm not even thinking about it...yet, my brain decided to bring that though today...

 

I can't wait for the day I no longer feel fear and feel a totally true freedom within myself.  A day that I no longer worry about what should I eat, or clothes, or drink.  A day that I wake up and enjoy every single second of my present like without worrying about this material life.   A day that some day, I can look at the sky and say, this is me, the new me in Jesus Christ......

 

Be even better than when I started medication....

 

Let's continue holding.....13 months on this journey, 3 months holding taper..... holding at 4.79mg

Hello Raymond, I don't think we've chatted before but I have read some of your posts and recognise similarities with my own symptoms. I am 11 months off citalopram, dropped off at 0.3 mg and still getting hellish symptoms. I too have developed shoulder aches that come and go, I too wish for days to feel normal, to be rid of intrusive thoughts and all the other weird body sensations. Just want you to know that you're not alone, not much help really, but I hope healing comes soon for you. Best wishes.

Oh thank you.  I am Catholic so many novenas done so far.  I will add this one to my prayer.  

 

I'm currently reading about Saint Catherine of Genova.   She suffered many of our symptoms.  God tested her and she passed many nights without sleeping, burning sensations, etc. Until after 4 years and half, God healed her.  Then, she started to live a life connected to God.  Her struggles reflects a lot in what we go through.....

 

There are others Catholic saints that went through the same before reaching a point that they no longer lived for themselves but for God and others...

 

That’s awesome. I’ll look up that particular St Catherine. Let me know about the others. There’s of course St Dymphna. 

And we will get through with Jesus’ help and whatever concept of God other believers may have. I like to respect others’ beliefs, because I know not everyone is Christian. Our spirituality is an important part of our healing. 

 

As for Sx, I think we can brace and feel pain in different parts of our body. Divert your attention to somewhere you feel less or no pain, when you notice your shoulder pain. It helps if you do this a few times in a row. It’s a somatic technique to reduce pain. See how it works for you. 

 

Have a pleasant evening!

01/12/2026- fear symptom continues, muscle stiffness and shoulder pain...

 

I have muscle stiffness and pain on and off 

 

My mornings are continuing to be bad, specially on work days.  Fear sensation being my number one old symptom that continues to come on and off in the last two months.  

 

I can't concentrate much today due to anxiousness, fear sensation, intrusive thoughts, little hot flashes, etc...

 

The weather not helping me today 

 

I usually get better in the afternoons.  

 

Morning fear is my weakness.... frustrating when I start thinking that I was never like this.   

 

When my life will come back? 13 months journey and hoping times flies...

 

In the name of Jesus, I revoke and reject all of these symptoms....

Hello Raymond, I don't think we've chatted before but I have read some of your posts and recognise similarities with my own symptoms. I am 11 months off citalopram, dropped off at 0.3 mg and still getting hellish symptoms. I too have developed shoulder aches that come and go, I too wish for days to feel normal, to be rid of intrusive thoughts and all the other weird body sensations. Just want you to know that you're not alone, not much help really, but I hope healing comes soon for you. Best wishes.

Thank you for your support.  It's hard what we go through, but it's the only way out.

 

My fear sensation is the worst for me because even small things are exaggerating anxiety and fear.  I'm not like last year, but still bothering symptoms....

 

Before medication, I didn't even care about work or what ever happen to me.  I was able to control everything and even has conversations with boss.  Now, CNS still sensitive and even if my boss said HI, my body reacts like little fear....crazy....

---

Oh thank you.  I am Catholic so many novenas done so far.  I will add this one to my prayer.  

 

I'm currently reading about Saint Catherine of Genova.   She suffered many of our symptoms.  God tested her and she passed many nights without sleeping, burning sensations, etc. Until after 4 years and half, God healed her.  Then, she started to live a life connected to God.  Her struggles reflects a lot in what we go through.....

 

There are others Catholic saints that went through the same before reaching a point that they no longer lived for themselves but for God and others...

 

That’s awesome. I’ll look up that particular St Catherine. Let me know about the others. There’s of course St Dymphna. 

And we will get through with Jesus’ help and whatever concept of God other believers may have. I like to respect others’ beliefs, because I know not everyone is Christian. Our spirituality is an important part of our healing. 

 

As for Sx, I think we can brace and feel pain in different parts of our body. Divert your attention to somewhere you feel less or no pain, when you notice your shoulder pain. It helps if you do this a few times in a row. It’s a somatic technique to reduce pain. See how it works for you. 

 

Have a pleasant evening!

Oh thanks.  Same to you.  I hope you continue your journey and get heal soon.

 

I continue with ups and down days...

 

Fear is the most annoying...I sometimes feels the fear on my stomach area, or chest, or head...

Hi Raymond, that must be horrible going into work and having to deal with those symptoms when facing your boss. Like you I never had anxiety before taking citalopram, doctor thought I may have had mild anxiety, cannot remember why I went to him, anyhow I know what anxiety feels like now since dealing with my symptoms and I've never experienced this before. There are loads of videos on YouTube regarding anxiety in the workplace but I like watching Shaan Kassam's videos, so many of them covering anxiety, you've probably seen them but thought I'd give it a mention. One day you will be free of those feelings but I know relief doesn't happen overnight. Watching those video gives me hope and makes me feel a little better. Hope things improve for you soon.

Hi Raymond, that must be horrible going into work and having to deal with those symptoms when facing your boss. Like you I never had anxiety before taking citalopram, doctor thought I may have had mild anxiety, cannot remember why I went to him, anyhow I know what anxiety feels like now since dealing with my symptoms and I've never experienced this before. There are loads of videos on YouTube regarding anxiety in the workplace but I like watching Shaan Kassam's videos, so many of them covering anxiety, you've probably seen them but thought I'd give it a mention. One day you will be free of those feelings but I know relief doesn't happen overnight. Watching those video gives me hope and makes me feel a little better. Hope things improve for you soon.

Oh thank you Sonia2.  I will definitely look at it.  I have never been anxious about any job in my life.  Specially after long doing the same, but withdrawal is crazy.  Making us jump for no reasons.

 

My boss is I nice person and always teaching me new things....

Hi Raymond, I'm glad to hear you get on well with your boss, at least you haven't got to worry about that. If it had been a toxic relationship that would have had a serious effect on your symptoms. Withdrawal has definitely given me anxiety, there are so many weird and abnormal symptoms, it's a no wonder we are the way we are. Tomorrow is another day nearer to healing. All the best.

Oh thanks.  Same to you.  I hope you continue your journey and get heal soon.

 

I continue with ups and down days...

 

Fear is the most annoying...I sometimes feels the fear on my stomach area, or chest, or head...

———-

Everyone holds their emotions in different places, but usual are more along the center line of the body. Interestingly night it’s where the vagus nerve travels. It’s good you’re aware. You can bring your awareness elsewhere like at the extremities, there will be a back and forth of awareness, and be curious what happens next. This is a little bit of Somatic Experiencing at play!

01/14/2026- ups and downs recovery process....

 

Ok, yesterday was a good day as usually in the afternoon, but I probably felt little better.  I enjoyed a night time in a fast food place with family.  I did not feel any desire to run away.

 

Muscle stiffness and shoulder left side pain little better....

 

This morning, I woke up 530am due to alarm and not cortisol spike.  

 

I feel little better than yesterday.  

 

What I have noticed in the past three weeks, my symptoms are up and down but for shorter periods and specially morning hours.  

 

I feel few good changes, but I can't tell what it is...

 

I don't know if having quicker symptoms coming quickly but leaving quickly is a good sign before I feel more normal.

 

My mornings still slow and specially between 7am to 10am.  After that, I get to feel a lot better and able to handle stress better too.

 

I just continue holding because I can tell my body is not ready yet.  When I previously did my first three cuts, I somehow felt that motivation and energy in the morning and no fear.

 

Currently, it seems that it's improving slowly but not there yet.  I guess my body will let me know.  

 

I will reevaluate in two months and probably go from .0716g to .0714g..

 

It's very slow but as long as I go slow, it should not be a problem.

 

I'm just waiting for body to stabilize and heal more, specially fear sensation and cortisol needs to fade away before I can taper again

..

 

We will heal in the name of Jesus ..

01/15/2026- ups and downs recovery process continues...

 

Yesterday felt good.  My morning was a little better.  I also went for a long walk and enjoyed the afternoon.

 

This morning, I woke up again due to the alarm. No cortisol issues, no intrusive thoughts, no burning, and just feeling little hot.

 

My muscles stiffness and back shoulder pain seems to improve more.  I just feel a little stiffness on upper left arm.  Feel few bones around body cracking, but no big deal.

 

I get little anxious between 7am to 10am, but not intense. I'm still acting a little bit on stressful situations, but it seems that CNS comes down a little quicker too. It sometimes leave me with chest anxiety for an hour or so.

 

Fear sensation seems to be gone again

Guts being better for weeks now.

My appetite being back to normal for few days now..

 

Singing came back 

Emotions are better

Anger gone and I have noticed that I can respond back without screaming or yelling...more like I was before medication...

 

Lack Concentration is on and off but not intense 

 

Work stress seems to be less intense, but still not normal.  I still react a little bit 

 

Crystals sounds in ears came back and it's being on and off.

 

Overall, I am feeling between good and better.  I have noticed that my brain is more relax than my 12 years on this medication.  I can feel like it's being free.  My body is still having ups and downs...

 

In the name of Jesus, we will all heal..

Hey Raymon!

20 hours ago, Raymond said:

Yesterday felt good.  My morning was a little better.  I also went for a long walk and enjoyed the afternoon.

Good to hear my friend. I love walking. Been a bit lapse on it recently. Gotta back out there for some proper walks again.

20 hours ago, Raymond said:

This morning, I woke up again due to the alarm. No cortisol issues, no intrusive thoughts, no burning, and just feeling little hot.

This is good. I empathise with the hot.

20 hours ago, Raymond said:

My muscles stiffness and back shoulder pain seems to improve more.  I just feel a little stiffness on upper left arm.  Feel few bones around body cracking, but no big deal.

Ive been seeing so much of this kinda thing recently was just talking to @Tumultarisk about it on his thread.

20 hours ago, Raymond said:

Guts being better for weeks now.

Mine fluctuates a bit. Generally better over time but far from normal still.

20 hours ago, Raymond said:

My appetite being back to normal for few days now..

Oddly was just saying to @NT1100B my hunger was perfect for ages now the mirt hunger seems to be back.

You sound like you are generally a bit positive at the moment. Heading in a good direction. The holds working out for you!

Chippy

Hello,  @Chippy.  It seems that I am feeling little better lately.  When I'm down, it's not intense.   I am still not there but I'm able to manage life.  I'm holding this month and next month before doing another cut in March....

 

Going slow until I'm sure I won't get new symptoms.

 

I have also noticed that I can see clear at close distance without glasses.  

 

I'm wondering if I will get my vision corrected as I get off this medication...

6 hours ago, Raymond said:

Hello,  @Chippy.  It seems that I am feeling little better lately.  When I'm down, it's not intense.   I am still not there but I'm able to manage life.  I'm holding this month and next month before doing another cut in March....

This is good to hear. Time is helping you get stabile. Excellent. Yes good plan I think. Get level before continuing downloads!

6 hours ago, Raymond said:

I'm wondering if I will get my vision corrected as I get off this medication...

It’s always possible! We all seem to have a bunch of weird things on top of our primary symptoms. The drugs affect the whole of our body and mind and all their functions. 

9 hours ago, Raymond said:

I have also noticed that I can see clear at close distance without glasses.  

 

I'm wondering if I will get my vision corrected as I get off this medication...

 

There are no guarantees, but I am personally in touch with a couple of people whose vision issues improved in time off of psychiatric medications.

 

One was told by a doctor he had issues that nobody healed from and completely dismissed the influence of medication, then when he returned a year all better refused to believe it could have been the medication in the first place anyway.

01/17/2026- better and improving 

 

So far, this month I have had more days where I wake up due to the alarm to take my dose.

 

I'm still having slow mornings with few lingering symptoms, but I have seeing other improvement mentally.

 

I continue holding and see if I don't get any new symptom is in the next two months so I can continue a slow Tapering.....

 

The crystal sounds in the ear came back, but it seems that it doesn't stay long..

 

Guts has been good for few weeks now.

 

No burning

No cortisol 

No anxiety

No fear sensation 

Stress does not cause me high anxiety anymore, or at least so far.

Vision seems better too.  I wear glasses but lately, I have to take glasses off to see closer objects clearly.....

No gasses 

Appetite seems normal again

The headache in the left side of head gone for weeks now ..I just realized it...

Muscle stiffness and pain have improved a lot more.   At least, it is not everyday and not intense.

Concentration still need little improvement.

Emotions are good with some exceptions.

Anger and irritation gone for weeks.

 

Morning motivation improving again.

I still feel few blah mornings, but ok.

 

If I continue like this until next month, then I will continue my Tapering.  I just need to make sure those fear sensation doesn't come back....

 

My plan is to go from .0716g to .0714g first month and see if any changes before doing bigger cuts...

 

On 1/13/2026 at 6:57 PM, namastejen1 said:

Everyone holds their emotions in different places, but usual are more along the center line of the body. Interestingly night it’s where the vagus nerve travels. 

Hey Raymond, I haven’t been on here for a few days and meant that’s (not night it’s) from my post above. Sometimes, this iPhone has a mind of its own with autocorrect. 

It looks like you’ve been improving. That’s great! it feels good to be ready to continue to taper. I believe that’s where I’ll be in a month. So glad to see you’re singing is back. Do you typically sing? I’m a singer and enjoy it so much—especially the Psalms, hymns but musical show tunes are fun too. 

01/20/2026- ups and downs recovery process.... muscle stiffness and little cortisol...

 

Well, my sleeping is being better in the past month.  I have had more days waking up 530am, but falling back to sleep again until like 730.  Not everyday, but its being more than any of my last 12 months..

 

I have also had few days where my breathing is deep.  Those breathing moments were you are sleeping and feel this big calm breathing as you fall to sleep.  I have not had this feeling not even as I was in medication.  Healing is moving forward...

 

Today, I continue with my muscles stiffness on and off and work anxiety.  I really don't know why I get this work anxiety only in the beginning of my first work day of the week.  

 

I had a small cortisol again this morning too of head.

 

Somehow, I feel little more positive at month 13, but still feeling blah at the same time.

 

In the name of Jesus Christ, we will heal..

On 1/18/2026 at 9:13 PM, namastejen1 said:

Hey Raymond, I haven’t been on here for a few days and meant that’s (not night it’s) from my post above. Sometimes, this iPhone has a mind of its own with autocorrect. 

It looks like you’ve been improving. That’s great! it feels good to be ready to continue to taper. I believe that’s where I’ll be in a month. So glad to see you’re singing is back. Do you typically sing? I’m a singer and enjoy it so much—especially the Psalms, hymns but musical show tunes are fun too. 

Hello @namastejen1

 

Oh I am not a singer.  I just like to sing when in the shower. It just that I have seeing myself lately singing gospel music.  This is something I lost during my first terrible year on this journey, but I just had that experience again not to long ago ...

That's awesome, though. Sing away! God loves all of our voices 🎤

Are you going to be at one of the 1/26 meetings? I think you are a part of our email thread/Zoom meetings group to close out SA.

3 hours ago, namastejen1 said:

That's awesome, though. Sing away! God loves all of our voices 🎤

Are you going to be at one of the 1/26 meetings? I think you are a part of our email thread/Zoom meetings group to close out SA.

Hello, I have good things happening to me, but also bad symptoms and specially my muscles stiffness and pain.  It's up and down.

 

Crazy.....

01/21/2026- muscle stiffness and shoulder pain and many pain in different areas of body.....

 

Today, body feels little anxious but mind feels relax with few crawling sensation in parts of my face area.

 

Muscle stiffness and pain mainly on my left back shoulder, left upper arm with some type of pain pulses.  Left foot toe stiffness as well and little pain on right of lower back.

 

As I entered 13 months, I started to experience all these pain...

 

Goods

Headache gone for weeks now

Appetite back to normal for few days now,

I feel more positive but also blah sensation at the same time 

Work stress symptoms reduced a little bit.

I still can't deal with few conversations, but it is what it is ..

Body is anxious while mind is relaxed 

Head pressure being gone for long

Fear sensation minimal on and off.

Concentration on and off.

Cooking skills return

Cleaning skills on and off.

Reading only few books but not all.  Few books gives me anxiety or feelings anxious..

 

Sleeping patterns continues to be on and off too. However, at month 13, I have experienced more good sleeping days than any of my last 12 months.  I still wake up 530am, but I have many days were I was able to go back to sleep until like 8am....good improvement.

 

It seems I have developed a symptom patterns where I get bad but improves quickly too..

On 1/15/2026 at 7:20 AM, Raymond said:

Overall, I am feeling between good and better.  I have noticed that my brain is more relax than my 12 years on this medication.  I can feel like it's being free.  My body is still having ups and downs...

 

In the name of Jesus, we will all heal.

Hi @Raymond, stopping by to say hi on the new site now! I love that you are feeling more free off of the medication! That's just beautiful. It's a great feeling being off of these drugs. We are suffering still with tapering or discontinuation withdrawals, but keep the eye on the prize because your real life back will be worth it! You are pacing it well, and listening to your body with your tapers. Yes, thank you Jesus for the healing you are doing. 🙏

10 hours ago, HopePerseveres2.0 said:

Hi @Raymond, stopping by to say hi on the new site now! I love that you are feeling more free off of the medication! That's just beautiful. It's a great feeling being off of these drugs. We are suffering still with tapering or discontinuation withdrawals, but keep the eye on the prize because your real life back will be worth it! You are pacing it well, and listening to your body with your tapers. Yes, thank you Jesus for the healing you are doing. 🙏

Thank you for your words as I feel today very crappy.  This morning fear about work and getting fired is ridiculous.  I had to call sick again ..

 

I hope You doing well...I might go for a walk to let myself cry out to God...

01/22/2026- cortisol spike, morning fear sensation....

 

Definitely, it's being a little rollercoaster with many ups and down.  Having morning fear is crazy and when I call sick, my mind goes off thinking I'm going to be fired...

 

This morning, I texted my boss telling her that I don't feel good and won't be able to work today. She just said , message received....my mind went up thinking that I'm in trouble and I might get fired causing me all these anxiety, fear sensation.  When I usually text her, sometimes, she said , ok thanks and take care.  This time she said message received and my mind goes out the window.  

 

When I was at month 4,,5,6,7, this morning fear was gone.  My job did not cause me anything and I have as waking up motivated to work and concentrate.  

 

I really want my mornings to be back to normal.  I'm holding at 4.79mg and thinking if I will ever feel better again....

 

I feel like I'm trapped on a nightmare with no hope...

 

These exaggerating symptoms being on and off.   

 

I'm trying my best to be responsable at work. Since nov 2025, I have called like three times.  Before medication, I was never feeling this fear sensation when calling sick.  

 

I just want this to be resolved.  It seems that my holding will be for a long time.  I feel trapped on my own nightmare and this weather doesn't help me.....

 

Muscle stiffness and pain mostly on my left side of body...

 

Well I accept any words of encouragement