Yes, it’s normal to start second guessing your past. @Chippy calls it having neuroemotions; feelings driven by your WD.

Here’s a basic thing that’s happening to you. Your WD has created a very high level of constant fear in your mind. It shifts in how it manifests. Right now you’re afraid you’ll have lifelong depression. Yesterday it was something else. Tomorrow it’ll shift to a new fear. The fear is the one constant. All that changes is how it expresses itself. This is the trap anxiety wants to keep you in. Once you get past one specific kind of fear, a new one will pop up.

Instead of trying to address every manifestation , you need to work on reducing the background fear. The way to do that is to shift your attention from your anxious thoughts, using the tools I’ve mentioned before. Seeking reassurance for each thought your anxious mind creates will keep you trapped in the cycle. Work on the fear itself.

You are being so cruel to yourself with all your self talk, winding yourself up. Try to live in the present - not the past, not the future. Notice what's happening in your body without judgment, notice and observe what's happening outside, all around you - see what you can hear, feel, see, smell, taste. Practise mindful moments whenever you can. It'll give your brain a break.

Ty you guys. As you can tell I’m having a hell if a time managing this. These replies mean the world to me and I read every word and take them to heart.

4 hours ago, Need to End said:

It feels so much more serious than withdrawal. I’m scared

That’s the wd is one of the hardest thing you can go through, it’s not just wd, wd is awful as you are finding out. I don’t say this to scare you just to reassure you this isn’t you.

3 hours ago, Need to End said:

It gets confusing because I know I’ve felt down before and dealt with anxiety but I don’t recall anything close to this

Here is proof! This right here. All Neuro Emotions. You’ve got this. Don’t listen to well meaning but dangerous advice to meditate this further. Your body needs less drug not more. Look how hard you are working to get off this one. You don’t want more of the same but worse. Trust your body n2e.

2 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

This is the trap anxiety wants to keep you in. Once you get past one specific kind of fear, a new one will pop up.

@Need to End this the thing to avoid. Getting stuck in a loop. You can’t help the neuro emotions but don’t feed them by leaning into them or using them as a crutch. Accept them for what they are, just a symptom of the wd, but work where you can to not to add to them. So if you can go out of the house or bed and do some other bits then do that. Try to break that loop with the coping skills you have been shown. Not to fix the neuro emotions but to stop you adding to this by feeding them, also it will reduce the suffering some if you can apply these techniques.

You guys are 100% right. I’m just struggling fighting the fear and feeling safe . It’s like my brain is telling me you’re 47 and not healed yet so you will def be alone. I mean I just got a divorce, then a relationship that was 1.5 yrs long has almost fully fizzled and now it’s like who will even want to be with me and when will I even be healthy enough and I don’t want to settle - I never had this issue with women before but my brain is screaming it at me constantly.

You ever seen shawshank redemption? Spoiler alert Where morgan freeman digs a tunnel to escape prison? And every day he puts the dirt that he scooped out of the tunnel into his pockets and walks around the prison yard and dumps a little bit out into the field so they never suspect anything?

Recovery’s kinda like digging that tunnel. Takes a long time, feels like you’re never gonna get there, and also you always feel impending doom. But at the end, there’s freedom. Even if you have to chip at it a tiny bit at a time. And sometimes it feels shitty right up to the end.

3 hours ago, Need to End said:

You guys are 100% right. I’m just struggling fighting the fear and feeling safe . It’s like my brain is telling me you’re 47 and not healed yet so you will def be alone. I mean I just got a divorce, then a relationship that was 1.5 yrs long has almost fully fizzled and now it’s like who will even want to be with me and when will I even be healthy enough and I don’t want to settle - I never had this issue with women before but my brain is screaming it at me constantly.

The struggling and fighting are what's keeping you stuck or worse you're digging a deeper a hole. Are you seeing a therapist to help with the looping thoughts and rumination?

3 hours ago, Need to End said:

You guys are 100% right. I’m just struggling fighting the fear and feeling safe . It’s like my brain is telling me you’re 47 and not healed yet so you will def be alone. I mean I just got a divorce, then a relationship that was 1.5 yrs long has almost fully fizzled and now it’s like who will even want to be with me and when will I even be healthy enough and I don’t want to settle - I never had this issue with women before but my brain is screaming it at me constantly.

The likelihood that the mind will continue to scream horrible things at you under angry chemicals is very high and something you will have to continue to deal with as you have been doing so well up until now @Need to End

Just keep moving forward with lots of self-compassion, acceptance, and distractions, sometimes the steps will be so tiny that it will feel like you are standing still but remember that you are constantly moving outward.

Edited May 15May 15 by Fullhealing

5 hours ago, Need to End said:

You guys are 100% right. I’m just struggling fighting the fear and feeling safe . It’s like my brain is telling me you’re 47 and not healed yet so you will def be alone. I mean I just got a divorce, then a relationship that was 1.5 yrs long has almost fully fizzled and now it’s like who will even want to be with me and when will I even be healthy enough and I don’t want to settle - I never had this issue with women before but my brain is screaming it at me constantly.

A huge proportion of people harmed by these drugs have similar thoughts. Not exactly the same as situations vary, but very similar in nature.

I have had very similar ones throughout all of the years I've been going through this.

All I can really say is that plenty of people go through breakups in their 40s, and go on to live good lives. The issue here is your health and wellbeing, if you can get that back, everything is just normal life stuff which frankly is a breeze compared to any of this.

Thank you guys. I’m trying and working with a counselor. But like today was really hard . I was exhausted and dizzy all day on top of the normal stuff and also vomited at work again. I’m at 2.0mg right now and holding for a minute. I just don’t feel healthy on top of all the mental torture. That and my industry just got dealt another blow today further slowing business down. It’s like it just won’t stop and before this I could manage through this but it’s so dark and my brain is so foggy and I feel dizzy and disoriented. This is nuts it keeps feeling like something more than withdrawal.

4 hours ago, Need to End said:

Thank you guys. I’m trying and working with a counselor. But like today was really hard . I was exhausted and dizzy all day on top of the normal stuff and also vomited at work again. I’m at 2.0mg right now and holding for a minute. I just don’t feel healthy on top of all the mental torture. That and my industry just got dealt another blow today further slowing business down. It’s like it just won’t stop and before this I could manage through this but it’s so dark and my brain is so foggy and I feel dizzy and disoriented. This is nuts it keeps feeling like something more than withdrawal.

I know @Need to End everything feels like a knockout, that's how it is when the system is at war, there is no regulation at all, part of it is the terrifying thought that something is happening besides withdrawal but it's not, it just takes time, keep sticking to the current dose until you balance out, the last few cuts threw me into the abyss and I'm still slowly climbing my way up with falls.

Keep in mind, low doses are especially brutal but with patience, acceptance and time things will slowly get better.

@Need to End yes, it's absolutely brutal.

Everything else is secondary to looking after yourself as best you can.

5 hours ago, Need to End said:

Thank you guys. I’m trying and working with a counselor. But like today was really hard . I was exhausted and dizzy all day on top of the normal stuff and also vomited at work again. I’m at 2.0mg right now and holding for a minute. I just don’t feel healthy on top of all the mental torture. That and my industry just got dealt another blow today further slowing business down. It’s like it just won’t stop and before this I could manage through this but it’s so dark and my brain is so foggy and I feel dizzy and disoriented. This is nuts it keeps feeling like something more than withdrawal.

Sorry to read N2E, unfortunately when the nervous system is dysregulated further stress only makes things worse. Wish the world could stop for us sometimes to heal. You are doing so well. Just keep in mind this is a wd injury and don't allow additional fear to creep in. Remind yourself of how strong you are, anyone would struggle in this situation and I think you are doing really well personally.

A couple guys in my city in my industry did $14 mm in volume last month and I did $3.5. I am really anxious because I want to get to those numbers but I feel like I have to sit in the sidelines and wait this whole thing out and the financial security would make such a huge difference

3 hours ago, Need to End said:

A couple guys in my city in my industry did $14 mm in volume last month and I did $3.5. I am really anxious because I want to get to those numbers but I feel like I have to sit in the sidelines and wait this whole thing out and the financial security would make such a huge difference

You can only manage what you can mange n2e. Just be ok with where you are, for the minute would be my thoughts.

Job performance is nothing compared to your health.

A couple of years ago someone could have handed me lifechanging amounts of money and it would have made no difference as I was bedridden and suffering absolutely intolerably. I would have traded the money for my health back in a heartbeat.

It's difficult not to ruminate and overthink about these things in withdrawal, but they're not important compared to your health and wellbeing.

Thanks guys. I’m struggling with that and my age and then also worrying about who my ex might date. We spent time together again tonight and I truly love her - I feel like I’m going to completely lose her not ever make the money I made again. And it’s all too much to contemplate every day. I’m losing so much and I really love her. We are not “dating” but we spend time together regularly and text pretty regularly . I don’t want to keep losing everything to this stupid withdrawal.

30 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Thanks guys. I’m struggling with that and my age and then also worrying about who my ex might date. We spent time together again tonight and I truly love her - I feel like I’m going to completely lose her not ever make the money I made again. And it’s all too much to contemplate every day. I’m losing so much and I really love her. We are not “dating” but we spend time together regularly and text pretty regularly . I don’t want to keep losing everything to this stupid withdrawal.

I know it's super hard to let go the sense of control but this process forces you to do so for a certain period of time, you can try your best and leave the rest, we in any case have much less control than we think, it's a good test of life but it would definitely be better if the timing was less sensitive.

Remember that it's temporary @Need to End you will gain much more in a healthy system with a clear head, time and patience, you will get there.

Edited May 17May 17 by Fullhealing

It’s soooo hard . I almost don’t know how to do it. I’ve been that way since before the taper. I feel like if I let go I’ll lose everything

Also I’m so confused on what to do with the taper since Prozac has been paradoxical for me. Holding hasnt ever helped that much. Ive been at 2mg for 3-4 days now.

4 hours ago, Need to End said:

It’s soooo hard . I almost don’t know how to do it. I’ve been that way since before the taper. I feel like if I let go I’ll lose everything

Also I’m so confused on what to do with the taper since Prozac has been paradoxical for me. Holding hasnt ever helped that much. Ive been at 2mg for 3-4 days now.

I know, a super hard blow to the ego to let go of this fiction but we learn as we go, very challenging but liberating.

If you are convinced that Prozac has become paradoxical then what you are doing is right, small reductions, although you will only know by experiment.

Please kindly update your signature in the last cut, it'll give others a clearer indication of what's going on @Need to End thanks.

Edited May 18May 18 by Fullhealing

@Need to End how many times a day do you take klonopin? Are you taking 2 x 0.5mg?

Yes 2 x .5 per day

And I’m so tired

And very dizzy