Hey Tracey, I am catching up. I am sorry to hear that your PT job fell through but you have seemed to rebound back with that hug in the mug--I love that expression. Tea can be so calming. You have lots of tools that you use, that work for you, and that's a great thing. It's telling of how responsive your nervous system can be to calming techniques-a healthy sign.

Other things will fall into place. One foot in front of the other, one task at a time. Blessings, prayers, and hugs, my friend!

On 3/2/2026 at 6:10 AM, Tracey said:

I am feeling vulnerable and frightened at the moment. I do have people I can talk to on the phone. My psychology appointment is in 2 weeks. 

 

Take care everyone and wishing you a peaceful day or night. 

Hi @Tracey These blasted drugs do cause us some havoc don't they? I am sorry to hear of your anxiety

and fear. This is the drugs, I have never in all my life known anything more life disrupting than those bloody

poisons. Now I am not trying to make you more fearful Tracey, SLOW taper is the name of the game for you.

The slower the BETTER, that way your brain will hardly notice it getting less. You will get less nasty symptoms

and slowly continue off the drug, and a healthy happy life will be yours again.🙏

Take great care,        B.🙏🤞🌷

Thanks for your wise words @Chippy, @Catbird, @namastejen1, @Marina, @NT1100B,

 

You are all so helpful and insightful. 

 

Great  Chippy reminder that this is NOT a linear journey.  I so often forget this and when doing pretty well,  get caught in thinking this is how it will be (good)  until I am off. So this last wave has given me an idea of what can happen at any time during a taper. I have a lot more respect for the fact that we really have to tread carefully. This means slowing down for me.  About not fighting it, I really try not to and rationally remember that,  however it just seems to take me over. I think is the fear and aloneness that really knocks me off my perch. 

 

Catbird I will check out the Designtoheal podcast thank you have great resources. I listened to a good one on the Mediherb podcast regards treating  brain concussion and there was so much overlap in what we suffer. It is the latest one (sorry not good at sharing links here). A good discussion on withania and rhodiola and why they don't suit everyone. I cannot use too much withania as it overstimulates me at night. Some people can, depending on sensitivity and level of depletion. Tonic herbs can overstimulate those that are too exhausted and highly sensitive (many people with chronic illness are).  Rhodiola can be similar, however they are can suit some people very well and are truly wonderful herbs. There are 3 other good herbs for the brain that do not overstimulate and I feel I have been helped by using one of them for the past 18 months (gingko biloba). We are of course not trying to speed up the taper, rather support and nourish body/brain. When I started taking it, the brain fog lifted and my ability to focus improved greatly. I think I was on 30mg or so. 

 

 

 

Thanks Jen, yes that is true I guess that I do respond to the calming things most times which is a good sign and one step at a time. 

 

Hope you are doing ok too  Marina and I really appreciate you checking in on me. Please look after yourself. 

 

Totally agree B that these drugs are just beyond belief in what they do. They are so horrendous, the trauma they can cause, and still the powers that be don't acknowledge it. You don't make me more fearful at all so don't worry about that ! When I learnt about all this 3 years ago, it gave me the energy to keep going. I was more outraged and angry which fuelled my quest to get off. I always wanted to get off, however finding all this out just added fuel to the fire. I also wish you a happy and healthy life, we all deserve that after this horror show. 

 

I think there has to be a silver lining the the heavy black cloud of withdrawal and one day we will see it. I am starting to get a glimpse of this amidst my suffering, although some times it is near  impossible to see. 

 

I will finish with a loving kindness prayer, may we live with ease, may we be healthy, may we be happy and may we all touch great natural peace. 

 

Time for a hug with a cup of chamomile tea. 

 

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Tracey said:

Great  Chippy reminder that this is NOT a linear journey.  I so often forget this and when doing pretty well,  get caught in thinking this is how it will be (good)  until I am off. So this last wave has given me an idea of what can happen at any time during a taper. I have a lot more respect for the fact that we really have to tread carefully. This means slowing down for me.  About not fighting it, I really try not to and rationally remember that,  however it just seems to take me over. I think is the fear and aloneness that really knocks me off my perch. 

 

It's true, we cant do too much to help healing but mindset is key. You seem to be really grasping all of this which is good. Don't worry if you slip, wave brain always kicks in, just have to shut it down and remember it's just a wave.

 

Yep slow and steady wins the race. Better to be stable and on the drug then rush off and end up in WD. 🙂 

 

We have a new tool to help calculate your dose which you might find handy. Don't think I shared it with you yet? Cutting Calculator 2.0

 

Basically all you need to know is the strength of your dilution/liquid you have made, so how much drug in mg is in 1mL......

 

Then you can then use the liquid calculator to work out each dose drop and get the required liquid needed for that, or there is a BM slide version if you go that route.

 

Chippy

 

 

2 hours ago, Tracey said:

So this last wave has given me an idea of what can happen at any time during a taper. I have a lot more respect for the fact that we really have to tread carefully. This means slowing down for me.  About not fighting it, I really try not to and rationally remember that,  however it just seems to take me over. I think is the fear and aloneness that really knocks me off my perch. 

Hi @Tracey I echo your sentiments after reading the above. I've been going along okay for 10 days and not long after waking today was hit with dearealisation, nervous system activation, and such a low mood. It was initially very disturbing. I briefly considered up dosing but decided to accept the discomfort even though I had to go to a doctor's appointment. I was so shaky and it seemed like the world was off kilter. it lasted about 6 hours and then I felt relatively back to "normal". I'm glad I did not allow myself to be seduced into some kind of action when I was feeling so emotional (fear and helplessness mainly). Making decisions in that state would have been wrong for me. It's just so hard to deal with these intense experiences. I was planning to try a reduction this Saturday, guess I'll be putting it off for a while. Definitely not a linear process!!

 

Thanks for the info on the podcast.

Hello @Tracey, just quickly checking in. 
It is very interesting what you write about the herbs. I will research into this. I’m always scared that things would activate me. Somebody recommended ginkgo to me for the tinnitus that I have developed during tapering. But I did not dare to take it.
 

11 hours ago, Tracey said:

I think there has to be a silver lining the the heavy black cloud of withdrawal and one day we will see it. I am starting to get a glimpse of this amidst my suffering, although some times it is near  impossible to see. 

 

I will finish with a loving kindness prayer, may we live with ease, may we be healthy, may we be happy and may we all touch great natural peace. 

Hold onto the glimpses! We all will do this together. 
 

thank you for the lovely prayer. 
 

take good care!  You are not alone. You’re on the right path. You will make it. ❤️

20 hours ago, Catbird said:

Hi @Tracey I echo your sentiments after reading the above. I've been going along okay for 10 days and not long after waking today was hit with dearealisation, nervous system activation, and such a low mood. It was initially very disturbing. I briefly considered up dosing but decided to accept the discomfort even though I had to go to a doctor's appointment. I was so shaky and it seemed like the world was off kilter. it lasted about 6 hours and then I felt relatively back to "normal". I'm glad I did not allow myself to be seduced into some kind of action when I was feeling so emotional (fear and helplessness mainly). Making decisions in that state would have been wrong for me. It's just so hard to deal with these intense experiences. I was planning to try a reduction this Saturday, guess I'll be putting it off for a while. Definitely not a linear process!!

 

Thanks for the info on the podcast.

Well we are suffering together @Catbird. I too am glad you could hold the experience and not resort to anything too suppressive. We have to remember our own wisdom and somehow trust. Very challenging. 

You did really well to get through this xx 

 

 

@Tracey thanks for the response and encouragement.,if it’s one thing the taper has taught me it’s respecting what my body‘s telling me. There’s more to it than that though, I’m feeling more emotions at this lower dose and I recognise I have control of how I react or respond. I’m very aware when I’m in a fearful state it’s generally not a good time to act on impulse.🤗

On 3/5/2026 at 3:50 AM, Nemina said:

Hello @Tracey, just quickly checking in. 
It is very interesting what you write about the herbs. I will research into this. I’m always scared that things would activate me. Somebody recommended ginkgo to me for the tinnitus that I have developed during tapering. But I did not dare to take it.
 

Hold onto the glimpses! We all will do this together. 
 

thank you for the lovely prayer. 
 

take good care!  You are not alone. You’re on the right path. You will make it. ❤️

Thanks Nemina , needed this and re read today. xx I will talk more about herbs when feeling better. Quality matters. 💚

On 3/4/2026 at 6:51 PM, Chippy said:

It's true, we cant do too much to help healing but mindset is key. You seem to be really grasping all of this which is good. Don't worry if you slip, wave brain always kicks in, just have to shut it down and remember it's just a wave.

 

Yep slow and steady wins the race. Better to be stable and on the drug then rush off and end up in WD. 🙂 

 

We have a new tool to help calculate your dose which you might find handy. Don't think I shared it with you yet? Cutting Calculator 2.0

 

Basically all you need to know is the strength of your dilution/liquid you have made, so how much drug in mg is in 1mL......

 

Then you can then use the liquid calculator to work out each dose drop and get the required liquid needed for that, or there is a BM slide version if you go that route.

 

Chippy

 

 

Thanks @Chippy,

Will look at the calculator and hope I can use it as this will really simplify things for me.

 

This wave is worrying me as it doesn't seem to be easing up apart from nausea which has gone. Frightening me. Guess my brain is in the danger, unsafe mode and sending messages over activating freeze, flight, fight mode and the physiology that comes with that. 

 

I have to move through this. Feels like a mild version of my CT protracted episode. 

 

Guess I just need to keep hope alive that I will make it. I can't and won't go back on the drug. I have come too far. 

 

I also don't want to be a burden here or to anyone else. I feel so needy of reassurance it is worrying. I don't want to cause others to burn out. 

 

Hope everyone has a peaceful day. 🩷

 

 

 

 

Boy I can relate to the “mild version of acute.” That is what this wave feels like for me also. Lots of echos are coming to mind from the horror of my acute phase. Although, truly, not as bad. My mind immediately goes to “what did I do to cause this” when really it’s just waves and windows. It always eases. 
 

Following you now! Thanks for popping onto my page as well 🙂 

2 minutes ago, AAoffZ_2 said:

Boy I can relate to the “mild version of acute.” That is what this wave feels like for me also. Lots of echos are coming to mind from the horror of my acute phase. Although, truly, not as bad. My mind immediately goes to “what did I do to cause this” when really it’s just waves and windows. It always eases. 
 

Following you now! Thanks for popping onto my page as well 🙂 

Have to remember waves and windows. 
Thank you ! 

8 hours ago, Tracey said:

Thanks @Chippy,

Will look at the calculator and hope I can use it as this will really simplify things for me.

 

This wave is worrying me as it doesn't seem to be easing up apart from nausea which has gone. Frightening me. Guess my brain is in the danger, unsafe mode and sending messages over activating freeze, flight, fight mode and the physiology that comes with that. 

 

I have to move through this. Feels like a mild version of my CT protracted episode. 

 

Guess I just need to keep hope alive that I will make it. I can't and won't go back on the drug. I have come too far. 

 

I also don't want to be a burden here or to anyone else. I feel so needy of reassurance it is worrying. I don't want to cause others to burn out. 

 

My pleasure. Any questions happy to help with it.

 

Im sorry this wave is still hitting. 😞 It can take a while to get stable as Im sure you are aware. I understand this only feeds your thoughts and fears. It's a battle I get it. Ive been banging the acceptance drum this last couple of days so one more hit won't hurt! Acceptance is key There are a few great videos in those comments which I think are great. Ive found this an incredibly important skill to learn in all this. A daily practice for sure and not a destination but worth a look if you have't already.

 

You will make it. Time is everything.

 

You are NOT a burden on anyone here! You are a very important part of this community and you are welcome to unload as little or as much as you need 🙂 We are all in this together.

 

xxxx

14 hours ago, Tracey said:

Guess I just need to keep hope alive that I will make it. I can't and won't go back on the drug. I have come too far. 

 

I also don't want to be a burden here or to anyone else. I feel so needy of reassurance it is worrying. I don't want to cause others to burn out. 

 

Hope everyone has a peaceful day. 🩷

 

 

You are not a burden at all! I always love to read your posts. You are very thoughtful and sensitive woman. I’m so happy you are here!

 

your wave will not be endless. You will be  much better again, maybe soon! And as long as it lasts, we are here with you.

@Tracey, you're not a burden- that's what this place is for.

Really struggling with bad wave. Only 2 hours sleep last night. 

Cortisol all the time but can settle when I go to bed and meditate. 
Almost lie CT, no dose change. 

Pat 3 days have been dreadful. 

Why am I getting worse? 

Protracted from my drop end of December? 

Thought I was getting better but hit me 4 days ago. 

Feeling scared (as usual) and alone. 

Haven't taken/changed  anything that may  cause this. 

Death warmed up after no sleep. 

32 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Really struggling with bad wave. Only 2 hours sleep last night. 

Cortisol all the time but can settle when I go to bed and meditate. 
Almost lie CT, no dose change. 

Pat 3 days have been dreadful. 

Why am I getting worse? 

Protracted from my drop end of December? 

Thought I was getting better but hit me 4 days ago. 

Feeling scared (as usual) and alone. 

Haven't taken/changed  anything that may  cause this. 

Death warmed up after no sleep. 

This sounds like sheer torture @Tracey all amplified by lack of sleep. When I had to hold last April - July I definitely got worse before I got better. I was cognitively worse, constantly activated by adrenaline and other hormones and I had a lot of nausea and projectile vomiting.  Emonda from SA said I'd been tapering in a linear fashion and there was a backlog of symptoms which had accumulated (I don't really understand the underlying mechanisms). I also had a brief return of SVT and a couple of evenings I was in a dissociative state and just felt really discombobulated — then suddenly one day I was on an even keel. Up until recently the micro taper method has helped me remain relatively stable.  I've only just recently encountered a new level of difficulty. It may be you just need to time to achieve a sense of stability whereby you feel a certain level of control.

 

Happy for others to share their thoughts or experiences here. It truly is a terrible and lonely state to endure. 

 

The most common suggestion ive read on these forums is it takes time and support from family, friends and therapists. I do hope you feel better soon.  Take care and reach out when you need to 💕🤗

1 hour ago, Tracey said:

Really struggling with bad wave. Only 2 hours sleep last night. 

Cortisol all the time but can settle when I go to bed and meditate. 
Almost lie CT, no dose change. 

Pat 3 days have been dreadful. 

Why am I getting worse? 

Protracted from my drop end of December? 

Thought I was getting better but hit me 4 days ago. 

Feeling scared (as usual) and alone. 

Haven't taken/changed  anything that may  cause this. 

Death warmed up after no sleep. 

I’m so sorry Tracey. Waves and windows are real aren’t they! The lack of sleep makes it feel so much worse I know! It’s your body stabilising. Things will settle for you soon I’m sure. Thinking of you. 

Hey @Tracey

 

Just thought I’d stop by and check in again. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so badly. I’m not ashamed to admit that as a 54 year old man, I was scared and lonely  too, I think most of us have felt that way.
What you’re going through is hideous, I’ve been there as many others have. It will get better for you with time. I was acutely ill for quite a while, my last big wave was the worst one. When it ended I found I still had my baseline symptoms but I was in much better shape, the best I had been since it had all started. 
 

Catbird is right, certainly from my experience, the lack of sleep seemed to amplify my baseline symptoms. Sleep deprivation was historically used as a form of torture and I can see why! 
 

Just do what you can to get through each day. If that’s just eating and drinking then that’s good enough. Do you have people supporting you? 
 

Thinking of you 

Edited March 9Mar 9 by NBJ71

Oh @Tracey, I am so very sorry for your suffering! I wish I could come over and help you a bit. Just sit with you. So I try to do it virtually. Please know that you are not alone. ❤️‍🩹

feeling alone and scared is terrible. Maybe it’s one of these waves where everything seems to accumulate and then settles quite suddenly , making one return to a better baseline than before. I really hope it for you.

 

keep posting whenever you want. We are here to see it and to respond.

Thanks everyone. I have virtually no internet this week so I can't post much. 

 

Yes I too feel like a 3 year child, so helpless and afraid. A child that needs its mother for safety and comfort. 

 

I seem in a permanent wave worse past 5 days. It is an hour after I have taken my dose and I am ramping up again with cortisol/ panic/ adrenalin etc. 

 

Should I take a tiny micro bit off or keep holding. Very scared and stuck. Only just functioning in short bursts then rest again. The nausea is dreadful, then when it settles I have ravenous gnawing feeling in stomach.
 

Doing all the self help I can. Routine, normal comforts etc . Being alone here is making it so hard. I have people on the phone I can call but they are getting worried.

 

 Feel wired and tired but can't rest so well. 

 

Because of all my life stress I think holding would be best. Don't mind how long  this takes, just needs to be more tolerable/bearable. 

 

It is just over 3 years since I ended up so sick from CT and updosing from 0 to 25( too much).

 

Thank you for your support and understanding. 
 

Hope everyone is doing ok 

On 3/10/2026 at 1:09 AM, Nemina said:

Oh @Tracey, I am so very sorry for your suffering! I wish I could come over and help you a bit. Just sit with you. So I try to do it virtually. Please know that you are not alone. ❤️‍🩹

feeling alone and scared is terrible. Maybe it’s one of these waves where everything seems to accumulate and then settles quite suddenly , making one return to a better baseline than before. I really hope it for you.

 

keep posting whenever you want. We are here to see it and to respond.

Would love you to come and sit with me Nemina, virtual is better than nothing. I haven't been at baseline since Christmas. Long haul this has been. Hope I settle soon too. xx

On 3/9/2026 at 6:01 PM, NBJ71 said:

Hey @Tracey

 

Just thought I’d stop by and check in again. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so badly. I’m not ashamed to admit that as a 54 year old man, I was scared and lonely  too, I think most of us have felt that way.
What you’re going through is hideous, I’ve been there as many others have. It will get better for you with time. I was acutely ill for quite a while, my last big wave was the worst one. When it ended I found I still had my baseline symptoms but I was in much better shape, the best I had been since it had all started. 
 

Catbird is right, certainly from my experience, the lack of sleep seemed to amplify my baseline symptoms. Sleep deprivation was historically used as a form of torture and I can see why! 
 

Just do what you can to get through each day. If that’s just eating and drinking then that’s good enough. Do you have people supporting you? 
 

Thinking of you 

Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities @NBJ71. I think this is part of the problem, I don't have enough real life support. I live alone on a small farm. 

 

Glad you are getting through your own nightmare and found a better baseline after a bad wave. 

On 3/9/2026 at 3:16 PM, Chippy said:

I’m so sorry Tracey. Waves and windows are real aren’t they! The lack of sleep makes it feel so much worse I know! It’s your body stabilising. Things will settle for you soon I’m sure. Thinking of you. 

I hope you are right @Chippy. It feels like I will never get out, but I know that is normal thinking in a bad wave. 

I am settling down a bit now as I write on here. But it ramps up again so readily. 

My body didn't have a chance to stabilise naturally  3 years ago as I went back on. 

On 3/9/2026 at 2:32 PM, Catbird said:

This sounds like sheer torture @Tracey all amplified by lack of sleep. When I had to hold last April - July I definitely got worse before I got better. I was cognitively worse, constantly activated by adrenaline and other hormones and I had a lot of nausea and projectile vomiting.  Emonda from SA said I'd been tapering in a linear fashion and there was a backlog of symptoms which had accumulated (I don't really understand the underlying mechanisms). I also had a brief return of SVT and a couple of evenings I was in a dissociative state and just felt really discombobulated — then suddenly one day I was on an even keel. Up until recently the micro taper method has helped me remain relatively stable.  I've only just recently encountered a new level of difficulty. It may be you just need to time to achieve a sense of stability whereby you feel a certain level of control.

 

Happy for others to share their thoughts or experiences here. It truly is a terrible and lonely state to endure. 

 

The most common suggestion ive read on these forums is it takes time and support from family, friends and therapists. I do hope you feel better soon.  Take care and reach out when you need to 💕🤗

This is very helpful Cat. Could well be what happened to me plus too much life stressors. I think Emonda told me that too. I had been linear up at higher doses for sure.
Sounds like it took you 4 months to settle ? Has been 21/2 months now for me now. This gives me hope🩷. 

Edited March 10Mar 10 by Tracey

2 hours ago, Tracey said:

This is very helpful Cat. Could well be what happened to me plus too much life stressors. I think Emonda told me that too. I had been linear up at higher doses for sure.
Sounds like it took you 4 months to settle ? Has been 21/2 months now for me now. This gives me hope🩷. 

I certainly hope so @Tracey.  I feel powerless not to be able to offer any direct support. Being alone enduring such a terrible state must reinforce the sense of aloneness (not sure if that's an actual word).  I watched a YouTube video last night which I found really promising and I'll include the link below. Will try to check back in with you later to see how you're getting on 🤗🧡

 

Stop trying to heal