9 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with so much all at once. It's good you have a plan. Hopefully your house will sell quickly. Just take it one day at a time....

The most important thing is you have a beautiful wife and son. That's all that matters...not where you live or how much money you make. 

Try to take it day by day. Make sure you are staying safe...❤️🙏

10000%

Thinking about you.... please show yourself patience and understanding. This is not a choice you made, or anything you did wrong.

❤️🙏

Hey mate

 

Just been listening to another great Angie Peacock video. I thought the section at the end @ 37.00 really relevant to you.

 

A Benzo Taper Update: Healing, Reinstatement & Life 2.5 Years Later

Thanks a lot @Chippy, funny enough, I saw this video come up this morning and had it open on my phone to watch today when I got a bit of peace and quiet. @LostinCanada Appreciate you checking in with me and your kind words, thank you too. 

 

I have been doing a bit of reflection recently and have been asking myself about the reason I came to these meds in the first place. Since last Wednesday, I have had a bit of a surge in anxiety and OCD again, the same reason for which I previously took meds. It does make me realise that although I am stuck in the middle of a horrible withdrawal at the moment, I realise that I also have quite a bit of deeper work than needs to be done internally, I believe, if I am ever going to survive this ordeal. My mind tends to go to the worst-case scenario possible, and I obsess over intrusive thoughts and everything in between. I am not yet sure how I am going to manage this part of me; I still haven't figured it out, but I thought it was worth being transparent to you, as my forum friends know that before I tried to take Sertaline, I wasn't coping with my anxiety and OCD whatsoever, quite to the contrary. 

 

I know we all think of ourselves as the most complex cases, and that none of us can heal, but I do think it's also worth recognising areas of ourselves which require internal efforts too. Although I'll admit that the recent SI/Depression waves I keep having every weekend at the moment are definitely not linked to any of my existing conditions because I never suffered with that whatsoever. 

 

Hope you're both having a good day. 

 

I have found CBT is good...you could start with this free online workbook 

https://cogbtherapy.com/free-online-cbt-workbook

 

Check out these other resources as well.

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/210-reading-resources-tapering-cbt-recovery-what-books-have-helped-you/

 

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/265-self-help-resources-for-mental-health/?do=getNewComment

 

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/266-virtual-peer-support-groups/?do=getNewComment

 

I like to remind myself, thoughts and feelings aren't facts...we can rewrite the narrative.

 

Edited February 23Feb 23 by LostinCanada

1 hour ago, The_Taper_Man said:

It does make me realise that although I am stuck in the middle of a horrible withdrawal at the moment, I realise that I also have quite a bit of deeper work than needs to be done

Just by you being able to think and realise the issues you might need to work on, it's healing.   So, take this as your body is healing.  When I was on my struggles, I noticed my first glimpse of improvement was the fact that I was able to think about myself.   I lost the ability to actually think during my first months of this journey.

 

It seems your brain is definitely healing.  Your mind is slowly coming back...

 

So, you are healing....keep moving forward....we are here to support you on this journey.....

Thank you both @LostinCanada @Raymond - I really appreciate your words of kindness, you both have warm souls. 

 

Today was off to a good start, I took the advice from @Richie who told me to get up whenever I wake up and avoid staying in bed and going back to sleep again, the objective behind this is to face my cortisol morning spike head-on rather than try to sleep through it which could contribute to a higher baseline of morning/daytime anxiety that I have recently been struggling with. I managed it with extreme difficult because of how tired this low dose of Mirtazapine makes me. Saying that though, I am currently in one of my weekly window which always tends to present itself at the start of the week, I think this theory will be more challenged once I enter the end of week wave where I have repeatedly found myself in a very dark, chemically driven depressive state. I'll be sure to remember today in order to approach it from a position of strength next time. 

 

Although the day started off ok, it didn't quite finish well unfortunately. The financial worries around my current job situation are putting quite the strain on the relationship with my wife, we're both finding the situation incredibly difficult to deal with as we scramble to evaluate our options and what we can do to mitigate the inevitable financial impact we're about to endure from March onwards once my pay drops to 50% of its original amount. Having all of this mounting up on top of not knowing how you're going to wake up one day from the next is quite a thing to manage, I'll admit. I feel so sorry for her that she has lost her husband to all of this, that I am a shell of the man I once was, riddled with OCD and anxiety and a drug WD on top of that. Such a shame. 

 

I am going to attempt a return to work on the 10th with a view that I can somewhat integrate myself back into a 'normal life' and save what we have, at least if I try I will never regret the decision of not doing so. I am going into it with an open mind. Tomorrow I have yet again, another meeting with a psychiatrist who is going to gaslight me into all of this being my anxiety and imagination, I'll probably get the same line that I have heard over and over 'I have never seen this in my 20-30yrs of practice!!' - 'Yeah, thanks! Maybe you should have more patient-led care and invest in how your patients are doing after you prescribe these life-altering medications, you f*ck.' Apologies for the rant there, I chuckled to myself as I wrote that. 

 

Overall, symptom wise it hasn't been too bad but mentally it has been again, a very challenging day.

 

5/10.

Edited February 24Feb 24 by The_Taper_Man

Maybe something in here will help:

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/20161-how-do-you-talk-to-a-doctor-about-tapering-and-withdrawal/

 

10 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

Today was off to a good start, I took the advice from @Richie who told me to get up whenever I wake up and avoid staying in bed and going back to sleep again, the objective behind this is to face my cortisol morning spike head-on rather than try to sleep through it which could contribute to a higher baseline of morning/daytime anxiety that I have recently been struggling with. I managed it with extreme difficult because of how tired this low dose of Mirtazapine makes me. Saying that though, I am currently in one of my weekly window which always tends to present itself at the start of the week, I think this theory will be more challenged once I enter the end of week wave where I have repeatedly found myself in a very dark, chemically driven depressive state. I'll be sure to remember today in order to approach it from a position of strength next time. 

Hello mate. Great advice from @Richie you want to encourage a natural and regular circadium rhythm. 🙂 

 

10 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

Although the day started off ok, it didn't quite finish well unfortunately. The financial worries around my current job situation are putting quite the strain on the relationship with my wife, we're both finding the situation incredibly difficult to deal with as we scramble to evaluate our options and what we can do to mitigate the inevitable financial impact we're about to endure from March onwards once my pay drops to 50% of its original amount. Having all of this mounting up on top of not knowing how you're going to wake up one day from the next is quite a thing to manage, I'll admit. I feel so sorry for her that she has lost her husband to all of this, that I am a shell of the man I once was, riddled with OCD and anxiety and a drug WD on top of that. Such a shame. 

Im sorry to hear this mate. This is a hard time for you both it's totally normal to feel the pressure in any circumstances but while in WD it is much harder. She hasnt lost you this is all temporary and you will be back to yourself one day.

 

10 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

I am going to attempt a return to work on the 10th with a view that I can somewhat integrate myself back into a 'normal life' and save what we have, at least if I try I will never regret the decision of not doing so. I am going into it with an open mind. Tomorrow I have yet again, another meeting with a psychiatrist who is going to gaslight me into all of this being my anxiety and imagination, I'll probably get the same line that I have heard over and over 'I have never seen this in my 20-30yrs of practice!!' - 'Yeah, thanks! Maybe you should have more patient-led care and invest in how your patients are doing after you prescribe these life-altering medications, you f*ck.' Apologies for the rant there, I chuckled to myself as I wrote that. 

 

Overall, symptom wise it hasn't been too bad but mentally it has been again, a very challenging day.

Good luck with your back to work plans. I hope they go well for you.

 

Im not sure I would bother with a psychiatrist myself. Im not sure what value they add to you, or frankly anyone. A therapist sure might be useful to help with your OCD especially if you can find one who understands drug harms and doesnt gaslight you.

 

Hope you have a better day today mate.

 

Chippy 

Hi all,

 

Coming in for the daily update, today was a really good day. The meeting with the Psychiatrist is actually in March, not today! In retrospect, I got up, opened the curtains and the sun was shining with blue sky, first time I have seen it in months! I took the dog out over the fields, came back and bundled my son in the car for his chiropractic appointment with my wife which was enjoyable and funny but I had a lingering anxiety feeling throughout the morning.

 

A few hours later, I found myself flat and a bit depressive like yesterday and debating whether I'd ever feel happy again, I decided to stop worrying too much about it and not get in my head too much and carry on with the day...

 

We had some lunch and had a nice walk together as a family, upon coming home, I went into the garage as I needed to grab a hammer, as I did I saw the headlight of my bike underneath the dust sheet... I thought, f*ck it. I was feeling so good and managed to get out on the motorbike and have an hours ride through the country routes! That is something that I wouldn't have ever managed being able to do if you had asked me a few days ago. 

 

Finally, today I have been able to sit down and watch a bit of TV and relax for the first time in months. I still have some anxiety inside of me but its more due to the apprehension of the next wave I think or whatever else, doesn't matter. Overall I am not going to let it ruin this window and just carry on today with the view that whatever will be, will be. My wife made us lasagne this evening and after taking care of my son and putting him down to sleep, we enjoyed a nice dinner together. Wow, what a window eh... The stuff of dreams.

 

@Chippy - Thanks mate, I am hoping the return to work is 'manageable' but I have finally come to the conclusion that if it is too stressful and or I am unable to manage then I'll just need to accept that fact, I am going to try and avoid forcing anything further right now. 

 

@LostinCanada - Thanks for sharing the material, my Mum was asking me earlier if I had anything to share so this comes at a good time. 

Edited February 25Feb 25 by The_Taper_Man

Great update @The_Taper_Man

One thing is for sure... nothing stays the same on this journey... tomorrow always has promised of something better... We all need to hold tight to that.

Really happy for you. ❤️🙏

 

10 minutes ago, The_Taper_Man said:

Thanks for sharing the material, my Mum was asking me earlier if I had anything to share so this comes at a good time. 

Glad it helped. 💯

You got this bro @The_Taper_Man

 

🙏👊❤️

12 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

Wow, what a window eh... The stuff of dreams.

Properly happy for you mate! Wow yes what a day. More to come 🙂 

 

12 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

Thanks mate, I am hoping the return to work is 'manageable' but I have finally come to the conclusion that if it is too stressful and or I am unable to manage then I'll just need to accept that fact, I am going to try and avoid forcing anything further right now. 

Acceptance is key. Do what you can and accept the rest. Should be the moto for life really but in WD it's absolutely everything IMO.

Hi all,

 

Coming in for the weekend update, I haven't been on here in a few days as things have been progressing rather well. 

 

The past few days have been really good in terms of mood & energy and overall recovery from the reinstatement. I am actually on a level which leaves me feeling, finally after 4 months like myself again. @Richie and I seem to be on the same trajectory of healing as he reinstated at the same time as me and we're matching energy in terms of our progress. I still have derealisation but I am wondering if it is more brain fog more as a side effect of the drug. The first time I took mirtazapine at 15mg, it was one of the first things that I disliked and one of the (many) main drivers behind why I wanted to stop. It's a surreal feeling of being behind glass, I wish it would piss off as it is really frustrating when trying to do normal things. I am hoping that when I get down into the lower doses, this should let up a bit. 

 

With that said, I am heavily debating whether I start my taper on Monday by reducing a small amount. I want to take Mark Horowitz comments into account where he told me and I quote to 'not stay on longer than I need to be'. I am hoping that due to how my CNS has positively recovered from the recent assaults of all of the drugs I have had recently, I will be in a good position to tolerate a decent amount of %'s when I do decide to begin. 

 

All in all, it feels really good to be back in the drivers seat again and see 'me' again. I missed him. I drove 2hrs to come and see my parents this weekend as I thought it would be nice to show them that it's not always doom and gloom and what a good window looks like. Mum cooked us a nice veggie curry and it's been lovely to spend time with them both. 

 

Overall, these past few days have easily been 8/10. If it wasn't for the derealisation or brain fog (whatever the damn hell it is) then I'd probably be pretty much back to normal. 

 

Speak soon all, hoping you're keeping well. 

 

TTM

3 minutes ago, The_Taper_Man said:

heavily debating whether I start my taper on Monday by reducing a small amount.

My opinion is to wait a bit longer...I have never seen anyone benefit from a rushed taper. I don't think waiting a week or two, to see if this trajectory lasts, will affect you negatively. In fact, I think it will be better in the long run.

Of course you have to trust your own judgement and circumstances. ❤️🙏

6 minutes ago, LostinCanada said:

My opinion is to wait a bit longer...I have never seen anyone benefit from a rushed taper.

Thanks for jumping in @LostinCanada - I guess sometimes I just struggle with the fact of my taper taking me years to come off and dealing with the side effects for as long, it makes me look forward to at least removing it from my system bit by bit, I too have never seen anyone benefit from a rushed taper but I have also seen people take years to come off but still suffer when off... If only we had a crystal ball for the future eh.. 

It might not take years, but I think it would be very premature to have a few good days and then immediately interrupt that with more dose changes.

 

You're planning to return to work in 9 days. Focus on stability and getting your life back.

 

An ideal taper is one that doesn't destroy your life. Not everyone needs years and years, but I'd strongly recommend continuing to stabilise, being "you" again, living your life, and down the line coming off at a pace that does not destroy your life. That may not even be years, it might just be slower than previously. Everybody is different.

 

If you can live a "normal" good life in the meantime, you'll have to trust me that this is so much better than the alternative outcome of a quick Mirtazapine taper after short term use...

Hey @The_Taper_Man I totally understand your frustration at where you are in all this I really do, as I feel the same - short term use, wanting off asap, feeling I’ll be trapped tapering for years - but please listen to Luke, it’s very sound advice.

If things are getting more stable and you’re getting life back on track prioritise that first.

I really wish now that’s what I’d done.

@The_Taper_Man

did you have horrendous horrendous effects from mirtazapine that got better after you held long enough?

 

I reduced even more trying to get away from all of the deep electricity and shaking and weird activation all day, long and sometimes throughout the night

I haven’t had any of the really deep painful electricity since coming down to 14.7 from 15 mg, but I feel like I’m in very very uncomfortable with withdrawal. I don’t know if everything’s going to even out and I’m just going to end up with those same deep painful electrical feelings anyway.

Just wondering if all of that activation and painful neurological experience is just going to keep repeating as I go down after the brain goes through the withdrawal process.

I would’ve just held it 15 mg if I would’ve thought that all of that what seemed to be an adverse reaction would’ve calmed down

 

Edited March 1Mar 1 by Finni

7 hours ago, Luke said:

think it would be very premature to have a few good days and then immediately interrupt that with more dose changes.

 

You're planning to return to work in 9 days. Focus on stability and getting your life back.

 

An ideal taper is one that doesn't destroy your life

This is so well said. Dr H really focuses on the math but that only explains so much. There are so many factors involved physically other than SERT. On top of that, not all of us have the resources or support to just quit life and do a fast taper. You have a job, wife, child, home.

I have quoted Chris Paige (taper coach) numerous times: "stability is more important than cessation". 

I am realizing a proper taper is an art.

❤️🙏

Edited March 1Mar 1 by LostinCanada

12 hours ago, Luke said:

If you can live a "normal" good life in the meantime, you'll have to trust me that this is so much better than the alternative outcome of a quick Mirtazapine taper after short term use...

This a real solid piece of advice and I know its comes from a place of lived experience Luke, it just sucks that you had to go through it to remind others like myself of why its so important to slow down and live life before making any adjustments. 

 

12 hours ago, Luke said:

I think it would be very premature to have a few good days and then immediately interrupt that with more dose changes.

Upon reflection, I agree with this. It was only last Saturday that I was in a very intense and dark depressive wave which left me completely shattered for a couple of days after it because of how intense it was. It's easy to forget how bad it can get when you're in the middle of a decent, clean window. 

 

8 hours ago, Emsy said:

I totally understand your frustration at where you are in all this I really do, as I feel the same - short term use, wanting off asap, feeling I’ll be trapped tapering for years

Thanks so much for dropping by @Emsy

 

I know... it just sucks sometimes when I am feeling tired, can't remember anything because of my stupid cognitive fog. I always sit there and think, I really wish I could just get off this poxy drug and be done with it. Luckily, I have all of you guys reminding me of the right choice here... 

 

8 hours ago, Emsy said:

I really wish now that’s what I’d done.

What would you have done differently Em? Slow down instead of going quicker? 

 

6 hours ago, Finni said:

did you have horrendous horrendous effects from mirtazapine that got better after you held long enough?

 

I had every withdrawal symptom in the book and crashed really hard when I tried to taper off fast over 2 weeks back in January, I had a honeymoon period of 2 weeks where I felt absolutely great which was followed by: Panic, terror, sweating, total insomnia, SI, muscle pains all over my body, zero appetite etc.. too many to list. Since I reinstated 7 weeks ago, I am pretty much levelled out and back to 80%, I still get waves but they are a lot less intense now and I can function pretty much normally albeit just feeling a bit stupid and spaced out most of the time. 

 

In terms of your comments around withdrawals, from what I have seen on the other groups I a member of, they can rotate and cycle. A lot of people have some symptoms in withdrawal after a drop, they stabilise and then on the next drop they have different WD symptoms so its not going to 100% all of the time, trust me when I say that I really hope I am not going to experience what I did over and over again every time I go down....

 

5 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

You have a job, wife, child, home.

Thanks LIC ❤️ - Indeed I do, and I have loved connecting with them both over the course of these few weeks. It has been really nice. With that said, my job is not a given at the moment as I have mentioned how I struggle with the most basic cognitive tasks on most days, my job requires the utmost level of concentration and decision making. I am probably going to find it really hard to manage 30+ people whilst I am tapering off, let alone when I get to finally stopping... With that said, I am going to attempt to return back in a couple of weeks, you never know, I might actually be able to do it. 

 

5 hours ago, LostinCanada said:

I am realizing a proper taper is an art.

It looks that way, in retrospect and in an oddly satisfying way.. I am learning a hell of a lot more about my inner soul, mind and body due to this ordeal. I am starting to believe that I was put on this journey and trajectory for a reason, I have yet to figure out what that could be but it'll all come to light one day. 

Edited March 1Mar 1 by The_Taper_Man

10 hours ago, The_Taper_Man said:

This a real solid piece of advice and I know its comes from a place of lived experience Luke, it just sucks that you had to go through it to remind others like myself of why its so important to slow down and live life before making any adjustments. 

 

I simply had no idea at the time.

 

You do know, and armed with this knowledge, there is a reasonable chance that you can stabilise further and have a reasonable quality of life. Once you've achieved this, you can then make decisions calmly, slowly, and from a position of strength- not desperation.

 

Again, it might not be years and years, but in my opinion if your quality of life is good throughout this process, that's the main thing and getting off of the drug will come in time, if that's what you want.

Yes @The_Taper_Man much slower.

I halved my dose to 7.5mg after 3 weeks and had some WD so slowed down to 20/25% cuts holding for 2 weeks.

If I could go back I would have held for 4 weeks each time and made smaller drops, but I’d been on it such a short time I thought this would be ok.

I was listening to my body and in fact feeling better with each drop.
The awful anxiety, panic and insomnia I had before I started it in July were gone by the end of September, I was back at work after 2.5 months off, back out hiking and climbing, socialising etc, basically I had my life back.

Then I dropped from 1.5mg to 1.2mg middle of November and 2 weeks later the first wave hit. I think my 2 weeks drops were stacking up delayed WD.

Fast forward to now and 3.5 months later I’m still at 1.2mg, the waves have got progressively worse, I’m back off work, can’t leave the house except for short walks, can’t socialise, do the things I love.

I’m in a worse position than I was before I started Mirtazapine and the stress and fear of it all has brought back all my original symptoms on top of WD. I would take the Mirtazapine fug and being 80% there in life over this every time.
Everybody’s journey is different, this is just mine, but I prioritised getting off asap when for me, I should have prioritised my ability to function and enjoy life.

 

Slow and steady wins the marathon...this is not a race. I hope you are doing well today! It sounds like you have been doing well, which is fantastic. Now spend some time there before making any changes. That is what truly stabilizing is all about...feeling like you are more like yourself for a month or more before making any adjustments.

Blessings, prayers, and hugs, my friend!

On 3/2/2026 at 9:00 AM, Emsy said:

The awful anxiety, panic and insomnia I had before I started it in July were gone by the end of September, I was back at work after 2.5 months off, back out hiking and climbing, socialising etc, basically I had my life back.

@EmsyThis sounds very similar to the 'honeymoon period' I had when I initially fast tapered off, I felt great for those weeks and back like my former self. @Luke also experienced this too. From what I have gathered it seems to be the last bit of the drug being processed by the liver and it creates moments of euphoria, feeling good and a sense of great wellbeing.. All before the dreaded withdrawals hit, the fact that this mechanism even exists within these drugs serves as a reminder of just how cruel they are.

 

On 3/2/2026 at 8:24 AM, Luke said:

Again, it might not be years and years, but in my opinion if your quality of life is good throughout this process, that's the main thing and getting off of the drug will come in time, if that's what you want.

Agreed. It's difficult to tell how I am going to react and cope with the drops when I do indeed to decide but I am coming to the conclusion that I have little control over any of that anyway, worrying about future events seems largely pointless at this stage.

 

Update: Things have been progressing well, my derealisation has now become a lot less pronounced and my overall stress levels feel increasingly lower than they have been, I think my CNS is finally starting to appreciate the routine and stability I have been giving it over these past 7 weeks. I am still waking up with fog, cognitive slowness and occasional spouts of low mood but I haven't experienced any chemical depression in over a week which is a massive win for me. In retrospect however, it seems I have traded some of the mental withdrawals for physical ones, I am getting really bad pains in my knee joints and shooting pains in my stomach. My skin is flaky, really dry and red and overall I do not look that well, seems that mirtazapine is the drug that keeps on giving... 

 

I am still planning on my return to work next week, I am going back on a phased return (3.5hrs/day) with the view that I will be back to 100% in 4 weeks. Although, I am not putting any pressure on myself at this stage due to everything that has happened, it would be nice to see if I can at least function in somewhat of a capacity in my old role. I guess the only way that I will know for sure is if I actually jump in and try, my reservations around my performance still remain but I'll do my best. Hopefully things continue to go in this direction whilst I stay at 5.25mg, I am always concerned about my sleep being disrupted severely whilst I am off, it is always in the back of my mind but I guess if I stopped now it would be completely affected and collapse anyway so the only way forward, is forward.

 

I hope everyone is well and staying strong, we're all a collective and none of this will be forgotten. 

 

Speak soon,

 

TTM