Thinking of you, dear @Tracey . ❤️

Thanks dear @Nemina .

Hugs and love back xx

After a few okayish days with very little activation/ agitation, nausea or burning I am thrown back into an awful wave. Started yesterday late morning.

This is just becoming so unbearable. The fear and future dread is just unbearable. I had two good nights sleep then an awful night last night. Since the morning activation settled I have had the worst depression instead in mornings. The depression has always been there but gets covered up a bit with the activation.

I still miss my familiar old life 😢. So much grief and I can't help ruminating on the decision I made. I have created more stress and pressure for myself. But I somehow i have to trust it and my current life situation. It is just so scary. What have I done? a Perhaps I would have had to face this at some time up there in the future anyway. I am just facing it right now. I am trying to change my thoughts around my decision.

So frightened of this black hole I am in. Today is particularly bad after some of my best days. This process is just cruel.

I have to somehow keep going. I continue to feel very alone. This is just so hard to talk and write about, maybe triggering me too much. Feeling pretty vulnerable.

2 hours ago, Tracey said:

After a few okayish days with very little activation/ agitation, nausea or burning I am thrown back into an awful wave. Started yesterday late morning.

This is just becoming so unbearable. The fear and future dread is just unbearable. I had two good nights sleep then an awful night last night. Since the morning activation settled I have had the worst depression instead in mornings. The depression has always been there but gets covered up a bit with the activation.

I still miss my familiar old life 😢. So much grief and I can't help ruminating on the decision I made. I have created more stress and pressure for myself. But I somehow i have to trust it and my current life situation. It is just so scary. What have I done? a Perhaps I would have had to face this at some time up there in the future anyway. I am just facing it right now. I am trying to change my thoughts around my decision.

So frightened of this black hole I am in. Today is particularly bad after some of my best days. This process is just cruel.

I have to somehow keep going. I continue to feel very alone. This is just so hard to talk and write about, maybe triggering me too much. Feeling pretty vulnerable.

So sorry to hear this is still going on for you @Tracey . It may be this is not all WD, but a compilation of WD, the huge allostatic load you've been shouldering, grief and re-adaptation (seeking homeostasis). All this will take time to settle down. After burnout compounded by a workplace psychological incident it took me about 3-4 years for things to settle, especially the hyperarousal and hypervigilance. What you've been through is inherently traumatic. All the more reason for you to be super kind and caring towards yourself. I know firsthand how easy it is to weaponise things which we tend to do naturally to help ourselves like self guilt-tripping, self shaming, pushing ourselves to "get through this" etc.

P.S. I've just started listening to Binaural Sleep on Insight Timer each evening; it amazing how much more quickly I start to get drowsy.

Take care. I've been thinking of you lately 🤗🧡

29 minutes ago, Catbird said:

So sorry to hear this is still going on for you @Tracey . It may be this is not all WD, but a compilation of WD, the huge allostatic load you've been shouldering, grief and re-adaptation (seeking homeostasis). All this will take time to settle down. After burnout compounded by a workplace psychological incident it took me about 3-4 years for things to settle, especially the hyperarousal and hypervigilance. What you've been through is inherently traumatic. All the more reason for you to be super kind and caring towards yourself. I know firsthand how easy it is to weaponise things which we tend to do naturally to help ourselves like self guilt-tripping, self shaming, pushing ourselves to "get through this" etc.

P.S. I've just started listening to Binaural Sleep on Insight Timer each evening; it amazing how much more quickly I start to get drowsy.

Take care. I've been thinking of you lately 🤗🧡

Lovely to hear from you @Catbird . I hope your holiday was/is pleasant.

I think of you often also.

Yes big trauma for a sensitive person, made more sensitive and raw by tapering and moving etc.

I have to push a little bit as I have no one to care for me completely. The move decision was probably a bit hasty and a survival push, but it is done now and I have to hope it was a good choice.

My mum is helping a bit financially but my well worn neural pathways of fear and anxiety, that seem to have become so deep with this taper, are so hard to shift.

I would agree, it is not just the taper but it does feel similar to last time when I was so unwell in my first attempt (CT). I think it is both my life situation and hitting a dose that has shocked my brain a bit. The work thing did really rock me though.

Back to time, trust and patience hoping I don't 'lose' too much of my life in the process. Always wonder what the last 4 years would be like if I hadn't started the taper.

My psychologist appt went well. More reassurance from her (which I need in bucket loads). Somehow I have to accept the situation I am right now.

I like Insight timer but I find binaural beats a bit haunting. There is a yoga nidra I like by John someone. English accent.

46 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Lovely to hear from you @Catbird . I hope your holiday was/is pleasant.

I think of you often also.

Yes big trauma for a sensitive person, made more sensitive and raw by tapering and moving etc.

I have to push a little bit as I have no one to care for me completely. The move decision was probably a bit hasty and a survival push, but it is done now and I have to hope it was a good choice.

My mum is helping a bit financially but my well worn neural pathways of fear and anxiety, that seem to have become so deep with this taper, are so hard to shift.

I would agree, it is not just the taper but it does feel similar to last time when I was so unwell in my first attempt (CT). I think it is both my life situation and hitting a dose that has shocked my brain a bit. The work thing did really rock me though.

Back to time, trust and patience hoping I don't 'lose' too much of my life in the process. Always wonder what the last 4 years would be like if I hadn't started the taper.

My psychologist appt went well. More reassurance from her (which I need in bucket loads). Somehow I have to accept the situation I am right now.

I like Insight timer but I find binaural beats a bit haunting. There is a yoga nidra I like by John someone. English accent.

@Tracey It's good you've found a psychologist with whom you can relate. Yes time is a healer. Re Binaural sleep I don't find these anything like the Binaural beats which tend to be more stimulating. I think they're different frequencies, however it comes down to personal preferences. I truly do hope you start to find stability soon.

Dear Tracey,

I really like what Catbird has said about your symptoms not being 100% withdrawal but rather a:

2 hours ago, Catbird said:

compilation of WD, the huge allostatic load you've been shouldering, grief and re-adaptation (seeking homeostasis).

This makes sense. We know that if we weren't in withdrawal and we were going through just one of those things it takes a long time for things to settle. I know when I have an issue it seems to be amplified more than it should be.

So, as you say, time, time and more time.

You have had a window 🪟. This is great!! Your body is trying hard to recalibrate.

Keep being strong Tracey.

Think of you often.

Wombat

I am in a shocking wave for past 36 hours or more. Burning head, sobbing ( dry tears of anguish), burning chest , tingling. Fear I won't get through another day. Can't distract, can't get comfort.

Why did I have a few fairly good days then thrown into the worst ever? No sleep last night didn't help me.

29 minutes ago, Tracey said:

I am in a shocking wave for past 36 hours or more. Burning head, sobbing ( dry tears of anguish), burning chest , tingling. Fear I won't get through another day. Can't distract, can't get comfort.

I am sorry Dear Tracey xxx

30 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Why did I have a few fairly good days then thrown into the worst ever? No sleep last night didn't help me.

If only we knew! However better days are a great sign as you know, more will come, we must just hang in there till they come. Poor sleep does not help matters one bit! Such a warrior xxxx

17 minutes ago, Chippy said:

I am sorry Dear Tracey xxx

If only we knew! However better days are a great sign as you know, more will come, we must just hang in there till they come. Poor sleep does not help matters one bit! Such a warrior xxxx

Thanks @Chippy . I just can't get out of the negative looping thoughts and feelings. Wearing the neural grooves deeper in those negative fear based tracks. Will self talk saying I am ok, I will heal etc etc help me? I just struggle to separate a part of myself out of this when I am so engulfed in it. Can't do any good thinking when in it.

I am back feeling like I am reacting to my drug again (or sensitive to it on my bad days). But the burning, nausea and increased urination was almost identical when I reinstated at 25 mg 3.5 years ago and had all that wd trouble.

7 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Thanks @Chippy . I just can't get out of the negative looping thoughts and feelings. Wearing the neural grooves deeper in those negative fear based tracks. Will self talk saying I am ok, I will heal etc etc help me? I just struggle to separate a part of myself out of this when I am so engulfed in it. Can't do any good thinking when in it.

Looping thoughts are a real WD symptom all of their own, and of course trying to manage the fear whilst not having access to a 'normal' nervous system is not helpful. I don't think you are wearing deeper grooves into anything. The nervous system will heal without you, but anything you can do to reduce the load it has to deal with it helpful.

9 minutes ago, Tracey said:

I am back feeling like I am reacting to my drug again (or sensitive to it on my bad days). But the burning, nausea and increased urination was almost identical when I reinstated at 25 mg 3.5 years ago and had all that wd trouble.

This is always so tricky isn't it. When did things start to ease for you then? As you tapered? I know you jumped the dose around and tried to resolve things with big updoses after the 25mg RI? Guessing that made it all worse? Then reducing helped?

Can you tell us more in your own words now how that whole process went for you? From RI 25mg to updosing then tapering, when was it better when was it worse etc.....

You are clearly very sensitive to the drug, that little updose had a very dramatic effect on earlier this year.

13 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Can't do any good thinking when in it.

just remind yourself your thoughts aren't real, just thoughts from wd.

13 minutes ago, Tracey said:

I am back feeling like I am reacting to my drug again (or sensitive to it on my bad days). But the burning, nausea and increased urination was almost identical when I reinstated at 25 mg 3.5 years ago and had all that wd trouble.

is it just a current wave, or you been feeling for a while your dose is too strong ?

Thinking of you @Tracey. I'm glad to hear you had a window, even though you are back in the trenches again now that next window is coming for you 💜.

@Tracey I just read your latest posts and I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I know from my own experience how all consuming it can become when you're feeling this badly, and how hard it is to think clearly or find any perspective when you're in the middle of it.

I do think the self talk can help, but I don't think you need to convince yourself of anything when you're feeling this overwhelmed. Maybe it's enough to say, "This is really hard today." "I'm scared today." "I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't have to know today." Sometimes that's all I could manage.

And please don't let what you're feeling today make you question those better days you just had. They were real too. I remember there were times when I almost found the good days harder because I would finally feel a little better and then have it taken away again. It felt so cruel.

You don't have to find the positive or make sense of any of this today. Just get through this moment and then the next one.

I'm thinking of you. xx

1 hour ago, Chippy said:

Looping thoughts are a real WD symptom all of their own, and of course trying to manage the fear whilst not having access to a 'normal' nervous system is not helpful. I don't think you are wearing deeper grooves into anything. The nervous system will heal without you, but anything you can do to reduce the load it has to deal with it helpful.

This is always so tricky isn't it. When did things start to ease for you then? As you tapered? I know you jumped the dose around and tried to resolve things with big updoses after the 25mg RI? Guessing that made it all worse? Then reducing helped?

Can you tell us more in your own words now how that whole process went for you? From RI 25mg to updosing then tapering, when was it better when was it worse etc.....

You are clearly very sensitive to the drug, that little updose had a very dramatic effect on earlier this year.

17 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

@Tracey I just read your latest posts and I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I know from my own experience how all consuming it can become when you're feeling this badly, and how hard it is to think clearly or find any perspective when you're in the middle of it.

I do think the self talk can help, but I don't think you need to convince yourself of anything when you're feeling this overwhelmed. Maybe it's enough to say, "This is really hard today." "I'm scared today." "I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't have to know today." Sometimes that's all I could manage.

And please don't let what you're feeling today make you question those better days you just had. They were real too. I remember there were times when I almost found the good days harder because I would finally feel a little better and then have it taken away again. It felt so cruel.

You don't have to find the positive or make sense of any of this today. Just get through this moment and then the next one.

I'm thinking of you. xx

Thanks @RachelSusan . Very helpful.

It is enough to say those things for sure and I often do, but I probably jump ahead and worry about my independent future and how I will live a happy life again.

Having less burning and activation this past week , seems like something has shifted in that area of symptoms.

I guess what is happening now is the reality that is hitting home hard that I no longer have my own home nor the energy or hope or intuition to look at what next. I can afford to buy something but nothing like what I had as it doesn't exist here where I am.

I have serious concerns about turning my life upside down like I have and trying to find my place in the world again. This is a separate issue to the taper which concerns me, I am not sure how much wd mind is affecting me. Daunting at my age.

22 hours ago, SarahMc said:

Thinking of you @Tracey. I'm glad to hear you had a window, even though you are back in the trenches again now that next window is coming for you 💜.

Thanks @SarahMc . Seem to be getting windows despite my circumstances. At least I get a break.

On 9/8/2026 at 6:55 PM, Lighty said:

just remind yourself your thoughts aren't real, just thoughts from wd.

is it just a current wave, or you been feeling for a while your dose is too strong ?

It may just be a wave @Lighty . Really not sure. I hope it is a wave. Not quire ready to start reducing yet.

Thanks for dropping in n my page.

12 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Not quire ready to start reducing yet.

stability is better than going to 0, take it gently ❣️

On 9/8/2026 at 6:54 PM, Chippy said:

Looping thoughts are a real WD symptom all of their own, and of course trying to manage the fear whilst not having access to a 'normal' nervous system is not helpful. I don't think you are wearing deeper grooves into anything. The nervous system will heal without you, but anything you can do to reduce the load it has to deal with it helpful.

This is always so tricky isn't it. When did things start to ease for you then? As you tapered? I know you jumped the dose around and tried to resolve things with big updoses after the 25mg RI? Guessing that made it all worse? Then reducing helped?

Can you tell us more in your own words now how that whole process went for you? From RI 25mg to updosing then tapering, when was it better when was it worse etc.....

You are clearly very sensitive to the drug, that little updose had a very dramatic effect on earlier this year.

Things started to ease about 3 - 4 months post RI at the 25mg. They told me to go up to 100 mg increasing 25 mg every 2-3 weeks.

The derealization, insomnia, nausea, dreadful moods, fear of never getting better, heart burning, frequent urination all went away. The thing that did remain and I still have is the burning tongue but it greatly improved. It was almost unbearable at the beginning.

I felt way too stimulated ( just too active mentally) at 100mg so quickly dropped to 75mg. Then started the taper.

I guess the burning, nausea and increased urination I get on bad days now felt like a side effect of the drug hence me thinking too much drug or very sensitive to it.

And because symptoms were coming on more around peak plasma time I assume drug side effect. I do think some symptoms are drug or wd related, others probably not so much. A bit of a mixed bag.

The hardest reality for me to face is the likely fact that not all my troubles are wd/taper related but my deeper issues. This is beyond daunting as coming off or my wf settling won't resolve them. I have to take responsibility and do the hard work. I feel like rolling up in a ball and shutting it all out.

I have to weather this huge transition / change somehow. The hardest pill to take is the feeling of regret in the selling decision I made. Have never in my life experienced such deep regret. In am not known for being impulsive or irrational. but this feels a bit that way for some reason.

In summary I have a big mountain to climb and I can't attribute everything to the wd/ tapering. Wish I could .

19 hours ago, Tracey said:

Things started to ease about 3 - 4 months post RI at the 25mg. They told me to go up to 100 mg increasing 25 mg every 2-3 weeks.

The derealization, insomnia, nausea, dreadful moods, fear of never getting better, heart burning, frequent urination all went away. The thing that did remain and I still have is the burning tongue but it greatly improved. It was almost unbearable at the beginning.

I felt way too stimulated ( just too active mentally) at 100mg so quickly dropped to 75mg. Then started the taper.

I guess the burning, nausea and increased urination I get on bad days now felt like a side effect of the drug hence me thinking too much drug or very sensitive to it.

And because symptoms were coming on more around peak plasma time I assume drug side effect. I do think some symptoms are drug or wd related, others probably not so much. A bit of a mixed bag.

It sounds like to me and looking at your taper, overall you have been through a lot of big shifts in dose, your taper was fast for a lot of it too, I don't know if you held at all during that time or just pushed through. Overall though it would appear you are now very sensitive to the dose, even a tiny increase was too much. I really do hope that a good long hold settles things for you. You have had some really good signs here and there, just not enough yet. I think more will come given enough time.

19 hours ago, Tracey said:

The hardest reality for me to face is the likely fact that not all my troubles are wd/taper related but my deeper issues. This is beyond daunting as coming off or my wf settling won't resolve them. I have to take responsibility and do the hard work. I feel like rolling up in a ball and shutting it all out.

I wouldn't start to blame yourself for any of how you are right now Tracey, we have never met, but I can tell you are a deeply kind and gentle person and there is really no need to consider yourself troubled in any way at all. WD is very powerful and it lies to is. Don't listen.

19 hours ago, Tracey said:

I have to weather this huge transition / change somehow. The hardest pill to take is the feeling of regret in the selling decision I made. Have never in my life experienced such deep regret. In am not known for being impulsive or irrational. but this feels a bit that way for some reason.

I can empathise a little here, that yearning feeling for the thing you had that has now gone. WD teaches us to be present in the now, not stuck worrying about what we should have or could have done. There is only now and the choices that we make going forwards. Don't get caught regretting things you cannot change. Life is too short, and the potential for amazing things going forwards too great. Better days and things are coming for you. Just try to be at peace with your new reality and trust you made the best choices for you at the time and move forwards. Allow yourself to do that.

Sending lots of love Tracey xxxxx

On 9/8/2026 at 2:37 AM, Tracey said:

I am in a shocking wave for past 36 hours or more. Burning head, sobbing ( dry tears of anguish), burning chest , tingling. Fear I won't get through another day. Can't distract, can't get comfort.

Why did I have a few fairly good days then thrown into the worst ever? No sleep last night didn't help me.

It’s such a cruel process.

I have no doubt your system is going to settle. It sounds like it’s trying so hard! After it calms, then it might be overshooting again. My cns does that. Calm, then overshoot, then calm then overshoot.

It will eventually figure it out ❤️

@Tracey

does it seem like after calming the overshooting is worse than ever?

It does for me. Experiencing it today after 3 “better” days

13 hours ago, Finni said:

@Tracey

does it seem like after calming the overshooting is worse than ever?

It does for me. Experiencing it today after 3 “better” days

I thought that was happening at one point but not sure.

Hope you made it through your overshoot day. I am having a shocking day, worst for a week or more. Cruel this yo yo thing.

20 hours ago, Chippy said:

It sounds like to me and looking at your taper, overall you have been through a lot of big shifts in dose, your taper was fast for a lot of it too, I don't know if you held at all during that time or just pushed through. Overall though it would appear you are now very sensitive to the dose, even a tiny increase was too much. I really do hope that a good long hold settles things for you. You have had some really good signs here and there, just not enough yet. I think more will come given enough time.

I wouldn't start to blame yourself for any of how you are right now Tracey, we have never met, but I can tell you are a deeply kind and gentle person and there is really no need to consider yourself troubled in any way at all. WD is very powerful and it lies to is. Don't listen.

I can empathise a little here, that yearning feeling for the thing you had that has now gone. WD teaches us to be present in the now, not stuck worrying about what we should have or could have done. There is only now and the choices that we make going forwards. Don't get caught regretting things you cannot change. Life is too short, and the potential for amazing things going forwards too great. Better days and things are coming for you. Just try to be at peace with your new reality and trust you made the best choices for you at the time and move forwards. Allow yourself to do that.

Sending lots of love Tracey xxxxx

I held all my drops for 3-4 weeks for memory. Maybe the odd 6 week. I was doing quite well so felt confident with each drop.

Perhaps last year I could have held for much longer but still symptoms were fairly mild in comparison to this hit I took in Dec/ Jan. The mental stuff really ramped up and I lost my whole essence and sense of self. That has been beyond traumatic. I think I could cope with the physical once I realised it was wd and would settle and found small comforts.

It is the mental/ emotional that is so hard, but currently that is making the physical a bit harder to cope with.

You are so wise re the past, regrets and staying present. This is just so so difficult right now and creating much of my suffering. Why did I do an interstate move in the middle of such instability and make my life even harder. So much more is harder and now and doesn't appear to be helping. Living alone for so long and someone easily distracted by other people makes this change such a challenge to a fragile nervous system.

I left because I was not sure how I would ever do it in 5 or 10 years on my own and getting older. And i wanted to help my mum in the final years of her life and ease my financial stress. The latter is not quite working how I expected as I still have to buy another home and look after it.

The wd brain is not helping at all and it is so hard see a bright future ahead as I have been in this so long now and so much further to go. I also realise that crossing 0 doesn't open the gates to nirvana. Because I am getting so fed up with feeling so wretched I am losing the motivation of why I wanted to get off. I need some hope.

I must read the SA section on how these drugs affect psycho spirituality perhaps. That was one of my big reasons. I thought on the drug I couldn't access the deeper most painful/ difficult parts of psyche if I stayed on. There was a veil of sorts or a disconnect , very hard to describe. The idealist in me thought my life would be 'better' off them. What was happening when I decided to come off 4-5 years ago were some challenging changes ( relationship end, father with dementia dying, my animals dying, no stable work and other things).

Set myself a huge huge challenge it seems that often feels like a bit of a 'mistake'. I have chosen the hard road as I often do. My challenges would have been easier had I stayed on with the buffer the drug gave me and that never changing emotional state I had.

Your final few sentences about trusting myself and being at peace with my choice is comforting. Really made be feel safe when I read that. Just so hard to access. And have to find hope again as that has all but fizzled out. I have swung of being to far ahead most of this year to now being stuck in the past. What a change.

Long post , felt like writing as it can help my confusion. Always appreciate your generosity in sharing your wisdom @Chippy . xxx You give us all so much.

I am hoping the long hold will settle me, not much else I can do really. Keep hoping. Life is short and precious and I can't go on like this forever. It feels too long already.

So sorry you're still suffering so much @Tracey . Remember you're dealing with not just withdrawal, but burnout, grief and possibly poop-out. This will all take time. There's no point wishing you''d stayed on the drug at full dose 'cause at some stage it would likely stop working for you. This happened to me and set me up for a workplace related psychological injury in part because I was so depleted from the drug no longer working effectively - then came the "let''s just try this one and that one" and so on. Give yourself time, patience and grace. I suspect you do this with others and you deserve the same. 💕