7 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Gee I can't remember. You gave me two choices at the time that were .1 mg difference for memory. I went with the lesser one.Think I made a mistake with my signature . Think it was only .2 mg .

Yes that’s how I remember it. 2.5-5% of the dose so 7.2-7.4mg. You went lower.

Not that it matters now but for completeness I thought I’d mention it.

3 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Yes that’s how I remember it. 2.5-5% of the dose so 7.2-7.4mg. You went lower.

Not that it matters now but for completeness I thought I’d mention it.

Will try ti change my signature. Glad yiu picked that up. Your support is very much appreciated.

I just need a break to regain some hope and strength. My body is fighting for my life it seems.

@Bernadette , that prayer you sent was just beautiful. xx

And @RachelSusan thanks for your support as always. xx

12 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Will try ti change my signature. Glad yiu picked that up. Your support is very much appreciated.

I can do that now for you don’t worry.

12 minutes ago, Tracey said:

just need a break to regain some hope and strength

I’m praying you get this very very soon Tracey. This can feel endless. Remember it is not. Not at all. Xxxxx

15 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Will try ti change my signature.

Done for you x

@Tracey I'm thinking of you. I know it may feel permanent when you're in the middle of it, but feeling this way right now doesn't mean you will always feel this way. Sometimes the body takes a very long time to recover from everything it has been through. Just keep taking it one moment at a time. ❤️

1 hour ago, Tracey said:

I am too scared @Fullhealing as when I updosed .4mg to 7.4mg I waa very activated and didn't sleep at all for a few nights. I only did it for one dose.

I understand you here, I wrote that I am okay with my updose but yesterday the hellish flare-ups picked up again so I am starting to doubt if I made the right decision, I think we are more than anything experiencing kindling and it is likely that only a long time without any change will work in our favor.

I'm going to stop the process for now and take a front row seat in the waiting club, I really do need to give my system a proper time to lick its wounds.

I'm sorry @Tracey you are dealing with so much, I will pray for your relief, hang in there! Xx

Edited August 19Aug 19 by Fullhealing

9 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

@Tracey I'm thinking of you. I know it may feel permanent when you're in the middle of it, but feeling this way right now doesn't mean you will always feel this way. Sometimes the body takes a very long time to recover from everything it has been through. Just keep taking it one moment at a time. ❤️

This is very encouraging. I feel I am running out of time to function, that is the part of the anxiety. Financial stuff etc .. if I had more future stability I could sit it out. I yearn for a supportive partner, going it alone is really tough.

Thanks @RachelSusan

8 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

pI understand you here, I wrote that I am okay with my updose but yesterday the hellish flare-ups picked up again so I am starting to doubt if I made the right decision, I think we are more than anything experiencing kindling and it is likely that only a long time without any change will work in our favor.

I'm going to stop the process for now and take a front row seat in the waiting club, I really do need to give my system a proper time to lick its wounds.

I'm sorry @Tracey you are dealing with so much, I will pray for your relief, hang in there! Xx

I am sorry you are going through this hell too @Fullhealing . I would agree re kindling.

So will our body finally accept the dose as we hold ? These drugs are so powerful it is beyond belief really. Xx

I am praying for you also dear and we both need a reprieve. I wish we lived in the same street. Hugs and a cup of tea would be so lovely. This journey is so lonely. xxxx

50 minutes ago, Tracey said:

I am sorry you are going through this hell too @Fullhealing . I would agree re kindling.

So will our body finally accept the dose as we hold ? These drugs are so powerful it is beyond belief really. Xx

I am praying for you also dear and we both need a reprieve. I wish we lived in the same street. Hugs and a cup of tea would be so lovely. This journey is so lonely. xxxx

I am full of faith that the system will eventually adjust, we just need to trust it and give it time although I know how hard it is to endure this inhuman suffering and wait without being tempted by changes in the hope of quick fix, how wrong I was in that..

You will survive and thrive, dear @Tracey I am here by your side with a cup of tea and a big virtual hug 🤍

@Tracey

I understand, Tracey. I think the fear of running out of time would make everything feel even more frightening. It's hard enough to feel this unwell without having financial worries and the practical side of life hanging over you too.

I understand what you mean about wishing you had a supportive partner. I was very fortunate to have my husband and my sister. Out of all the people I knew, only those two really understood what I was going through, and my sister probably understood it even more than my husband. I was so grateful for both of them. I clung to them like life rafts in a wild storm, and knowing how much I needed them makes me realize how incredibly difficult this must be without someone beside you who truly understands. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone.

I wonder if there is any way you can put some of the bigger worries aside for just a little while and focus only on what is right in front of you today? I know that is almost impossible when your mind is racing ahead, but maybe just for today.

Again, only respond when you feel up to it. No pressure. I'm thinking of you. ❤️

1 hour ago, RachelSusan said:

@Tracey

I understand, Tracey. I think the fear of running out of time would make everything feel even more frightening. It's hard enough to feel this unwell without having financial worries and the practical side of life hanging over you too.

I understand what you mean about wishing you had a supportive partner. I was very fortunate to have my husband and my sister. Out of all the people I knew, only those two really understood what I was going through, and my sister probably understood it even more than my husband. I was so grateful for both of them. I clung to them like life rafts in a wild storm, and knowing how much I needed them makes me realize how incredibly difficult this must be without someone beside you who truly understands. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone.

I wonder if there is any way you can put some of the bigger worries aside for just a little while and focus only on what is right in front of you today? I know that is almost impossible when your mind is racing ahead, but maybe just for today.

Again, only respond when you feel up to it. No pressure. I'm thinking of you. ❤️

I would love more than anything to put those bigger life things aside just for a day. Today I am slightly 'better' and can focus on writing this.

It is the worry that is so debilitating. Not having my own house has made me feel dependent and vulnerable. I have awful fear thoughts of not finding a little house that suits me. I love sunlit, open places with some nature feel. Not sure I will find that here, too scared and tired to even look, fear of more disappointment. I just can't face it, so I will put it aside for now if I can. Then I feel irresponsible like I am not being proactive. Double fears. I have lost all faith in life.

Thanks for walking with me and understanding. My older sister is ok, but my mum and younger sister are struggling (fear probably).

Hope you are doing ok xxx

4 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

I am full of faith that the system will eventually adjust, we just need to trust it and give it time although I know how hard it is to endure this inhuman suffering and wait without being tempted by changes in the hope of quick fix, how wrong I was in that..

You will survive and thrive, dear @Tracey I am here by your side with a cup of tea and a big virtual hug 🤍

Thank you so much @Fullhealing . I have complicated things by moving to a place so full of past memories ( not all good) and very different lifestyle. What I had suited me but it was isolated and I couldn't be there forever.

I certainly could feel myself getting a bit better up there, in comparison to here. I have to be here for now and I did want to be closer to family.

Your faith helps me. xxxx

2 hours ago, Tracey said:

Then I feel irresponsible like I am not being proactive.

@Tracey I have thoughts like this a lot. Now I have to let those thoughts float on by. My whole life I've put pressure on myself to achieve and ii think it's contributed to where I'm at today. And the procrastination that goes along with it is torturous. Putting pressure on yourself and self guilt tripping are counterproductive especially when you're suffering already. Remember to be kind to yourself Tracey. No one here judges you 🤗🧡

Dear Tracey, you are doing so incredibly well. You are being very strong in very difficult circumstances.

A window will come and hopefully very soon. Now that the move is over and you are around family your body will start recognising it is safe, and it is time to relax.

I am amazed that the tiny little updose you did caused such an awful reaction. But we know these meds have rules of their own.

Time and patience. Distract as you are able.

Thinking of you, dear Tracey.

Wombat

4 hours ago, Tracey said:

Then I feel irresponsible like I am not being proactive.

Same as catbird. Then I pull myself back and realise there is nothing I can do about this and I have to just take it one step at a time regardless of what others may think. I have realised there is just no other choice. You'll know when the time is right to do more. For now, rest and be at peace xxxxx

4 hours ago, Catbird said:

@Tracey I have thoughts like this a lot. Now I have to let those thoughts float on by. My whole life I've put pressure on myself to achieve and ii think it's contributed to where I'm at today. And the procrastination that goes along with it is torturous. Putting pressure on yourself and self guilt tripping are counterproductive especially when you're suffering already. Remember to be kind to yourself Tracey. No one here judges you 🤗🧡

Wonderful insight @Catbird , thank you. I have always put pressure on myself to achieve like you. And I also procrastinate.

Yes I have let my self compassion slide quite a bit. I must come back to it.

I hope you enjoy your time away and feel a bit rested. You need a break after such a torrid time. xxxx

2 hours ago, Chippy said:

Same as catbird. Then I pull myself back and realise there is nothing I can do about this and I have to just take it one step at a time regardless of what others may think. I have realised there is just no other choice. You'll know when the time is right to do more. For now, rest and be at peace xxxxx

Thanks @Chippy , I just sighed a sigh of relief after reading your message. I need to hit the pause button.

I hope your head is not too painful. xxx

2 hours ago, Wombat said:

Dear Tracey, you are doing so incredibly well. You are being very strong in very difficult circumstances.

A window will come and hopefully very soon. Now that the move is over and you are around family your body will start recognising it is safe, and it is time to relax.

I am amazed that the tiny little updose you did caused such an awful reaction. But we know these meds have rules of their own.

Time and patience. Distract as you are able.

Thinking of you, dear Tracey.

Wombat

Thank you so much dear @Wombat xxx

Dear @Tracey , you have made it through very hard losses and big changes. You can be proud of yourself for persevering. Now is the time for self compassion and for recovery. Maybe this incredible journey will teach all of us some more self compassion and self love… sending you a hug, you are always in my prayers.

Thank you dear @Nemina , this move and the loss of my place in the world is so dark night of the soul. How I can ever heal and feel even a bit like my old self feels way of reach.

My grief seems so stuck and blocked. I can't feel it in my body to shift it. It seems to be just at the thought level. I so miss that real crying and endorphin release that used to come.

Always thinking of you Nemina xxx

Edited August 22Aug 22 by Tracey

Sending my love @Tracey hang in there, I know that sense of normality feels out of reach right now but it's a lie, it's there, it will happen!

Keep surviving the sec and pushing extra gently where you can.

We are all behind you xxx

Edited August 22Aug 22 by Fullhealing

58 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Thank you dear @Nemina , this move and the loss of my place in the world is so dark night of the soul. How I can ever heal and feel even a bit like my old self feels way of reach.

My grief seems so stuck and blocked. I can't feel it in my body to shift it. It seems to be just at the thought level. I so miss that real crying and endorphin release that used to come.

Always thinking of you Nemina xxx

Oh dear @Tracey , this is incredibly hard. We are never to forget that it’s chemicals that are torturing us. It’s not that this is ourselves. Your true self is in there and you will find , you will get it back.

Losing a home and all this adaptation is extremely hard, but you will be able to settle inside and outside. I am sure there is a lot of positive possibilities that will unfold in time , now that you are living close to your family. You just cannot feel it and see it right now, because your brain is screaming. In withdrawal, bad and sad things get bigger and the good things are hard to see and experience. I am living in very good and safe circumstances, but I’m so sad as if something was very wrong, nothing will ever get better, My world is a dark place…. But all this is not true. It’s in my brain. I can imagine this multiplied in your situation.

Do not believe that the dark thoughts , do resist them if you can. Things are better than you can see.

Sending you a big hug!

Big big hugs your way @Tracey xxxxx

3 hours ago, Nemina said:

Oh dear @Tracey , this is incredibly hard. We are never to forget that it’s chemicals that are torturing us. It’s not that this is ourselves. Your true self is in there and you will find , you will get it back.

Losing a home and all this adaptation is extremely hard, but you will be able to settle inside and outside. I am sure there is a lot of positive possibilities that will unfold in time , now that you are living close to your family. You just cannot feel it and see it right now, because your brain is screaming. In withdrawal, bad and sad things get bigger and the good things are hard to see and experience. I am living in very good and safe circumstances, but I’m so sad as if something was very wrong, nothing will ever get better, My world is a dark place…. But all this is not true. It’s in my brain. I can imagine this multiplied in your situation.

Do not believe that the dark thoughts , do resist them if you can. Things are better than you can see.

Sending you a big hug!

Thanks @Nemina , I am happy you have a good and safe situation. I fully understand how this chemical mind can paint everything so black.

Living with mum is safe and good (still adapting) but it can't be here long term. I need to find another house and I will not have anything remotely like what I came from. Adjusting to suburbia is painful and I deeply miss my big gum trees, granite rocks, kangaroos and big night skies. I had space and freedom.

Even if I wasn't tapering, this would be a painful experience. The chemical cloud just makes things so much more traumatic.

Part of me wishes I waited a few more years to move. Facing another drought felt insurmountable. I can only hope and pray that there is a silver lining on this dark cloud and that I didn't make an impulsive decision from a chemically altered lens.

I hope the new possibilities and positive aspects do reveal themselves as you say Nemina.