51 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Is it possible that I did permanent damage sue. I fast tapered over 2 month period initially?

Someone shared that they have read tapering too fast causes permanent damage?

You've asked that question before and you've always received the same answer: No, a fast taper or even going CT does not cause permanent damage. It may extend your recovery, but I've never heard of anyone having permanent damage.

You may have run across someone who thinks they've damaged themselves permanently, but again that is a common fear for people in the depths of WD.

As we've advised you several times, coping methods and practicing distraction is key. Concentrate on that and leave the catastrophic thinking behind.

is it normal for self esteem to drop during this?

Also, is it normal to feel worse mentally toward the end - my depression seems to be slowly getting worse and worse and hopelessness increasing. I can't tell if its the taper and my brain or if Ive just been exposed to 2.5 years of constant dread and loss and seeing others live normally that has worn me down to a nub but i am very frightened rn.

@Gaucho is it dangerous to drop right now feeling like this? I feel so depressed and constant crying, tinnitus is up and eyes feel blurry. My motivation to do anything is zero.

Edited September 14Sep 14 by Need to End

4 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Also, is it normal to feel worse mentally toward the end

Yes. That's anticipatory anxiety. People who've been taking an AD for a long time often feel anxiety as they near zero. Its the anxious mind's fear of the unknown. "What will life be like without my med"? "What if I don't feel better right away"? As usual, it comes back to coping strategies to help you handle the symptoms.

I don’t feel like I’m anticipating it - it’s more like I just feel worse mentally

12 minutes ago, Need to End said:

I don’t feel like I’m anticipating it - it’s more like I just feel worse mentally

The source isn’t as important as how you manage the feelings. Coping works regardless.

Thank you - I’m trying everyday it’s just so freaking much and life will not stop with serious pressure that requires my full functionality to address

4 hours ago, Need to End said:

Thank you - I’m trying everyday it’s just so freaking much and life will not stop with serious pressure that requires my full functionality to address

Yep it's a long road, a lot of us go crazy at times (including me 🙂), always work on learning new coping methods/tools that work for you and help you out, that's how you improve your dealing with things.

Edited September 15Sep 15 by Lighty

@Gaucho hey not sure if you saw my message yest. Im currently dizzier than usual (i think), depression seems a little worse (I think) and hopelessness and fear are up too (I think). I say I think because its so hard to track and life is really coming at me from all angles right now that i can't even focus on whats what.

If i drop is it likely things just get worse and i circle the drain even more?

I am so scared. Financial pressure is mounting daily and my industry is falling daily and the amount of expenses i have each month is significant. I don't see how to get through this. Even speaking is tougher right now and thinking is harder.

10 hours ago, Need to End said:

Im currently dizzier than usual (i think), depression seems a little worse (I think) and hopelessness and fear are up too (I think). I say I think because its so hard to track and life is really coming at me from all angles right now that i can't even focus on whats what.

Sounds like pauses for a little while would be wise N2E

Ty. I really am scared. Coping stuff is impossible for me I feel like Ive got so much against me and its too late in life that Im in hole I won't see my way out of. Every day is groundhogs day for 900+ days. Being all alone with all of this pressure and my industry crashing and my dreams dying or dead leaves me utterly hopeless every day. I feel like you guys think Im not trying. I am out of gas. Every day Im exhausted and I can't fix it. Everything has left me in my life and Im alone in an empty house and no future at this point. 47 feels too old to get back to where i want to be and I am not willing to accept a miserable life like this. Im letting everyone down and people also don't choose me anymore if they do they end up leaving. Holding is just prolonging this nightmare and cutting seems like maybe its making it worse too.

1 hour ago, Need to End said:

47 feels too old to get back to where i want to be and I am not willing to accept a miserable life like this.

I was in my 40's during WD and recovery. Its never too late and the situation is never bad enough to give up. You can recover and get back everything you've lost. I think I've shared with you before the branch of philosophy/psychology that says the Universe sends us what we're interested in, even if what we're interested in isn't what we want. Constantly reminding yourself of everything that's gone wrong in your life just reinforces the belief you can't recover. Any small distraction or positive affirmation will help break the negative thought cycle. You can do it.

Thank you. I am so sorry I need this much help its really bad. I don't know what else to say. What you just said is how I always was my whole entire life - and i manifested what i wanted. My brain just keeps reinforcing so many negative things about my appearance, age, mental status, anxiety, this taper, the fact that I have to work on klonopin after this so Im not even close etc... Then the real life issue with $$ and where that will leave me.

I appreciate every reply more than it probably seems and I don't want you guys to give up on me. Im sorry.

2 minutes ago, Need to End said:

I appreciate every reply more than it probably seems and I don't want you guys to give up on me. Im sorry.

No need to be sorry--we're all here to support you because you're worth it!

3 hours ago, Need to End said:

Thank you. I am so sorry I need this much help its really bad. I don't know what else to say. What you just said is how I always was my whole entire life - and i manifested what i wanted. My brain just keeps reinforcing so many negative things about my appearance, age, mental status, anxiety, this taper, the fact that I have to work on klonopin after this so Im not even close etc... Then the real life issue with $$ and where that will leave me.

I appreciate every reply more than it probably seems and I don't want you guys to give up on me. Im sorry.

I'd hold for now. Are you at 1.3 or 1.25? This isn't to say reducing would be bad, only that you have a lot you're dealing with at the moment.

I'm curious if you're still doing ERP or seeing your taper coach.

Any sense of what your Klonopin's been doing?

@Gaucho I’m at 1.3 for 15 days. I often wonder what would happen if I just got off this ****. My mind will not stop and life keeps feeding it plenty to churn - real actual problems that I don’t have the capacity to handle.

I think the klonopin does more harm than good if I had to guess but I don’t know. My face looks sickly and sad and tired on top of all this. Just sleeping forever sounds like the only option for peace. Just today the govt increased rates which further harms my industry.

I don’t know what’s causing what anymore. I see my taper coach Tomorrow. If it were up to her I think she’d have me hold indefinitely but I’m 2.5 yrs on and can’t do this much longer I’m losing my ability to “push through”.

Why do we all seem to have the same symptoms?

I used to suffer from intrusive thoughts of self-harm and harming my loved ones. They were very terrifying and lasted for 5 continuous months, then disappeared. Now, they have returned but i don't care

Edited September 17Sep 17 by lost4ever

I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve never had those exact symptoms you speak of. I don’t desire to harm anyone.

Guys is it normal that someone go through these symptoms for an entire 2.5 year period? I feel like most people here have shorter periods of intense symptoms but then periods of time where its easier and ;life is doable. Its scaring me that its been so steady and prolonged.

1 minute ago, Need to End said:

Guys is it normal that someone go through these symptoms for an entire 2.5 year period? I feel like most people here have shorter periods of intense symptoms but then periods of time where its easier and ;life is doable. Its scaring me that its been so steady and prolonged.

Everyone recovers at a different pace and in different ways. I believe @Luke has been dealing with intense and changing symptoms for several years, but he's been able to function despite that. Try to focus on your recovery and don't worry about comparing yourself to others.

I totally understand not comparing and for me its hard int this situation. The reason i do it is that every day is full of such panic and fear that if this is not what others have dealt with it would indicate that something else is going on with me which could help me find a solution. I just feel like the daily horror for this long is not the norm.

1 minute ago, Need to End said:

I just feel like the daily horror for this long is not the norm.

Sadly, it is very common. If you could make an effort to practice distraction or other coping methods the journey would be a bit easier.

I decided to hold today even honorary want to drop.

11 hours ago, mstimc60 said:

Everyone recovers at a different pace and in different ways. I believe @Luke has been dealing with intense and changing symptoms for several years, but he's been able to function despite that. Try to focus on your recovery and don't worry about comparing yourself to others.

In the coming days I will be 3 years and 5 months off of mirtazapine. It's only really in the last months I'd describe myself as functional really. I am now improving all the time.

It's absolutely true that people can go through symptoms for a very long time and then go on to recover.

See I couldn’t handle taking another year to taper off then waiting another 3 plus years to be fictional. That would end up being 6 years of torture - just can’t do it.

Now I spiraling like it’s going to take 3.5 yrs after I’m at 0.