Forcing myself out to work, can't keep wallowing in this awful wd juice!

Wishing everyone a bearable seconds.

1 hour ago, Beehive said:

@Fullhealing You've answered your own question ...This ISN'T my nature at all . It's chemicals 100% . I know none of this helps when you feel like you do ,but remember your mind and body have been hijacked by these chemicals, your symptons are not surprising considering the work that is being done inside your brain ,it's so complex!! I know you're weary you're tired and that's the biggie !! it's going to feel bleak hopeless but at the end of the day it's chemicals trying to find their rightful place . Stay the course my friend keep reminding yourself this is not you, being tired isn't helping . Be kind to yourself ,know that this will pass its a nasty storm but they eventually blow themselves out . You've got this your strength will overcome this never give up ..you are still there and you will be seen . With you all the way ,you are never alone ❤️🙏❤️

Bless you for the reminder, easy to forget while in 💕 @Beehive

@Fullhealing I know the feeling of despair. It is horrible and at the same time understandably.

I am glad that you speak out here in our safe and loving community. This is why we are here. Yo-yo is so hard to deal with. You think - now it is beginning to turn for the better. And then… no it was just a glims of a window. So hard to keep up the faith and the hope for more lights to shine. I am with you all the way. Praying that your suffering soon will diminish. And the windows will spread and give you some peace and rest.

Hugs xxx

1 hour ago, Haa said:

@Fullhealing I know the feeling of despair. It is horrible and at the same time understandably.

I am glad that you speak out here in our safe and loving community. This is why we are here. Yo-yo is so hard to deal with. You think - now it is beginning to turn for the better. And then… no it was just a glims of a window. So hard to keep up the faith and the hope for more lights to shine. I am with you all the way. Praying that your suffering soon will diminish. And the windows will spread and give you some peace and rest.

Hugs xxx

Bless you for the heartwarming words @Haa appreciate it so much especially with the knowing that you're in a harsh place as well, I'm so sorry for that, none of us deserve it.

I hope things are starting to settle for you and you are a little better 🙏

Much healing, peace and love your way.

Thank you so much xxxx

Edited May 14May 14 by Fullhealing

Update 8:00pm

Little better, dragged my exhausted body and troubled mind to work and gave a good few hours to the piles that were waiting, it took me twice as long as usual to do things but at least some of it was done, as stressful and annoying as work can be it is so much less than being locked at home eating my brain for no avail, will do my best to force myself for other things as well with the hope find the right balance over time.

Currently, body is pain-free although very restless and exhausted at the same time.

Head and brain are pounding with those awful tinnitus, I can literally feel how my poor cells fighting for their lives.. Later on short evening walk and hopefully some peace.

Edited May 14May 14 by Fullhealing

@Fullhealing I get you don't want to fester at home 😒 but please whilst you are in this phase don't push yourself too much ,it's great you managed to get to work but don't overdo things and set yourself back ❤️🙏

11 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Update 8:00pm

Little better, dragged my exhausted body and troubled mind to work and gave a good few hours to the piles that were waiting, it took me twice as long as usual to do things but at least some of it was done, as stressful and annoying as work can be it is so much less than being locked at home eating my brain for no avail, will do my best to force myself for other things as well with the hope find the right balance over time.

Currently, body is pain-free although very restless and exhausted at the same time.

Head and brain are pounding with those awful tinnitus, I can literally feel how my poor cells fighting for their lives..

That's it, short evening walk soon and then hopefully some peace.

FWIW, when I was in the middle of WD in 2007, I somehow managed to win a performance bonus for completing a couple projects to my boss' satisfaction. I was convinced I was barely making it, but the reality was quite different!

1 hour ago, Beehive said:

@Fullhealing I get you don't want to fester at home 😒 but please whilst you are in this phase don't push yourself too much ,it's great you managed to get to work but don't overdo things and set yourself back ❤️🙏

That fine line, so tricky isn't it? at this point nothing feels worse than being isolated in a rotting mess of symptoms while the mind is well fed from it like a king's feast and produces more horrors, such an unbearable loop.. hopefully, holding on to the same dosage long enough will loosen things up a bit.

How was you day? good one hopefully 🙏🩷 @Beehive

Edited May 14May 14 by Fullhealing

@Fullhealing Absolutely its unbearable and made even worse the fact we don't know how long it's going to last ,its that not being in control feeling ,no one likes that .it's unbearable and scary as it's taken you away from who you are ,that comfort that safety of knowing and feeling who we are gets taken away and leaves us feeling scared and vulnerable.,full of Insecurities. Though at the end of the day ,we are still there it's all a chemical illusion falsely making us believe all the horrors are real ,but they are not real, it's just work in progress .The horror story is an illusion we have to see through it's lies we have to have absolute belief that this will pass and believe me when i say it will .You are still on the right path and I am right next to you ❤️🤝❤️ im still good thank you for asking ❤️

Edited May 14May 14 by Beehive

15 minutes ago, Beehive said:

@Fullhealing Absolutely its unbearable and made even worse the fact we don't know how long it's going to last ,its that not being in control feeling ,no one likes that .it's unbearable and scary as it's taken you away from who you are ,that comfort that safety of knowing and feeling who we are gets taken away and leaves us feeling scared and vulnerable.,full of Insecurities. Though at the end of the day ,we are still there it's all a chemical illusion falsely making us believe all the horrors are real ,but they are not real, it's just work in progress .The horror story is an illusion we have to see through it's lies we have to have absolute belief that this will pass and believe me when i say it will .You are still on the right path and I am right next to you ❤️🤝❤️ im still good thank you for asking ❤️

So pleased to hear this!! may it stays as long as possible @Beehive thank you and everyone else for the lovely support, much appreciated 🙏💕

14 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Update 8:00pm

Little better, dragged my exhausted body and troubled mind to work and gave a good few hours to the piles that were waiting, it took me twice as long as usual to do things but at least some of it was done, as stressful and annoying as work can be it is so much less than being locked at home eating my brain for no avail, will do my best to force myself for other things as well with the hope find the right balance over time.

Currently, body is pain-free although very restless and exhausted at the same time.

Head and brain are pounding with those awful tinnitus, I can literally feel how my poor cells fighting for their lives.. Later on short evening walk and hopefully some peace.

Hope things are still a little better today @Fullhealing xxxx

31 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Hope things are still a little better today @Fullhealing xxxx

Thankfully they are, thank you lovely @Chippy hopefully for you as well xxxx

17 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Thankfully they are, thank you lovely @Chippy hopefully for you as well xxxx

Good to hear! Im not too bad, heads a bit burnt but Im ok, back is quite alot better, a little fragile but much better. Another day closer.

26 minutes ago, Chippy said:

Good to hear! Im not too bad, heads a bit burnt but Im ok, back is quite alot better, a little fragile but much better. Another day closer.

Glad to hear @Chippy still be gentle with your moves, our body struggles a lot with this inner constant war xx

Edited May 15May 15 by Fullhealing

2 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Glad to hear @Chippy still be gentle with your moves, our body struggles a lot with this inner constant war xx

I will do. Slow and steady but keep the oil moving so not to seize up!

Update 10:00pm

Night, slept okay for about 6 hours with a few awakenings which is already the norm.

The day went well, pretty stable mood, some gardening, housework, etc.

mentally, much better physically, the extreme fatigue along with the burning brain have almost completely subsided, however, digestion is extra terrible today along with sharp stomach pains for a few minutes at a time but it may be nothing more than homemade hummus that has been sitting in the fridge for a little too long.. 🤦 mild joint pain that goes around the body and screaming tinnitus still.

So seems Impossible to hide from these nasty symptoms that are waiting in every corner, but overall, today was a significant improvement that I fully hope is a sign of a certain stabilization that will increase as I'm further away from the last cut, will see.

Update 8:00pm

Night, went fine with the usual awakenings but no nightmares or hellish cortisol, total of 6 hours of sleep.

The course of the day was relatively good, pretty stable mood no crazy fluctuations, physically except for tinnitus no headache, joint pain or mild burning, the sharp stomach pains are gone as well.

One of the things that sits heavily is my cigarettes, I talked about it before but God help me it's becoming so extreme, from 1 walking chimney to already 2 and my voice, which is already quite baritone is a second from a bass not to mention the burning throat and all the shit that comes with smoking.. such a hard poison to get rid of.. so we'll see, quitting completely is a battle I can't face now but I will try working on reducing.

So overall, significant improvement, if it continues like this I'll be pretty convinced that it has to do with the last cut which was probably too big, too fast. days will tell.

Edited May 16May 16 by Fullhealing

@Fullhealing You've got this ,in the face of adversity you have kept going and will eventually reap the rewards

3 hours ago, Chippy said:

Still on a rough run, up and down. I did my back a mischief again yesterday, like Dec but worse. It has eased over night but fragile. Exhaustion is back today. Not a good combo. Onwards we go!

10 hours ago, Finni said:

did akasthisia reduce as you got lower on

@Finni I am going to give you my experience as well. In my case, it did not go

3 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

he sharp stomach pains are gone as well.

This on issue with paraxotine. I have noticed that when I get this symptom, it's when fear and everything else hits me. On the bright side, that wave is being shorter and weaker. Last time, it last me like one day before I started to slowly improve.

3 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Update 8:00pm

Night, went fine with the usual awakenings but no nightmares or hellish cortisol, total of 6 hours of sleep.

The course of the day was relatively good, pretty stable mood no crazy fluctuations, physically except for tinnitus no headache, joint pain or mild burning, the sharp stomach pains are gone as well.

One of the things that sits heavily is my cigarettes, I talked about it before but God help me it's becoming so extreme, from 1 walking chimney to already 2 and my voice, which is already quite baritone is a second from a bass not to mention the burning throat and all the shit that comes with smoking.. such a hard poison to get rid of.. so we'll see, quitting completely is a battle I can't face now but I will try working on reducing.

So overall, significant improvement, if it continues like this I'll be pretty convinced that it has to do with the last cut which was probably too big, too fast. days will tell.

@Fullhealing , you got this. I admire the encourage you have in all of this. It's hard but in the bright side, you are on a very low dose and when your body start feeling good, you will be feeling more normal. I believe doses between 5 and 2mg are the hardest part of the journey. Your medication is only helping you not to have big waves. It seems your body is healing.

Keep moving forward....you are doing great.

31 minutes ago, Raymond said:

@Fullhealing , you got this. I admire the encourage you have in all of this. It's hard but in the bright side, you are on a very low dose and when your body start feeling good, you will be feeling more normal. I believe doses between 5 and 2mg are the hardest part of the journey. Your medication is only helping you not to have big waves. It seems your body is healing.

Keep moving forward....you are doing great.

Thanks @Raymond I agree with you on the extra brutal range, from around 4mg up to now the blows are especially hellish, I can only hope that below 2 things will go a little easier but time will tell.

Very glad that things so far are going smoothly for you and may it continue but if I'm not mistaken, you mentioned something like 2% in the next cut, it may be worth less than that, this cut of mine was at 2.2% and gave me a special bitter taste of hell.. better extra slow then sorry..

Edited May 16May 16 by Fullhealing

9 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Update 8:00pm

Night, went fine with the usual awakenings but no nightmares or hellish cortisol, total of 6 hours of sleep.

The course of the day was relatively good, pretty stable mood no crazy fluctuations, physically except for tinnitus no headache, joint pain or mild burning, the sharp stomach pains are gone as well.

One of the things that sits heavily is my cigarettes, I talked about it before but God help me it's becoming so extreme, from 1 walking chimney to already 2 and my voice, which is already quite baritone is a second from a bass not to mention the burning throat and all the shit that comes with smoking.. such a hard poison to get rid of.. so we'll see, quitting completely is a battle I can't face now but I will try working on reducing.

So overall, significant improvement, if it continues like this I'll be pretty convinced that it has to do with the last cut which was probably too big, too fast. days will tell.

Great to read @Fullhealing i agree on the smoking, just try to reduce but the battle to quit is too much for now. XXX

3 hours ago, Chippy said:

Great to read @Fullhealing i agree on the smoking, just try to reduce but the battle to quit is too much for now. XXX

Thanks lovely @Chippy we have to choose our battles very carefully in this process aren't we..

16 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Update 8:00pm

Night, went fine with the usual awakenings but no nightmares or hellish cortisol, total of 6 hours of sleep.

The course of the day was relatively good, pretty stable mood no crazy fluctuations, physically except for tinnitus no headache, joint pain or mild burning, the sharp stomach pains are gone as well.

One of the things that sits heavily is my cigarettes, I talked about it before but God help me it's becoming so extreme, from 1 walking chimney to already 2 and my voice, which is already quite baritone is a second from a bass not to mention the burning throat and all the shit that comes with smoking.. such a hard poison to get rid of.. so we'll see, quitting completely is a battle I can't face now but I will try working on reducing.

So overall, significant improvement, if it continues like this I'll be pretty convinced that it has to do with the last cut which was probably too big, too fast. days will tell.

Dear @Fullhealing. too hard to give up smoking while dealing with withdrawal. I am happy that you had a fairly stable night and day. I really hope the improvement continues for you. 🙏🩷

1 hour ago, Tracey said:

Dear @Fullhealing. too hard to give up smoking while dealing with withdrawal. I am happy that you had a fairly stable night and day. I really hope the improvement continues for you. 🙏🩷

Still relatively okay but who knows what the next moment brings.. trying my best to draw strength from the good and saving to the brutal.

Hang in there @Tracey this road is so tough but it will be okay, we'll get through this together, you are so strong!

hugs 💞

Edited May 17May 17 by Fullhealing