1 hour ago, Beehive said:

I'm in the thick of it at the moment definitely giving into second fear not mastered it yet ...woke up in tears and sadness felt slightly better then got hit with the cortisol shake up the type no amount of Epsom salt baths and breathing exercises will conquer I know I'm my own worst enemy regarding second fear it dangles its bait and yes I tend to bite ...must do better and accept it may take a while.  One day at a time that's all we can do 🙏

Lots of angry chemicals @Beehive sometimes we simply can't master it and have to wait it out, be gentle with yourself, you are doing great, there is no right or wrong, it is a continuous learning journey for all of us.

So sorry you are not well atm, hope it ease for you very soon!

Edited April 1Apr 1 by Fullhealing

4 hours ago, Beehive said:

I'm in the thick of it at the moment definitely giving into second fear not mastered it yet ...woke up in tears and sadness felt slightly better then got hit with the cortisol shake up the type no amount of Epsom salt baths and breathing exercises will conquer I know I'm my own worst enemy regarding second fear it dangles its bait and yes I tend to bite ...must do better and accept it may take a while.  One day at a time that's all we can do 🙏

It definitely takes time to manage all of it.  I do better when I feel motivated and energized despite the fear sensation.  It hits me when I lose those two positive feelings...

 

We will get there...

 

You are doing great.....

04/02/2026- continue my recovery....

 

Yesterday, I forgot to write down my progress.   I guess, I was feeling better to a point that I just forgot to write.   I spent the day working and concentrated in my job. I felt better despite the little headache in the late afternoon that came back for like an hour.  I was able to nap just a little bit without jumping into panic.

 

This morning, I woke up at 540am with minor head anxiety that was gone in seconds.  I stayed in bed relaxing and probably slept a little more. 

 

I feel positive and energized to start my day.

 

My morning fear is minimal and it seems that I'm slowly improving again, but I'm not there yet.

 

Overall, the last two days I have been doing well with minor issues and manageable symptoms.   

 

Let see how the day goes, in the name of Jesus Christ....

4 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/02/2026- continue my recovery....

 

Yesterday, I forgot to write down my progress.   I guess, I was feeling better to a point that I just forgot to write.   I spent the day working and concentrated in my job. I felt better despite the little headache in the late afternoon that came back for like an hour.  I was able to nap just a little bit without jumping into panic.

 

This morning, I woke up at 540am with minor head anxiety that was gone in seconds.  I stayed in bed relaxing and probably slept a little more. 

 

I feel positive and energized to start my day.

 

My morning fear is minimal and it seems that I'm slowly improving again, but I'm not there yet.

 

Overall, the last two days I have been doing well with minor issues and manageable symptoms.   

 

Let see how the day goes, in the name of Jesus Christ....

Update....

Feeling little anxious because my boss wants to meets with me.   I guess, I'm still having work anxiety.  However, not fear and not strong symptoms.   

 

It's crazy how normal things that I could handle before medication, it's just an exaggerated feeling now.

 

All will come to normal.... patience, patience, acceptance and more patience and acceptance......

5 minutes ago, Raymond said:

Feeling little anxious because my boss wants to meets with me.   I guess, I'm still having work anxiety.  However, not fear and not strong symptoms.   

Good luck in your meeting mate. I’m sure it will be fine. You’re doing great. Tough to juggle work and a family whilst going through all this. 

1 hour ago, Chippy said:

Good luck in your meeting mate. I’m sure it will be fine. You’re doing great. Tough to juggle work and a family whilst going through all this. 

Thanks @Chippy....it is hard to work, support, and go thru this, but I have no other choice.   It's going to be 16 months now ...

 

I think it's going to be a quick meeting and I think I know what the meeting about, but I am ok, but my body reactions is the opposite....

11 minutes ago, Raymond said:

but my body reactions is the opposite....

I get it. Chemical. 

41 minutes ago, Raymond said:

Thanks @Chippy....it is hard to work, support, and go thru this, but I have no other choice.   It's going to be 16 months now ...

 

I think it's going to be a quick meeting and I think I know what the meeting about, but I am ok, but my body reactions is the opposite....

You're doing so well taking care of all your responsibilities @Raymond it's very tough navigating all of it while withdrawing, be very proud of yourself.

Hope everything goes well with your boss.

 

31 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

You're doing so well taking care of all your responsibilities @Raymond it's very tough navigating all of it while withdrawing, be very proud of yourself.

Hope everything goes well with your boss.

 

Thanks.....my boss is really nice, but my body just exaggerate everything.   She was giving me a positive feedback and to help her in other things.... 😂 

8 hours ago, Raymond said:

She was giving me a positive feedback and to help her in other things....

Good to hear! It’s funny how irrational the wave brain is! 🤣

04//0402026- 4 days feeling a better despite waking up early but no fear or head anxiety......

 

Yesterday was another excellent day.   I was able to do few things in the morning and spent the afternoon replacing few things in wife car....no anxiety, no burning sensation, no headache, no fear.   I did felt like little angry and of course no feeling of enjoyment even though I enjoyed the day...

 

This morning, I woke up around 340am, but went back to sleep untill 6am.  I woke up with the head anxiety. The minute I opened my eyes, it was gone again.    No fear or burning.

 

My mornings seems to be so far more energized and motivated.  I have been feeling better than any other days from month 12 to 15 so far.

 

One thing I noticed during stressful situations is that I don't get anxious anymore.  I just get like hot and it settles down quickly and don't leave me anxious as it used to.   It still feels bad but not a strong symptom....

 

Also, it seems that I have more control over my mind too.

 

And it's my second day that I just forgot to write down my morning journey.   I guess I have been feeling better that I just don't do it....it's a feeling like I want to forget about all of it and move on ....I guess it's a positive sign......

 

I'm still little slow in the mornings, but I can tell it is not as it used to be.

 

Improving slowly.....I hope to continue improving and finish the car today...

 

Let's makes things happen and in the name of Jesus Christ, we will all heal ....

That was so good to read ,it nearly felt like a success story . What a great place to be in ,make the most of it . So pleased for you .

51 minutes ago, Raymond said:

04//0402026- 4 days feeling a better despite waking up early but no fear or head anxiety......

 

Yesterday was another excellent day.   I was able to do few things in the morning and spent the afternoon replacing few things in wife car....no anxiety, no burning sensation, no headache, no fear.   I did felt like little angry and of course no feeling of enjoyment even though I enjoyed the day...

 

This morning, I woke up around 340am, but went back to sleep untill 6am.  I woke up with the head anxiety. The minute I opened my eyes, it was gone again.    No fear or burning.

 

My mornings seems to be so far more energized and motivated.  I have been feeling better than any other days from month 12 to 15 so far.

 

One thing I noticed during stressful situations is that I don't get anxious anymore.  I just get like hot and it settles down quickly and don't leave me anxious as it used to.   It still feels bad but not a strong symptom....

 

Also, it seems that I have more control over my mind too.

 

And it's my second day that I just forgot to write down my morning journey.   I guess I have been feeling better that I just don't do it....it's a feeling like I want to forget about all of it and move on ....I guess it's a positive sign......

 

I'm still little slow in the mornings, but I can tell it is not as it used to be.

 

Improving slowly.....I hope to continue improving and finish the car today...

 

Let's makes things happen and in the name of Jesus Christ, we will all heal ....

Seems your system doing excellent on closing the gap from your last cut, wonderful, more good things to come.

Well done @Raymond so pleased for you.

Edited April 4Apr 4 by Fullhealing

04/05/2026- better day continues and recovery process...

 

 Yesterday was another better day.  It was raining all day until like 3pm.  One positive change that happened was that for the first time in 15 months, I did not get anxious or felt fear sensation in the rainy day.   Weather was affecting me as well, but yesterday's weather, I felt the opposite.  I felt good and my body just wanted to relaxed and sleep.  It's a feeling that I used to enjoyed before medication.  On rainy days, I used to just stayed in bed reading a book , watch tv or just sleep. That's how I felt.   Of course, I tried napping, but every time I napped my kids will wake me up.....lol

 

Another positive improvement that I gave been having in the last two days is the feeling of drinking a hot coffee.  I was a coffee drinker since I was 7 years old.  I will use more milk than coffee.  After certain age, I just drank decaf coffee in the mornings and evenings.   I stopped all of it after withdrawal issues.  Well, it's being two days now that I have this feeling of drinking a hot coffee.   I haven't done it yet, but I think I will try sometime in the next couple of days or months and see how I will do.   Thanks God, good has not affected me.   I have been able to drink or eat anything.   I tried to eat as healthy as possible and sometimes once in a while, I eat an apple pie.....

 

Another improvement is that I'm getting more courageous feelings in the mornings instead of morning fear.  Morning fear still in the background but more like a little noise.  I have been feeling positive, motivated, and just like more resilient again.  I hope this continues.

 

This morning, I woke up almost 6am with the head anxiety that last me a second.  I'm still in bed doing my morning prayer before waking up to the go a church about an hour and half from my home.   It's a traditional church info once in a while and family decided to go today.   

 

So, let see how I do today.  It's being about 4 or 5 days feeling better....I am waiting to feel better for five consecutive weeks before continuing my Tapering....

 

In the name of Jesus, we will all heal....

3 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/05/2026- better day continues and recovery process...

 

 Yesterday was another better day.  It was raining all day until like 3pm.  One positive change that happened was that for the first time in 15 months, I did not get anxious or felt fear sensation in the rainy day.   Weather was affecting me as well, but yesterday's weather, I felt the opposite.  I felt good and my body just wanted to relaxed and sleep.  It's a feeling that I used to enjoyed before medication.  On rainy days, I used to just stayed in bed reading a book , watch tv or just sleep. That's how I felt.   Of course, I tried napping, but every time I napped my kids will wake me up.....lol

 

Another positive improvement that I gave been having in the last two days is the feeling of drinking a hot coffee.  I was a coffee drinker since I was 7 years old.  I will use more milk than coffee.  After certain age, I just drank decaf coffee in the mornings and evenings.   I stopped all of it after withdrawal issues.  Well, it's being two days now that I have this feeling of drinking a hot coffee.   I haven't done it yet, but I think I will try sometime in the next couple of days or months and see how I will do.   Thanks God, good has not affected me.   I have been able to drink or eat anything.   I tried to eat as healthy as possible and sometimes once in a while, I eat an apple pie.....

 

Another improvement is that I'm getting more courageous feelings in the mornings instead of morning fear.  Morning fear still in the background but more like a little noise.  I have been feeling positive, motivated, and just like more resilient again.  I hope this continues.

 

This morning, I woke up almost 6am with the head anxiety that last me a second.  I'm still in bed doing my morning prayer before waking up to the go a church about an hour and half from my home.   It's a traditional church info once in a while and family decided to go today.   

 

So, let see how I do today.  It's being about 4 or 5 days feeling better....I am waiting to feel better for five consecutive weeks before continuing my Tapering....

 

In the name of Jesus, we will all heal....

Another positive holiday update Raymon! Must be catching!

7 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/05/2026- better day continues and recovery process...

 

 Yesterday was another better day.  It was raining all day until like 3pm.  One positive change that happened was that for the first time in 15 months, I did not get anxious or felt fear sensation in the rainy day.   Weather was affecting me as well, but yesterday's weather, I felt the opposite.  I felt good and my body just wanted to relaxed and sleep.  It's a feeling that I used to enjoyed before medication.  On rainy days, I used to just stayed in bed reading a book , watch tv or just sleep. That's how I felt.   Of course, I tried napping, but every time I napped my kids will wake me up.....lol

 

Another positive improvement that I gave been having in the last two days is the feeling of drinking a hot coffee.  I was a coffee drinker since I was 7 years old.  I will use more milk than coffee.  After certain age, I just drank decaf coffee in the mornings and evenings.   I stopped all of it after withdrawal issues.  Well, it's being two days now that I have this feeling of drinking a hot coffee.   I haven't done it yet, but I think I will try sometime in the next couple of days or months and see how I will do.   Thanks God, good has not affected me.   I have been able to drink or eat anything.   I tried to eat as healthy as possible and sometimes once in a while, I eat an apple pie.....

 

Another improvement is that I'm getting more courageous feelings in the mornings instead of morning fear.  Morning fear still in the background but more like a little noise.  I have been feeling positive, motivated, and just like more resilient again.  I hope this continues.

 

This morning, I woke up almost 6am with the head anxiety that last me a second.  I'm still in bed doing my morning prayer before waking up to the go a church about an hour and half from my home.   It's a traditional church info once in a while and family decided to go today.   

 

So, let see how I do today.  It's being about 4 or 5 days feeling better....I am waiting to feel better for five consecutive weeks before continuing my Tapering....

 

In the name of Jesus, we will all heal....

Update....

 

Feeling left side headache again and sleepy..

Very good @Raymond! It really sounds like you are on your way. I must say I have a regular coffee in the morning that my husband makes and that I drink during my prayer time. I will have decaf once later in the day. I enjoy the ritual more than anything. You might just be ready for some, especially some decaf.

 

A very happy, beautiful, healing Easter season to you! He is risen! ❣️

04/06/2026- cortisol and everything else recovery process....

 

Yesterday was a good day, but felt little agitated and little fear sensation on the background...I enjoyed all day with family...

 

I did have a headache and felt like slow for an hour or so....

 

I went to sleep around 10pm. Between 10pm and 550am, I woke up two times and had a dream.

 

I woke up with cortisol again with head anxiety and head pressure, but lasted as second.  Then, I stayed in bed and felt like I want to relax and sleep more, but I have to get ready to work... 

 

Currently, I feel more positive but little anxious and little fear in the background...

 

I feel hungry....

 

My mornings seems to be improving slowly, but still the worst part of the day...

 

Overall, Mondays are getting slidly better at work.  Work fear sensation minimizing like a snail, but improving..

 

Let see how my day will go today and at work.  

 

Jesus Christ will heal us.....keep hope, patience, and faith....

 

 

7 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/06/2026- cortisol and everything else recovery process....

 

Yesterday was a good day, but felt little agitated and little fear sensation on the background...I enjoyed all day with family...

 

I did have a headache and felt like slow for an hour or so....

 

I went to sleep around 10pm. Between 10pm and 550am, I woke up two times and had a dream.

 

I woke up with cortisol again with head anxiety and head pressure, but lasted as second.  Then, I stayed in bed and felt like I want to relax and sleep more, but I have to get ready to work... 

 

Currently, I feel more positive but little anxious and little fear in the background...

 

I feel hungry....

 

My mornings seems to be improving slowly, but still the worst part of the day...

 

Overall, Mondays are getting slidly better at work.  Work fear sensation minimizing like a snail, but improving..

 

Let see how my day will go today and at work.  

 

Jesus Christ will heal us.....keep hope, patience, and faith....

 

 

Afternoon update...

 

Chest anxiety and little pressure and ruminating thoughts...I'm trying to just work and I just can't concentrate enough.....

 

After work, I'm planning to cut grass and just try to get my mind off ...

Edited April 6Apr 6 by Raymond
Adding comments

04/07/2026- intrusive thoughts causing head pressure.....

 

Yesterday, I pretty much had an on and off day with intrusive thoughts.  My system still gets hyper reactive in normal stressful situations.   I could not concentrate much at work.   I tried to ignore everything in my head as much as I could.   Some anxiety feeling and some body anxiousness.  My mind was all over... I kept repeating that this was part of the healing process.

 

I went to sleep around 10pm as usual and felt right away asleep.   I woke up one time at night but went back to sleep.  Then woke up at the same 530am to start my daily routine.  I woke up with head pressure and just uncontrollable thoughts, but at least, I was able to just stayed in bed doing my prayers.

 

In the past two days, my main symptom is the head pressure from all these thoughts that are bombing my mind.  

 

Let see how I get today.  I haven't had a calm mind lately.   It's the brain healing.  I must keep going forward.

 

I hope things will eventually feel better.  I hope my mind and body gets some relief soon, and I hope those windows will be longer.   

 

Doni feel better than 15 months ago, yes, but I am still not where I will like to be.  I still react to normal stressful situations.   Am I getting there, yes, but it might take me more months since this is a slow process.

 

15 months journey and almost in my 16 months.   It is fare enough to say that after being on 20mg paraxotine for 12 years, it is my first time that I am 15 months in 4.79mg...the longest I have been at this low dose.  So, the brain definitely needs time to recover from this poison.....

 

With God, we will all heal.....

23 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/07/2026- intrusive thoughts causing head pressure.....

 

Yesterday, I pretty much had an on and off day with intrusive thoughts.  My system still gets hyper reactive in normal stressful situations.   I could not concentrate much at work.   I tried to ignore everything in my head as much as I could.   Some anxiety feeling and some body anxiousness.  My mind was all over... I kept repeating that this was part of the healing process.

 

I went to sleep around 10pm as usual and felt right away asleep.   I woke up one time at night but went back to sleep.  Then woke up at the same 530am to start my daily routine.  I woke up with head pressure and just uncontrollable thoughts, but at least, I was able to just stayed in bed doing my prayers.

 

In the past two days, my main symptom is the head pressure from all these thoughts that are bombing my mind.  

 

Let see how I get today.  I haven't had a calm mind lately.   It's the brain healing.  I must keep going forward.

 

I hope things will eventually feel better.  I hope my mind and body gets some relief soon, and I hope those windows will be longer.   

 

Doni feel better than 15 months ago, yes, but I am still not where I will like to be.  I still react to normal stressful situations.   Am I getting there, yes, but it might take me more months since this is a slow process.

 

15 months journey and almost in my 16 months.   It is fare enough to say that after being on 20mg paraxotine for 12 years, it is my first time that I am 15 months in 4.79mg...the longest I have been at this low dose.  So, the brain definitely needs time to recover from this poison.....

 

With God, we will all heal.....

As always you do an excellent job of understanding and dealing with this process, intrusive thoughts are one of my strongest, I find that the less I fight, the less their grip loosens and they, like the rest, will pass when the storm dies down.. It is certainly more than we want but we deal with what comes.

Keep fighting bravely, you are doing great.

1 hour ago, Fullhealing said:

intrusive thoughts are one of my stronges

Definitely, these are bad symptoms.   I noticed that when stress comes, I sometimes get bombard with a lot of thoughts not even related to the one causing me the stress....

 

We need to keep strong.  All will pass...

04/08/2026- 16 months journey and recovery process.....

 

Yesterday, I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts mostly in the morning hours and feeling anxious with background fear sensation.   Yet, felt positive and able to somehow work.  

 

My mornings are just a tiny bit better but not much.   I feel blah and some days I don't even know what to think..

 

I went to sleep around 10pm as always and I slept through until 530am.  Took my dose and stayed in bed relaxing.  As I stayed in bed, I felt brain relaxing but body little anxious and specially on my left side of upper body.  It wasn't bad, but still having these symptoms.   

 

I have now right arm muscles stiffness.  Not strong as last year.  It comes and go.

 

I am also hearing Crystal noises on my right side ear.  This is also a symptom that comes and go.

 

I am feeling like I want to sleep but I have to work...

 

After I entered my 12 months Journey, I have seeing small improvements and symptoms are more on and off resolving little quicker than last year.  This is good.

 

I went to my previous journal notes in surviving antidepressants site to see my 16 months progress.   From last year until now, I still complain about fear sensations, anxiety, headache, muscle stiffness....these are the symptoms that's being with me since the beginning of this journey.   All got better, but I guess my body is still finding balance...

 

My sleep still the same.  Even after we put an extra hour, i continue waking up between 530am and 6am.  The only difference between now and last year is that I can stay longer in bed and I have felt to sleep for an extra hour.  If I'm lucky, I can push it to 730am.  Last year, I couldn't continue sleeping for the longest time.  Once I woke up at 530am, I wasn't able to fall back to sleep...this year, it's being better.....

 

Overall, 16 months is a long journey, but for the body healing purposes, it's not long enough.  Body needs to do a lot of repairs and still gets comfortable with my low dose after 12 years on this drug....

 

In the name of Jesus Christ, we will all heal.

4 hours ago, Raymond said:

04/08/2026- 16 months journey and recovery process.....

 

Yesterday, I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts mostly in the morning hours and feeling anxious with background fear sensation.   Yet, felt positive and able to somehow work.  

 

My mornings are just a tiny bit better but not much.   I feel blah and some days I don't even know what to think..

 

I went to sleep around 10pm as always and I slept through until 530am.  Took my dose and stayed in bed relaxing.  As I stayed in bed, I felt brain relaxing but body little anxious and specially on my left side of upper body.  It wasn't bad, but still having these symptoms.   

 

I have now right arm muscles stiffness.  Not strong as last year.  It comes and go.

 

I am also hearing Crystal noises on my right side ear.  This is also a symptom that comes and go.

 

I am feeling like I want to sleep but I have to work...

 

After I entered my 12 months Journey, I have seeing small improvements and symptoms are more on and off resolving little quicker than last year.  This is good.

 

I went to my previous journal notes in surviving antidepressants site to see my 16 months progress.   From last year until now, I still complain about fear sensations, anxiety, headache, muscle stiffness....these are the symptoms that's being with me since the beginning of this journey.   All got better, but I guess my body is still finding balance...

 

My sleep still the same.  Even after we put an extra hour, i continue waking up between 530am and 6am.  The only difference between now and last year is that I can stay longer in bed and I have felt to sleep for an extra hour.  If I'm lucky, I can push it to 730am.  Last year, I couldn't continue sleeping for the longest time.  Once I woke up at 530am, I wasn't able to fall back to sleep...this year, it's being better.....

 

Overall, 16 months is a long journey, but for the body healing purposes, it's not long enough.  Body needs to do a lot of repairs and still gets comfortable with my low dose after 12 years on this drug....

 

In the name of Jesus Christ, we will all heal.

Afternoon update...

 

I was feeling chest fatigue while feeling mind more relax today and energized...

 

Currently, feeling sleepy again, energized with no motivation, and can concentrate better even though half of what I'm reading, I don't understand.... 😂 

 Chatgpt translating for me documents in simple English.....that's how my mind is..... 😂 

 

Feeling good and little less than good but more than bad.... 😂.....how is this even possible.....

 

Edited April 8Apr 8 by Raymond
Adding comments

3 minutes ago, Raymond said:

Afternoon update...

 

I was feeling chest fatigue while feeling mind more relax today and energized...

 

Currently, feeling sleepy again, energized with no motivation, and can concentrate better even though half of what I'm reading, I don't understand.... 😂 

 

Feeling good and little less than good but more than bad.... 😂.....how is this even possible.....

 

I came to realise that all the impossible is possible on this crazy journey (; Glad you're feeling better!

Edited April 8Apr 8 by Fullhealing