@Finni Im sending more love and hope this morning, I can see yesterday was very hard for you. I hope the Magnesium offers some relief. Please hang in there and keep yourself safe. xxxx

All the mistakes and disruptions I’ve had over the last month or two have just done more than I could’ve ever imagined.

They’ve made mirtazapine feel even more paradoxical. I desperately need stability, but I don’t know how to get it.

I don’t know if tapering would completely put me over the edge or if it would help.

I slept last night for about seven hours or more, but then as I wake up, I’m sweating and have all the adrenaline and nervous twisting dread and panic pounding back. I would at least like to just go back to how I was in April.

Does anyone know how long I should wait before trying to something new like splitting dose?

Julie, I can hear the sadness in that.

The suspension bridge analogy actually captures what you’re trying to say very well. If a bridge is already swaying and then it gets hit by gust after gust after gust, it doesn’t immediately settle. It keeps moving for a while.

Looking back over the last few months, I can understand why your mind goes there:

• The reduction.

• The accidental timing disruption.

• The propranolol trial.

• The enormous emotional stress you’ve been carrying.

• The constant symptom monitoring that becomes unavoidable when symptoms are this loud.

It’s understandable to wonder whether each one added another push to the bridge.

But I want to separate two thoughts:

“The bridge is swinging wildly right now.”

and

“It will always swing wildly.”

The first is an observation about today.

The second is a prediction, and when you’re in the middle of deep gut panic and crying, your brain is not in a good position to make long-term predictions.

What stands out to me from the timeline you shared earlier is that you’ve already seen evidence that the bridge can calm down. You reminded me yourself that by April you were doing significantly better than you were during the March turmoil, even though you still had activation.

That’s important because it means your nervous system has already demonstrated the ability to move toward calmer waters after being stirred up.

Right now, I don’t think the question is, “How will I ever be okay?”

I think the question is, “Can this stirred-up system settle again?”

And based on your own history, the answer is yes. You’ve seen it happen before.

You don’t have to believe that fully right now. The wave is too loud for that.

Just hold this much:

The ocean is rough today. That does not mean the ocean has forgotten how to become calm.

For now, let the tears come if they need to. You’ve been carrying an immense amount. And through all of this, you’re still here, still observing, still thinking, still trying to understand. 💗

I am healing and my body is strong enough to get through this. Healing is happening even when I can’t feel it.

6/4/26

Yesterday I felt like I was in cold turkey for much of the day with a pounding hurting sore head, and some terror waves all day and throughout the evening. My best time was in the late afternoon.

9:15 pm Mirtazapine 14.79 mg

Slept well until 5:00 am or so

Wave building and getting worse as day goes on: Twisting electricity around waist

Pounding terror in stomach, back

Pressure and rotary motor sensations

Pacing, begging

On 3/8/2026 at 3:37 PM, Fullhealing said:

Oh so sorry you suffer so badly @Finni It's likely withdrawal symptoms that often come in delay and become much worse before any relief. If I were you, I wouldn't touch the dose for a significant period of time.

Obviously it's complicated as it's hard to know if it's a reaction to the drug itself or you just need long time to find some balance but in any case any changes could be just too much for the system to handle.

Good words!

3 hours ago, Finni said:

Julie, I can hear the sadness in that.

The suspension bridge analogy actually captures what you’re trying to say very well. If a bridge is already swaying and then it gets hit by gust after gust after gust, it doesn’t immediately settle. It keeps moving for a while.

Looking back over the last few months, I can understand why your mind goes there:

• The reduction.

• The accidental timing disruption.

• The propranolol trial.

• The enormous emotional stress you’ve been carrying.

• The constant symptom monitoring that becomes unavoidable when symptoms are this loud.

It’s understandable to wonder whether each one added another push to the bridge.

But I want to separate two thoughts:

“The bridge is swinging wildly right now.”

and

“It will always swing wildly.”

The first is an observation about today.

The second is a prediction, and when you’re in the middle of deep gut panic and crying, your brain is not in a good position to make long-term predictions.

What stands out to me from the timeline you shared earlier is that you’ve already seen evidence that the bridge can calm down. You reminded me yourself that by April you were doing significantly better than you were during the March turmoil, even though you still had activation.

That’s important because it means your nervous system has already demonstrated the ability to move toward calmer waters after being stirred up.

Right now, I don’t think the question is, “How will I ever be okay?”

I think the question is, “Can this stirred-up system settle again?”

And based on your own history, the answer is yes. You’ve seen it happen before.

You don’t have to believe that fully right now. The wave is too loud for that.

Just hold this much:

The ocean is rough today. That does not mean the ocean has forgotten how to become calm.

For now, let the tears come if they need to. You’ve been carrying an immense amount. And through all of this, you’re still here, still observing, still thinking, still trying to understand. 💗

I am healing and my body is strong enough to get through this. Healing is happening even when I can’t feel it.

Amazing, I hope this gives you hope and strength @Finni

Just keep surviving, that's all you have to do, better days will come xxx

16 hours ago, Finni said:

Does anyone know how long I should wait before trying to something new like splitting dose?

There is not a good time to start Finni, you are thinking of doing this to help ease things, if things were good for you right now you wouldn't be thinking of splitting the dose? Only you can decide if you want to try this and see if it eases things.

I think splitting doses can be very helpful and a very good idea in some cases, but I also think it is more changes that perhaps the brain could do with out so there is a balance to be had there when deciding to do so. It is the least distruptive choice imo over dropping the dose further.

Wish there were more certainties in all this. xxx

6/5/26

Yesterday was gentle compared to today

Yesterday more about feeling electric and floaty and weird then big distress and pressure in head hitting around 5:00 pm

Today I woke up feeling huge terror and head pressure. It has surged on and off with body burning and severe vibrations in head and tailbone. Weeping and begging at peak of surges.

Completely overtaken by physical/ overwhelmed, pounding, burning, and electricity

All of the inflammation leads to very dark thoughts and feeling like there’s no way out of this.

I don’t know how I’m living through this especially since it goes on day after day and lasts for hours and hours

I’m wishing for April because it was nothing compared to this

Hi @Finni, I’m really sorry for your pain. I am currently in the same situation. Just reaching out to let you know you are not alone ❤️

1 hour ago, Dnepr1234 said:

Hi @Finni, I’m really sorry for your pain. I am currently in the same situation. Just reaching out to let you know you are not alone ❤️

I’m so sorry ❤️

@Finni daily reminder to not hyper focus on symptoms, there is a reason i don't write all my symptoms every day I have symptoms, I don't want to hyperfocus on them, and to me and probably most other people, it brings no value and only causes more secondary fear.

regardless sending love, you will be fine !

32 minutes ago, Lighty said:

@Finni daily reminder to not hyper focus on symptoms, there is a reason i don't write all my symptoms every day I have symptoms, I don't want to hyperfocus on them, and to me and probably most other people, it brings no value and only causes more secondary fear.

regardless sending love, you will be fine !

Thank you ❤️

The only reason I do is so I can see improvement over time. I haven’t had even a solid 6 weeks without a change, on purpose or accidental, so I’m really looking forward to seeing some improvement if I can just hold a substantial amount of time.

Hey @Finni hope today is a little easier on you xxxx

6/6/26

6/7/26

The every other day pattern is very distressing. It was already there in April before attempted reduction, and I was convinced it was because somehow it had something to do with how much I had to shave off the pill to get to the same weight. I was searching desperately for an answer.

yesterday, I felt very overmedicated, sleepy and out of it, super dizzy and floaty, and then had horrible surges in the middle of the day as usual. By late afternoon, I was in a dirty window and could get in the car with Mom and when we got home, I eventually was able to go outside and walk around. I had my binoculars and was looking at birds and chatting with Mom and Finn my cat .

head pressure started around 8:00 pm it was off and on, and then I took my mirtazapine at 9:15 and a lot of head twinges got worse and throughout the night head pressure seems to have been building. Now it’s six in the morning and head pressure is over the top. My whole body is pounding. Feels like I’m rocking and swaying in bed. So today will most likely be like the second kind of day which now includes frightening head pressure that doesn’t go away and that cold turkey feeling I’ve been mentioning for a long time now.

These little changes over the last month have stirred things up so much and now I don’t know if mirtazapine is causing even more reactions or if this is all just my nervous system.

Edited June 7Jun 7 by Finni

Hey @Finni it sounds very distressing and incapacitating. Do you think it could be your body trying to stabilise, possible adaptations still occurring? I’ve been stuck around to 1.02 dose since around beginning of the new year. I’ve tried decreasing my a few micrograms here and there with very little progress. In fact I feel like I’m getting worse — lots of myofascial spasms and now doom and gloom. When I held for months last year a similar thing happened — new and distressing symptoms which got worse and worse, then one day it just settled.

7 hours ago, Catbird said:

When I held for months last year a similar thing happened — new and distressing symptoms which got worse and worse, then one day it just settled.

Good to hear @Catbird thanks for sharing.

6/8/26

I don’t know what to do

Yesterday I had over the top terror and akasthisia to the point of vocalizing intensely for hours while needing to move shake, rock, pace… at the peak teeth chattering, sweating, shaking, screaming.

It’s like a dragon had completely inhabited my body and mind.

After the peak was over by about two or three in the afternoon, I could talk and be myself even though I felt like I was in horrible cold turkey withdrawal.

Head squeezing and sharp pains in head.

Played New York Times games on my phone went for a ride in the car with my mom.

Took mirtazapine at 9:15 PM as usual and within 15 minutes, I started to feel terror and agitation. I fell asleep and was restless much of the night and now I’m awake at 5:40 AM feeling a lot of darkness nightmare quality pounding body feels like motors are going round and round in my head.

Has anyone experienced anything similar, especially the rapid increase in terror and agitation shortly after taking their dose?

Edited June 8Jun 8 by Finni

I have a one on one with Angie peacock and a virtual visit with psychiatrist tomorrow

I’m trying to just stay safe until then, even though I have such horrible darkness and a horrible thought

Edited June 8Jun 8 by Finni

27 minutes ago, Finni said:

I have a one on one with Angie peacock and a virtual visit with psychiatrist tomorrow

I’m trying to just stay safe until then, even though I have such horrible darkness and a horrible thought

I hope your appointments are helpful. Please do keep yourself safe, we are all thinking of you 💜

6/10/26

Very, very intense day yesterday with a lot of terror and vocalizing midday. Horrible electricity in my head and body body.

Head pressure, electricity and vestibular had eased by 6: 00 pm or so
Still symptoms but felt more me
I was able to talk to daughter on FaceTime for about 30 minutes , eat dinner, play games

After I took mirtazapine at 9:15 PM, vestibular symptoms came back as did the electricity and dread

Now this morning, my head is burning and squeezing. It feels like I’m on a ride, bouncing up and down. Electricity is in my back and tailbone again and in my head. Horrible anxiety.

19 hours ago, Finni said:

6/10/26

Very, very intense day yesterday with a lot of terror and vocalizing midday. Horrible electricity in my head and body body.

Head pressure, electricity and vestibular had eased by 6: 00 pm or so
Still symptoms but felt more me
I was able to talk to daughter on FaceTime for about 30 minutes , eat dinner, play games

After I took mirtazapine at 9:15 PM, vestibular symptoms came back as did the electricity and dread

Now this morning, my head is burning and squeezing. It feels like I’m on a ride, bouncing up and down. Electricity is in my back and tailbone again and in my head. Horrible anxiety.

Sending some love @Finni hope today brings some relief. Good to read you had an easier evening and could FT and play games etc....

Inner akasthisia has gotten much worse

17 hours ago, Finni said:

Inner akasthisia has gotten much worse

Im so sorry Finni I hope today is easier xxxx