30 minutes ago, Nemina said:

made it without antibiotics

I am thrilled to hear. Good for you for seeing it through. It may take a bit longer but it is worth it.

31 minutes ago, Nemina said:

hope you are doing OK these days?

It's been a rough bit but one day at a time. We are all enduring together. ❤️🙏

Catching up with your story @Nemina .

So pleases you are on the the other side of your UTI. You are also working which is amazing.

Sorry I have been so out of touch.

Thinking of you xx Tracey

Great to hear from you @Tracey , thanks for stopping by. I am thinking of you often. ❤️ Yes, there are many things to be thankful for. Also , I had some very good days and hours in April. Right now I’m struggling again.

Do not be sorry, I absolutely understand. Xxx

Update: I am finishing month 19 of my taper.

For the record, I will make some symptoms lists, not to concentrate on them, but so that I can see my development. And it might be interesting for others.

Withdrawal began October 2024

What I was having mainly in the first half year:

Depression, SI, hopelessness, Rage , chemical anxiety, doom

Back pain, nausea in the morning during work, diarrhea

Brain zaps, tinnitus when waking up

Fatigue

but able to go to the gym and able to sleep at night

what I have had constantly and still have:

Back pain, massive fatigue, difficulties to concentrate and lack of happiness

Generally, 2024 autumn and winter 24/25 were very bad summer 2025 was better and in the autumn of 2025 it got worse again, winter was very bad too. Spring 2026 started promising but the sleep issues and nights of terror make it hard to see them positive.

What has become stronger in the last months?

Sleeplessness, chemical anxiety at night, chemical anxiety during the day, long and slow brain zaps, tinnitus during the day

but in April I’ve had more windows.

Generally, I’m even more fatigued than in the first year of withdrawal. I cannot do any sports anymore, not even very mild workouts. Today I made it to a 5 minute walk around the corner, but had to go back. So it seems the waves are really bad , at night they are even worse than they have ever been. But there are more windows.

Is that progress ? ask me in a window and I will say yes. Ask me now and I will say no. The main thing that troubles me is that my nights have become so difficult. After I had more than a year in withdrawal in which I could sleep, now I’m having many really terrible nights with adrenaline and cortisol surges and terrible anxiety.

I’m having a really bad day today . Maybe tomorrow I will have another outlook on this all.

I will have a vacation next week. We will even travel, this was planned plan a year ago when I expected to be mainly healed until now. We are traveling with a group of friends and I’m scared. But also, I am hopeful because maybe again my brain will understand that this is a time to pause the renovation. We will see.

4 hours ago, Nemina said:

Update: I am finishing month 19 of my taper.

For the record, I will make some symptoms lists, not to concentrate on them, but so that I can see my development. And it might be interesting for others.

Withdrawal began October 2024

What I was having mainly in the first half year:

Depression, SI, hopelessness, Rage , chemical anxiety, doom

Back pain, nausea in the morning during work, diarrhea

Brain zaps, tinnitus when waking up

Fatigue

but able to go to the gym and able to sleep at night

what I have had constantly and still have:

Back pain, massive fatigue, difficulties to concentrate and lack of happiness

Generally, 2024 autumn and winter 24/25 were very bad summer 2025 was better and in the autumn of 2025 it got worse again, winter was very bad too. Spring 2026 started promising but the sleep issues and nights of terror make it hard to see them positive.

What has become stronger in the last months?

Sleeplessness, chemical anxiety at night, chemical anxiety during the day, long and slow brain zaps, tinnitus during the day

but in April I’ve had more windows.

Generally, I’m even more fatigued than in the first year of withdrawal. I cannot do any sports anymore, not even very mild workouts. Today I made it to a 5 minute walk around the corner, but had to go back. So it seems the waves are really bad , at night they are even worse than they have ever been. But there are more windows.

Is that progress ? ask me in a window and I will say yes. Ask me now and I will say no. The main thing that troubles me is that my nights have become so difficult. After I had more than a year in withdrawal in which I could sleep, now I’m having many really terrible nights with adrenaline and cortisol surges and terrible anxiety.

I’m having a really bad day today . Maybe tomorrow I will have another outlook on this all.

I will have a vacation next week. We will even travel, this was planned plan a year ago when I expected to be mainly healed until now. We are traveling with a group of friends and I’m scared. But also, I am hopeful because maybe again my brain will understand that this is a time to pause the renovation. We will see.

Sorry you are in a bad day @Nemina .

I really hope your holiday is great and that you can enjoy it without too many wd symptoms.

Big hug for you xxx

24 minutes ago, Tracey said:

Big hug for you xxx

Big hug back!

5 hours ago, Nemina said:

Update: I am finishing month 19 of my taper.

For the record, I will make some symptoms lists, not to concentrate on them, but so that I can see my development. And it might be interesting for others.

Withdrawal began October 2024

What I was having mainly in the first half year:

Depression, SI, hopelessness, Rage , chemical anxiety, doom

Back pain, nausea in the morning during work, diarrhea

Brain zaps, tinnitus when waking up

Fatigue

but able to go to the gym and able to sleep at night

what I have had constantly and still have:

Back pain, massive fatigue, difficulties to concentrate and lack of happiness

Generally, 2024 autumn and winter 24/25 were very bad summer 2025 was better and in the autumn of 2025 it got worse again, winter was very bad too. Spring 2026 started promising but the sleep issues and nights of terror make it hard to see them positive.

What has become stronger in the last months?

Sleeplessness, chemical anxiety at night, chemical anxiety during the day, long and slow brain zaps, tinnitus during the day

but in April I’ve had more windows.

Generally, I’m even more fatigued than in the first year of withdrawal. I cannot do any sports anymore, not even very mild workouts. Today I made it to a 5 minute walk around the corner, but had to go back. So it seems the waves are really bad , at night they are even worse than they have ever been. But there are more windows.

Is that progress ? ask me in a window and I will say yes. Ask me now and I will say no. The main thing that troubles me is that my nights have become so difficult. After I had more than a year in withdrawal in which I could sleep, now I’m having many really terrible nights with adrenaline and cortisol surges and terrible anxiety.

I’m having a really bad day today . Maybe tomorrow I will have another outlook on this all.

I will have a vacation next week. We will even travel, this was planned plan a year ago when I expected to be mainly healed until now. We are traveling with a group of friends and I’m scared. But also, I am hopeful because maybe again my brain will understand that this is a time to pause the renovation. We will see.

Oh no, @Nemina I only saw your update after I wrote that I hope you had a good day.. so sorry!

There is no moment of rest in this brutal journey, even if there is a good window, the fear of a bad wave remains, I know, it is exhausting and could explain your fatigue after such a long struggle, but it is temporary and no matter how tough it is we continue to gain strength as we go.

I really hope that the hard nights and anxiety fade away for you quickly and that the vacation will do you good, hopefully the symptoms will remain hidden so that you can enjoy as you deserve.

Just keep remembering that you are dealing with all of this with great courage and are very strong. xxxx

Hey @Nemina

I empathise with your feelings of optimism in the window and pessimism in a wave. This is very common.

The truth is, healing is so non-linear. But you are healing, all the time. Just the symptoms often make us feel we are not! They can fluctuate or even worsen sometimes, this means nothing, other than there is more work to do.

I hear you on the sleep, it can seem to imporve and then worsen again. Just remember about second fear. Just accept what ever you get. That is enough.

I do hope your holiday goes well. You deserve a nice long window during this period.

Chippy xxx

On 4/30/2026 at 10:45 PM, Fullhealing said:

Oh no, @Nemina I only saw your update after I wrote that I hope you had a good day.. so sorry!

There is no moment of rest in this brutal journey, even if there is a good window, the fear of a bad wave remains, I know, it is exhausting and could explain your fatigue after such a long struggle, but it is temporary and no matter how tough it is we continue to gain strength as we go.

I really hope that the hard nights and anxiety fade away for you quickly and that the vacation will do you good, hopefully the symptoms will remain hidden so that you can enjoy as you deserve.

Just keep remembering that you are dealing with all of this with great courage and are very strong. xxxx

Thank you, my dear! Your encouragement is very valuable to me.

I have seen over at your thread that you have a better day today, I’m so pleased! Actually, today I feel much better, also. I was for a walk in the beautiful spring forest and did some sewing. in the evening I volunteered to look after a handicap child. Maybe that was too much, now I have a little breakdown, but I will go to bed soon. Thanks for always being there, you are a great inspiration. ❤️

12 hours ago, Chippy said:

Hey @Nemina

I empathise with your feelings of optimism in the window and pessimism in a wave. This is very common.

The truth is, healing is so non-linear. But you are healing, all the time. Just the symptoms often make us feel we are not! They can fluctuate or even worsen sometimes, this means nothing, other than there is more work to do.

I hear you on the sleep, it can seem to imporve and then worsen again. Just remember about second fear. Just accept what ever you get. That is enough.

I do hope your holiday goes well. You deserve a nice long window during this period.

Chippy xxx

Thank you for all your empathy, this is so valuable. I think about second fear every night and work on acceptance. You are a good teacher I believe I have become better in this. Such valuable skills, will do me good for the rest of my life. I hope you enjoy the almost Scottish sun! ☀️

10 hours ago, Nemina said:

Thank you, my dear! Your encouragement is very valuable to me.

I have seen over at your thread that you have a better day today, I’m so pleased! Actually, today I feel much better, also. I was for a walk in the beautiful spring forest and did some sewing. in the evening I volunteered to look after a handicap child. Maybe that was too much, now I have a little breakdown, but I will go to bed soon. Thanks for always being there, you are a great inspiration. ❤️

How wonderful to hear @Nemina

I'm amazed and impressed that you manage to volunteer as well as be active in other areas while in, finding the fine line of to much is an art let alone in this process, you are so very strong!

Hope you have good long peaceful night 🩷

I had another good night, broken sleep, but no anxiety. So lovely! The day was good also. Two good days in a row!

Tomorrow I leave for the vacation.

My 20th month of withdrawal has started well. But I already know : in a window I think I’m through with it. Finally, I made the breakthrough. Then the next wave hits, and I think I have achieved nothing at all, no progress , symptoms are getting worse and still so far to go. Well today, I choose hope. Good night, friends!

9 minutes ago, Nemina said:

I had another good night, broken sleep, but no anxiety. So lovely! The day was good also. Two good days in a row!

Tomorrow I leave for the vacation.

My 20th month of withdrawal has started well. But I already know : in a window I think I’m through with it. Finally, I made the breakthrough. Then the next wave hits, and I think I have achieved nothing at all, no progress , symptoms are getting worse and still so far to go. Well today, I choose hope. Good night, friends!

Wonderful update @Nemina may it continue throughout the vacation, have a great time.xxx

3 hours ago, Nemina said:

I had another good night, broken sleep, but no anxiety. So lovely! The day was good also. Two good days in a row!

Tomorrow I leave for the vacation.

My 20th month of withdrawal has started well. But I already know : in a window I think I’m through with it. Finally, I made the breakthrough. Then the next wave hits, and I think I have achieved nothing at all, no progress , symptoms are getting worse and still so far to go. Well today, I choose hope. Good night, friends!

The window sounds great @Nemina and I hope you enjoy your holiday.

I know you’re tapering Escitalopram and have a question. Have you been troubled by abdominal muscle spasms when you’ve decreased your dose? It’s 3 weeks since my last decrease and the spasms have been intense the last 3-4 days 🤗

So lovely to read @Nemina .

I wish you a beautiful and peaceful vacation. You deserve a break xx 💚

7 hours ago, Nemina said:

I had another good night, broken sleep, but no anxiety. So lovely! The day was good also. Two good days in a row!

Tomorrow I leave for the vacation.

My 20th month of withdrawal has started well. But I already know : in a window I think I’m through with it. Finally, I made the breakthrough. Then the next wave hits, and I think I have achieved nothing at all, no progress , symptoms are getting worse and still so far to go. Well today, I choose hope. Good night, friends!

Great to hear @Nemina !

Yes this journey may likely have its ups and downs still, but you have learned how to deal with them, and can move forward knowing you have the strength to handle what comes your way.

I hope your trip is successful and enjoyable for you, you deserve it! Xxx

On 4/7/2026 at 2:19 PM, Nemina said:

Considered that I get (hopefully) generally better, I wonder why I am constantly so weak. In the first year of my taper, I felt terrible - so much fear, tension, rage, and sadness - but I was able to work out (I was tired and had nausea and back pain, but still it was possible to go to the gym). Now, I would say from months 15 to 18, my body seems more and more to lose strength.

For a good few years leading up to taking mirtazapine, I had been lifting weights, and taking it increasingly seriously.

By the time I did take it, I was following a programme I'd designed and generally going for 1.5-2h five to seven times a week, hoping to compete in local strength competitions.

I couldn't work out for a while after starting due to the physical effects it had on me, however, eventually I was able to again whilst still on it. I noticed that my physical strength had absolutely nosedived. All main lifts were drastically lower and my capacity to workout was also considerably lower.

As I began to taper, my strength started massively jumping towards what it had been pre-drug. I tapered for a month, feeling better and better the whole time, and during that month I was rapidly getting closer to pre-drug strength.

The reason I'm sharing this, is to highlight that these drugs absolutely can have this effect on people. I hope that as you taper further, and eventually come off them, it will pass. I think it will, eventually.

1 hour ago, Luke said:

For a good few years leading up to taking mirtazapine, I had been lifting weights, and taking it increasingly seriously.

By the time I did take it, I was following a programme I'd designed and generally going for 1.5-2h five to seven times a week, hoping to compete in local strength competitions.

I couldn't work out for a while after starting due to the physical effects it had on me, however, eventually I was able to again whilst still on it. I noticed that my physical strength had absolutely nosedived. All main lifts were drastically lower and my capacity to workout was also considerably lower.

As I began to taper, my strength started massively jumping towards what it had been pre-drug. I tapered for a month, feeling better and better the whole time, and during that month I was rapidly getting closer to pre-drug strength.

The reason I'm sharing this, is to highlight that these drugs absolutely can have this effect on people. I hope that as you taper further, and eventually come off them, it will pass. I think it will, eventually.

I’m going through something similar @Luke & @Nemina. I suddenly feel very frail. I’ve had 5 full days of intense muscle spasms — abdominal wall, lower back, diaphragm and intercostal muscles — all at the same time. Sheer agony. Feeling very depleted and incapacitated. How common are these musculoskeletal issues when tapering? This isn’t the first time but definitely the worst. Can’t get in to see my acupuncturist for 5 days. 😢

@Nemina Your update sounds great and there's nothing wrong in making the most of the window and having hope ,I wish you a peaceful vacation 😊

19 hours ago, Catbird said:

How common are these musculoskeletal issues when tapering?

I don't have a good feel for how common it is, however I've seen others talking about it.

I have experienced muscle and joint pains, with weakness and tightness, particularly in my legs but also elsewhere, however this has improved quite a bit, finally. It is still an issue intermittently.

24 minutes ago, Luke said:

I don't have a good feel for how common it is, however I've seen others talking about it.

I have experienced muscle and joint pains, with weakness and tightness, particularly in my legs but also elsewhere, however this has improved quite a bit, finally. It is still an issue intermittently.

Hi @Luke I had a look on the SA site, there's a whole section on pain, muscle spasms, joint pain. I think I've got abdominal myofascial pain extending into my back and ribcage. It's been present for about 6 days and I feel totally incapacitated. I've had abdominal muscle spasms before but they've never lasted this long. Seems to be the lower I go the more frequent they become. Hope you're not suffering too much atm 🤗

On 5/4/2026 at 8:36 AM, Catbird said:

Hi @Luke I had a look on the SA site, there's a whole section on pain, muscle spasms, joint pain. I think I've got abdominal myofascial pain extending into my back and ribcage. It's been present for about 6 days and I feel totally incapacitated. I've had abdominal muscle spasms before but they've never lasted this long. Seems to be the lower I go the more frequent they become. Hope you're not suffering too much atm 🤗

I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope that it passes soon. At least you know it's not uncommon for it to be withdrawal-related.

Hey @Nemina haven't seen you here in a while, thinking of you.

Hope you're doing well xxxx

Hello everybody, I am back from my vacation and have been working for the last week. Sorry that you didn’t hear from me.

I will try to catch up with your threads soon.

My vacation was lovely. I’m so thankful! I have had this experience for a couple times now: my brain seems to be able to stop its repair processes when other things in my life need all my attention and strength. It happened with conferences where I had to speak and it happened a couple times when I had a seminary day. It also happened when my children were here for visiting. As I had hoped, my vacation felt almost withdrawal free.

I have to add that I’m in the 20th months of my taper now and since month 19 I seem to make real progress. Especially more windows. it seems to me that this is the best window I ever had since withdrawals started in October 2024.

In the vacation I laid down to rest every afternoon, even though I usually could not sleep, but I tried to not exhaust my energy too much. Besides that I didn’t feel much restrictions due to withdrawal. Sleep was broken as usual and I had two or three nights with panic and jolts and once I took a third of a sleeping pill. But most of the days were really good.

It was a very peaceful vacation, we were at a Christian spiritual center together with a group of friends. Lots of prayer times and the prayer times were marked by calm chanting and long stretches of silence. it felt so good to be in peaceful prayer. Of course I can pray alone, too, and I do, but I could feel the strength of all this faith combined. 300 people praying and singing together in a church, adoration of Jesus Christ, …21 lovely wonderful church services in one week. I feel very nourished and refreshed after this.

My first week after the vacation was a bit stressful, but I could manage well.

Maybe this can be an encouragement for those of you, who are still under 19 months in the taper. For me month 19 seemed to have been a breakthrough with more windows than before (even though worsening issues with sleep, but not every night). And month 20 so far is really good.

I will keep you posted!

On 5/3/2026 at 3:02 AM, Catbird said:

The window sounds great @Nemina and I hope you enjoy your holiday.

I know you’re tapering Escitalopram and have a question. Have you been troubled by abdominal muscle spasms when you’ve decreased your dose? It’s 3 weeks since my last decrease and the spasms have been intense the last 3-4 days 🤗

I am very sorry to hear this, dear @Catbird . I have had muscle spasms around my stomach during and after breakfast for a couple of weeks in April and some days in May. But after 30 minutes or so they’re always subsided. I tried warm food, cold food- It did not make a difference. Besides that I did not have a lot of muscle problems. I have back pain a lot, but this feels more like a bone and nerve problem. Maybe also cramped muscles, but not in the sense of spasms. I could not relate all this to drops in the dose. I hope that things will ease for you soon!