1 hour ago, Nemina said:

Hello everybody, my window seems to continue. It’s really lovely. Today is day six. I had a really bad night in between (but that was when the snow was melting on the roof under which I sleep, which always makes a lot of noise because chunks of snow are sliding down the roof. Making me jump out of my sleep every time. The anxiety each time was getting stronger and stronger so in the end, I took a third of a Zolpidem pill. (I have decided to confess every time when I take a sleeping medication so that I do not get tempted to return back to those. This was the second time I have taken one since officially stopping it in January.))

Of course I am tired, of course the window is a bit dirty with back pain, dizziness, and fatigue, but it definitely is a window! On Sunday I went out for dinner with my husband.  And yesterday, After a very short workday in the office, I was able to meet my mom in a café and do a little bit of shopping with her. She’s very old and I have not been able to do much with her in the last months. At work I have been way more efficient these days, which also feels great. Usually sitting in front of my computer trying to solve problems is  like lifting huge stones. Very nice to feel for a change that I can still think and produce good texts. I also went to the gym and did a ridiculous mini workout. But still: I went. That is what counts.

 

This is lovely to read @Nemina so happy for your window! You seemed to have had, on the whole, a good couple of days. That is great!😊 

1 hour ago, Nemina said:

Hello everybody, my window seems to continue. It’s really lovely. Today is day six. I had a really bad night in between (but that was when the snow was melting on the roof under which I sleep, which always makes a lot of noise because chunks of snow are sliding down the roof. Making me jump out of my sleep every time. The anxiety each time was getting stronger and stronger so in the end, I took a third of a Zolpidem pill. (I have decided to confess every time when I take a sleeping medication so that I do not get tempted to return back to those. This was the second time I have taken one since officially stopping it in January.))

Of course I am tired, of course the window is a bit dirty with back pain, dizziness, and fatigue, but it definitely is a window! On Sunday I went out for dinner with my husband.  And yesterday, After a very short workday in the office, I was able to meet my mom in a café and do a little bit of shopping with her. She’s very old and I have not been able to do much with her in the last months. At work I have been way more efficient these days, which also feels great. Usually sitting in front of my computer trying to solve problems is  like lifting huge stones. Very nice to feel for a change that I can still think and produce good texts. I also went to the gym and did a ridiculous mini workout. But still: I went. That is what counts.

 

So pleased to read that @Nemina even though it's dirty window it's still a window which I'm sure will clear more over time.

Keep doing great.

 

That's great news! Hoping it continues and that you get a much-needed break!

19 hours ago, Nemina said:

Usually sitting in front of my computer trying to solve problems is  like lifting huge stones.

I’m nodding with recognition at this… I have many days at work like that too. It’s nice when you feel you can make up for it with better productivity at other times.

 

I’m glad you’re having a decent window, and even went to the gym - wow!!

Thanks for being happy with me. 

sadly, my window has closed again. Yesterday evening the alarm in the legs came back. Today I am sad again, feelings of hopelessness and doom and so on. I don’t want to concentrate too much on my symptoms. I am very thankful that I had these six days. Maybe a new window will open up soon - and if not, I will accept it.

take care, friends! 
 

12 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Thanks for being happy with me. 

sadly, my window has closed again. Yesterday evening the alarm in the legs came back. Today I am sad again, feelings of hopelessness and doom and so on. I don’t want to concentrate too much on my symptoms. I am very thankful that I had these six days. Maybe a new window will open up soon - and if not, I will accept it.

take care, friends! 
 

I’m happy for your window but sad it’s passed. Hopefully it will reopen sooner this time and stay that way for longer. Chippy 

33 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Thanks for being happy with me. 

sadly, my window has closed again. Yesterday evening the alarm in the legs came back. Today I am sad again, feelings of hopelessness and doom and so on. I don’t want to concentrate too much on my symptoms. I am very thankful that I had these six days. Maybe a new window will open up soon - and if not, I will accept it.

take care, friends! 
 

Great that you remain grateful for the long window you experienced even though you're not at your best right now @Nemina that's true self-work.

So sadly we're back in the sufferers' club for today, exhausting and unwanted but it will pass.

Hope it will ease for you quickly and as always we all keep moving forward.

33 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Thanks for being happy with me. 

sadly, my window has closed again. Yesterday evening the alarm in the legs came back. Today I am sad again, feelings of hopelessness and doom and so on. I don’t want to concentrate too much on my symptoms. I am very thankful that I had these six days. Maybe a new window will open up soon - and if not, I will accept it.

take care, friends! 
 

Great that you remain grateful for the long window you experienced even though you're not at your best right now @Nemina that's true self-work.

So sadly we're back in the sufferers' club for today, exhausting and unwanted but it will pass.

Hope it will ease for you quickly and as always we all keep moving forward.

@Nemina so glad you had a few days of relief. I noted that during your window you took some Zolpidem. I tried using it about a year ago and had a terrible experience with it. It has a very short 1/2 life, 2-3hrs. I got really bad interdose tolerance WD from it and had to stop it. Wondering if it messed up your window? 

Thank you for putting thoughts into this, @Pokey449. I don’t think so. I have taken this stuff for 10 years and tapered it over the last year without issues. (I think it was very lucky that I could get rid of it so easily.)   I try to avoid it now., of course, but for me, it is like an emergency possibility. I haven’t had any issues so far with using it for that. I would not recommend this for anyone, I think I am an exception that I can take it and leave it so easily. 
 

1 hour ago, Fullhealing said:

Great that you remain grateful for the long window you experienced even though you're not at your best right now @Nemina that's true self-work.

So sadly we're back in the sufferers' club for today, exhausting and unwanted but it will pass.

Hope it will ease for you quickly and as always we all keep moving forward.

Yes @Fullhealing , back in the club. It’s nice that I’m not the only member even though I wish for everyone here to find an exit. We just keep going. 
 

wishing everyone a safe journey!

Sorry to hear about your window closing its so easy to get carried away thinking this is it or just hoping ,so when that wave rears its ugly head its easy to feel defeated ,good for you to still find strength and see it for what it is ...hope that window opens again for you soon 🙏

3 hours ago, Nemina said:

Thank you for putting thoughts into this, @Pokey449. I don’t think so. I have taken this stuff for 10 years and tapered it over the last year without issues. (I think it was very lucky that I could get rid of it so easily.)   I try to avoid it now., of course, but for me, it is like an emergency possibility. I haven’t had any issues so far with using it for that. I would not recommend this for anyone, I think I am an exception that I can take it and leave it so easily. 

To chime in here @Nemina only because I care. Taking a z drug while, you might feel you can stop it ok, won’t be helping your stabilisation and could well cause issues for you. I would certainly avoid. Xxx

Thanks for caring, @Chippy. In general, you’re absolutely right. I do try to avoid it. I took the Z drug (about 1,62 mg) on Monday and my window lasted until Wednesday evening. It has a half-life of two hours and I do not think that it interfered with my taper. But I will be careful, I promise. I was getting into a panic Monday night and the Ambien stopped it. So I actually think it prolonged my window , but as promised, I will be careful.

8 hours ago, Nemina said:

but as promised, I will be careful.

Good @Nemina we care too much. We can you to be ok. Xxx

So happy for you @Nemina xxxx 

@Nemina as  I recall Ambien affects some of the GABA subunits as it was explained to me. I refer to it as BENZO-LITE. As  Chippy offers do be careful. I was on Xanax a long time so I have to stay away from it. 

Yes, I will be careful. As we all know here, everybody is different, and everybody has to listen to their own body.
Thanks for all the caring, I appreciate it. 💗

Thankfully, I had another nice window over Easter. I was able to go for two long walks, and even more important, I was not in anxiety and able to enjoy the days. So lovely. I am hoping for more of this.

I am entering month 19 of my taper.

It seems that last couple weeks things are getting better for me. I have more windows. I also have waves and strong ones, marked by dread and doom, strong tension in my limbs, anxiety, and sleeplessness. But they seem to get shorter.

baseline is marked by waking up in anxiety, nausea before noon, back pain, fatigue, sadness and some tension.

Considered that I get (hopefully) generally better, I wonder why I am constantly so weak. In the first year of my taper, I felt terrible - so much fear, tension, rage, and sadness - but I was able to work out (I was tired and had nausea and back pain, but still it was possible to go to the gym). Now, I would say from months 15 to 18, my body seems more and more to lose strength. After my two hour walk in this recent lovely window, I had to lay down the rest of the day. I had planned to cook a dinner for Easter, but it was  impossible.

also, the first year of my taper I slept quite well. During this time I was tapering my sleeping pill and I have stopped taking it regularly in January. The last six months I had taken only tiny little crumbs, I do not think that they have helped in any way. Now I have quite  often nights, when I feel that the panic is coming back. Well, that is how it is. I do not want to dwell too much on my symptoms.

 

in general, March has been a good month for me. I see progress. And April is taking a good start.

right now, the little window seems to close again. I had a night in tension and anxiety, felt like lots of adrenaline rushing in my veins, and today I’m very fatigued. (but I had your warnings ringing in my ears, @Chippy and @Pokey449 and stayed away from the Z drug 😇)

 

take care everyone, we will make it!

 

 

 

 

@Nemina Good positive up date. I can see you are having some tough days too, but on the whole looking good! Well done on the z drug. I’m proud of you! Xxx

it seems my hopeful phase is already in jeopardy. I have a urinary tract infection. It was just confirmed by a test. Ugh. Now I'm worried I'll have to take antibiotics. I have heard it stories about antibiotics in withdrawal.  Anyone any advice for me?

47 minutes ago, Nemina said:

it seems my hopeful phase is already in jeopardy. I have a urinary tract infection. It was just confirmed by a test. Ugh. Now I'm worried I'll have to take antibiotics. I have heard it stories about antibiotics in withdrawal.  Anyone any advice for me?

I'm so sorry @Nemina to add this now, last thing we want but seems like every to often something new comes up to deal with in this process, our strength is definitely tested.

Regarding antibiotics, I know there are types that are not recommended during withdrawal but not sure which, if I'm not mistaken @LostinCanada has a lot of knowledge on that (I hope it's ok that I tagged you LostInCanada) 🙏 

Hopefully you'll find something without negative interactions and get well soon, I'll pray for that ❤️

@Nemina what bacteria do you have? They should be providing a list of antibiotics that are specific to that bacteria. If you want to list them, there are certain ones to absolutely avoid if possible...avoid any fluoroquinolones,fourth generation"  fourth-generation cephalosporins, (these are broad-spectrum, semi-synthetic β-lactam antibiotics), there are possible others.

Can you drink cranberry juice..the pure stuff and increase your water intake. Also rinse after going to the washroom. Pee often.

8 Ways to Get Instant UTI Relief - Home Remedies for UTI https://share.google/b8FE4DYuWnrrwKlJR

@Nemina I suffer with fatigue and pervasive tiredness too. It’s so draining and can be incapacitating. I get what you’re saying. 🤗

9 hours ago, Nemina said:

it seems my hopeful phase is already in jeopardy. I have a urinary tract infection. It was just confirmed by a test. Ugh. Now I'm worried I'll have to take antibiotics. I have heard it stories about antibiotics in withdrawal.  Anyone any advice for me?

I’m so sorry @Nemina LIC has given you some great advice.
 

If it helps any, my wife has been getting a lot of UTIs since her hysterectomy some years ago. At first she was always getting antibiotics to treat them. She more recently has stopped and just drank more water and daily cranberry juice. She managed to pass the last one without help from the doctor, and so far she hasn’t had any since.

 

I hope this passes quickly for you. Xxx

Thanks @Chippy , @Fullhealing , @LostinCanada and @Catbird for your friendly answers and for your advice! I am so glad not to be alone in this!

Update: I am still struggling with the UTinfection, but so far I made it without antibiotics. I’m drinking very very much and taking all kinds of teas and herbal medicines and also working with homeopathy. Also cranberry juice of course. I really want to avoid the antibiotics.

I have been extremely tired and weak, but I still kept working. I have been working feeling much worse - so I thought I just keep going. Maybe that was a mistake. The last two days I tried to stay in bed as much as possible and it seems to help. We are so used to plodding on, regardless how we feel, I did not realize that lying in bed might help the healing. Well, but it’s an infection not withdrawal, so here we have to follow different rules. I think it also took me way too long until I even realized that I had this infection. I have all the time so much pain all over my body and I ignore it. Having abdominal pain and running to the toilet a lot could just be part of withdrawal, couldn’t it? But when I finally made a test, it was clear.🙄

I have realized this pattern that when I have something going on that takes my attention or that is very stressful like a seminary, a family visit or even a vacation my symptoms subside for the moment. It seems like the brain understands that it’s repair work has to be slowed down for the moment. This pattern seems to be in action even though during the infection. I slept a lot. I had less anxiety. And even my mood was not very doomed or suicidal. I would always prefer a day with a UTI to a day in a wave! 😅

So as long as I get out of this without antibiotics, that might throw me back in my healing process concerning the withdrawal, I won’t complain. But I’m not there yet. Also, I am concerned because my SSRI Medical brand (abz pharma) cannot be ordered anywhere. It will last a couple more weeks, three or so, and I hope until then it will be back on the market. Otherwise, I will have to switch, which I would like to avoid.

Tomorrow and Saturday I will have another seminary. We will see how this will go.

Take care, friends, slow and steady we will all get through this!