2 hours ago, Nemina said:

i’m sorry for this really negative post. But where should I complain if not here?

That's one of the beauties of this space, that we don't have to pretend that things are ok when they're really not, and that everyone who reads your post knows exactly what you're going through, even if the details are different.

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

i’m personally convinced that God is not putting us into our sufferings. But in them, he/she is with us and works in us and for us. 
maybe building character. Maybe giving us endurance or a hope that is stronger than ever before. We will see. Right now I’m still in the middle of it.

take care everybody!

I watched an Angie Peacock video a few days ago, in which she said something very similar: that as horrible as this experience is, it is also an opportunity for spiritual growth. Hearing that really helped me believe that this is not just meaningless suffering.

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

 

(by the way, I fell asleep after I wrote that and I am sending it later now. A nap was possible! Or should I say  inevitable, but it was less toxic than I feared)

I'm glad you were able to nap...wishing you the best day possible!

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

Tonight I had the most terrible night. I was so alarmed.  Whenever I began relaxing and dozing off a bit, it was like getting a electro shock or a surge of something toxic in my body that shocked me back into being awake. This went on for hours. What makes this even more difficult for me, is that this was the reason why I started on the sleeping pill and then the antidepressants more than 10 years ago. It was so severe then that I did not want to live anymore. This background made this night even harder for me, as I had on top all the fear of the old trauma symptoms returning. I cannot go back to antidepressants, my brain would not take it anymore, I think. Sometime during the night I even took a bit of my old Zolpidem and it helped, I could sleep a little bit. Afterwards, the torture went on.

Taking the pill once is not a big drama for me I think, because tapering it was very easy for me, that’s why I kept it so that I can use it in emergencies. And this night was really an emergency. I was screaming at one point. And I wished I could have cried more than I did, but there was too much tension in my body.

now, I am terribly tired. I had to work and I did as good as I could. I am finished with this, but I do not dare to lay down. I’m too scared of a toxic nap or of this shock sensation that happens when I let go.

i’m sorry for this really negative post. But where should I complain if not here?

 

thank you to all of you for being here.  ❤️

 

 When I was reading a bit tonight, I stumbled over the following verse (Romans 5): 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 
i’m personally convinced that God is not putting us into our sufferings. But in them, he/she is with us and works in us and for us. 
maybe building character. Maybe giving us endurance or a hope that is stronger than ever before. We will see. Right now I’m still in the middle of it.

take care everybody!

 

(by the way, I fell asleep after I wrote that and I am sending it later now. A nap was possible! Or should I say  inevitable, but it was less toxic than I feared)

Our dear Nemina. I’m so sorry to hear of your awful night. I know this is all just some terrible wave that you are going through at the moment. I’ve experienced all the sleep issues in wd imaginable. I empathise fully. 
 

Please remember you are not broken. You weren’t broken before the ads and you are not now. 
 

This is where acceptance and surrendering to the night really come in. 
 

Accept that your body knows how to sleep. If you don’t sleep. Stop caring. Just accept that your not alseep. If you get jerked awake. Be radically ok with it. Accept it. Let it happen. Just rest. If your mind starts to get anxious about sleep. Be ok with that. Accept you are not in control of your sleep. Your body will do what it has to do. 
 

This stops all the second fear which I believe is what causes all our problems with sleep before wd. It starts with a little sleep issues, a bad night, and then snow balls into a bigger one through fear which manifests into sleep anxiety. 
 

Make a decision to stop. Stop worrying. Stop caring. Totally and utterly surrender to the situation. It will bring you such peace. 
 

What happened to you before won’t come back. It’s not an illness that you treated with tablets. It didn’t exist in the first place. You have learned new coping skills and understanding that will keep all that away now. This is the new you and you are harmed by the meds and that is the reason for your sleep issues. Don’t forget it and don’t let that secondary fear get anywhere near you. 
 

Chippy xxxx

On 3/21/2026 at 3:37 PM, Nemina said:

Welcome come on my thread @Bawneen! Oh, yes, I can see in your signature that you are on a very similar path! April 2025 you were where I am now: 0.31. Mg escilatopram. When are you planning to jump to zero? Though On 2.0 there’s probably still no end in sight.

i’m sorry for your terrible nights! I have taken a sleeping pill for more than 10 years and it was surprisingly easy to let go of it, did not feel any withdrawal, just missed the pill 😅 (of course I tapered it slowly).

 

wishing you peaceful nights!

@Nemina I'm only seeing this now and I'm pretty clueless on how to navigate the site. I was the same with SA, so sorry I appeared on your thread but we're both tapering Escit.  Hitting the 0.20 mg wasn't good, I think I should have stayed at 0.23 mg longer. Just be careful when you hit those really low numbers.  Looking back I hadn't stabilised completely and I'm going to have to stabilize all over again. (who knows how long that will be now) I've held for 30 weeks as I was waiting for surgery date and didn't want to disrupt my routine but that was disastrous - here in Ireland there is a bewildering ignorance of these drugs. I've had a truly awful few days, anxiety that turned into awful panic.  I am literally trying to hold body and soul together at the moment. I'd tried the sleeping tablet but had to reinstate although I actually don't think it's doing much these days. I wake up and 3am and ruminate.  Full of fear and have developed a face tic - it gets bad when the anxiety becomes full blown.  take care of yourself. 

So sorry to hear you’re still suffering with such hyperarousal @Nemina

I love the message about endurance but I still hope it will get easier with time 💕

Thank you, friends, your support means so much to me. ❤️

can not write long now, but wanted to tell you that I am doing a little better. 

I'm glad to hear you are a little better.

57 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Thank you, friends, your support means so much to me. ❤️

can not write long now, but wanted to tell you that I am doing a little better. 

Go to hear xxx

I do not know what to make of this:   on Tuesday I had a better day, when I felt that the constant tension of the days and nights before was loosening its grip. I was incredibly fatigued and very hungry. Felt like every cell in my body was exhausted and craving food. (Needless to say I was eating all day). Night was OK Ish, Wednesday (yesterday) I was also better and I was able to be in the office for a day which I had to. 
Yesterday evening, I went to bed, feeling quite OK, having had my little evening window, which I often do.

slept about an hour and woke up with a terrible fear sensation in the lower half of my body, mainly the legs. I tried walking a bit in the room, but it didn’t help. The whole night I slept not more than little chunks of 20 minutes, maybe 40 sometimes and woke up always with this terrible fear. Then of course I was awake for quite a while. The whole time I was working on acceptance. Actually that really helped. I did not get into full-blown panic or desperation like some nights before.  The fear is not in my head or in my thoughts, but my body is in terrible alarm and scared. It is hard to explain, but you guys will probably understand.  It must be adrenaline or cortisol or something chemically that is happening there.  Or the amygdala firing?
@Chippy, I am so thankful for your post to me on acceptance! I even printed it out and put the sheet of paper next to my bed. So much wisdom. You are wonderful. 

Acceptance doesn’t stop the fear, but somehow it is more manageable which makes a world of a difference.
 

I wonder what is happening with me. What I’m going through at night is the worst since I started tapering in autumn 2024. Even in acute, after a more or less CT of sertraline and a way to low reinstatement of Lexapro 2 mg after 10 years on antidepressants, I did not have such terrible nights. (I did have terrible days, though, worse than now. But not these nights with panic and anxiety and fear ). I had some mild stressors in the beginning of March when my family was visiting (positive ones) and then a little conflict with somebody, not very big. I have been holding my dose from October 2025 to February 2026 on 0,35mg and have reduced in February and March down to 0.305 mg. At first nothing bad had happened. The last two weeks I’ve been holding again. So why now? I am 18  months into my taper. I do not understand why things are getting so bad after so much time. 
 

Right now, there is no question: I have to hold until all this settles down. but I wonder if I should stay let’s say for a year or so on this dose in the hope of getting really stable (which I did never get between October and February when I was holding)  or see that I get down because I’m constantly triggering my nervous system anew with every new daily intake of the drug. 
 

I am sad and frustrated and worried. These nights are really wearing me out. 

thanks for being here, friends ❤️. So many people have written to me in these last days, I am very sorry that I do not have the energy to answer all of you. But every post is really very much appreciated. Nobody outside of this forum can understand what we are going through.
 

Sending you love and strength. God never leaves us alone. 

 

 

52 minutes ago, Nemina said:

I do not know what to make of this:   on Tuesday I had a better day, when I felt that the constant tension of the days and nights before was loosening its grip. I was incredibly fatigued and very hungry. Felt like every cell in my body was exhausted and craving food. (Needless to say I was eating all day). Night was OK Ish, Wednesday (yesterday) I was also better and I was able to be in the office for a day which I had to. 
Yesterday evening, I went to bed, feeling quite OK, having had my little evening window, which I often do.

slept about an hour and woke up with a terrible fear sensation in the lower half of my body, mainly the legs. I tried walking a bit in the room, but it didn’t help. The whole night I slept not more than little chunks of 20 minutes, maybe 40 sometimes and woke up always with this terrible fear. Then of course I was awake for quite a while. The whole time I was working on acceptance. Actually that really helped. I did not get into full-blown panic or desperation like some nights before.  The fear is not in my head or in my thoughts, but my body is in terrible alarm and scared. It is hard to explain, but you guys will probably understand.  It must be adrenaline or cortisol or something chemically that is happening there.  Or the amygdala firing?
@Chippy, I am so thankful for your post to me on acceptance! I even printed it out and put the sheet of paper next to my bed. So much wisdom. You are wonderful. 

Hey @Nemina I am so sorry for all your symptoms and great work on implimenting the acceptance. It won't get rid of your symptoms of course, but it removes your engagement with them, which I think removes much of the suffering.

 

52 minutes ago, Nemina said:

wonder what is happening with me. What I’m going through at night is the worst since I started tapering in autumn 2024. Even in acute, after a more or less CT of sertraline and a way to low reinstatement of Lexapro 2 mg after 10 years on antidepressants, I did not have such terrible nights. (I did have terrible days, though, worse than now. But not these nights with panic and anxiety and fear ). I had some mild stressors in the beginning of March when my family was visiting (positive ones) and then a little conflict with somebody, not very big. I have been holding my dose from October 2025 to February 2026 on 0,35mg and have reduced in February and March down to 0.305 mg. At first nothing bad had happened. The last two weeks I’ve been holding again. So why now? I am 18  months into my taper. I do not understand why things are getting so bad after so much time. 
 

From your footer you look to have held at 0.34mg from oct-feb?

 

Then you did a test drop in Feb to 0.335mg (-1.47%)?

 

Then in March made a further reduction to 0.305mg (-8.955%)?

 

Could you add dates rather than just months?

 

Often making cuts as large as this in one go, at this lower level, can be quite tricky and a slower approach is needed.

 

52 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Right now, there is no question: I have to hold until all this settles down. but I wonder if I should stay let’s say for a year or so on this dose in the hope of getting really stable (which I did never get between October and February when I was holding)  or see that I get down because I’m constantly triggering my nervous system anew with every new daily intake of the drug. 

Personally, as you have made the last cut within just a couple of weeks, I would immediately updose back to 0.335mg and hold there. I think it is best to nip these problems in the bud, and not hold through them. Holding with moderate/severe WD symptoms I think actually causes harm.

 

I think a hold, after an updose, is a good idea. A long hold, yes maybe. Then I would consider a Mirco Taper rather then a cut and hold.

 

52 minutes ago, Nemina said:

I am sad and frustrated and worried. These nights are really wearing me out. 

thanks for being here, friends ❤️. So many people have written to me in these last days, I am very sorry that I do not have the energy to answer all of you. But every post is really very much appreciated. Nobody outside of this forum can understand what we are going through.
 

Sending you love and strength. God never leaves us alone. 

 

We are all here with you, you have our full support. You are not alone in this.

 

Chippy

I really feel for you, its awful we have to endure this .There is probably no reason and I know from experience trying to find one adds even more stress. You seem.to be doing better on the acceptance front than myself .Sometimes we do something which seems to us very small like going to the office ( not necessarily the reason ) but to our nervous system it's huge. No.one can explain why which then plays on our uncertainty it certainly 😊 does mine . I hope and pray this settles for you soon . Just know you are not alone in this journey .

1 hour ago, Chippy said:

From your footer you look to have held at 0.34mg from oct-feb?

 

Then you did a test drop in Feb to 0.335mg (-1.47%)?

 

Then in March made a further reduction to 0.305mg (-8.955%)?

 

Could you add dates rather than just months?

 

Often making cuts as large as this in one go, at this lower level, can be quite tricky and a slower approach is needed.

Thanks for asking @Chippy. I think I have been unclear and I will try to clarify:

(it is a bit complicated because we dilute the medicine at home and have changed the ratio during this time and also we have found out that we have made a mistake. Maybe it is a comfort for everybody else: my husband is a pharmacist and he’s also struggling with these dilusions. I will try to make  clear what happened.)

18th October I went from 0.35 to 0.34 I stayed on 0.34 for 108 days. That’s what it says in my signature. (I will change that, but I’ll leave it for now that you don’t get confused) Then my husband realized that he had made a mistake with the dilution process. So obviously, the amount had been 0.32, that I had been taking the whole time. So let’s go from there:

I have taken 0.32 for 108 days (October 2025 to  4th February 2026). Did not stabilize, windows and waves.

Then I went down from 0.32 to 0.314 on 11 February. (The numbers, indicate a very precise method, which is actually not the case. But that is what the maths say. I have now ordered a really high-end Pipette that will make this easier.)

On 15 February he again mixed everything different and I took 0.312 for three days.

18th February 0.307 mg

21st of February 0.302 mg.

9th of March 0,297 mg. I have now been on this for the last 18 days. 

could that have been too fast? I had a window 15th to 22 of February and 2 of March to 8 March. Feeling even worse since about 17th of March.
 

thanks for helping me thinking that through. ❤️

 

this graph is from ChatGPT. It might be not correct.
 

Edited March 26Mar 26 by Nemina

2 hours ago, Nemina said:

I do not know what to make of this:   on Tuesday I had a better day, when I felt that the constant tension of the days and nights before was loosening its grip. I was incredibly fatigued and very hungry. Felt like every cell in my body was exhausted and craving food. (Needless to say I was eating all day). Night was OK Ish, Wednesday (yesterday) I was also better and I was able to be in the office for a day which I had to. 
Yesterday evening, I went to bed, feeling quite OK, having had my little evening window, which I often do.

slept about an hour and woke up with a terrible fear sensation in the lower half of my body, mainly the legs. I tried walking a bit in the room, but it didn’t help. The whole night I slept not more than little chunks of 20 minutes, maybe 40 sometimes and woke up always with this terrible fear. Then of course I was awake for quite a while. The whole time I was working on acceptance. Actually that really helped. I did not get into full-blown panic or desperation like some nights before.  The fear is not in my head or in my thoughts, but my body is in terrible alarm and scared. It is hard to explain, but you guys will probably understand.  It must be adrenaline or cortisol or something chemically that is happening there.  Or the amygdala firing?
@Chippy, I am so thankful for your post to me on acceptance! I even printed it out and put the sheet of paper next to my bed. So much wisdom. You are wonderful. 

Acceptance doesn’t stop the fear, but somehow it is more manageable which makes a world of a difference.
 

I wonder what is happening with me. What I’m going through at night is the worst since I started tapering in autumn 2024. Even in acute, after a more or less CT of sertraline and a way to low reinstatement of Lexapro 2 mg after 10 years on antidepressants, I did not have such terrible nights. (I did have terrible days, though, worse than now. But not these nights with panic and anxiety and fear ). I had some mild stressors in the beginning of March when my family was visiting (positive ones) and then a little conflict with somebody, not very big. I have been holding my dose from October 2025 to February 2026 on 0,35mg and have reduced in February and March down to 0.305 mg. At first nothing bad had happened. The last two weeks I’ve been holding again. So why now? I am 18  months into my taper. I do not understand why things are getting so bad after so much time. 
 

Right now, there is no question: I have to hold until all this settles down. but I wonder if I should stay let’s say for a year or so on this dose in the hope of getting really stable (which I did never get between October and February when I was holding)  or see that I get down because I’m constantly triggering my nervous system anew with every new daily intake of the drug. 
 

I am sad and frustrated and worried. These nights are really wearing me out. 

thanks for being here, friends ❤️. So many people have written to me in these last days, I am very sorry that I do not have the energy to answer all of you. But every post is really very much appreciated. Nobody outside of this forum can understand what we are going through.
 

Sending you love and strength. God never leaves us alone. 

 

 

Im so sorry to read that you're in the midst of a tough wave @Nemina by it's nature it paints everything black and blocks the light that is always there but it will go as it come, just hold on, it will pass.

I wish there were clear answers to this hellish journey we are going through, as far as I know there's none, I only know that these drugs are pure poison and our clever system will recognize and resist it at some point which explains the side effects that are always experienced while on and certainly the symptoms we experience during withdrawal.

I put all my hopes that when we reach the final stage our system will find its way to a healthy baseline but the road there as we experience is brutal and very unpredictable.

Hang in there, you are so strong and you will get through this!

kudos on your acceptance work, it's so tough amidst the turmoil and yet you are doing it excellently.

I wish and pray that this wave will pass for you quickly, brighter days are waiting to come, sending much love and strength!

Edited March 26Mar 26 by Fullhealing

Got you. So I've written it out, and checked your/chat GPTs maths, in the format I think is best for the signature below:

 

17 Oct 2025 0.35mg

18 Oct 2025 0.32mg (-8.57%) Error in dose meant to take 0.34mg

04 Feb 2026 ?mg

11 Feb 2026 0.314mg (-1.88%)

15 Feb 2026 0.312mg (-2.5% feb total)

18 Feb 2026 0.307mg (-4.06% feb total)

21 Feb 2026 0.302mg (-5.62% feb total)

09 Mar 2026 0.297mg (-7.19% feb total)

 

Does that look correct? Im not sure what you were taking between the 4-11th Feb?

 

You dropped quite alot in Oct without realising it. You didn't really stablise. Had you known what you had done it would have been best at this point imo, to updose back to 0.35mg and held rather then continue to hold through it.

 

The inaccurate dosing won't be helping you. Getting the pipette is a great move. Nice stable doses will make a big difference.

 

Further reductions whilst destablised has obviously not been good for you. It is great that you have had some windows in that period, it is obviously your system trying to sort itself out. However as you were never stable before your feb 'micro taper',  I suspect that is why you are feeling so bad now. Plus looking at your reaction to your accidental drop of 8.57% in Oct, Im not supprised you have struggled.

 

I think I would attempt to put some or even all of the febuary dose back tbh. Going back to 3.2 would be a 7.74% increase from here. On the basis you only cut it 30 days ago, I don't think that is unreasonable. However you are trying to updose back to a previously unstable position. So perhaps treat it like a RI that has been off for a while, to be safe. You could perhaps try, 0.305mg +2.69% for 7 days and see how you feel then perhaps creep it back 3.1, 3.15 and then 3.2mg and hold with a week or two in between each move. Im not convinced its a good move to stay where you are. It is a bit of a tricky position to be in, but my gut tells me you should give the brain back some of what you took recently and then try to stablise from there. 

 

Could you even try to creep back some of the Oct drop? Well maybe, but I think that might be a bit too much to ask of your nervous system. I think the drop in oct, and how you haven't stablised in that time, is what I mean about holds after a 'bad' drop. I think they cause more harm than good. Updose inside of 30 day to me is very sensible.

 

If it all went well as I suggest above, a long hold would be the best I think. Give your nervous system plenty of time to stablise. As you said a good year to 18 months perhaps.

 

Sorry, hope that all makes sense.

 

Chippy

Thank you, @Chippy, you are the best. 💙.  
I think I have not been clear enough yet. The mistake has been older , so I went in October from 0.33 to 0.32. (it has always been less than he thought from the day on that he began diluting it). So there was no accidental jump in October. Sorry for being confusing.

 

I could go back up a little, that is true. Tomorrow and on Saturday I have a very stressful seminar that I have to attend. (Sigh). I’m worried if I experiment now, I might risk getting even worse and by that fully dysfunctional. So I think I will wait until Saturday evening. If I feel still very bad I can updose. If I settle until then a bit, I will stay on that dose. What do you think? Since I have most evenings a little window, I tend to trust that the wave will settle and that I’m not totally doomed on this  dose.

 

also, the Pipette has not arrived yet. I don’t know how long this will take, but until then a super accurate updosing will not be possible.

 

Thank you for all you do! 

13 minutes ago, Nemina said:

Thank you, @Chippy, you are the best. 💙.  
I think I have not been clear enough yet. The mistake has been older , so I went in October from 0.33 to 0.32. (it has always been less than he thought from the day on that he began diluting it). So there was no accidental jump in October. Sorry for being confusing.

Pleasure Nemina. Wish there was more of that I could do. 
 

Im still a bit lost as to what you took and when in oct. perhaps try to write it in your signature in the format I used? But it is what it is now as that was a while back. 
 

15 minutes ago, Nemina said:

could go back up a little, that is true. Tomorrow and on Saturday I have a very stressful seminar that I have to attend. (Sigh). I’m worried if I experiment now, I might risk getting even worse and by that fully dysfunctional. So I think I will wait until Saturday evening. If I feel still very bad I can updose. If I settle until then a bit, I will stay on that dose. What do you think? Since I have most evenings a little window, I tend to trust that the wave will settle and that I’m not totally doomed on this  dose.

Makes sense you would want to be ready to try and updose. 
 

I think it is totally up to you. Everyone is so different and reacts individually to these things. Broadly I think it’s good to updose to resolve symptoms that appear recently. Your situation is a bit complex. You need to try to judge for yourself what you think your body is telling you. Im right behind you what ever you decide. 
 

If I had to choose I’d updose I think. You’ve had a really rough time of it perhaps it will help. 
 

Chippy xxxx

I'm sorry you’re dealing with bad symptoms Nemina. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. To experience no improvement from your few months hold (I remember you questioning whether it was even making it worse), then have some good windows while making small drops, only to get hit with more symptoms now, is confusing. I think between the fact that symptoms can appear at a delay (and last for a long time even in a slow taper), and the windows and waves randomness that is superimposed on it all, and seasonal effects… it’s hard to pin any of it down to particular dose reductions or holds. I had this issue as well when I got to the small doses. I think we have to take a long-term view of the overall progression - if things seem to generally be getting worse as the taper has progressed, then slowing it down or holding for a while or even updosing is probably the thing to try.

 

I hope you get better nights and feel much better soon. ❤️

Edited March 26Mar 26 by sarahw

Hi Nemina, I hope the seminar hasn't been too stressful and that you are getting a bit of breathing room. 

It's the same old dilemma; Go up, go down or hold... Whatever you decide to do now or in the next couple of days, I'm really hoping it works for you. 

I am thinking of you @Nemina, 
 

I will send you love and prayers for strength and hope. 

 

Love from, Tracey 💚💚

Hey @Nemina hope you're okay! sending positive vibes your way 🌺

Hello friends , thank you so much for your kind words! 
I made it through the seminary the last two days and it was not that bad, actually I could even enjoy it. Obviously I was given a window, just when I needed it. Surprisingly this has happened to me now quite a couple times. Over Christmas and during my family visit, I had more energy than usual and less symptoms. And once  when I had to make a speech in front of a lot of people, I felt terrible for a couple of days in a row and even the day itself until I had to go out and speak. During the speech, I was strong and the brain fog was gone. Amazing. It almost seems like my brain knows that this is not the time for repair work. It’s the time for functioning in the world. And then it functions. I do not know how else to explain that… 

maybe this will give those of us who are standing in front of some kind of challenge, a bit of hope. Of course there’s never a guarantee.

I came home from the seminary, made a herb tea and a hot water bottle, lied down and did a guided meditation, that @Treefrog has recommended somewhere. I know that I have emptied my energy reserve (which I didn’t even know I had) and I will try to have a soft landing. We will see. Right now I’m very thankful.
thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts that came my way! They helped!

Love you all, Nemina ❤️

I found the same thing Nemina, when I really have to step up for whatever reason, I get the boost I need to get through it, and I usually feel a lot better afterwards at least temporarily 

Very happy you're getting a window and a bit of enjoyment!

8 hours ago, Nemina said:

Hello friends , thank you so much for your kind words! 
I made it through the seminary the last two days and it was not that bad, actually I could even enjoy it. Obviously I was given a window, just when I needed it. Surprisingly this has happened to me now quite a couple times. Over Christmas and during my family visit, I had more energy than usual and less symptoms. And once  when I had to make a speech in front of a lot of people, I felt terrible for a couple of days in a row and even the day itself until I had to go out and speak. During the speech, I was strong and the brain fog was gone. Amazing. It almost seems like my brain knows that this is not the time for repair work. It’s the time for functioning in the world. And then it functions. I do not know how else to explain that… 

maybe this will give those of us who are standing in front of some kind of challenge, a bit of hope. Of course there’s never a guarantee.

I came home from the seminary, made a herb tea and a hot water bottle, lied down and did a guided meditation, that @Treefrog has recommended somewhere. I know that I have emptied my energy reserve (which I didn’t even know I had) and I will try to have a soft landing. We will see. Right now I’m very thankful.
thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts that came my way! They helped!

Love you all, Nemina ❤️

So pleased for you @Nemina we all need these windows to gain strength to continue this challenging journey and here you had a great one, wonderful, may it continue!

Edited March 29Mar 29 by Fullhealing

10 hours ago, Nemina said:

I made it through the seminary the last two days and it was not that bad, actually I could even enjoy it. Obviously I was given a window, just when I needed it.

So pleased to see this @Nemina 😀

Hello everybody, my window seems to continue. It’s really lovely. Today is day six. I had a really bad night in between (but that was when the snow was melting on the roof under which I sleep, which always makes a lot of noise because chunks of snow are sliding down the roof. Making me jump out of my sleep every time. The anxiety each time was getting stronger and stronger so in the end, I took a third of a Zolpidem pill. (I have decided to confess every time when I take a sleeping medication so that I do not get tempted to return back to those. This was the second time I have taken one since officially stopping it in January.))

Of course I am tired, of course the window is a bit dirty with back pain, dizziness, and fatigue, but it definitely is a window! On Sunday I went out for dinner with my husband.  And yesterday, After a very short workday in the office, I was able to meet my mom in a café and do a little bit of shopping with her. She’s very old and I have not been able to do much with her in the last months. At work I have been way more efficient these days, which also feels great. Usually sitting in front of my computer trying to solve problems is  like lifting huge stones. Very nice to feel for a change that I can still think and produce good texts. I also went to the gym and did a ridiculous mini workout. But still: I went. That is what counts.

 

Sounds fantastic . Relish every moment 🤗