Just now, Chippy said:

Ive had this Raymond. It's frustrating isnt it. 

I thought it was gone, but last night, I had a small panic attack and after that, I have these symptoms.  Brain jolt, burning sensation, dizziness, and crawling when I close my eyes...

 

In 14 months, I have had three nocturnal panic attacks...

Oh no, @Raymond, that is terrible. I had this a lot 10 years ago. It was torture. Now I have it only rarely . I hope and pray for you that it will go away and not come back. 
 

dear @skamen I am so sorry that your suffering is still continuing!

just came by to tell you: we stand with you, the day will come when you can write us about a window. 

7 minutes ago, Raymond said:

I thought it was gone, but last night, I had a small panic attack and after that, I have these symptoms.  Brain jolt, burning sensation, dizziness, and crawling when I close my eyes...

 

In 14 months, I have had three nocturnal panic attacks...

Im so sorry my friend. These waves are so unpredictable aren't they! Wish we had more control. You do a great job dealing with it all and still offering such lovely support to all the members here too! Thank you!

30 minutes ago, skamen said:

Thank you for asking, @NT1100B. Horrible night, only 2 hours of sleep, woke up at 1:15, terror, living Hell.

Great that you have some relief, you deserve finally this.

Svetla

Hope you get for yourself very soon Svetla x

Thank you, @Chippy, hope also. This torture is so long, 12 months in Hell, endless...

@Raymond, the past night I experienced what you describe: I close my eyes and the anxiety comes right away, impossible to fall asleep. I am so sorry for you, Raymond. What a destiny we have...

Svetla

On 2/5/2026 at 6:44 AM, Chippy said:

Ive had this Raymond. It's frustrating isnt it. 

@Raymond Sadly, I have had this too. When I was CT-ed in 2013 off of Zoloft and then polydrugged--I tried everything to sleep but it was not coming. I had such a past with different drugs all clumped together that year, but it eventually went away--could not tell you how though, and pray it doesn't return.

 

Also Svetla, I know you will get past this. It is an awful feeling now, but it will not last forever. I have not read the Crossing Zero book but here it is a great resource about all that we going through collectively. It may give you hope along with the half-smile exercise. Let me know how that goes. And the polyvagal exercises I shared are good to practice daily. The brain will shift and they you will feel whole again.

Edited February 6Feb 6 by namastejen1

Dear @skamen, just dropping by to tell you that I think of you. Sending prayers your direction. 

Thank you, @namastejen1 and @Nemina, that means a lot, I feel I am not alone in this Hell. I pray to become functional soon, it is my deepest wish, even with some limitations, but functional. I want to be again a human being... 

Svetla

6 hours ago, skamen said:

Thank you, @namastejen1 and @Nemina, that means a lot, I feel I am not alone in this Hell. I pray to become functional soon, it is my deepest wish, even with some limitations, but functional. I want to be again a human being... 

Svetla

Soon Svetla we are all willing this to pass for you. And it will. Xx

Hello @skamen, thinking of you, as so often.

 

I just found this post. I think it is incredibly encouraging:

 

https://benzobuddies.org/topic/289000-things-are-better-there-is-hope-an-update-from-my-wife/page/3/#comment-3653072

 

take care, we won’t forget you, you’re not alone!

Thank you so much, @Nemina for stopping by me. That means a lot. You are a very kind person.

My cortisol/adrenaline spikes during the night, and the morning terror are non stop. And it has been for 12 months...

Thank you also for the link with the success story. It gives me a hope, thank you.

Svetla

Sending hugs sweetie. One day at a time. ❤️🙏

Thank you so much, dear @LostinCanada

Svetla

How you keeping @skamen I hope you are holding on to your resolve and staying strong

I am sending you strength💪and all the spiritual help I can. Wishing you better days and nights ahead.

Take care and please stay safe,            B.🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷

Thank you, @NT1100B for asking. My living Hell continues, 12 months straight, evening and night cortisol weaves, broken sleep, morning terror...

Hope you are doing well.

Svetla

 

@skamen are you planning to taper off the Mirtazapine?

Yes, @Luke, it is my the most ardent wish. I don't know at what moment I can drop to .2,7 mg. I am holding now at .3 mg since December 29 and the Hell had been full for 12 months now.

13 minutes ago, skamen said:

am holding now at .3 mg since December 29 and the Hell had been full for 12 months now.

Just give yourself time... your body is still processing the trauma of the CT and drug cocktail plus fast tapering of Mirtazapine. 

You are doing really well considering all you have been through.... your body will catch up...it wants homeostasis. ❤️🙏

Thank you, @LostinCanada, for your advice. I will stay on .3 mg. But the Hell is inhuman, my brain has been crushed.

Svetla

1 minute ago, skamen said:

Hell is inhuman, my brain has been crushed.

Svetla

Did it get a bit better when you updose to .3 mg from .27 mg?

The same agony, @LostinCanada. For hat I don't know now to proceed. My brain has been in anhedonia since February 2024 caused by the AD and it underwent one year of psychiatric traitements (drug after drug after drug...), 70 rTMS sessions, 8 ketamin perfusions. Finally came the CT in March 2025 from 2 ADs+ Lithium all together at the highest doses in 6 days... So my CT came on a already anhedonic and very weakened brain... Is this the reason of my inhuman suffering without window 12 months straight?

Svetla 

1 minute ago, skamen said:

So my CT came on a already anhedonic and very weakened brain... Is this the reason of my inhuman suffering without window 12 months straight?

I just know when we are so sensitive, everything extra adds to our allostatic load and causes more strain. 

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing we can do till things settle. ❤️🙏

@skamen  Svetla you’ve likely shared this point but I missed it. How’s your sleep through this misery you’re going through? I can’t believe how B copes with so little sleep. My sleep comes and goes. It’s never great but if I can get  5hrs, 6 if I’m really lucky of fractured sleep I can survive day to day through this hell. But the nights it’s much less than that  I’m basically sick the next day and struggle to cope. I melt into a puddle when I don’t sleep. I can handle a lot when I can. It sounds like you’re going through some pretty rough stuff. I hope you can get some sleep. I’ll include you in my prayer tonight🙏🙏🙏🙏. I hope u get some rest & peace. 

Hi @Pokey449, my sleep is awful. Sometimes I can have 5 hours broken sleep because of the cortisol/adrenaline rushes during the night. Do you have these also? When I can sleep only 2-2 and half hours, the day after is hellish: depression, double anhedonia, Hell. Do you have also depression? 

Horowitz advised you to go down with the evil Mirtazapine. Why until 3.75 and not to 0? When do you plan to start its tapering?

Svetla 

Edited February 10Feb 10 by skamen

@skamen Svetla when I can’t sleep it’s like a dog chasing its tail. It will goes like this : cant sleep for whatever reason, I become anxious, the more anxious I get the more I can’t sleep. Yes I sometimes wake up feeling like adrenaline is coursing through my body causing me to double up in a ball fearing for my life. It’s awful. Plus I often have pain, headache, nausea and shortness of breath at times. I’m more anxious than depressed I’d say. 
Im actively tapering the doxepin now and not touching the mirtazapine. I’ve always understood only tapering one med at a time is the prescribed protocol. Two at the same time gets complicated and hard to determine what’s causing what. I was on the mirtazapine before having the doxepin added. I should’ve NEVER taken the doxepin. I’m so angry at myself for allowing it. 
I told Horowitz that after I get off the doxepin, which could take another year to 18 months that I may leave the mirtazapine alone. It wasn’t causing me any issues. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life (I’m 76) tapering off a damned drug. He said he understood my logic but thought I should at least slowwwwly reduce the mirtazapine to 3.75. I said I’d consider it when I get there. I have enough on my plate now. 
Hoping we both sleep well tonight.