3 hours ago, skamen said:

the present state even my brain is blocked

This is part of the waves and withdrawal process.  I did not make any decisions because of the blockage I had.  I made my decisions based on others who were ahead of me.

 

But trust me, it will all come to you.  You will notice when one day, you start using reasoning and logical decisions...I sometimes still get brain fog but don't last me long at this time...

 

You will get there....just trust the slow process.  We are here for you...

Thank you for your support, dear @Raymond. It means a lot. You are so generous and always present to help.

Svetla

You have this Svetla, even if you don't feel well right now. There is no reason why you would be brought this far to not get better at some point. I'll pray for you and the rest on here tonight (where I am at). Take care, my friend.

Hi @skamen Hang on in there Girl, when we are IN the living hell, we get desperate for a quick solution,

this is partly the wave mind thinking as well. BUT there is NO magic cure, and with us being is such a BAD

state, this is a reflection on how bad our brains have been sensitized. This means DON'T add anything else!!!!!

 

When in the way we have unfortunately been put in, holding and stability is what the brain is craving, we even have

to watch our food. Sugar, Caffeine, Alcohol, and many other foods and supplements can throw us out of balance.

We just have to keep a mundane lifestyle, hanging on for dear life to PATIENCE AND HOPE.

We will get there Svetla, WE WILL. Have true FAITH.

Take great care,          B.🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷

9 hours ago, skamen said:

The psychiatrist proposed me today psilocybine treatment... I am so scared about this. Does someone have an opinion on this?

Svetla

This would be a bad thing to do. I’d not touch anything psychoactive Svelta. Unfortunately psychedelics are the new buzz word in psychiatry. Some have a terrible time from them. Steer well clear my friend. 

Hello Svetla, how are you doing? 
I have copied a very encouraging post from @Toast. 
 

I copy it in your thread, it might be helpful to look at it from time to time. 
 

“I had anhedonia for over a year and it was by far the worst time of my life. Nothing could bring even the smallest amount of happiness or pleasure, not listening to music, any of my old hobbies, completing things on my to do list, or a conversation with a friend. It was continuous even when I reinstated medication but it eventually went away, and when it went away it did not come back (although even after it went away I still struggled with other symptoms like depression, lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, poor memory, and poor sleep). I remember at the two year mark of my taper I felt like the anhedonia had completely gone and even though I wasn't close to being healed at that point, it helped a LOT to lose that symptom. 

 

My advice for anyone suffering from anhedonia is never believe that this symptom will last forever. It is not sustainable for a human being to suffer from anhedonia forever because it is simply such an extreme symptom that affects things too important to human survival. Eventually the brain finds a way to fix the symptom, just like eventually the brain will flip back the vision of someone who wears special glasses which invert the world and turn it upside down (https://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/mar97/858984531.Ns.r.html). Even if eventually is ~years like it was for me, I don't think anyone's brain can be "stuck forever" in anhedonia. I know if I would have known I would eventually completely heal from anhedonia, it would have helped a lot while I was going through it. So this is me telling you, you will heal someday too!!”

 

thinking of you, take care,Nemina 

Edited February 14Feb 14 by Nemina

Dear @Nemina, thank you so much for this encouragement.

My suffering is endless, horrible depression, sleeplessness, awful anhedonia, and it is my month 12 of horror. I read that people go better, have windows. I am glued with inner akatisia, hellish anxiety, hopelessness. Living Hell.

Hope you are doing well,

Svetla

Hi Svetla. I feel for you. It’s hard to keep a positive face on all this, I know.  just learned my situation is more complex than I knew. You have a complex history.  One step , one hour, one day at a time. Hang in there. 

Hi Svetla. I have no idea how my above post appears as a guest post. 
pokey

Hi @Pokey449, thank you for your post. We need to encourage each other. We both have a heavy history. We have to hold on, but it is so hard, so so hard...

Svetla

Morning @skamen Keep hanging on in there, WE ARE WITH YOU, all the way, eventually you will get

that window, holding at your present dose is essential though to get that balance your brain NEEDS.

My heart goes out to you Svetla because I have been through the same, and it really does wear one out.

I am typing this at 3.30am, when most people are ALL fast asleep. Crazy nightmare. Keep plodding and

keep FAITH. Together we will WIN.

Take care,          B.🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷 

21 hours ago, Nemina said:

Hello Svetla, how are you doing? 
I have copied a very encouraging post from @Toast. 
 

I copy it in your thread, it might be helpful to look at it from time to time. 
 

“I had anhedonia for over a year and it was by far the worst time of my life. Nothing could bring even the smallest amount of happiness or pleasure, not listening to music, any of my old hobbies, completing things on my to do list, or a conversation with a friend. It was continuous even when I reinstated medication but it eventually went away, and when it went away it did not come back (although even after it went away I still struggled with other symptoms like depression, lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, poor memory, and poor sleep). I remember at the two year mark of my taper I felt like the anhedonia had completely gone and even though I wasn't close to being healed at that point, it helped a LOT to lose that symptom. 

 

My advice for anyone suffering from anhedonia is never believe that this symptom will last forever. It is not sustainable for a human being to suffer from anhedonia forever because it is simply such an extreme symptom that affects things too important to human survival. Eventually the brain finds a way to fix the symptom, just like eventually the brain will flip back the vision of someone who wears special glasses which invert the world and turn it upside down (https://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/mar97/858984531.Ns.r.html). Even if eventually is ~years like it was for me, I don't think anyone's brain can be "stuck forever" in anhedonia. I know if I would have known I would eventually completely heal from anhedonia, it would have helped a lot while I was going through it. So this is me telling you, you will heal someday too!!”

 

thinking of you, take care,Nemina 

Thanks for this post.   It also give me hope too....

Thanh you, @NT1100B for your encouragement. Indeed, it is a Heal on Earth. I am so sorry for our sufferings, it is inhumane. The cortisol spikes kill me, unbearable anxiety, shortness of breath, awful anhedonia, brain fog, dizziness, derealization, morning terror... How long this agony? I am in my month 12 of horror...

4 hours ago, skamen said:

How long this agony? I am in my month 12 of horror...

Sorry @skamen That's the most horrible part, NOT knowing how long. LIFE wasted in my mind. HOLD though

Svetla and hopefully very SOON you will be in a window, I am hoping and praying with ever fibre of my body and soul

for you to get a window, showing you your own proof of healing, GOD will not let you suffer beyond what you can bare.

So holding off from more tapering until your brain has found that balance, giving you that window then continuing to hold

in that window, then in your own time, very very slowly micro taper off. Recovery will eventually be yours.

Wishing you all the best Svetla,      B.🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷 

You are always here for me, @NT1100B. Thank you,

Svetla

Hi Svetla. How you doing today?  I’m feeling pretty rotten myself and got wondering about you as I know it’s been really tough for you. I hope you are getting some relief from this hell. I see B suggested you keep holding in hopes of stabilizing. Hope that’s what’s happening and you are getting some rest. 
Pokey. 

Hi @Pokey449, I never have been so bad since March last year. My living hell is endless. Instead to go better my situation worsens. The latest symptom is breathing difficulty, it is awful. Two days before it was happening usually the evening and the night. Now it is from the morning... Shortness of breath, hellish ordeal.

Thank you for asking, Pokey.

You are not better, aren't you? I read regularly your posts, it is difficult for you also. What do you do during the day? Do you have some time where you feel better?

Svetla

We are all pulling for you as you walk through hell.  I can relate so much, to your suffering.  I'm so sorry.  And I understand the desire to feel even a bit better,  FAST. 

I had a practice,  (that I want to restart) of getting on my knees and reminding myself that I cannot do this alone.  I need God. I need others. 

I need support to remember where I am and what to do next. My brain is so....scattered.  

But every day I get more evidence that this is not "me." It's the drugs and I AM HEALING.  

For me, that reduces the suffering.  

When I believed my doctors who said I had a mental illness, I felt SO MUCH WORSE. 

Wish I could offer more solid comfort.  Just adding my support. 

Svetla. Yes I have times during the day when I feel “better” but that doesn’t mean I feel well. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy for some time, but I’m more miserable at different times. I think it’s an adverse drug reaction rather than withdrawal. I think the combination with the mirtazapine is a big part of it. But It’s very hard to figure out what exactly is going on and thus what to do about it. Nights are the worst. I wake 2-3x at night in great discomfort and starved for air. Sometimes I can go back to sleep, other times can’t and then I just drag through the next day surviving but not living. It’s hell. I often fear I will die and then often think that would be a blessing 🥲

Hey Svetla 🤗 It's been a while since we interacted. I am sending you positive wishes/prayers that you soon come out of this hellish place. I have been there before and you will get through it. It might not feel like that right now. Hold onto hope that it will and try to occupy yourself with a good daily routine--even if it is a small one, it anchors the mind. I find that adding some blessings or positive intentions over different parts of my life, such as food or drink helps me feel better. Like Masuro Emoto found with positive thoughts or music, the crystals in water were beautifully shaped. Negative thoughts or music created disturbed crystal formation. And we are made of mostly water. So put a positive note on your water bottle/glass and speak positivity over yourself. You never how much it can change things unless you try it for a solid week. I wanted to add @NT1100B and @Pokey449 here too for this suggestion. I know how hard it is when feeling so terrible, but the tide will turn and the sunny window will be over the horizon.

 

Slow down your breath as much as you can with deep inhales so any anxiety can start to calm down too. The breath is a regulator for us. Do you have essential oils at home? There are some good ones for breathing difficulties that you can mix with ones for calming--like citrus with eucalyptus or geranium can be for both. If you have pets, you need to check on pet-friendliness.

 

I do hope that everyone here that is really struggling gets that break through moment soon. Be well, my friend.

Thank you, @mars, @Pokey449, @namastejen1 and @NT1100B to be here. That means a lot. Yes,I have lavanda oil, I will tray to inhale it this evening.This suffering is beyond that all can be imagined.

Svetla

Hey Svetla, 

 

Just thought I’d drop by and say hi. I’ve read your thread and I’m so sorry to read that you’re suffering so much, I really am. 
I just hope it eases for you soon. Until it does, and I know this is easier said than done, all you can do is hang in there and take it one day at a time. 

Do you have a support network around you? 

Edited February 17Feb 17 by NBJ71

Thank you, @NBJ71 to contact me. Yes, the suffering is unbearable, so intense, with new symptoms (a strong stomach pain started 2 days ago) and so long (12 months straight without window). My husband is with me, but he works, and my awful state decourages him. It is so difficult.

Svetla

 

Edited February 17Feb 17 by skamen

I know things are really tough at the moment but you’ll get through this Svetla. Eventually things will turn in your favour, your symptoms will start to ease and your days will feel a little brighter again. Keep pushing forwards, just one day at a time and you’ll get there! 

New symptoms on my month 12 after CT from 3 psychotropics (and now tapering the hellish Mirtazapine): stomach pain, nausea and shortness of breath. Plus the unbearable anhedonia caused by Paxil and which have been for 2 years now: one year under different psychiatric traitements (drug after drug after drug..., rTMS, kétamine) and one year after CT. There is not a life, I am no more human being, no emotions, no motivation for nothing. How was I able to fonction before this journey?!?!?! What these drugs and the psychiatry have done to my brain? What a mess! I am so sorry for the negativity but this forum is the unique place where I can express my anger. I know that this not helps me, what is done is done, but I cannot take anymore, 2 stolen years from my life and I don't know how more time this sgony will take... So sorry,

Svetla