15 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I just noticed how your message triggered a bit of anxiety and I don't mean to say that your message was bad or misplaced. It seems I really struggle with not having certainty and my mind jumping to worst-case scenarios because of it.

Well, what I can say to that is that I have seen so many stories where people struggled with the uncertainty, and still went on to recover.

That's a natural thing to struggle with, generally most people don't like uncertainty. Still, it doesn't stop you healing when you heal. You don't know the day, but it's coming anyway.

Hi everyone,

As of last Sunday, I am one year off antidepressants 😊

The last few days have been very rough as I experienced a lot of anxiety and malaise.

My mind is very hypervigilant again, scanning all of the thoughts I have and interpreting a lot of them as "dangerous" or "threatening" which then leads to adrenalin and cortisol being released. This is most intense during my mornings and gets better throughout the day. Late afternoons and evenings provide relief from this hypervigilance and anxiety.

At the same time, I feel very much disconnected from the people around me, as if I'm behind a glass wall. I used to be an empath, being able to feel deeply but that's been switched off since I started my antidepressants.

I still struggle a lot with being able to feel positive emotions. Anhedonia is and remains the most persistent symptom and it's the one thing I really worry (and sometimes obsess) about. It feels like it's never gonna go away.

Before March of this year, I had a clear window and wave pattern but the past 3 months are best described as being in a wave with several small dirty windows throughout.

I'm tired of this whole situation and I hope that things will improve soon because experiencing so few positive emotions has taken a toll on me.

The uncertainty about all of this being PAWS remains. It's like it's too vague for my brain to comprehend and, most of all, accept. I wish I could know for certain what's going on. My mind wants answers, solutions and certainty.

That being said, I am very thankful for this forum. Having people with similar stories and symptoms gives me something to hang onto and it makes me feel understood. I really want to see each and everyone of us get through this and emerge on the other side. We truly deserve it.

Much love and thank you for all of the support you give ❤️

PS: I am currently thinking about getting in contact with Melissa Boutilier to get some coaching. Has anyone had any experiece with her?

11 hours ago, Niels91 said:

As of last Sunday, I am one year off antidepressants 😊

Congrats!

11 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I'm tired of this whole situation and I hope that things will improve soon because experiencing so few positive emotions has taken a toll on me.

I think we can all empathise with this, atleast at times.

11 hours ago, Niels91 said:

The uncertainty about all of this being PAWS remains. It's like it's too vague for my brain to comprehend and, most of all, accept. I wish I could know for certain what's going on. My mind wants answers, solutions and certainty.

I think this is a big lesson in all this, trying to be ok with uncertainty and lack of control and answers. I think we are raised to be so 'pro active' and 'fix' everything and be masters of our own destiny. I think much of this thinking is an illusion and feeds anxiety. I think we need even outside of WD to seek some peace and accept we can only control so much, change what we can and be at peace with the rest. This thinking is helping me alot particularly at the moment.

11 hours ago, Niels91 said:

That being said, I am very thankful for this forum. Having people with similar stories and symptoms gives me something to hang onto and it makes me feel understood. I really want to see each and everyone of us get through this and emerge on the other side. We truly deserve it.

Bless you. I agree, each and everyone of us deserve it. You will get there, I know how tough it feels for you currently but please believe this is pwd, many have recovered before you and you will too.

11 hours ago, Niels91 said:

PS: I am currently thinking about getting in contact with Melissa Boutilier to get some coaching. Has anyone had any experiece with her?

@Its-me-Rosie is a big fan of the coaches and definitely reccomends it. I believe she has had sessions with Melissa and found them very helpful.

@Niels91 Congrats on one year off and it's one year of healing behind you and one year closer to your complete healing.

I know it's rough and I struggle with the same feelings and thoughts, but it most certainly is withdrawal/PAWS. Our bodies need time to get everything back in order again and they will. 🙏🏻❤️

I only talked to Michael Priebe (The Lovely Grind) but I've heard good things about Melissa too. Some months ago I was considering talking to her as well.

12 hours ago, Niels91 said:

Hi everyone,

As of last Sunday, I am one year off antidepressants 😊

The last few days have been very rough as I experienced a lot of anxiety and malaise.

My mind is very hypervigilant again, scanning all of the thoughts I have and interpreting a lot of them as "dangerous" or "threatening" which then leads to adrenalin and cortisol being released. This is most intense during my mornings and gets better throughout the day. Late afternoons and evenings provide relief from this hypervigilance and anxiety.

At the same time, I feel very much disconnected from the people around me, as if I'm behind a glass wall. I used to be an empath, being able to feel deeply but that's been switched off since I started my antidepressants.

I still struggle a lot with being able to feel positive emotions. Anhedonia is and remains the most persistent symptom and it's the one thing I really worry (and sometimes obsess) about. It feels like it's never gonna go away.

Before March of this year, I had a clear window and wave pattern but the past 3 months are best described as being in a wave with several small dirty windows throughout.

I'm tired of this whole situation and I hope that things will improve soon because experiencing so few positive emotions has taken a toll on me.

The uncertainty about all of this being PAWS remains. It's like it's too vague for my brain to comprehend and, most of all, accept. I wish I could know for certain what's going on. My mind wants answers, solutions and certainty.

That being said, I am very thankful for this forum. Having people with similar stories and symptoms gives me something to hang onto and it makes me feel understood. I really want to see each and everyone of us get through this and emerge on the other side. We truly deserve it.

Much love and thank you for all of the support you give ❤️

PS: I am currently thinking about getting in contact with Melissa Boutilier to get some coaching. Has anyone had any experiece with her?

Congratulations on a year off @Niels91 you've come a long way, amazing achievement, be very proud of yourself.

I relate to everything you've written and find that uncertainty is the hardest, groping in the dark without seeing a clear path is so challenging and draining but we will continue to hold onto the faith that we will reach a stable, safe place, we have an amazing system that is fighting its way, it will happen, plus time is on your side, you're almost there.

Wishing you easier and clearer days very soon, stay strong, bright long window is just around the corner 🩷

Congrats on this anniversary @Niels91. Like the others have said, 1 year off is a year closer to healing.

I’m sorry you’re still struggling. Reading through your thread, it does seem clear to me that this is PAWS. I have struggled with the same uncertainty too, but when I look back over my experience as objectively as possible it becomes obvious that the drugs must be the culprit.

This journey is long, hard and non-linear. It requires courage that many of us haven’t had to draw on before. But you’ve already come so far and I’m confident you’ll make it all the way to the other side 💜

It most likely is PAWS, especially given that you had windows previously, and the timeframe it has happened over.

Having windows before reaching a year off is a good sign of moving towards recovery, even if they've become less frequent and clear recently.

Hi everyone,

Took a day off from work today so I could sleep in and do a couple of chores. Had a solid 7.5 hours of sleep and was able to do my chores (laundry and ironing) but now I'm very tired with a headache, muscle pain in my neck and shoulders and lots of muscle twitching and some involuntary contractions. Apart from that it's the usual depressive-like symptoms.

Tonight I'll be going to a social event to meet a couple of new people. Curious to see how it goes.

I hope this all gets better soon and I wish everyone hear more improvement.

Take care ❤️

2 hours ago, Niels91 said:

Had a solid 7.5 hours of sleep and was able to do my chores (laundry and ironing

A good night’s sleep is always a relief, I’m glad you were able to take advantage of the time to sleep in. Sleep = healing!

2 hours ago, Niels91 said:

Tonight I'll be going to a social event to meet a couple of new people. Curious to see how it goes.

That’s great! I think going out and being around other people is really good for us, when we feel up to it. I hope you meet some good people and have a lovely time 😊

Thanks @SarahMc, my motivation is zero today but I'm gonna go anyway. It's better to focus on something else (bowling in this case) than to focus on how bad I feel. I hope I get a window soon because the battle fatigue is real... What a nasty situation this is.

1 minute ago, Niels91 said:

Thanks @SarahMc, my motivation is zero today but I'm gonna go anyway. It's better to focus on something else (bowling in this case) than to focus on how bad I feel. I hope I get a window soon because the battle fatigue is real... What a nasty situation this is.

Ya it’s truly terrible and I 100% understand the feeling of just being sick and tired of always feeling awful. It takes real strength to keep forcing yourself to go through the motions of life, so I hope you take some pride in that. Distraction is key and having good people around you who support you is key, so hopefully tonight brings a bit of both!

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a window for you soon 🤞🏼

Let us know how the event went! @Niels91

Hi @Sophia , the event went quite well. Didn't feel much joy or pleasure but I was invested and had a little bit of a sense of connection with the people there. Definitely better than sitting alone in my appartment 😊

Awesome!!

Hi everyone, 13 months off and here with an update.

I'm struggling and I feel hopeless as the past month has been very challenging. It felt like a looong wave with a few glimmers here and there but nothing more. Anhedonia and amotivation are still very much present with no improvement so far and my cognitive function has gotten worse. I hate it. I tend to forget things now and I have a hard time concentrating and processing information. The current heatwave is not helping either.

I feel both physically and mentally unwell and I desperately want to get better. This is not living, this is simply existing and it sucks. I want my full emotional spectrum back and to feel connected to myself and my family and friends 😞

For the positives: I am less anxious, less reactive to things and experience far less dread in the morning.

I don't know how long I'll be able to continue like this. I am just so tired and exhausted of this situation.

Hey @Niels91 I’m really sorry this wave is so stubborn, but glad you can recognize some positive developments recently. I’m have a psychologically difficult day today and spent my morning at the gym (absolutely could not sit still in my house) reading success stories on Surviving Antidepressants. There are absolutely folks on there who felt like you at just over a year off and went on to fully recover.

I know it feels like torture, but if you hold on I really think you’ll get better and you’ll be so glad you stuck it out 💜. Better days are coming!

1 hour ago, SarahMc said:

Hey @Niels91 I’m really sorry this wave is so stubborn, but glad you can recognize some positive developments recently. I’m have a psychologically difficult day today and spent my morning at the gym (absolutely could not sit still in my house) reading success stories on Surviving Antidepressants. There are absolutely folks on there who felt like you at just over a year off and went on to fully recover.

I know it feels like torture, but if you hold on I really think you’ll get better and you’ll be so glad you stuck it out 💜. Better days are coming!

It is incredibly hard and it may be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... I just want to feel better and get back to enjoying and loving life.

I actually don't want to believe this is permanent. So many others have gone through this before us and went on to recover so I should be going towards that as well, right? I don't want to give up but I don't want to feel so anhedonic either. What a cruel situation this is...

20 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

It is incredibly hard and it may be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... I just want to feel better and get back to enjoying and loving life.

I actually don't want to believe this is permanent. So many others have gone through this before us and went on to recover so I should be going towards that as well, right? I don't want to give up but I don't want to feel so anhedonic either. What a cruel situation this is...

I’m 100% with you on all of this. This is the hardest thing that many of us have had to deal with, including myself. All any of us want is to feel like ourselves again. And it’s horrible that the only answer is to wait out these awful symptoms with no real idea when we’ll feel better.

I don’t know if this is helpful, but when I’m really feeling hopeless I like to imagine that all the folks on here who are also struggling are pushing me forward — and then when I’m feeling a little better, it’s my turn to prop others up. We’re in this hell together, and we will make it out.

Hang in there @Niels91 it is a cruel experience for sure, but you will recover, just gotta keep going till that happens. I sometimes don't think of myself living more fighting in a war away from home and normal life. Like our grand parents in ww2 or something, a test of strength and resillence. I believe we all have it in us to keep fighting till we have won!

8 hours ago, Chippy said:

Hang in there @Niels91 it is a cruel experience for sure, but you will recover, just gotta keep going till that happens. I sometimes don't think of myself living more fighting in a war away from home and normal life. Like our grand parents in ww2 or something, a test of strength and resillence. I believe we all have it in us to keep fighting till we have won!

I really hope so Chippy, feeling unwell for such a long time is crazy. I took ADs for less than 2 years in total and after 13 months off, I feel worse in some ways. It's not exactly something to be happy about and it worries me...

@Niels91, what we go through is a terrible ordeal. Never known before that a such Living Hell can exist on Earth, it is an inhumane, immense suffering, so long and painful. I feel you very much. But we have to hope that we will recover in time. It is biologically impossible that the brain stays forever in this abnormal state, it seeks always for homeostasis. But it takes an enormous long time.

Svetla

Edited June 24Jun 24 by skamen

23 hours ago, Niels91 said:

C'est incroyablement difficile et c'est peut-être la chose la plus difficile que j'aie jamais eu à affronter... Je veux juste me sentir mieux et recommencer à profiter de la vie et à l'aimer.

Je refuse de croire que c'est définitif. Tant d'autres sont passés par là avant nous et ont fini par s'en sortir, alors je devrais pouvoir en faire autant, non ? Je ne veux pas baisser les bras, mais je ne veux pas non plus sombrer dans l'anhédonie. Quelle situation cruelle…

I just came here to tell you courage, @Niels91 !

You’re the one who told me "keep going!" when I was in a very bad place, so keep going! I still can’t believe the abomination we’re all going through because of prescription drugs. Actually I’m reading "staystill" posts on benzobuddies. They are always very interesting. She took anxiolytics for 7 months and it took her 11 months to "feel the world" as before. She just followed her prescription!

2 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I really hope so Chippy, feeling unwell for such a long time is crazy. I took ADs for less than 2 years in total and after 13 months off, I feel worse in some ways. It's not exactly something to be happy about and it worries me...

I took one for just 5 months, including my 1 month taper.

I was totally non functional, very physically ill and really quite disabled physically for a very long time. At 1.5 years off, I still had week-long episodes of struggling with walking and talking. This is along with all of the "usual" stuff like anhedonia.

Still, I improved, and still am.

You likely will too.

16 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I really hope so Chippy, feeling unwell for such a long time is crazy. I took ADs for less than 2 years in total and after 13 months off, I feel worse in some ways. It's not exactly something to be happy about and it worries me...

Give it time @Niels91 unapologetically believe in your recovery and refuse to listen to doubt.

I sincerely hope every single person here who is still suffering gets better and makes a full recovery but I wanted to give a shout-out to @GreggeryPeccary, @Sophia, @Kahran,@ALonelySoul12, @Redding, @poulette38,@Sminismoni and @skamen.

I've been following your journey for a while and now that I'm currently in a window I want to wish you strength and improvement.

Onwards and upwards 🤍