1 hour ago, Niels91 said:

Today marks 10 months off my AD and what an adventure it has been so far.

So much has happened in the past 2.5 years and I never expected to be here and sharing this road to recovery with so many others.

 

Looking back, I have made a great deal of progress. I was able to understand my anxiety and why it had become disordered.

Thanks to therapy (for the most part) and my AD (for the lesser part), I was able to establish a new relationship with that emotion and the many sensations, thoughts and OCD-like tendencies that came with it.

I gained a sense of achievement and I was proud that anxiety didn't have that chokehold on my life anymore.

 

And then came the dreaded numbness/flattening from my AD, about 5 months after I started taking it.

Since then, it has been a very bumpy road with lots of doubt, uncertainty and frustration.

 

At 10 months off, I can say that quite a few of my withdrawal symptoms have improved and some have disappeared.

For now, I still experience avolition, aversion, muscle contractions, anhedonia, a little bit of anxiety, sometimes negative and racing thoughts, low libido and very low appetite.

 

I want you to know that I appreciate your support, I really do. Not to mention the fact that most people on here are going through withdrawal themselves and still find the energy to support others is truly exceptional.

 

I look forward to the time where we are recovered, hopefully sooner rather than later!

 

Lots of love,

Niels

Happy to hear you have improvements.

Remember to focus on the good things in your life and your time in this condition shall fly quick.

Much love.

19 hours ago, Marina said:

@Niels91 So glad you see the improvements. In time it will all level out and get better/heal completely. You're on the right path.

 

Thank you @Marina, I hope you're doing ok. Wishing you lots more improvement.

18 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Thank you for this update @Niels91 wishing you much success on the rest of your journey, may it go as smoothly as possible.

seems that you took the reins into your hands and doing serious self work, that's really great and the right path to walk through, although the hardest but the most rewarding one! as you continue to walk the other symptoms will disappear as well.

keep doing great, much love back to you, take good care.

 

Thank you @Fullhealing!

 

Yes, I did and it was necessary. The amount of fighting and resistance just kept perpetuating the anxious state. Realizing and understanding I could "drop the rope" and take anxiety with me was an eye-opening experience and over a period of months, I noticed a lot of improvement.

 

Hope you're doing well this week. Let's keep going forward.

18 hours ago, Lighty said:

Happy to hear you have improvements.

Remember to focus on the good things in your life and your time in this condition shall fly quick.

Much love.

 

Thank you @Lighty, I will try do that as much as possible. Solid advice.

 

Hope you're doing well and wishing you the best.

Small update after my visit to the doctor.

 

I explained my remaining symptoms and that I wanted to get some tests done to rule out anything physical going on with me.

 

My doctor told me to check and do the following:

 

• A full and comprehensive blood test (will take place next week)

• Possibly an appointment with a neurologist

• Possibly a sleep study (to rule out sleep apnea)

 

Other than that, she still suspects it's depression.

 

I also asked if I could stop taking my statins for a while and she agreed, since I'm still quite young, but she warned me that my cholesterol levels will most likely rise to the high levels I had in 2024.

This Monday I will stop taking the statins for 3 months after which I will do a new blood test to see how my cholesterol has changed.

 

If you have any thoughts, please feel free to share them.

Hi everyone,

 

I got my results back from the blood work I did this week and everything, except for vitamin D3, came back normal. 👌

 

D3 was low (17.9 ng/ml while it should be at least 20 ng/ml). Tomorrow I start taking supplements to raise those numbers.

Other than that, I'll try my best to get out and get more sunlight on my skin. Hopefully the weather here will cooperate the next few weeks/months 😄

 

Now that I left my job 2 weeks ago, I have to admit that I feel better. The anxiety, aversion and avolition are less present and I feel more motivated to do things.

 

I hope things will improve even more in the next months.

 

Lots of love,

Niels

49 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

Now that I left my job 2 weeks ago, I have to admit that I feel better. The anxiety, aversion and avolition are less present and I feel more motivated to do things.

Good to hear 😊 removing the stressors can help immeasurably. 

 

49 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

I hope things will improve even more in the next months.

I have every faith they will. 

At 10ish months off, there is a lot of precedent for further recovery in the future.

 

I hope you improve more in the next months as well.

Hey everyone,

 

Need to vent for a moment because the past 3 days have been pretty bad and overall, the needle hasn't moved all that much in the past month. I feel like I'm at a plateau.

My windows and waves feel blurred and they aren't as distinct as they used to be.

 

I still experience a lot of anhedonia and have little to no motivation to do harder things. I just get overwhelmed... It's getting in the way of finding a new job. Add to that the uncertainty of this whole situation: Is this WD or is it something else? Is it PSSD and is it going to be permanent? Will my positive emotions come back? Will I feel mostly normal again? Etc. It's like my dopamine system is mostly offline.

 

I can't help but compare myself to others and most people here have very clear signs of protracted withdrawal/iatrogenic injury. In my case, my symptoms are limited (anhedonia, anxiety, loss of motivation, barely any appetite, morning cortisol, muscle twitches). Based on the symptoms, my doctors tell me it's depression and remind me that reinstating is an option. And they keep mentioning low serotonin as being the culprit... And yet, when I ask them if they can prove this, they can't, because there is no test to show this. And I just don't believe it, to be honest. They completely deny that what I'm experiencing is due to the SSRIs I took. They say it's impossible and it must be depression.

 

I do everything I can to take care of myself. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I eat healthier, I spend time outside in nature, I play sports, I go for walks, I sleep well, I socialize. But even with all those things, I still feel disconnected and so little feels good to me.

 

I feel very uncertain, frustrated and (for the first time in a long time) really upset/angry. I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep going at this pace. My parents are getting upset with me and they are also suggesting to get back on meds but I don't want to. SSRIs made me feel so incredibly numb and flat and I don't want to risk destabilizing any further...

 

I just want to be able to feel ALL my emotions again, good and bad. Be able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Feel love towards my family and friends. Genuinely laugh when jokes are made. Feel connected and invested in others.

 

I'm sorry to say this but this is f**king cruel and we should not have to experience this.

9 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

Is this WD or is it something else? Is it PSSD and is it going to be permanent? Will my positive emotions come back? Will I feel mostly normal again? Etc. It's like my dopamine system is mostly offline.

It's unlikely to be permanent, your brain is making up stories, it's been a year since you stopped the drug, people can have withdrawals for a few years+, don't jump to conclusions yet, if it has been 10 years, sure it might be a super long term thingy, but you are only a year off the drug, just do your best and remember nobody knows the future.

12 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

I feel very uncertain, frustrated and (for the first time in a long time) really upset/angry. I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep going at this pace. My parents are getting upset with me and they are also suggesting to get back on meds but I don't want to. SSRIs made me feel so incredibly numb and flat and I don't want to risk destabilizing any further...

Yeah we can all understand those feelings, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

12 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

I just want to be able to feel ALL my emotions again, good and bad. Be able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Feel love towards my family and friends. Genuinely laugh when jokes are made. Feel connected and invested in others.

You will in due time, this is all temporary, we all want to be healthy, it just takes longer than we'd like to, remember that you are just sick and your body needs time to heal, that's all, accept the sickness and surrender to the system, your body knows best how to heal itself.

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

My windows and waves feel blurred and they aren't as distinct as they used to be.

This is common. It’s often not clear. Don’t let it worry you. 
 

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I can't help but compare myself to others and most people here have very clear signs of protracted withdrawal/iatrogenic injury.

Wave brain is getting in your way! You have VERY clear signs of WD!!!

 

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

doctors tell me it's depression and remind me that reinstating is an option. And they keep mentioning low serotonin as being the culprit... And yet, when I ask them if they can prove this, they can't, because there is no test to show this. And I just don't believe it, to be honest. They completely deny that what I'm experiencing is due to the SSRIs I took. They say it's impossible and it must be depression.

They are wrong. Nothing more to say here….

 

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

My parents are getting upset with me and they are also suggesting to get back on meds but I don't want to. SSRIs made me feel so incredibly numb and flat and I don't want to risk destabilizing any further...

 

You must make your own choices. They care for you. That is why they are saying this, but what they are suggesting is dangerous. Show them this. https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/149-family-and-friends-just-don’t-get-it-letter-from-angie/

 

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I rarely drink,

This is a BAD move. Please don’t consume alcohol! Like throwing petrol/gasoline on a fire!

 

10 hours ago, Niels91 said:

I just want to be able to feel ALL my emotions again, good and bad. Be able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Feel love towards my family and friends. Genuinely laugh when jokes are made. Feel connected and invested in others.

 

I'm sorry to say this but this is f**king cruel and we should not have to experience this.

You need to work on your coping skills some more. It is all of the above tbh as you have said here. However most of the suffering is coming from you resisting. Accepting is the quick path to stopping this happening. 
 

https://antidepressantrecovery.org/topic/57-acceptance-is-key-why-does-acceptance-feel-impossible/page/3/

 

Time is your friend. You WILL recover from this. Build up that coping skills tool box. It will bring you peace, and make this whole healing process SO much more bearable. Get yourself out of this loop of fear you are in. You can do it. You owe yourself this. The one thing you can do for yourself you are not doing! Accept. Oh and don’t drink. 😀

 

Chippy

@Niels91 I am pretty sure it's still withdrawal. The symptoms are all too specific/typical to be something else.

And I know how you feel. We all do. I struggle with the same thoughts, feelings and symptoms (and some worse ones too). But, sadly, there is no magic cure as we all know. Just time and patience (and not messing up our nervous system even more).

It's not permanent. All success stories point to the conclusion of healing.

 

I don't want to minimize your suffering but symptom-wise you seem in a better place than most of us. (My first WD was pretty much like that, but I didn't know better and I got back on AD and now I am suffering so much more in my second WD. Take me as a "cautionary tale".)

 

Keep going, Niels. You will heal. ❤️

17 hours ago, Niels91 said:

Hey everyone,

 

Need to vent for a moment because the past 3 days have been pretty bad and overall, the needle hasn't moved all that much in the past month. I feel like I'm at a plateau.

My windows and waves feel blurred and they aren't as distinct as they used to be.

 

I still experience a lot of anhedonia and have little to no motivation to do harder things. I just get overwhelmed... It's getting in the way of finding a new job. Add to that the uncertainty of this whole situation: Is this WD or is it something else? Is it PSSD and is it going to be permanent? Will my positive emotions come back? Will I feel mostly normal again? Etc. It's like my dopamine system is mostly offline.

 

I can't help but compare myself to others and most people here have very clear signs of protracted withdrawal/iatrogenic injury. In my case, my symptoms are limited (anhedonia, anxiety, loss of motivation, barely any appetite, morning cortisol, muscle twitches). Based on the symptoms, my doctors tell me it's depression and remind me that reinstating is an option. And they keep mentioning low serotonin as being the culprit... And yet, when I ask them if they can prove this, they can't, because there is no test to show this. And I just don't believe it, to be honest. They completely deny that what I'm experiencing is due to the SSRIs I took. They say it's impossible and it must be depression.

 

I do everything I can to take care of myself. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I eat healthier, I spend time outside in nature, I play sports, I go for walks, I sleep well, I socialize. But even with all those things, I still feel disconnected and so little feels good to me.

 

I feel very uncertain, frustrated and (for the first time in a long time) really upset/angry. I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep going at this pace. My parents are getting upset with me and they are also suggesting to get back on meds but I don't want to. SSRIs made me feel so incredibly numb and flat and I don't want to risk destabilizing any further...

 

I just want to be able to feel ALL my emotions again, good and bad. Be able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. Feel love towards my family and friends. Genuinely laugh when jokes are made. Feel connected and invested in others.

 

I'm sorry to say this but this is f**king cruel and we should not have to experience this.

So sorry you are still suffering @Niels91 but this is still wd and very brutal indeed!

you are coping so well, doing everything right and have come a long way to succumbing to external pressures especially from doctors who will parrot back on a chemical imbalance while never admitting that the drugs themselves are the ones creating it, we know better, luckily it's reversible and you will get there.

Mind you that you are still enveloped in a chemical storm that influences your mindset to the negative, that's just the way it works for all of us in this process..

Hold on and keep doing so great, you can turn a corner at any moment!

Wishing you great relief very soon.

Edited April 8Apr 8 by Fullhealing

3 hours ago, Marina said:

I don't want to minimize your suffering but symptom-wise you seem in a better place than most of us.

 

@Marina I agree with you but the anhedonia/depressive symptoms are very heavy. They started when I was 6 months into paroxetine and haven't left even though my doctor told me they would disappear once I would stop taking it. 2.5 years later and I'm still struggling with them.

 

Thank you for the support. ❤️

Edited April 8Apr 8 by Niels91

Hi @Niels91,

 

If you don’t know this success story, have a look at it. I hope it will cheer you up a bit : https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/26725-siderale-one-year-off-meds-two-months-symptoms-free-although-i-thought-id-never-feel-like-myself-again-i-overcame-escitalopram-withdrawal/

 

Have a good day. 🙂

@Niels91, you are not alone. 14 years of paroxetine have thrown me in February 2024 in hellish awful ineffable anhedonia. I was CT-ed from the psychiatrist in March 2025 who also told me that after stopping the drug I will go out from this Inhumane place. Nothing that happened. The agony of the WD started. As I was polydruged I just stopped Mirtazapine 20 days ago. Now the terror is full: in plus the anhedonia I have cortisol spikes all the night and wake up in pure terror. I am a resilient person and I have endured many bade states until now but never experienced such an agony. It is unbearable.

34 minutes ago, skamen said:

@Niels91, you are not alone. 14 years of paroxetine have thrown me in February 2024 in hellish awful ineffable anhedonia. I was CT-ed from the psychiatrist in March 2025 who also told me that after stopping the drug I will go out from this Inhumane place. Nothing that happened. The agony of the WD started. As I was polydruged I just stopped Mirtazapine 20 days ago. Now the terror is full: in plus the anhedonia I have cortisol spikes all the night and wake up in pure terror. I am a resilient person and I have endured many bade states until now but never experienced such an agony. It is unbearable.

 

Dear @skamen, I read your story a few months ago and it made me speechless. I want you to know that I think about you and I sincerely hope that you start feeling better soon. ❤️

I have a lot of respect for your strength and perseverance. Please do not give up and keep going, even if you have to crawl. You will get there!

Dear @Niels91, we will win, we won't allow the psychiatry to take our lifes. 

@Niels91 Yes, for me anhedonia was the most disturbing symptom in my first WD. It was terribly uppseting and an unknown "feeling" up to that point. Maybe it's what pushed me the most to get back on AD. (I wish I knew then what I know now! But, it is what it is...)

In any case, I've read many success stories and this symptom is very persistent but not permanent. People heal from it but it takes a while and once they heal they feel everything fully and they enjoy life once again. That is the future that awaits for you. 🙂❤️ Time will pass and you will be yourself once again.

Hi @Niels91

I actually read through your entire thread and I noticed that I really relate to you. I understood that you also mostly experience mental symptoms rather than physical ones. While we might not be the worst cases in this forum, it definitely doesn't make this experience that much easier, at least for me it just seems to bring more uncertainty.

How are your windows and waves these days? Have you noticed any changes in their patterns? For me, it was really clear for a while, about a week in wave followed by a week in a window, but now it feels all mixed up. Waves tend to be quite long, but my mood fluctuates a lot even within a single day.

But yeah, I really resonate with the feelings you've shared here. I know that if I were to go see a psychiatrist, they'd probably just recommend trying another medication.

Hi @VeraVa

Pleased to meet you. 😊

4 hours ago, VeraVa said:

I understood that you also mostly experience mental symptoms rather than physical ones. While we might not be the worst cases in this forum, it definitely doesn't make this experience that much easier, at least for me it just seems to bring more uncertainty.

That's right, anhedonia being the most annoying of them. I believe most of my symptoms are related to my dopamine system not working properly and to me it makes a lot of sense.

I can definitely relate to the uncertainty. As you probably have read, I also have a lot of doubt about this whole situation. I often wonder when all of my feelings will return.

4 hours ago, VeraVa said:

How are your windows and waves these days? Have you noticed any changes in their patterns? For me, it was really clear for a while, about a week in wave followed by a week in a window, but now it feels all mixed up. Waves tend to be quite long, but my mood fluctuates a lot even within a single day.

Well, since March rolled in, the pattern seems to have become kind of dirty or hazy. They are less distinct.

My windows are slightly better than a few months ago and I would describe it as feeling mostly neutral. They last for a few days, typically. However, I haven't really had moments where I can enjoy things and that worries me, especially since I still have very low libido. my mind then makes the connection with PSSD and since I've heard that it became permanent for some, my brain latches on to it and tends to catastrophize. 😅

Waves feel less heavy/disruptive and now last for 2-3 days, sometimes only a few hours. During these waves, I experience low mood, low appetite, fatigue, very low motivation, apathy, avolition.

Anhedonia and muscle twitching are always there, even during my windows.

4 hours ago, VeraVa said:

I know that if I were to go see a psychiatrist, they'd probably just recommend trying another medication.

I would not be surprised if he/she did! On the other hand, they can't really offer anything else. They are medical doctors, after all. Both my general practitioner and psychiatrist have said that restarting the medication is always an option but I told them I won't since I had a hard time on them. The side-effects were quite brutal and the numbness I felt was something I had never experienced before.

16 hours ago, Niels91 said:

That's right, anhedonia being the most annoying of them. I believe most of my symptoms are related to my dopamine system not working properly and to me it makes a lot of sense.

I can definitely relate to the uncertainty. As you probably have read, I also have a lot of doubt about this whole situation. I often wonder when all of my feelings will return.

Yep, I feel like many of us have that one "main symptom" that feels the absolute worst and makes it seem like everything would almost be okay if just that one thing weren't there. I sometimes catch myself dreaming about how easy it would be if I had entirely different symptoms instead. But I'm pretty sure those would feel just as awful lol.

16 hours ago, Niels91 said:

Well, since March rolled in, the pattern seems to have become kind of dirty or hazy. They are less distinct.

My windows are slightly better than a few months ago and I would describe it as feeling mostly neutral. They last for a few days, typically. However, I haven't really had moments where I can enjoy things and that worries me, especially since I still have very low libido. my mind then makes the connection with PSSD and since I've heard that it became permanent for some, my brain latches on to it and tends to catastrophize. 😅

Waves feel less heavy/disruptive and now last for 2-3 days, sometimes only a few hours. During these waves, I experience low mood, low appetite, fatigue, very low motivation, apathy, avolition.

Anhedonia and muscle twitching are always there, even during my windows.

It's good to hear that your waves don't last too long :) It seems pretty common for waves and windows to change their patterns over time and behave differently than before. And regarding the libido, I've noticed that many people worry about the possibility of permanent PSSD. But I think it's hard to imagine someone whose libido isn't affected at least to some extent by this (TEMPORARILY!). But yeah, rational thinking doesn't really help much when your brain clings to an idea like that.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

Yep, I feel like many of us have that one "main symptom" that feels the absolute worst and makes it seem like everything would almost be okay if just that one thing weren't there. I sometimes catch myself dreaming about how easy it would be if I had entirely different symptoms instead. But I'm pretty sure those would feel just as awful lol.

Haha, I agree! I've seen this in the anxiety disorder community as well to the point where people will talk about their symptoms and then start comparing them. "I have x symptom which feels so much worse than y symptom, you don't even know!" I understand, though. Wherever there's pain and suffering, these discussions will pop up and naturally so because no one wants to experience these things. We just want to be healthy and feel good, after all.

1 hour ago, VeraVa said:

It's good to hear that your waves don't last too long :) It seems pretty common for waves and windows to change their patterns over time and behave differently than before. And regarding the libido, I've noticed that many people worry about the possibility of permanent PSSD. But I think it's hard to imagine someone whose libido isn't affected at least to some extent by this (TEMPORARILY!). But yeah, rational thinking doesn't really help much when your brain clings to an idea like that.

It's definitely an improvement and it continues to go that way but it's not always easy to notice. When I look at the time I started my taper when I was still on escitalopram and now, lots of symptoms have eased and some have even disappeared. That's what I try to focus on instead of looking at the symptoms that remain. Slowly but surely I'm starting to actually believe that everything will be alright. 😊

Hi everyone,

A little update from my side since I'm 11 months off.

My symptoms are pretty much the same as they were about a month ago: Anhedonia, apathy, low appetite and low libido with some muscle twitches and contractions. The line between windows and waves is kind of blurry at this time.

I have also managed to find a new job and will start working again in about 2 weeks. Not entirely certain how this will fare since I still struggle a bit but I'm going to do my best.

I really hope things will continue to improve. The fact that nothing has really shifted in the past few weeks worries me sometimes...

I wish everyone more healing and a wonderful weekend.

4 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

I have also managed to find a new job and will start working again in about 2 weeks. Not entirely certain how this will fare since I still struggle a bit but I'm going to do my best.

Congratulations. Hope it all goes ok. Might be a good distraction for you.

4 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

I really hope things will continue to improve. The fact that nothing has really shifted in the past few weeks worries me sometimes...

The healing trajectory is so non linear, try not to worry. It’s not like healing from anything else this. Doesn’t mean anything.

5 minutes ago, Niels91 said:

wish everyone more healing and a wonderful weekend.

You too @Niels91