Thank you very much @Chippy @Beehive @gardengirl2 @Raymond @Catbird @Traceyappreciate your encouragement a lot.

I'm Just in a huge emotional flood, his death, my absences and guilt and from there it flows to my aging parents, future, past, my current life that they are not actually living just surviving.. as if a huge dam opened with the most difficult emotions, most of which I closed in a drawer with a "do not touch" label and I am suffocating.

What is strange or actually not that I lost my older brother a few years ago and although he struggled for many years with an autoimmune disease that ate away at his body in an unrealistic way I always thought that he would continue to live, when his time came while I was on a full dose of Paxil the experience was completely different, the body did respond with endless sobbing but the emotion was mostly absent which made everything more bearable.

Don't get me wrong, It does not sweep me away thinking about going back to the drug only reinforces the knowledge that I cannot cope alone, it is too overwhelming and made me start fishing for therapists yesterday in the hope of finding someone who understands this process which is very, very rare to find.

I'm sorry friends, I feel a strong need to share and I hope this doesn't bring anyone down, I don't like this extra sensitive side of me, it was always seen as a weakness in my family and wasn't taken seriously and has stuck since then, but the goal is to know how to deal with every emotion that appears which it's terribly tough especially when the mind is so unbalanced and still affected by chemicals.

And apologize in advance if I'm here but less responsive, right now it's just too much, thinking about you all.

Edited April 12Apr 12 by Fullhealing

7 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

I don't like this extra sensitive side of me, it was always seen as a weakness in my family and wasn't taken seriously and has stuck since then, but the goal is to know how to deal with every emotion that appears which it's terribly tough especially when the mind is so unbalanced and still affected by chemicals.

And apologize in advance if I'm here but less responsive, right now it's just too much, thinking about you all.

Hi @Fullhealing I've started welcoming in my very sensitive part of me. I'm feeling a lot more emotional these days which I see as signs of healing. Some of the emotions like doom and dread are very overwhelming and painful. This is when I try to nurture myself.  Like you I had poor modelling from my parents when it came to emotions. After being drugged for ~30 years I'm teaching myself how to either act on and not act on certain emotions. More importantly I'm allowing myself to feel and acknowledge emotions.  I have CPTSD so I know I'm still very dissociated at times. I'll keep doing therapy for the duration of my withdrawal as I really want healthy and helpful emotions to fully recover.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I know the next few weeks, months or longer will be difficult.  These emotion are what makes us human.  Take care 🤗🧡

18 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

'm sorry friends, I feel a strong need to share and I hope this doesn't bring anyone down,

Dont apologise. We are here for you.

 

18 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

And apologize in advance if I'm here but less responsive, right now it's just too much, thinking about you all.

No you need to look after yourself. Come here as much or as little as you want.

 

Thank of you xxx

@Fullhealing So sorry for your loss.

I know the guilt feeling. I wasn’t in a mental state to be there for her, when my mother passed years back. 
It took me some time to accept that that was how it was. And I couldn’t have done it differently. 
Now I talk to her frequently. In the beginning to ask for her forgivness. Now I thank her for what we did have together and what she did for me all my life. And I often send her loving thoughts. She is relieved that her suffering ended where she is, and full of understanding. It helps me a lot. She sends love back. 
Just my humble experience. 
I wish you all the best, and know that you will be able to cope with your loss.

💕💕

 

2 hours ago, Haa said:

@Fullhealing So sorry for your loss.

I know the guilt feeling. I wasn’t in a mental state to be there for her, when my mother passed years back. 
It took me some time to accept that that was how it was. And I couldn’t have done it differently. 
Now I talk to her frequently. In the beginning to ask for her forgivness. Now I thank her for what we did have together and what she did for me all my life. And I often send her loving thoughts. She is relieved that her suffering ended where she is, and full of understanding. It helps me a lot. She sends love back. 
Just my humble experience. 
I wish you all the best, and know that you will be able to cope with your loss.

💕💕

 

Beautiful @Haa

I’m so very sorry @Fullhealing 

❤️‍🩹❤️❤️‍🩹

I am very sorry for your loss, @Fullhealing. Please be kind to yourself. You have been very sick and you still are, you just have not been able to keep contact with people whom you genuinely love. It is like that for most of us. It is just when something happens and especially when someone dies that we feel we should have acted differently and get gripped by guilt. But we all here have to withdraw from friends and sometimes from close family members, because we just do not have the energy and the capacities to maintain these relationships. You are not guilty, you have been struggling to lead your life.

my experience in working with people who have lost a loved one is that it can be very helpful to do a ritual. Even if you just do it all by yourself. So if you cannot go to sit Shiva, maybe you can find your own ritual to say goodbye to your friend.

we love you and think of you, come here to talk about this as much as you want and as is good for you.

@Fullhealing Thinking of you ,my heart goes out to you in this difficult time . You will be so full of emotions, please don't feel guilty ,you weren't yourself when he contacted you ,you had no idea what laid ahead. Withdrawal took this from you ,dont let it take anything else ❤️

@Fullhealing I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

These things are very hard to deal with in our natural state. When in withdrawal, it's much harder. Please be kind to yourself.

 

It's okay to not be ok and to find this very difficult. It's also ok to share that difficulty here.

On 4/12/2026 at 1:56 AM, Fullhealing said:

Thank you very much @Chippy @Beehive @gardengirl2 @Raymond @Catbird @Traceyappreciate your encouragement a lot.

I'm Just in a huge emotional flood, his death, my absences and guilt and from there it flows to my aging parents, future, past, my current life that they are not actually living just surviving.. as if a huge dam opened with the most difficult emotions, most of which I closed in a drawer with a "do not touch" label and I am suffocating.

What is strange or actually not that I lost my older brother a few years ago and although he struggled for many years with an autoimmune disease that ate away at his body in an unrealistic way I always thought that he would continue to live, when his time came while I was on a full dose of Paxil the experience was completely different, the body did respond with endless sobbing but the emotion was mostly absent which made everything more bearable.

Don't get me wrong, It does not sweep me away thinking about going back to the drug only reinforces the knowledge that I cannot cope alone, it is too overwhelming and made me start fishing for therapists yesterday in the hope of finding someone who understands this process which is very, very rare to find.

I'm sorry friends, I feel a strong need to share and I hope this doesn't bring anyone down, I don't like this extra sensitive side of me, it was always seen as a weakness in my family and wasn't taken seriously and has stuck since then, but the goal is to know how to deal with every emotion that appears which it's terribly tough especially when the mind is so unbalanced and still affected by chemicals.

And apologize in advance if I'm here but less responsive, right now it's just too much, thinking about you all.

@Fullhealing...I'm sorry for everything you are going through and these withdrawal makes things even worst.  You are a strong person.   You have come up on this long journey very strong.   The lost of some while going through this journey is painful.

 

Keep pushing forward.   You will be stronger than ever.   Prayers for you and you know that we are here for you.

 

🤗 🙏 💕 

@Nemina @Raymond @Luke @Beehive @Tracey @Finni @gardengirl2 @Catbird @Chippy@Haa and sorry if I missed anyone,

I can't express my gratitude enough for your lovely support and kind words, it means a lot and gives so much strength to carry on! 💞 

 

Still deep in the dark unfortunately, trying to digest things and find a ray of light to hold on to, honestly don't remember such a strong hit for a long long time but I must keep on faith that I'll get over this.

 

update:

Yesterday morning head pain/pressure came back full force with nausea and a little vomiting so gave in and went to my family doctor for a check up, she didn't take unnecessary risk and sent me to 12 challenging hours in the ER where they did blood + eyes tests with head CT that came out fine with a referral for an MRI later and though I was pretty convinced it wouldn't show anything I'm glad it was all done in one go which saved me months of waiting outside.

The neurologist's final conclusion was that it was migraines, which I've never had before!! with a recommendation for intravenous steroid treatment there with pills for a short time outside which I firmly refused.

 

Currently:

pain and pressure still about the same but knowing full sure that's is not serious takes some of the mental burden off and giving peace to the hypochondriac side which I never had before this hellish process..

 

So sorry for being much less active and missing threads, it sits heavily that I can't give back a little of the much I receive but I'll get there.

 

Sending health, love, and strength to all, one little step at the time we'll get there 🙏💕

26 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

Still deep in the dark unfortunately, trying to digest things and find a ray of light to hold on to, honestly don't remember such a strong hit for a long long time but I must keep on faith that I'll get over this.

So sorry to read @Fullhealing You will get of this! Time is the healer 🙂 

 

27 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

update:

Yesterday morning head pain/pressure came back full force with nausea and a little vomiting so gave in and went to my family doctor for a check up, she didn't take unnecessary risk and sent me to 12 challenging hours in the ER where they did blood + eyes tests with head CT that came out fine with a referral for an MRI later and though I was pretty convinced it wouldn't show anything I'm glad it was all done in one go which saved me months of waiting outside.

The neurologist's final conclusion was that it was migraines, which I've never had before!! with a recommendation for intravenous steroid treatment there with pills for a short time outside which I firmly refused.

Glad you got checked, but as ever, nothing, WD....

 

27 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

So sorry for being much less active and missing threads, it sits heavily that I can't give back a little of the much I receive but I'll get there.

 

Dont appolgise! You give so much to so many on here!

 

Rest easy my friend, we are all here for you when you need xxxx

28 minutes ago, Fullhealing said:

@Nemina @Raymond @Luke @Beehive @Tracey @Finni @gardengirl2 @Catbird @Chippy@Haa and sorry if I missed anyone,

I can't express my gratitude enough for your lovely support and kind words, it means a lot and gives so much strength to carry on! 💞 

 

Still deep in the dark unfortunately, trying to digest things and find a ray of light to hold on to, honestly don't remember such a strong hit for a long long time but I must keep on faith that I'll get over this.

 

update:

Yesterday morning head pain/pressure came back full force with nausea and a little vomiting so gave in and went to my family doctor for a check up, she didn't take unnecessary risk and sent me to 12 challenging hours in the ER where they did blood + eyes tests with head CT that came out fine with a referral for an MRI later and though I was pretty convinced it wouldn't show anything I'm glad it was all done in one go which saved me months of waiting outside.

The neurologist's final conclusion was that it was migraines, which I've never had before!! with a recommendation for intravenous steroid treatment there with pills for a short time outside which I firmly refused.

 

Currently:

pain and pressure still about the same but knowing full sure that's is not serious takes some of the mental burden off and giving peace to the hypochondriac side which I never had before this hellish process..

 

So sorry for being much less active and missing threads, it sits heavily that I can't give back a little of the much I receive but I'll get there.

 

Sending health, love, and strength to all, one little step at the time we'll get there 🙏💕

I'm glad you went to check out and glad that it confirms that you are healthy.  This confirms that it's withdrawal symptoms.   

 

Our CNS is so sensitive that it misfires wrong information to the brain putting us in a hipochondriatic state.   This is one symptom that we need to learn how to reject... 

 

Now, you know, you are fine and time is our friend.   Continue holding and do not make changes.  

 

You have been on this journey long and surviving each day.   

On 4/12/2026 at 1:56 AM, Fullhealing said:

And apologize in advance

No apologies needed....this journey is not easy.  You have been doing well despite all the conflicts you and your country is going on.  

 

I wish this process was faster, but time and patience the only way to heal and be out of it ..

 

Take your time, go for a walk and cry out everything....I have done it....

 

It's hard to go through this journey and on top of it, we get bombarded with other issues.   It's like none stop.   It's like if everything is against us .. keep your faith and motivation to continue.

 

Take your doctor's positive results as a sign that your body is fine....we need to keep fighting these symptoms...

Edited April 13Apr 13 by Raymond
Adding comments

@Fullhealing if one of us had written your post just think of what you would reply to them . ❤️

5 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Still deep in the dark unfortunately, trying to digest things and find a ray of light to hold on to, honestly don't remember such a strong hit for a long long time but I must keep on faith that I'll get over this.

 

So hard…I feel for you. Yes, keep the faith, because it is true.: you will get over this

 

5 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

The neurologist's final conclusion was that it was migraines, which I've never had before!! with a recommendation for intravenous steroid treatment there with pills for a short time outside which I firmly refused.

 

I think it was wise of you to refuse this recommendation. 
good to hear that they could not confirm anything serious. Migraine is often a diagnose that they give why they do not know where the headaches come from.
(by the way, I have had chronic migraines for many many years , often more than 11 days a month and in the last years there has been tremendous progress on the medication side. I now get a shot with antibodies every month and it works like a miracle for me. Not a recommendation, just to ease the fear . to know this in the back of your head: even if it is migraine, there are  new solutions for that, we do not have to suffer like former generations had to. Still, I would be very very reluctant to start a big medication thing. Your body is heavily shaken, your body and soul are in a crisis, this is withdrawal and sadness after the loss of a friend, it is a reaction, it does not mean you will turn into a migraine patient)

sending you health and strength! You are in my prayers.

8 hours ago, Nemina said:

So hard…I feel for you. Yes, keep the faith, because it is true.: you will get over this

 

I think it was wise of you to refuse this recommendation. 
good to hear that they could not confirm anything serious. Migraine is often a diagnose that they give why they do not know where the headaches come from.
(by the way, I have had chronic migraines for many many years , often more than 11 days a month and in the last years there has been tremendous progress on the medication side. I now get a shot with antibodies every month and it works like a miracle for me. Not a recommendation, just to ease the fear . to know this in the back of your head: even if it is migraine, there are  new solutions for that, we do not have to suffer like former generations had to. Still, I would be very very reluctant to start a big medication thing. Your body is heavily shaken, your body and soul are in a crisis, this is withdrawal and sadness after the loss of a friend, it is a reaction, it does not mean you will turn into a migraine patient)

sending you health and strength! You are in my prayers.

Thank you dear @Nemina the more I read around the more I think that 99.9% of everything I'm going through is withdrawal related, honestly I don't think it's migraines and what reinforces this and frankly quite absurd is that even the neurologist in the ER said that the likelihood of suddenly developing migraines at my age is extremely low but for lack of another reason he determined that this was it and straight away pushed medication.. the loose trust I have in the medical system is about to reach zero but each case is different and depends on the level of severity and suffering so I am very glad that you found a treatment that helps you.

How are you doing? I hope you're in tolerable place atm 💞 

Update 8:30am

Yesterday, since I returned from the ER around 4am, the whole day was between sleep/wakefulness with almost zero activity with mood all over..

This night, not restful, I woke up like 3 hours ago with an annoying chemical panic but now it's a bit more bearable.

I managed to close the grief in a hidden drawer for a moment, but I have less than a week to go to Shiva to comfort, so clearly the dam will open and there will be no choice but to deal with it.

After some digging, I found a therapist who sounded very pleasant and inviting with a price that wouldn't kill my pocket, treatment combined with methods of CBT, mindfulness, and classic psychotherapy which sounds good so we scheduled a first meeting for tomorrow.

I can finally admit that I need extra support now so I hope it works and also have to praise the amazing support here that gives me a lot of strength, critical when there is no supportive environment, I'm so grateful to be a part.

As for now, mood all over with the touch of on edge so I hope a good shower and a distraction at work will manage to get me out of it a little..

Physically-improving, hopefully it will continue that way.

We'll see what the day brings.

Edited April 14Apr 14 by Fullhealing

Wishing you a peaceful day 🙏

12 minutes ago, Beehive said:

Wishing you a peaceful day 🙏

Same to you @Beehive thanks ✨🙏

5 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

, I found a therapist who sounded very pleasant and inviting with a price that wouldn't kill my pocket, treatment combined with methods of CBT, mindfulness, and classic psychotherapy which sounds good so we scheduled a first meeting for tomorrow.

I can finally admit that I need extra support now

I think that is a very good step @Fullhealing! You are so brave and strong, but being strong sometimes means to face the fact that we need help and act on it. Well done. I really hope that the therapist is a good one. I have had some really helpful experiences with therapists. So let’s hope for the best!
and whatever happens, you always have our support! 💝

4 hours ago, Nemina said:

I think that is a very good step @Fullhealing! You are so brave and strong, but being strong sometimes means to face the fact that we need help and act on it. Well done. I really hope that the therapist is a good one. I have had some really helpful experiences with therapists. So let’s hope for the best!
and whatever happens, you always have our support! 💝

Bless you @Nemina you are such a kind supportive soul!

Nothing but the best for you my friend! 💜 

Thinking of you ,just remember there's not just one side to this journey, there is definitely two ,and I am positive you will get to that other side with the same determination you have shown throughout this process ❤️

46 minutes ago, Beehive said:

Thinking of you ,just remember there's not just one side to this journey, there is definitely two ,and I am positive you will get to that other side with the same determination you have shown throughout this process ❤️

How encouraging to read your lovely comment @Beehive thank you and much needed honestly as I'm not doing well atm, physically, head hurts like hell again and mentally, on the floor.. those awful waves.. just hope it gets better as the day moves.

I saw your massive improvement since last night, that's awesome! very so happy for you, may it last my friend! 🙏

I pray it gets better for you ...such an awful journey to tred. You've had a big upset recently which would of destabilised you even more . You will get back to your normal baseline I promise you . Hang in there do as much self care as you can .is there someone you can talk to . I do not like taking anymore medication but when I have a bad head I do take a paracetamol. Don't suffer anymore unnecessary pain ,we are worth more than that . You are enough..your are worthy.....you are loved ❤️