23 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Is constant SI common at all? It scares me tremendously.

Very common! Since the last cut especially in the last two weeks, I started having constant SI thoughts and it's not something I am familiar with at all, it's very scary but part of the process and mostly fades with time BUT as @mstimc60 mentioned, if it is really extreme please seek professional help, I had to use an emergency line quite a bit lately and it really helped.

Don't be left alone with this, we are always here for you but we cannot provide professional help.

Ty for sharing. I sorry you are dealing with this too. Very hard when those thoughts have never entered the brain before right!

I don't understand - my daughter gave me a tshirt for her Freshman high school flag football team that she is playing for and when she did I cried / balled and was so sad and depressed. I truly feel like my life is over and these kinds of things make me sad instead of proud and happy. That kind of pain has to stop for me to make it. It is insanely depressing and its not getting better. I don't understand.

27 minutes ago, Need to End said:

I don't understand - my daughter gave me a tshirt for her Freshman high school flag football team that she is playing for and when she did I cried / balled and was so sad and depressed. I truly feel like my life is over and these kinds of things make me sad instead of proud and happy. That kind of pain has to stop for me to make it. It is insanely depressing and its not getting better. I don't understand.

Your emotions are all crossed up because of the meds and your anxiety. Think about those old fashioned telephone switchboards where operators had to connect calls with plug-inn cables. Stick the plug in the wrong socket and you get the wrong connection. When your daughter gave you the t-shirt, you had a natural emotional response (so would I), but instead of channeling it as pride and happy tears, your mixed up system made turned them into something negative. The feelings were there; they just expressed themselves through the wrong connection. They'll straighten out over time as you make progress on recovery.

59 minutes ago, Need to End said:

I don't understand - my daughter gave me a tshirt for her Freshman high school flag football team that she is playing for and when she did I cried / balled and was so sad and depressed. I truly feel like my life is over and these kinds of things make me sad instead of proud and happy. That kind of pain has to stop for me to make it. It is insanely depressing and its not getting better. I don't understand.

I very much relate, part of the process unfortunately, your brain is in a state of rewiring, the connections are in one huge mess and create abnormal perception/behavior among other things, I know extra frustrating but it's not you and not in your control so don't be hard on yourself, it will take time for things to return to proper functioning but it will happen slowly with a lot of patience and self-compassion, you'll get there.

Edited August 18Aug 18 by Fullhealing

I know relationships are hard during a taper - the woman i love and have been with on and off for 2 years said last Sat night at 3 am she doesn't see us ending in marriage after she had several drinks but also wants to keep hanging out. Have any of you women or your friends ever done this/said this and is it always final? She has said this before a year ago and i just know my love for her is real and feel like our connection is something very special as does she.

7 minutes ago, Need to End said:

I know relationships are hard during a taper - the woman i love and have been with on and off for 2 years said last Sat night at 3 am she doesn't see us ending in marriage after she had several drinks but also wants to keep hanging out. Have any of you women or your friends ever done this/said this and is it always final? She has said this before a year ago and i just know my love for her is real and feel like our connection is something very special as does she.

I was just scrolling by and this was such an unskippable read.

I've been dealing with issues with women/dating for so long. But im not your age. What I will say is this.

Red Flag number 1: Being on and off with someone is not a stable relationship and ESPECIALLY during Tapering you should be looking for something stable

R.F 2: Believe what people say, EVEN when they are drunk. I've never said anything I didn't mean when I was drunk.

R.F 3: Not wanting marriage (I guess) but still wanting to keep hanging out SCREAMS non-committal relationship. Which is a HUGE red flag. (ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE RELATIONSHIP BEING ON AND OFF).

This is what people my age call a "situationship". You are obviously in love with her, but sadly she sees you as something that she WILL discard when she actually finds someone she likes. Have respect for yourself and simply say. "I really like you and I want something serious but if that's not what your looking for, then im not interested"

She will freak out, she will say sweet nothings into your ear. She will say nonono I'm looking for something with you. Or maybe she won't ******** you and respect you for having values. But either way the statement is not a way to convince her to change how she sees you (She won't), the statement is to free you from a shitty non-commital relationship that you don't need/deserve right now.

TLDR: You can't stick around for someone to truly love you. You deserve better. This is way more common than you think. When someone truly likes you, even as just a friend, you will know it. You won't even question it. They will show up and be consistent. She is not stupid and knows you like her. People do this all the time. For convenience... The more time you waste with someone who doesn't value you, the less time you'll have finding someone you truly deserve.

OR she’s dealing with her own issues and her defence mechanisms are in play.

Thats kind of a heavy reply @yoshi4844 . I don't think she is manipulating me I think she is confused. I think @Catbird is on point as there is a lot more i could share that points to this.

1 minute ago, Catbird said:

OR she’s dealing with her own issues and her defence mechanisms are in play.

I'm not saying all that to demonize her. She definetely has her own issues and is "protecting" herself. However, that doesn't justify @Need to End to put up with it especially when they are in a vunerable position as well.

Just now, Need to End said:

Thats kind of a heavy reply

Sorry if it was heavy. I've just seen way too many situationships like this and after coming out of one as well I'm pretty passionate about it.

I don't think she's purposefully doing this to cause harm. But the fact IS she's using you and she will hurt you in order to protect herself. And at the end of the day, you need to protect your peace and your health. Walk away to not waste each other's time.

Edited August 20Aug 20 by yoshi4844
Added extra bit at the end

She has some serious trauma as a child and I think that plays into this. Idk what’s normal here and I feel like the taper has so much to do with this this and my worth and when there’s a connection like we have idk what to do.

And sometimes girlfriends or any supportive friends / family need to look after their own needs, which includes time out. It's a tricky situation especially if she's shown to be supportive in the past. Trauma dumping is a thing and it's easy to overwhelm others when we're highly symptomatic and feeling needy. Hope you can work out something, might be a shame to discard a possibly meaningful relationship.

Thank you. Idk what to do. Also today has been exceptionally hard - I don’t know that I can push through all this stuff on my own. More and more keeps coming at me. Feel like I’m losing my mind.

1 hour ago, Need to End said:

Thank you. Idk what to do. Also today has been exceptionally hard - I don’t know that I can push through all this stuff on my own. More and more keeps coming at me. Feel like I’m losing my mind.

I think we’ve all felt like that when we were in WD. Things are rarely as bad as our anxiety wants us to think they are. Just take one day at a time.

This has to get better. This has me feeling like I’m so broken for real. It’s been 2.5 yrs! What am I doing wrong!!

Edited August 22Aug 22 by Need to End

35 minutes ago, Need to End said:

This has to get better. This has me feeling like I’m so broken for real. It’s been 2.5 yrs! What am I doing wrong!!

You're not doing anything wrong, it's the process, it's long and at times can be extra brutal.

Keep keeping it clean and working on acceptance, patience and pushing really gently forward, it will end at some point.

We are all right behind you!

Edited August 22Aug 22 by Fullhealing

But should it be brutal for 2.5 yrs straight??

38 minutes ago, Need to End said:

But should it be brutal for 2.5 yrs straight??

Yes unfortunately but it's a curve, the intensities change, I know it's terrible for you and I'm so sorry @Need to End it's a brutal journey, period but you can learn to navigate through it with acceptance, it won't make it easy but it will be a little more bearable.

Remember it won't last forever.

4 hours ago, Need to End said:

This has to get better. This has me feeling like I’m so broken for real. It’s been 2.5 yrs! What am I doing wrong!!

You are not dong anything wrong, unfortunately you are tapering out of a very difficult situation, your nervous system isn't very happy at the moment, time, patience and acceptance is key, one day at a time mate.

Is it normal to just keep waking up and feeling dread and panic and fear and also feel down about yourself for extended periods during this??

14 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Is it normal to just keep waking up and feeling dread and panic and fear and also feel down about yourself for extended periods during this??

Yep! All part of the package I'm afraid! It'll ease. Youre doing great x

26 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Is it normal to just keep waking up and feeling dread and panic and fear and also feel down about yourself for extended periods during this??

I agree with @cherrysquid . That's pretty much the situation for everyone on this site.

Ok. How is everyone not on the verge of not continuing life? This is insane and it’s so constant and long term.

3 minutes ago, Need to End said:

Ok. How is everyone not on the verge of not continuing life? This is insane and it’s so constant and long term.

Because as bad as it is, this is temporary. If it takes three years, that's nothing compared to a lifetime. Speaking for myself, when I looked back at my WD, I thought every day was pure misery, but in reality there were ups and downs almost every day. You're actually more functional than some of our other members, who can't even leave their rooms. Practice gratitude for the things you can do and try to build on that during your recovery.

I hear you and appreciate it more than you know. I just can’t take this constant fear that I have to fight through to do anything … anything at all even go to the kitchen. I think I could stay in my room if I had the choice. Even then I can’t settle because then my world would implode money and all the pressures - it feels like something’s broken and I’m only at 1.4mg. Been holding for 10-11 days and then will make a small drop again.