Well folks, back off my 3.15am walk, 0c but no wind so not feeling cold. Not feeling any better on getting

back, still on a zero and feel s**t. On wake up for the last time this morning, I just couldn't believe the power

of the horrible feelings and thoughts, after over 13 months off. Just still pure evil torture, beyond what any

normal person can even imagine, it truly is a horror on a different scale.

 

How said drugs ever got passed for human use is beyond me. NEVER can anyone foresee what devastation

lays ahead for you on these poisons, and to keep punishing you for years in the most inhumane way is unforgivable.

Now I had planned to sell the Motorbike today, weather dry, BUT I am just not in a fit enough state, so tomorrow

for now that is....maybe, maybe not that's the nightmare....never knowing our health from 1 hour to the next.

 

The one bit of good news, is the boiler is still working 🤞, I did turn the water flow temperature down, so it's

not putting the price up as fast on the smart meter👍 so again 🤞. So is today going to be a repeat of yesterdays

living hell, still on 0 so who knows, but just sick and tired of feeling so utterly horrible, loathsome and dejected.🤬

Take care ALL,                B.   

9 minutes ago, Chippy said:

YOUVE GOT THIS WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU! 👊

Thanks @Chippy appreciated mate.

Take care,        B.

Pleased to hear about your boiler mate. A tiny bit of good news. 

Thanks @Chippy yes 1 sigh of relief. BUT some things won't wait, as in Bike MOT or sale, end of month deadline.

Then NOT to be in a fit enough mental state, to visit Doctor to demand better clarity for DWP about PWD disability.

That would solve other problems. But also NOT mentally strong enough to go to the jobcentre and question status as in being 

signed off sick....showing a sick note. Simple things I am not yet capable of in this debilitating wave frame of mind.

Catastrophizing of even picking car up, if ever it's fixed. Living nightmare.🤬

Take care,       B.

14 minutes ago, NT1100B said:

Thanks @Chippy yes 1 sigh of relief. BUT some things won't wait, as in Bike MOT or sale, end of month deadline.

Then NOT to be in a fit enough mental state, to visit Doctor to demand better clarity for DWP about PWD disability.

That would solve other problems. But also NOT mentally strong enough to go to the jobcentre and question status as in being 

signed off sick....showing a sick note. Simple things I am not yet capable of in this debilitating wave frame of mind.

Catastrophizing of even picking car up, if ever it's fixed. Living nightmare.🤬

Take care,       B.

Sorry B you’ve had a lot all at once for sure. I hope you get that car back ASAP!

3 hours ago, NT1100B said:

Thanks ALL, I very much appreciate and welcome your fantastic support, it HELPS.

But here I am at 2.15 am typing, being awake over an hour after 4 hours broken sleep

I am into month 14 after stopping Mirt, and I know I am worse now than ever before, the 

nights with early wake up are brutal, on a 0 now, so zero improvement  there. Yesterday was

truly horrific, and more or less housebound surviving like a hermit.

 

So yes surviving like this is no more than a living hell, how much longer I can keep this up I don't

know. The problem is not being well enough to conduct myself in public, not mentally fit enough

to handle normal life's obstacles, as in not even up to going to the jobcentre, or any other place

to sort out life's problems. The mental damage these drugs do is unprecedented, I just seem to 

get worse, yes I have had brief lifts in an afternoon on a very few, 3 maybe but this has been a wave

since 27th of November last year, and it's still going with the same intensity.

 

Now I know this is the wave brain talking, but when I am more or less permanently stuck in it, I cannot

get important things seen too while being in such a hopeless mentally fragile state. This truly is the

nightmare from hell, with NO solution other than time, but a lot of life's problems  CAN'T wait for that

healing time, they are ON ME NOW. So yes that's the nightmare.

Take care,         B.

 

Truly breaks my heart @NT1100B but please know your extraordinary strength and resilience, you are a great fighter and you will get through this!

We are in this together, supporting you all the way and we will get to the other side.

In the meantime please be gentle with yourself, you are doing what you can given the circumstances and that is enough, you WILL return to a full and fulfilling life as time goes by and your system heals.

Sending lots of strength and love.

Morning B. Sorry you are feeling so punk today. I’m not doing well either but will save my angst for my thread & spare you here.  I truly understand you’re not feeling well enough to deal with life’s everyday tasks, it being a toss up from one day to the next what you feel capable of doing. Then to  add insult to injury friends & family can’t understand why it’s so hard to get such things done. I guess because they can’t “see” the misery that’s going on in our bodies. If we were bleeding or having a heart attack then they’d understand. 

Surely this wave is going break for you, hopefully soon. You’ve had more than your share of misery from it. Will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. 
 

4 hours ago, Pokey449 said:

Surely this wave is going break for you, hopefully soon. You’ve had more than your share of misery from it. Will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. 

Thanks @Pokey449 that means a lot Bud, yes 20 hour days for over a year wear a person down.

But not knowing how you are going to feel hour on hour is a killer. I hope you are doing better Bud

I bet you can't wait to get some hard facts off Horowitz, will soon happen, then you will have a plan

to put in place. I am wishing you all the best Pokey.

Take care,        B.🤞 

10 hours ago, Fullhealing said:

Sending lots of strength and love.

Thanks @Fullhealing Sending same back to you, we are ALL in this together. WE WILL recover

we will help each other ALL the way. I am praying you get the lift and window you need.

Take great care, and please stay safe,       B.🙏🤞

 

Hi ALL, well one hell of a horrible day through to 3pm, on a 0 until then and truly was one of the worst,

absolutely horrible, a living hell, just seems to get worse. But I was finishing reading a long thread on SA

A fantastic French girl who struggled like hell for 4 years with a Paxil CT + switch to Prozac but it didn't

cover the Paxil WD. Now she held for 15-16 months, in a very horrible traumatic long lasting state, But NEVER lost faith.

 

Now it did take her to the place where we can take no more, (been there) But after a long silence she appeared

victorious, WOW she had made it, the living hell had disappeared and left her in peace and tranquillity.

She is SO articulate in describing her agony through her months of living hell with never a break. But

to see her succeed was the BIGGEST lift I have had in a long time. REASURANCE that with FAITH and

PERSEVERENCE, and whatever TIME, we CAN beat it, NEVER loose faith.

 

So being lifted by that thread I did lift to a 3 by 3pm, not fantastic but better than a 0, so yes horrible morning,

not too bad afternoon, but all will be reset again tonight, but it's just a case of ACCEPT and keep plodding,

Now knowing more time however long, recovery will eventually be coming, we just keep faith.

Take care all,         B.🤞

Dear B., can you send my the link of this girl's thread. Or to tell me the name of the survivor, I will try to find her on SA. I really need a hope to survive, my living Hell continues in month 12.

Thank you,

Svetla

1 hour ago, NT1100B said:

fantastic French girl who struggled like hell for 4 years with a Paxil CT + switch to Prozac but it didn't

cover the Paxil WD.

@skamen I think he is talking about Erell.

Look at the last few pages...I think she held about 3 years after the bridge to prozac and now she is doing well...still has to taper the prozac but she definitely went through hell. ❤️🙏

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=449004

 

Thank you so much, @LostinCanada. You are incredible person.

 

3 hours ago, NT1100B said:

Thanks @Pokey449 that means a lot Bud, yes 20 hour days for over a year wear a person down.

But not knowing how you are going to feel hour on hour is a killer. I hope you are doing better Bud

 

100% yeah.

2 hours ago, NT1100B said:

Hi ALL, well one hell of a horrible day through to 3pm, on a 0 until then and truly was one of the worst,

absolutely horrible, a living hell, just seems to get worse. But I was finishing reading a long thread on SA

A fantastic French girl who struggled like hell for 4 years with a Paxil CT + switch to Prozac but it didn't

cover the Paxil WD. Now she held for 15-16 months, in a very horrible traumatic long lasting state, But NEVER lost faith.

 

Now it did take her to the place where we can take no more, (been there) But after a long silence she appeared

victorious, WOW she had made it, the living hell had disappeared and left her in peace and tranquillity.

She is SO articulate in describing her agony through her months of living hell with never a break. But

to see her succeed was the BIGGEST lift I have had in a long time. REASURANCE that with FAITH and

PERSEVERENCE, and whatever TIME, we CAN beat it, NEVER loose faith.

 

So being lifted by that thread I did lift to a 3 by 3pm, not fantastic but better than a 0, so yes horrible morning,

not too bad afternoon, but all will be reset again tonight, but it's just a case of ACCEPT and keep plodding,

Now knowing more time however long, recovery will eventually be coming, we just keep faith.

Take care all,         B.🤞

Your amazing B , you will survive this im

100% certain and Erell is just one that healed . Your going in the right trajectory you just have to keep plodding on 

6 hours ago, cheeky said:

Your amazing B , you will survive this im

100% certain and Erell is just one that healed . Your going in the right trajectory you just have to keep plodding on 

Thanks @cheeky For the encouragement, much appreciated, yes plodding it is. I hope you are doing good

again, we will ALL get there with perseverance, and keep hanging on to that faith in ourselves. I hope all's well down under.

Take care Cheeky and wishing you all the very best.       B.🙏👍🌷

8 hours ago, skamen said:

Dear B., can you send my the link of this girl's thread. Or to tell me the name of the survivor, I will try to find her on SA. I really need a hope to survive, my living Hell continues in month 12.

Thank you,

Svetla

Hi @skamen Yes no problem Svetla it's Erell she's on the first threads page on SA 66 pages, I read her whole

thread and was overjoyed when she finally recovered, It gave me the reassurance that all is NOT in vain.

So yes she is French and a true spirit. Went through absolute hell like yourself Svetla, then escaped into calm bliss.

So yes an uplifting read as she recovers. Take care Svetla we KNOW this can be BEATEN.

All the best,          B.🙏🙏🙏🤞🌷

Hi there Mr. B,

 

I also read Erell's entire thread. Yeah, she suffered a good bit and disappeared for a while which always makes us a little worried. But she persisted which is exactly what you are doing right now. And while you are persisting, your little neurons are working and reworking themselves into homeostasis and healing.

 

I think the reason you have so many folks checking in on you and wanting to see you succeed is because you know intellectually that you're on a healing journey, but you're also in the deep, dark depths of a nasty wave. We almost feel like we're there with you. And the fact that you are navigating this nightmare so resolutely gives us hope that we can too. Thank you for being an inspiration. We will not be content until you are well!

 

Peace and blessings,

Jamie ❣️

11 minutes ago, gardengirl2 said:

We almost feel like we're there with you. And the fact that you are navigating this nightmare so resolutely gives us hope that we can too. Thank you for being an inspiration. We will not be content until you are well!

 

Peace and blessings,

Jamie ❣️

Thanks @gardengirl2 your words are precious to me Bless you  So yes it gave me the reassurance that all

this time spent in horror is not all for nothing. Recovery is VERY much possible. So onwards we shall plod. I sincerely

hope you are doing OK Jamie, and taking it careful and slow and easy, we are ALL with you ALL the way.

Take great care,       B.🙏🤞💙 

Aw shoot, B. I was hoping you'd be sleeping. what time is it over there? It's almost 10 pm here.

Morning all, well another early awakening on a 1 at 1.20am.....so 4 hours broken sleep, no chance of any

more now. Was p****d off this morning because I couldn't access youtube, not letting me watch as guest!!

This has never been a problem for the last few years, or however long I have been using it. Not good.

 

So I have lifted a bit 3 maybe now, no walk yet, but I will probably be letting my motorbike go today so I 

will get my walking in when I sadly part company with that. Hell the problems these poisonous drugs cause.

If I was fit for work NOW I would not have let this happen, BUT that's FAR too uncertain yet as to when I WILL

be fit for work, so I just have to take my losses and chin up and keep plodding. I could MOT the bike and keep

a bit longer, but value goes down....no money coming in.....so no it has to go.

 

Yes I am clearer of mind at the minute 🤞it stays that way, even if it's just for today, a bit of important breathing

space that I very much need. Oh well we will see how the day pans out, 1c out but dry, and forecasting a dry day,

so all is good on that score, so yes it's keep plodding to the best of my ability.

Take care all,       B.🤞  

18 minutes ago, gardengirl2 said:

Aw shoot, B. I was hoping you'd be sleeping. what time is it over there? It's almost 10 pm here.

4.15am Jamie.    Take care,   B.🌷

Take care, B. I hope and pray your day turns wonderful. I'll check on you again tomorrow evening. Might not say anything, but I'll be there!

Jamie 🌻

3 minutes ago, gardengirl2 said:

Take care, B. I hope and pray your day turns wonderful. I'll check on you again tomorrow evening. Might not say anything, but I'll be there!

Jamie 🌻

Thanks  Jamie, bless you, sleep tight.       B.🌷

10 minutes ago, NT1100B said:

Morning all, well another early awakening on a 1 at 1.20am.....so 4 hours broken sleep, no chance of any

more now. Was p****d off this morning because I couldn't access youtube, not letting me watch as guest!!

This has never been a problem for the last few years, or however long I have been using it. Not good.

Morning mate 

 

The sleep reset strikes again. So frustrating for you. Glad you’re not on a -0 but 1. Not good though. 

Not sure about YouTube as a guest. In normally logged in. But when I’ve not been it seems to work. Wonder if they are making you have an account now. 
 

10 minutes ago, NT1100B said:

So I have lifted a bit 3 maybe now, no walk yet, but I will probably be letting my motorbike go today so I 

will get my walking in when I sadly part company with that. Hell the problems these poisonous drugs cause.

If I was fit for work NOW I would not have let this happen, BUT that's FAR too uncertain yet as to when I WILL

be fit for work, so I just have to take my losses and chin up and keep plodding. I could MOT the bike and keep

a bit longer, but value goes down....no money coming in.....so no it has to go.

Glad you’ve lifted. This is good. Sad about the bike. Did you advertise it then?

I’ll be happy the day you get it back. And I think you will. 
 

10 minutes ago, NT1100B said:

Yes I am clearer of mind at the minute 🤞it stays that way, even if it's just for today, a bit of important breathing

space that I very much need. Oh well we will see how the day pans out, 1c out but dry, and forecasting a dry day,

so all is good on that score, so yes it's keep plodding to the best of my ability.

Take care all,       B.🤞  

I’ve got them crossed too 🤞

Some breathing space as you say. 
It was very cold yesterday but bright. I hope today is nice too. Lifts the spirits a bit. 
Hope your day goes ok and the bike sale is smooth. 
 

Chippy