Hi Skamen

I think of you often and send you good thoughts 💗

Has anything gotten easier/ any symptoms lessening?

Do you still have pressure or pain in your solar plexus?

14 minutes ago, Finni said:

Hi Skamen

I think of you often and send you good thoughts 💗

Me, too! How are you doing? Any changes? Sending you love and peace.

Thank you, dear @Finni and @Nemina. The suffering is endless. What really kills me is the huge anxiety, a true terror. All the night I have cortisol spikes, hot sweats, dark depression. If I can have a broken sleep, at 5 am the morning agony starts, awful, feeling of dying. No motivation during the day, I only breath and survive. The solar plexus aches start around 7 pm, along with shortness of breath. I think at this time the anxiety restarts... I have been today one month without any antidepressant. I know that the suffering will continue. My brain is exhausted from one year in awful anhedonia ON drugs and 13 months after a massive CT from 3 psychotropics. And now one month ADs free. It has to do many reajustments, it is profoundly injured... But we won't give up, many people have suffered before us and they healed, some after more than 2 years of inhumane Hell.

Wishing you windows and relief, dear @skamen . Keep going, we will come out the other side ❤️

Merci beaucoup pour l'encouragement, cher @Niels91. We have to win and not allow the psychiatry to destroy our lifes.

@skamen Svetla it sounds like you have repeating hellish nights with little sleep and I assume what sleep you do get is not deep & restorative? How are you able to keep going ?? Some nights/days I swear I’m going to die. Some nights/days I wish I could.

I have nights where I will get 4-6 hrs of sleep but it’s very fractured + the other miserable symptoms and I’m worthless all the next day. All I could manage today was couch surfing.

Friends and family just don’t get it how exhausting all this is. And for sure the doctors have no understanding ☹️

Wishing you peaceful rest.

Pokey

@skamen Wishing you well! So brave! Time will sort this for you. Always thinking of you.

Dear @Pokey449, dear @Chippy , I don't know how I will survive. I cannot sleep, only 1-2 hours broken sleep per night, restlessness all the day, nothing distracts me, zero appetite, internal akatisia, I am glued to the sofa... Living Hell, I don't want such a life. Usually I have a hope and trust the healing capacity of the body, but I don't know how long I can take this nightmare, rally don't know.

Svetla

Our very dear Svetla. I’m so sad to hear how bad all this is for you!

Trust the body! It knows what it is doing! Even with sleep, which can be a nightmare in wd, it will get what it needs! It won’t feel good, but it will be enough!

Just anything you have to do to survive each day! That is all you have to do. Your only job. Buy your body that time. You will be ok eventually! Thinking of you always. Xxx

Oh Svetla, you have come so far! Do not give up. It’s an incredibly hard fight, just to survive, I understand that. But as chippy said, this is all that counts now. Keep going. Day by day. Just Survive. And one day this will be a phase in your life that is in the past. You will look back and be proud of yourself that you made it.

I pray for you every day. I did already this morning and I will do it again right now.

You are in my heart, dear @Nemina , thank you.

Svetla

We’re all rooting for you! 💕💕

Dear @skamen,

I just made a post with some recovery stories from anhedonia. Maybe you need them today! ❤️‍🩹🙏

Thank you for the support, @Finni and @Sophia. I really need it in this horrendous time of endless suffering and constant agony.

@skamen Svetla how you doing today? Are you getting any relief? Think about you often.

Dear @Pokey449, thank you for asking. Awful nights with cortisol spikes, hot flashes, almost no sleep, 1, 2 hours, morning terror. Terrible days where each minute is as a century, hellish anhedonia, living Hell...

I read everything what you post. You have sometimes a good days, that's great.

Pokey, do you know what happens with B.?

Svetla

Svetla. Per Chippy B has elected take a sabbatical from the forum. I think Chippy stays in touch via email. That’s all I know.

Hello @skamen,

How are you ?

16 minutes ago, poulette38 said:

Hello @skamen,

How are you ?

Hi @poulette38. Thank you for asking. I have been in awful situation for more than 40 days now, when I stopped all antidepressants. A real nightmare: I have overnight hellish cortisol rushes which wake me every 2 hours, if it is not a complete insomnia night. They come with a feeling of dying, with terror and agony, with deep depression, nausea, hot flashes, sweats. In addition I have a leg pain all the night, my all body hurts me. During the day the dépression, the anxiety and the Anhedonia kill me. It is brutal, I don't know how I will be able to continue to hang on. This suffering cannot be put onto words, it is beyond that can be imagined.

And you?

9 minutes ago, skamen said:

Hi @poulette38. Thank you for asking. I have been in awful situation for more than 40 days now, when I stopped all antidepressants. A real nightmare: I have overnight hellish cortisol rushes which wake me every 2 hours, if it is not a complete insomnia night. They come with a feeling of dying, with terror and agony, with deep depression, nausea, hot flashes, sweats. In addition I have a leg pain all the night, my all body hurts me. During the day the dépression, the anxiety and the Anhedonia kill me. It is brutal, I don't know how I will be able to continue to hang on. This suffering cannot be put onto words, it is beyond that can be imagined.

And you?

What must be done to calm these terrible cortisol spikes? I had this at the very beginning of withdrawal, morning cortisol spikes, it was hellish! You are extremely brave to have endured this for several months!

Do you spend any time in nature? Green spaces, putting your feet in the fresh grass, all of this seems to soothe the CNS.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve seen some improvements in terms of chemical depression: I couldn’t get out of bed until a few weeks ago, with a heavy body feeling every morning. It’s been going on, I’m getting up more easily now. And without tears upon waking but I still have some regularly during the day. Less than before, though! I still don’t have much appetite, never sleepy, and the constant feeling of being on drugs (with a horrible vision in 4K, and still a DR/DP, even if it’s a bit better...) anhedonia is always very present. Also dilated pupills and hard headaches every day, it's frightening...

I’m thinking of you, I hope things will get better in a little while... I’m also very sad, I was wondering how do you cope with this feeling every day? 😔 What we are experiencing is so inhumane and VIOLENT...

23 minutes ago, poulette38 said:

never sleepy, and the constant feeling of being on drugs (with a horrible vision in 4K, and still a DR/DP, even if it’s a bit better...) anhedonia is always very present. Also dilated pupills and hard headaches every day, it's frightening...

That 4k world is for me since last week better (so around 7 months off)!

I also have dilated pupils some days, especially when my brain feels weightless and I feel a bit “hyper” and chemically better..

Edited May 1May 1 by Sophia

51 minutes ago, skamen said:

Hi @poulette38. Thank you for asking. I have been in awful situation for more than 40 days now, when I stopped all antidepressants. A real nightmare: I have overnight hellish cortisol rushes which wake me every 2 hours, if it is not a complete insomnia night. They come with a feeling of dying, with terror and agony, with deep depression, nausea, hot flashes, sweats. In addition I have a leg pain all the night, my all body hurts me. During the day the dépression, the anxiety and the Anhedonia kill me. It is brutal, I don't know how I will be able to continue to hang on. This suffering cannot be put onto words, it is beyond that can be imagined.

And you?

Sending some love Svetla. Such a Warrior. One day I will be reading your success story! Hang in there! 👊⚔️🛡️

Thank you, @Chippy. It is awful what I have lived for almost 14 months. But the deepest Hell started after the last dose of Mirtazipine, 40 days ago. Inhumane journey, but your posts of encouragement towards me and to the others mean a lot. I have to survive, I don't know how, but I have to for my daughter and for my husband...

Svetla

Just now, skamen said:

I have to survive, I don't know how, but I have to for my daughter and for my husband...

You will dear Svetla. Xxx

"@SarahMc, how long it took for you before noticing the glimpses you mention? I start my month 14 after CT upon doctor "advice" from 2 ADs + lithium, and the Hell is brutal. No window, no light. This is not me, my entire personality is gone, I am like an alien, I cannot work, I cannot function. I have been completely AD free for 40 days now, when I jumped to 0 from my last AD. As a result: insomnia, awful cortisol spikes, deep depression, hellish anhedonia, nausea, stomach and muscle pains..."

Hi @skamen, just replying to this here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think you and I have been down very different roads the past year or so. I've reinstated meds that I've never had serious adverse reactions to and am trying to stabilize here before tapering anything. I would say that since I most recently reinstated a daily low dose of seroquel it took about six weeks before I caught a glimpse of my normal self, and that's still only happened maybe once or twice for a few hours max. But I'm holding onto it.

You've been through so much CT'ing 3 drugs and then tapering off mirtazapine so I can understand why it might be taking longer for you, even though I know the experience is horrible beyond words. But you're on this journey with the rest of us and I believe you'll get there one teeny tiny step at a time 💜

Edited May 1May 1 by SarahMc